Page 11 | Husband being big billy balls bollocks

G5000 · 04/09/2022 11:34

mandalala · 03/09/2022 16:35

When does this baby see the parents? 6 month olds are asleep at 7pm. He must only see them for about 20 mins in the evening?

I read the OP again and no, she was not asking parenting advice in general or advice about her child's bedtime in particular. You must be on a wrong thread.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/09/2022 11:39

AthenaPopodopolous · 03/09/2022 09:46

If he is warning double why don’t you consider a career break and enjoy the young years with your baby? You might like it.
Alternatively, the salary increase may allow you to find a nanny or au pair so you can continue your own career.

Why should her career be the one to be compromised and messed about with? Why is she the one who needs to go nanny hunting as a condition of continuing her career?

He is the one who has made the change in their practical circumstances. Presumably he has the wit to start ringing nanny agencies and discussing their requirements. If not, how on earth did he reach such an earth shatteringly important level that he gets to disclaim all responsibility for the family he has created?

G5000 · 04/09/2022 11:52

Alternatively, the salary increase may allow you to find a nanny or au pair so you can continue your own career.

Exactly C8H10N4O2.
She can keep her end of the deal just fine. She does not need a nanny so she can continue her career. He needs a nanny to be able to take that promotion. Honestly we need to stop considering anything child-related the mum's problem to deal with.

Goosygandy · 04/09/2022 12:56

Musti · 03/09/2022 11:42

Ah so it is the women’s fault then?

Let me tell you something that was eye opening. When you go to uni, have decent jobs, are in a relationship where everyone pulls their weight, you don’t consider that that will change once you have kids.

They change as soon as you’ve had a baby. My ex went from a fullly capable and respectful adult, to someone who thought I should be in charge of not just childcare but should take on all domestic duties. And when I went back to work, I needed to find childcare, I needed to take time off because of illness and I needed to do pick ups ans drop offs. And I continued to need to go most of the housework.

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Totally this! And people somehow think that you're supposed to be able to change the mindset of a fully grown adult 🙄.

whumpthereitis · 04/09/2022 12:56

AthenaPopodopolous · 03/09/2022 09:46

If he is warning double why don’t you consider a career break and enjoy the young years with your baby? You might like it.
Alternatively, the salary increase may allow you to find a nanny or au pair so you can continue your own career.

Because she doesn’t want to. If that was the option she wanted to take then she wouldn’t have made this thread in the first place. It’s unlikely to be a thought that hasn’t occurred to her.
———————-

She is a team with her husband. Supporting him in this career move does not have to extend to agreeing to take the hit to her own career. It’s one thing to make an agreement when you’re all on the same page, but it’s a different thing entirely for one person to decide that in taking a promotion, it’s up to the other person to pick up their household slack (rather than looking for an actual solution that works for everyone). It isn’t, and that assumption isn’t likely to result in family harmony either.

Quincythequince · 04/09/2022 12:59

Walkingtothecrucifix · 02/09/2022 23:38

I think i will get crucified here…but here we go.

Hubby and i always been relatively high earners and happen to earn the same. We have a 6 month old son and i will be returning to work shortly.

Husband has recently been offered a new job, double salary, and has started saying this means he wont be able to partake in the nursery pick up/drop offs that will be required. I get that its a new job and he has to prove himself, but am i being unreasonable stating that my career has value too?

Im at a loss as what to say, bearing in mind my work means i leave home at 8 and back by 6:15. Whilst he works from home yet too busy to do the nursery run…

We’ll have his hours gone up with this doubling of salary?

And if so, he may not be able to do so. Whether or not you can or want to, is a different story.

Bur if he earns so much, can’t you get some hire help.

Gotta ask OP - what has his. If salary doubled to? And what is his new job? This is quite an unusual move to make in one fell swoop.

mrsplum2015 · 04/09/2022 13:03

@goosygandy and @musti

No idea why as women you stand for this.
If your so called dh's don't pull their weight why do you complain and stay with them.

Honestly divorce is not that bad and it sounds like my exDh respects me even now a lot more that yours do...

Goosygandy · 04/09/2022 13:12

mrsplum2015 · 04/09/2022 13:03

@goosygandy and @musti

No idea why as women you stand for this.
If your so called dh's don't pull their weight why do you complain and stay with them.

Honestly divorce is not that bad and it sounds like my exDh respects me even now a lot more that yours do...

Funny you should say that...

It's a long story why I put up with it. Suffice to say, I wouldn't do now, but we only know what we know at the time.

Goosygandy · 04/09/2022 13:16

Quincythequince · 04/09/2022 12:59

We’ll have his hours gone up with this doubling of salary?

And if so, he may not be able to do so. Whether or not you can or want to, is a different story.

Bur if he earns so much, can’t you get some hire help.

Gotta ask OP - what has his. If salary doubled to? And what is his new job? This is quite an unusual move to make in one fell swoop.

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But you're missing the point. He's the one whose situation changed but you've fallen into the trap of assuming that the woman should by default sort it because she's somehow the default parent.

What people are saying is he should take responsibility or at least say to the OP that they need to have a discussion as to how to resolve it, one of the solutions being hired help,

C8H10N4O2 · 04/09/2022 13:30

Quincythequince · 04/09/2022 12:59

We’ll have his hours gone up with this doubling of salary?

And if so, he may not be able to do so. Whether or not you can or want to, is a different story.

Bur if he earns so much, can’t you get some hire help.

Gotta ask OP - what has his. If salary doubled to? And what is his new job? This is quite an unusual move to make in one fell swoop.

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Why is it the woman's job to rearrange the household because dear billy has elected to take a new job?

He presumably has a brain. He can get on the damned phone and hire the extra help, not just assume the woman will auto dial from her ovaries.

TokyoTen · 04/09/2022 13:37

Big Billy needs to organise/hire someone for pick up / drop off.

RobinHobb · 04/09/2022 14:39

@C8H10N4O2
This made me laugh. Well put.

Quincythequince · 04/09/2022 15:06

Goosygandy · 04/09/2022 13:16

But you're missing the point. He's the one whose situation changed but you've fallen into the trap of assuming that the woman should by default sort it because she's somehow the default parent.

What people are saying is he should take responsibility or at least say to the OP that they need to have a discussion as to how to resolve it, one of the solutions being hired help,

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Yes his situation has changed. But if he’s physically no longer there to do pick-ups , whilst bringing in double his previous salary (this appears to be important as OP has mentioned it) then there are two things for jt 1) OP does it or ) they as a household get someone

I’m not missing any point at all - if he’s not available, then he’s not available.

If however he is… then he should do it, or get someone in to do it.

Quincythequince · 04/09/2022 15:10

C8H10N4O2 · 04/09/2022 13:30

Why is it the woman's job to rearrange the household because dear billy has elected to take a new job?

He presumably has a brain. He can get on the damned phone and hire the extra help, not just assume the woman will auto dial from her ovaries.

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And by you, I meant the family unit, rather than OP explicitly.

I appreciate that didn’t come across though.

And LOL to OP just sitting back and let her DH advertise for and hire a nanny with no input from her (which is what lots of you are saying) without involving the OP.

I can imagine that thread ‘my big bollock DH has now doubled his salary and hired a nanny to watch our child so he doesnt have to do the pick ups when it this turn. AIBU to be cross about this….’

😂 Can imagine the response to that one (LTB, is he usually this much of a deck etc)

Some people love to create drama where there is none.

Quincythequince · 04/09/2022 15:11

I would imagine 99% of women would want to be involved in looking for the woman who will end up caring for her child.

So yes he can of course look into this, but would she want him to?

Musti · 04/09/2022 15:22

mrsplum2015 · 04/09/2022 13:03

@goosygandy and @musti

No idea why as women you stand for this.
If your so called dh's don't pull their weight why do you complain and stay with them.

Honestly divorce is not that bad and it sounds like my exDh respects me even now a lot more that yours do...

Oh I didn’t put up with it. I talked, argued etc until I finally split up with him.

But not as easy once you have children. There is guilt and pressure and worry too. He wasn’t a brilliant father and quite lax with safety so I didn’t trust him with the kids when they were young.

Now we are split and things are much better but the kids have no rules at his house. No bedtime, never cooks for them - takeaways or cereal or pot noodles. Doesn’t know where they are half the time so I have trackers on them and monitor where they are and go and pick them up when it’s getting late.

Chowbellow · 04/09/2022 15:50

Quincythequince · 04/09/2022 15:11

I would imagine 99% of women would want to be involved in looking for the woman who will end up caring for her child.

So yes he can of course look into this, but would she want him to?

I know it's all well and good saying that he should do it all, but would you trust your beloved to know what you know? The OP has been on maternity leave for 6 months so has been home with her baby for that time so will know the baby best. Also, maternal instinct is stronger than paternal instinct (I sometimes wonder whether that exists at all lol) and I personally wouldn't trust my DH to completely take over the responsibility re childcare. Certainly he should be involved (and paying for any additional requirements due to his extra responsibilities and time in his new job) but as a mother, I personally think that who you trust to mind your child is something very important in your life.

I'd challenge all of you to ask your OH's what questions they would ask from a nursery or nanny/banny/manny or childminder?

I bet that list of questions will boil down to about 2. Lol.

For me, there was an extensive list of questions, some of which will be automatically answered when you meet the candidates, but some are personal. I didn't like a childminder dictating to ME what should be done for e.g. I was also very possesive I suppose which is possibly why I didn't like the lady who had never had children of her own so seemed to think that my baby was her baby and that she was a better 'Mum' 😱. The hand that rocks the cradle came to mind with that one!

Chowbellow · 04/09/2022 15:52

I would make it a joint effort in coming up with a solution to this. Dad needs to be involved too as otherwise he'll feel pushed out and then say that 'well, I never any input so what do I know?'

Chowbellow · 04/09/2022 15:55

My dd still talks about her childminder as she had such fun there. I was a single parent and she was an only child and I lived what I would a 'sterile' type of life whereas her childminder had her own children and a little farm and the older ones would read to the younger ones, they had barbeques and dogs and all sorts of fun things for a little child to enjoy. She was very outdoorsy whereas I'm allergic to the outdoors lol.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/09/2022 15:57

@Quincythequince And LOL to OP just sitting back and let her DH advertise for and hire a nanny with no input from her (which is what lots of you are saying) without involving the OP

No that isn't what most people are saying. Most people are saying he needs to address the issue instead of assuming the OP will manage it all for him and making the one stellar suggestion that another bloke's wife can help with the slack.

There is no reason why he can't do the leg work on this. He can call the agencies, dealing with the paperwork, take input from the OP, the OP will want to be in on the interviews i daresay just like I'd expect a father to be.

But all the paperwork, chasing and admin - if those are skill he lacks then I'm amazed he finds his desk of a morning.

Chowbellow · 04/09/2022 15:59

C8H10N4O2 · 04/09/2022 15:57

@Quincythequince And LOL to OP just sitting back and let her DH advertise for and hire a nanny with no input from her (which is what lots of you are saying) without involving the OP

No that isn't what most people are saying. Most people are saying he needs to address the issue instead of assuming the OP will manage it all for him and making the one stellar suggestion that another bloke's wife can help with the slack.

There is no reason why he can't do the leg work on this. He can call the agencies, dealing with the paperwork, take input from the OP, the OP will want to be in on the interviews i daresay just like I'd expect a father to be.

But all the paperwork, chasing and admin - if those are skill he lacks then I'm amazed he finds his desk of a morning.

That's true. He possibly has skillz that might be usable! He can do the legwork certainly but of course the OP is going to want input (or if like me, the final say 😯)

2bazookas · 04/09/2022 16:22

The good news is, now he can afford to pay a nanny and provide a car. So you won't need to do the runs either.

IsJohnReadyToMakeAComeback · 04/09/2022 16:41

His attitude stinks.

I did all the nursey/school drop offs and pick ups because for us this made the most sense. As part of that partnership DP would then do all the playing/bath and bed every night (after he had washed up).

Original poster

Walkingtothecrucifix · 04/09/2022 21:38

Well thank for all, for the mixture of helpful and not so helpful replies! Ive read through it all but obviously it will be difficult to reply to everyone!

a few ladies have hit it on the head with how I feel, we had nursery set up and all agreed and then this new job has changed the parameters. I guess Im miffed that the automatic assumption was that I would sort it out when actually he hasnt started his role

i appreciate he might be feeling stressed with the new role and concerned about its implications, whilst I always tend to take these things a bit more in my stride.

OP posts:

ilyx · 04/09/2022 21:49

Walkingtothecrucifix · 02/09/2022 23:49

I think he would benefit more from a nursery setting rather than a nanny

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Why??? There’s a reason most well off people use nannies over nurseries, one on one care is always superior.