Husband being big billy balls bollocks

[Walkingtothecrucifix]

I think i will get crucified here…but here we go.

Hubby and i always been relatively high earners and happen to earn the same. We have a 6 month old son and i will be returning to work shortly.

Husband has recently been offered a new job, double salary, and has started saying this means he wont be able to partake in the nursery pick up/drop offs that will be required. I get that its a new job and he has to prove himself, but am i being unreasonable stating that my career has value too?

Im at a loss as what to say, bearing in mind my work means i leave home at 8 and back by 6:15. Whilst he works from home yet too busy to do the nursery run…

YABU
It is not your job Vs his job.It is maximising family income! as a family you are going to benefit massively from his success and big pay increase. Why would you want to cut your nose off to spite your face be not doing everything to support this?

I agree.

Maybe you are a bit hurt that you were excited to return to work and his new job offer has sort of overshadowed that.

You were probably happy that after doing most of the childcare, he was going to start seeing what it’s like.

You’d both be silly to miss out on double his salary just because he can’t do the school run.

If nursery hours don’t fit with your works.
Then you could look into local childminders and then he can drop the DC off in the morning and the childminder will take DC to nursery and then pick them up afterwards (check with them first but mine did) and then he can pick up from the childminder.

You could also get a nanny or babysitter to take the DC to nursery and pick them up afterwards.
There are a lot of A level/college students who would drive and love to have a job like this, especially if they’re childcare students as it fits in with their studies.

Hey! It seems like you've got the nursery run aspect covered, but something else you might want to consider to help with your husband feeling he needs to prove himself but also respecting your still important career:
What my partner and I have done throughout our careers is that when either of us starts in a new role or new company, the new starter/career changer gets three months grace. So for three months (strictly!) they get priority on organising themselves for work - the other person will fit things around them, so they get a fixed period of time to say yes to everything in their new role, make a good impression, and get their feet under the table.
After three months, we mark the end of the grace period and go back to normal, which is prioritising our work needs based on importance. So if we both have potential work travel coming up at the same time, and one is for a social event and the other is a big client meeting, the client meeting wins on that occasion.
It's something that's really worked for us and helps us both to support each others careers without having to go to battle.
Hope this helps and also congrats on the new job for your husband, hopefully it'll make a positive difference to the household overall!

nanny to do drop offs and pick ups.

Do you think you should remind him you said you’d pick up the slack of things went wrong with the job? Then ask him how you’d do that if he is pushing you into jeopardising your job. Is there a possibility he is anxious and coming out as dictatorial? It sounds like it from what you’ve said.

In your situation a nanny would likely work best. That is a matter of organising one.

However what I'd struggle to get past was the realisation that my supposedly "equal parent" husband was in fact an old fashioned misogynist who thinks that children, home and responsibilities therein are women's work and your career is secondary.

What has he done to solve the problem he is creating? Just try to foist it off on another woman (a conversation which you are supposed to have presumably?)

What is next? Billy big bollocks who think family life is optional during the week also tend to need "essential" wind down and networking time at weekends (usually in lycra or hitting balls with sticks).

Who is going to take a day off if the nanny is ill or needs emergency leave?

I’d be really cross that it has fallen to me to solve a problem that his job is creating.

I would also prefer nursery to a nanny for the reliability/interaction with other kids etc.

If he’s working from home, why can’t he share drop offs etc? What are his new expected hours?

Get baby dressed, leave baby with husband and go to work.

Typical asshole bloke that thinks now you have a baby together he can swan around doing what he wants and simply telling you through his actions that baby is your responsibility now. He doesn’t care about your job as he is now the ‘bigger’ earner and him leaving you to try and work out how to manage your work life balance would be enough for me to having a very fierce conversation with him. Earning more doesn’t equate to not having any responsibilities to his child.

Maybe do one week on one week off then you are both sharing the responsibilities

😂

Maybe he shouldn't be accepting the new job if it's going to have such an impact on family life? You're already high earners.
I'd definitely be having an in-depth discussion on what happens when the child/nanny or whatever is ill, or when something unexpectedly pops up.
Get it straight between each other now.

If he is warning double why don’t you consider a career break and enjoy the young years with your baby? You might like it.
Alternatively, the salary increase may allow you to find a nanny or au pair so you can continue your own career.

I meant earning, not warning

Careful with this, that happened to me, we went from being both high earners to “I earn more therefore my job takes priority”

His job taking “priority” little by little got to him spending quite a bit of time away while all the logistics of child rearing and keeping the house fell on me (and my ever diminishing career since that happened)

Suffice to say I have spent the last decade chasing him about unpaid child maintenance while his child qualified for free school dinners.

So the moral of this story is that selfish men take more the more you give them so, for the sake of your child, put your career first because:

• The balance of power at your home now depends on you avoiding being dependent on him
• It would sustain your child and yourself if anything happens (he may feel I’ll, lose his job, die or run with a career oriented woman that he thinks he has more in common with.

It’s amazing that everyone’s solutions is for the OP to become a SAHM or her get a nanny. Not that the bloke should factor in dropping his child off at nursery into his day. High earners doesn’t always equate to working long hours

OP,

You are young I presume and starting out on family life.

At the very first hurdle your husband has dumped any involvement witj childcare.

This is huge and this is when you see who he is.

How you resolve this will be huge.

In an instant he has relegated you to housewife childcare person and all the mental load that involves.

He is only thinking of one person.
Himself.

He is very deliberately, in a very sneaky way fully extracting himself from any involvement with childcare from the very beginning.

This is the first nail in the coffin of your relationship.

Take it very seriously.
I would say this is deal breaker stuff.

My husband is in a very highly paid demanding job and made it his business to do runs over the past 20+ years, even when I was at home, .......because he was an involved father.

If you do not sort this out so firmly, you will regret having this child with him and won't want more.

This is much much bigger than today, this is about who he is as a man, who he is as a husband and a father.

The first chance he go he has told you it is all on you.

The first chance he got he has shat on your career.

He is very selfish, so beware.

I get you OP. I think you suspect this is a case of 'won't' not 'can't', and he should be at least discussing working hours etc with his new job before saying he can't.

I do think you need to talk this through with him, its not on for him to just make a decision that affects your career negatively, especially without coming up with a proposed solution.

I've been having similar discussions with my husband recently (both not high earners to start with though both good salaries) and made it clear he would have to research alternatives before taking the job.

Also I'd make a point of discussing what you will both do about taking emergency leave when the kids are sick, or being flexible to go to school events etc as if both of you work from home or have similar commutes etc then this should be shared as well...I suspect he might have the opinion that it's all on you now his job is 'more important'

YANBU he is being unreasonable. I would nip all of this in the bud, sooner rather than later. Amused by his suggestion of someone 3 weeks post section with a toddler saving the day -he’s a delight isn’t he!

The only couples I know who both carry on the upwards trajectory in their careers after having DC have nannies. Literally no exceptions in my friendship / colleague groups

Actually, this is what he needs to look into, to pick up the slack end of the rope he is dropping.

This

So now he's got a better paid job, your job is no longer important?! What a lovely attitude.

Ask him to work out what should happen for childcare, and not leave it to you to figure out.

Deeply unattractive trait.

You have had lots of responses so this may not be necessary - if you can - read The Women's Room by Maryln French - though you might not 'see' all of it until later in life.

As a female, you are already disadvantaged in the workplace and in life due to structural stereotypes in our society. If you need evidence, take the picture you have in your head of the nanny and cleaner you might hire, look around at senior level in your husband's company and in yours and see what proportion are male / female and take at look at the school gates at drop off or pick up, next time you are passing - nursery might be different but I suspect not hugely so.

Having become pregnant, you have created a visual reminder to everyone around you that you are now a mother and that impacts your career and how people see you.

Taking maternity leave is another impact to your career that despite promises to the contrary, has an irreparable impact to your overall future earnings.

Your decision to have children was a joint decision, but are your family decisions truly joint, shared, and equal - shopping, cleaning, nursery, holidays, health care, welfare, christmas, birthdays, staying in touch with family etc . or is it... 'let's talk about X, where you talk, he approves, makes suggestions and you action, or you define the action, he carries it out but you check it. ..' You might be lucky .. you might truly have an equal relationship and this may be the first deviation from equality.

The response has been to suggest that you hire a nanny which actually just puts the ownership on another woman to take his share of the responsibility for the child but will likely leave you with the details to sort out, unless you too walk out at 8 and return at 6 and you take joint responsibility in the hours you are together at home.

I could go on and on and on.. and you may not see this yet in your relationship, but it will evolve, if you take on 100% of the drop offs and pick ups. You will be left with all illness cover, juggling holiday cover out of term time, scheduling the family holidays, covering INSET days, being primary contact, being the one who sorts all activities, playdates, homework support, school projects, concerts, sports day - though likely he will make a special effort on one or two days a year, be applauded for it at work, you will be grateful for his presence and his kids will be delighted to see him. If you think this will not happen to you - take a GOOD look around!!

Why do you need to look into it? You are still able to do your share, are you not? This is what HE needs to look into as he is the one that can no longer do his share.

Why do you automatically take it on? Ask him when and where he is going to start looking for childcare!

You need a nanny to help