Husband being big billy balls bollocks

[Walkingtothecrucifix]

I think i will get crucified here…but here we go.

Hubby and i always been relatively high earners and happen to earn the same. We have a 6 month old son and i will be returning to work shortly.

Husband has recently been offered a new job, double salary, and has started saying this means he wont be able to partake in the nursery pick up/drop offs that will be required. I get that its a new job and he has to prove himself, but am i being unreasonable stating that my career has value too?

Im at a loss as what to say, bearing in mind my work means i leave home at 8 and back by 6:15. Whilst he works from home yet too busy to do the nursery run…

This annoys me BTW. The vast majority of couples cannot afford nannies when they start having families. Most couples have to have conversations about careers, who will earn the lion's share of the income, how you can juggle childcare etc. Usually, from a career perspective, it's the woman's career that plateaus not the man's.

EG. I had DC1 10 years ago, my wage has increased £5k. In the same time frame, my DH's wage has risen by £70k.

I truly hope this dynamic changes

@bringbackveronicamars l agree. He needs to sort it out and look into it. Why do you need to swoop in and sort it?! Again that’s just validating his mindset that it’s your job to sort out house / child things and he’s too important with his Big Stressful Man Job

It’s what Billy Big Bollocks needs to look into (not you). If he can find outside help, then he can take the job. If he can’t then tough.

He's probbly right. He probably won't have time to do his share of pick ups and drop offs. So he needs to find someone reliable who can. IME, Men need to be coaxed into doing their fair share of parenting in the early years.

I think a home environment is better fir a baby. Just give the nanny funds to take the baby to music groups etc if you are worried from a socialising angle. If dh works from home he can surreptitiously keep an eye on them to make sure they are treating the baby nicely.

@GetThatHelmetOn speaks sense.

This too.

If you don't double down on this, you will ALWAYS regret it.

You will come back to this point and know THIS is the moment our relationship went tits up, because I didn't assert myself and make it clear that it would NOT be tolerated.

This job may NOT be compatible with marriage and family life.

I definitely wouldn't dream of giving up YOUR job or reducing your hours.

The behaviour your husband has exhibited at the first hurdle means the liklihood of a successful marriage has been drastically reduced, you may well need your career.

Do NOT give up your independence.

Husband has recently been offered a new job, double salary, and has started saying this means he wont be able to partake in the nursery pick up/drop offs that will be required.

Well too bad, he doesn’t change jobs then. You work full time too, he needs to do either all the drop offs or all the pick ups.

It’s more mature to do this than letting yourself become the family servant when you also have a full time job. That’s just dumb.

This is very negative. I can't understand how so many couples are seemingly in disagreement over these issues and it seems such a bone of contention for so many.

My ex husband did very few drop offs, pick ups or anything for the kids once his career took off.

However we both loved being with our kids (most of the time) and wanted to be as hands on as possible. His main contribution was working his arse off so we could all have a great lifestyle and opportunities for the kids.

I did most of the childcare during the week but there wasn't one evening where he came in from work and refused to do what needed doing or didn't immediately pick up on doing something with the kids. He usually made school lunches before he went to work early and always did bath time which was generally around 7 after he had come in from work.

Also I LIKED being there for my kids and picking them up at the end of the day, even more so as they got into the school years. Both of us did not see that as an inconvenience, rather something we both wanted to do where possible and fortunately for me I was in a job where it was possible most of the time.

We were a team and still are with the kids, even though we're divorced! We split the finances when we divorced allowing for the fact my earning capacity took a hit over those years.

I chose a decent man to have kids with. Even now we are divorced he would always do whatever he could to help me and vice Vera.

I really don't understand how so many people seem to misjudge their partner or not have these types of discussions before deciding to have children. It is very disappointing that people seem to see this as staking out a battle ground rather than working together.

If he's working from home, a nanny is going to do his nut in (or his big nuts lol).

It doesn't seem to be a common thing here but a childminder is far more flexible in my opinion. My understanding is that a nanny comes to your home? A childminder is usually a mother with her own children and your baby goes to their home.

You can find childminders who are willing to collect the baby and drop them back (or even just one or the other).

With two full-time careers, an experienced parent is going to be very important during times of illness. I would never have been able to work without a childminder. Trying to get someone to come to my home would have been next to impossible as you then really need to be paying a decent, liveable, workable salary. So instead of £160 a week, you'd need to pay the minimum wage at the very least.

I loved the comment from someone early in the thread about 6 month old babies not needing socialisation and that all they do is sit and chew on things in a nursery. That is kind of the reality. From about 3 onwards, I think the structure of a formal nursery setting can be useful, but before then, unless it's your only option, a home based childcare setting would be the ideal (imo).

Different people like different childcare set-ups but during my time, I found that a mother with her own children was far more experienced than me for a start and than even a qualified nanny. They have the added benefit of being part of a wider family in the childminder's home and having an experienced parent minding them and they're usually involved in school runs, sports trips and everything else that goes on in a family home. There were things that my childminder knew which I wouldn't have known such as picking on the fact that dd had chickenpox, potty training, best treatments for nappy rash and all that sort of stuff that an experienced mother will have gone through and know all about! I did not get on well with her first ever childminder as she had never had children and had strange notions about child-rearing. You need to find one with a parenting philosophy as close to your own as possible (within reason). One who respects that YOU are their mother (not them), one who will happily tell you about your baby's day, one who will encourage them and treat them as one of their own (while not overstepping). It's a delicate balance.

The other thing to consider is that occasionally a scenario may come up where both you and Dad need to work late. Have you that flexibility with a nursery?

My recommendation would be to advertise for a childminder. One who could do the pick-up or drop-off would be a benefit. My personal preference is for a childminder who already has her own children. Go to the home for a casual 'interview' where you'll see how they interact with their own children, how they interact with the baby etc. etc. Explain your work commitments (yours and Billy's) and ensure that they are happy to work around those schedules.

Fuck that shit.

Be careful, because this is how it begins.

Don't let him slowly stop taking responsibility for your DC. And don't be tempted to step in and solve everything for your DH.

Make him solve it.

And nurture your career as much as you can.

There were things that my childminder knew which I wouldn't have known such as picking UP on the fact that dd had chickenpox

Jesus it doesn't have to turn into a battle of the busiest. Maybe he can't actually do it!? So find a solution together. Absolutely unnecessarily confrontational

I agree with this - I'm the equivalent of your DH in my scenario, and my husband also works full time albeit mostly from home (which incidentally means that he's in a room on his laptop pretty much all day in and out of virtual meetings and calls - that's what WFH means for me too, most of the time I have no idea whether my nanny is in the house or not let alone either of us feeling awkward!).

We had many a conversation before we got married about wanting children and what it might mean for our careers.

Your 6 month old will not benefit more being at nursery . If DH has now doubled his salary can you afford to extend your mat leave ?

It sort of makes me laugh. I think it's the pomposity of it. Id enjoy bringing him back down to earth. Soon he'll think he's too important to wipe his own arse.

I've heard of mannies, is a banny bi-sexual? 😉

Not everyone wants to be a SAHM!

I would just get a nanny, but he's definitely a twat! Blokes do have a bit of a self important streak. Mine earned less than me but was somehow always too busy to cook, clean, do washing, or school stuff or pickups. Our kids are a bit older though. He now stays at home and looks after the kids because I lost my shit (and on a more significant note he couldn't actually cope with his job and didn't want to admit it).

Why the fuck should she limit her own prospects?

Nothing wrong with nursery, don't be ridiculous.

Can’t see the issue he’s stressed about s new job and wants to be full on at the start. Doesn’t mean you need to pick up the slack, hire a nanny to do the mornings and evenings and runs for you that’s what we did. It’s not a big deal.

No, not everyone does want to stay at home, but an extra six months off work for the OP if possible might allow this situation to bed down. Often the first three months in a new job take a lot of effort and head space to learn and be available to prove yourself.

If her DH has the opportunity to get into the new role while she's at home then it might all look a lot easier when it's time for her to go back to work. Once he's in the role and established he may quite feasibly be able to negotiate more flexibility.

It sounds like a very young baby, wife returning to work, husband starting new much bigger job all at once is not going to be easy for anyone.

Lol, what a daft thing to say, 😂

Meanwhile, her job/career prospects will have diminished while she's at home.