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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband being big billy balls bollocks

284 replies

Walkingtothecrucifix · 02/09/2022 23:38

I think i will get crucified here…but here we go.

Hubby and i always been relatively high earners and happen to earn the same. We have a 6 month old son and i will be returning to work shortly.

Husband has recently been offered a new job, double salary, and has started saying this means he wont be able to partake in the nursery pick up/drop offs that will be required. I get that its a new job and he has to prove himself, but am i being unreasonable stating that my career has value too?

Im at a loss as what to say, bearing in mind my work means i leave home at 8 and back by 6:15. Whilst he works from home yet too busy to do the nursery run…

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 03/09/2022 00:00

Walkingtothecrucifix · 02/09/2022 23:49

I think he would benefit more from a nursery setting rather than a nanny

Show quote history

But what benefits you and him?
Dragging him out to nursery and fights with dh on cold winter morning over who takes him ?
Or nanny arrives and baby wakes up when ready
Goes out later with nanny
Say yes dh you right
A nanny coming here will be much better for both us and baby. ANd our new joint salary will cover the cost
I ll call the agency tomorrow

WillYouDoTheFandango · 03/09/2022 00:00

Why are you looking into it if he now can’t keep up his end of the bargain? If he needs to hire outside help to cover his turns then he can research and sort it.

Tobeeornottobee · 03/09/2022 00:02

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 02/09/2022 23:50

Who has this prince suggested will be doing it then?
Personally I find this attitude repulsive, I've seen it far to often in men, its arrogance, entitlement and sexism all rolled up into one very unattractive package. Don't let him get away with it. Your career is just as valuable as his, and if cannot manage his family commitments then he needs to find the solution (not you).

This made me laugh as i guess this is how i feel about it!

Whilst i know it shouldn’t be the way….l dont want my son to suffer whilst we wrangle who should be sorting a solution….alas….it tends to fall to the woman generally

Tobeeornottobee · 03/09/2022 00:03

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 02/09/2022 23:51

It's not your problem to solve who is going to cover his 50% of dropoffs/pickups. It is his problem to solve. He doesn't get to dictate to you because he's earning more that's just fucking sexist as fuck.

Thanks for the back up!

RootinandTootin · 03/09/2022 00:03

This reply has been deleted

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Tobeeornottobee · 03/09/2022 00:05

GrazingSheep · 02/09/2022 23:54

I think he would benefit more from a nursery setting rather than a nanny

He is 6 months old. Do you not think
s primary cared in his own home would be more beneficial?

@GrazingSheep maybe, i need to do some more research obviously

Fraaahnces · 03/09/2022 00:05

I’d let him know that this means twice the CM if you leave him because he’s a shit partner and father

Tobeeornottobee · 03/09/2022 00:08

This reply has been deleted

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@RootinandTootin yet still here?

not bored enough evidently

RunningSME · 03/09/2022 00:18

Walkingtothecrucifix · 02/09/2022 23:49

I think he would benefit more from a nursery setting rather than a nanny

Show quote history

My children much preferred the nanny. Like a SAHM but not me having to do it

RelentlessForwardProgress · 03/09/2022 00:18

Just on the nanny/nursery issue.....ime they get ill a lot in the first couple of years, especially mixing at nursery, and then require days off to be home with them, so if your dh isn't prepared to do his share of staying home, this will all also fall to you, so a nanny might be better in that illness would not mean one of you would have to stay home

RunningSME · 03/09/2022 00:21

Of course the DH highchair because he’s working from home and the nanny will be at home. And of course there’s also usually some low-level sexual harassment the Nanny in her workplace to has to contend with.

No easy answers

DevaleraSpawnOfSatan · 03/09/2022 00:22

Hah, DH tried this once and only once,he worked away all the time but stopped pulling his weight when DS was about five, I waited until Sunday afternoon (it nearly killed me Grin) and said I had the second half of the week covered off and how was Monday etc.......going to work for him..................

Tumbleweed............with a side order of Blind panic

He was generally up at 4.00 in the morning on a Monday, to fly to Switzerland for the week, I generally really didn't mind taking up the slack, but I objected to being taken for granted. IYKWIM

I refused to engage with his pleadings, he had to call in sick on the Monday, peace had broken out by Tuesday and he never sat back on his arse and left all to me again..............for a very long time.

LolaButt · 03/09/2022 00:23

Well, one of you has to compromise to pick the baby up?!

Outside help as everyone has said or compromise with him doing two pick ups and you doing the other three. Or the other way around.

deeperthanallroses · 03/09/2022 00:26

Hang on, it’s not what YOU need to look into. You need to say Dh it sounds like you can’t take the job. We don’t need the money and you have an existing commitment to me and to your baby which you seem to just be about to drop without even the courtesy of a discussion with me??? I’ll do you the courtesy of a reminder. I did not agree to do all the parenting for the family we agreed to create, and I am in a relationship wiht a man who agrees that my job and I , as well as his family, matter. If you suddenly think that’s changed we have big serious discussions to have.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/09/2022 00:27

I’d think about a Nanny as it will make your lives much easier. You can BOTH look at nanny shares. Also assume you have a cleaner?

But be incredibly fucking clear with him that what can be outsourced will be, everything else is a 50/50 split, or you do not have a marriage. Divvy up areas of responsibility and do not get involved in each other’s duties. Do not pick up his slack.

Tobeeornottobee · 03/09/2022 00:28

RunningSME · 03/09/2022 00:21

Of course the DH highchair because he’s working from home and the nanny will be at home. And of course there’s also usually some low-level sexual harassment the Nanny in her workplace to has to contend with.

No easy answers

@RunningSME here i am worrying about equality yet apparently i need to think about my partner sexually harassing people! There’s a jump I wasn’t expecting

LadyGAgain · 03/09/2022 00:29

So you're already ok on your current salaries. You're also a high earner which comes with hours and responsibilities . So

LadyGAgain · 03/09/2022 00:30

So you use the increase for a banny and home help.

LadyGAgain · 03/09/2022 00:30

Sorry for typos.

Original poster
Walkingtothecrucifix · 03/09/2022 00:38

@LolaButt , yes initially we had a plan for shared pick ups, its only recently with the new job he’s suddenly implied I will have to do it all.

I was just shocked, as having previously always been respected by him for my career….suddenly we have to work around his as a priority? Its a bit odd as he doesnt seem to realise it’s unreasonable

OP posts:
Original poster
Walkingtothecrucifix · 03/09/2022 00:44

@deeperthanallroses yes i think youve got it! Everyones replies have made it quite clear that a nanny is the answer. I guess I was more affected by the imposition that my career should take second place for money. Rather than a joint discussion on what we should do. I will confront DH in the morning

OP posts:
NicLondon1 · 03/09/2022 00:46

Another option could be a childminder, we were lucky to find one that did home pick ups and drop offs... Still socialised but in their home setting.

mrsfollowill · 03/09/2022 00:48

Bloody hell the entitlement would really get my goat! why does he think this should be your problem and not his? Agree that a nanny sounds the solution. I work full time and so does DH- he earns more than me (about x 2) but only because I'm public sector- I worked part time when DS was young (choice of us both and it worked well at the time) but he seems to ignore the fact I have been back full time for the last 6 years (DS is 20 for context)
You need to bat it back to him- it should not be your issue to sort out and he is being a wanker expecting you to sort it. Never give your job/independence up by the way- even if Billy fooking Big Balls earns millions!

abovedecknotbelow · 03/09/2022 00:53

Billy big spuds. I've recently doubled my salary, and the hours that go with it too. He's definitely uncomfortable that I'm in the driving seat so to speak. I'm just chucking money at it for now.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/09/2022 00:58

Thanks babes! To be fair the rest of the post just bored me, I felt bad because the title made me cringe

Why would you feel bad though? Surely if a post bored you and made you cringe you'd just quietly scroll on? And why feel bad? How odd.