Husband being big billy balls bollocks

[Walkingtothecrucifix]

I think i will get crucified here…but here we go.

Hubby and i always been relatively high earners and happen to earn the same. We have a 6 month old son and i will be returning to work shortly.

Husband has recently been offered a new job, double salary, and has started saying this means he wont be able to partake in the nursery pick up/drop offs that will be required. I get that its a new job and he has to prove himself, but am i being unreasonable stating that my career has value too?

Im at a loss as what to say, bearing in mind my work means i leave home at 8 and back by 6:15. Whilst he works from home yet too busy to do the nursery run…

Not read the full thread, just your posts.

Agree that childcare seems like a good idea but I think its necessary to have a frank talk with him about his attitude, which must be nipped in the bud now. Don't back down on this.

You need joint and fair expectations of parenting and its responsibilities, he doesn't get to duck out of them because he's now getting paid more.

You encouraged him for this job and were happy to support financially if things didn't work out, he needs reminding of this.

You're a team that supports each other, not a team designed to support one person and one person only. Your family and family isn't managed like a team at work. He needs reminding of this.

Without such a frank discussion you're making rod for your own back (and we'll see you back here in a few years needing advice on what it means for your marriage that your partner delegates all actual parenting to you).

If he's stressed about his new job, there are ways to deal with his worries and he's as entitled to request flexibility of some sort from his employer. (Let's face it, he'll have more luck with thos than if he were a woman!). Men are always happy to ask for more money, with such confidence there's no reason why they can't expect acknowledgement that they're a parent.

I don't mean this to sound man-bashing btw, I'm aware it reads that way! Everyone has legitimate fears and worries going into a promotion but it sounds like his response has been to take the easy way out - to put more responsibility on to you rather than actually deal with it. And deal with something that may well only be an issue in his mind. I'm sure you have faith in him that he's able to raise his concerns and deal with them in a practical way rather than being scared of talking to his employer.

Would you let your child duck out of facing something like this when they're older? I'd imagine that you'd help them to find a better way to confront their worry that leaves them stronger and this is the supportive attitude you can take to your husband.

To that I would add, no woman should be a SAHM. Being dependent in a single income, no matter how high it could be, it is risky at best and stupid at worse.

You are better off paying your whole salary to the nursery than not being able to recover your earning power for life after a long career break that will leave you with no recent experience and obsolete skills.

Obviously, there are exceptions, for example in the case of severe disability.

Yes OP and her husband could look into getting a nanny to help out. But that doesn’t address the problem that her husband seems to think that his new fancy job means he gets to check out of parenting, or at least take a back seat while OP makes all the decisions.

Even with a nanny the mental load of parenting is massive and I can just imagine a few years time when OP is doing her stressful job and also dealing with all the school admin, after school club bookings, dental appts, kids clothes buying etc. Nip it in the bud now - however much he earns your husband needs to be an active involved parent from today.

Once your needs are being met.............

?? Don't know what you mean by this!
Like I said it was always the plan that I would return to a full time and developed career which would enable ex to have some time off at a later point.

He's currently doing that now, and just because we're no longer married I am still supporting him in that emotionally and financially as we coparent and do what's best for our kids.

We've both been lucky to have successful careers and enjoy time with our kids. That's what we wanted and we achieved it. Whatever other people choose is absolutely up to them but I would hope that it's team work to support each other rather than a battle against each other in that process.

Nanny is the answer to childcare if you both earn well.

BUT that isn’t the end of the discussion

There are going to be lots and lots of child/home related responsibilities over the coming years, increasing as they get older and if you have more DC. Things like who takes time off if child is sick (nanny will deal with colds but not if really sick) or if nanny is sick, organising dr appointments, buying new clothes as they grow, sorting activities, playdates, parties, multiple things needed for nursery or school, etc. Plus all the household stuff of course.

I think you need to be very clear right now that you expect these things to be split 50/50. Otherwise I suspect you will end up doing it all given DH’s apparent attitude that DC care is not his problem to sort out.

Ha, cross posted with Eugene, great minds!

If money no probs I think a nanny is better option when little. Research has shown children only really benefit from the social side of nursery from 18 months onwards. And it reduces chance of your LO catching bugs meaning you'll all get ill / miss time off work.

Ah so it is the women’s fault then?

Let me tell you something that was eye opening. When you go to uni, have decent jobs, are in a relationship where everyone pulls their weight, you don’t consider that that will change once you have kids.

They change as soon as you’ve had a baby. My ex went from a fullly capable and respectful adult, to someone who thought I should be in charge of not just childcare but should take on all domestic duties. And when I went back to work, I needed to find childcare, I needed to take time off because of illness and I needed to do pick ups ans drop offs. And I continued to need to go most of the housework.

I'm sorry to hear that. I guess I was lucky. But I have also seen friends make stupid choices having kids with men who don't treat them equally and/or where they haven't had those conversations and I always think why would they do that....

I’m sorry you were so unlucky and it didn’t work out for you; and that you now need to pay him maintenance. hopefully the op manages a much more equal relationship and a successful marriage,

I don't have to pay him maintenance as he got a pay out
I choose to as I feel it's the fair thing to do!
Because my ex and I work as a team.

He will return to work in six months to a year and then may be paying me child support again.

Thanks for your consideration, which sounds a bit sarcastic, but being divorced works much better for both of us and our three kids so I don't see it as a negative. Like I say our lives have all panned our well and I feel lucky.

@musti sorry to hear that. People do change and that can be shit.

Yup. Take it from someone who fell into the trap. Stop it NOW.

If her DH has the opportunity to get into the new role while she's at home then it might all look a lot easier when it's time for her to go back to work.

Yes and then of course, as it is she who is going back to work, it will be her responsibility to sort out childcare. Husband can't help, because of course he earns a lot more and has already gotten used to just swanning out the door and staying late/going out without even thinking about who is taking care of the baby. Of course he can't do much at home either, because 'he doesn't know how' and 'well the baby prefers you anyway'.

If you want your career to be equally important and him an equal parent, I would not recommend this option.

Echoing other posters here. A doubling of his salary is great, he can use it to fund a housekeeper and nanny. He may be unable to carry on with his current level of the household/childcare responsibility, but that’s a him problem, not a you problem. It’s not on you to pick up his slack.

The expectation is there from everyone . Women are the default parent and housekeeper. Even had my ex MIL criticise her unemployed son’s partner for the state of the house.

When we stayed at hers, it was me and her daughter (who also had kids) who were expected to help whilst her precious sons got tea taken to them.

And amongst my friends (most of whom have a degree and have/had a career) it is unusual to have the father pull their weight equally.

One friend did get told that he doesn’t do housework or organise childcare. And he doesn’t deapite her working longer hours.

So it depends how you are raised and society and at the moment, it is still very much the norm for it to be like that and it isn’t the fault of women picking faulty men.

But... the OP's DH is NOT in fact earning twice what she earns.

He has the opportunity to do so, but currently earns the same as she does.

He can ONLY do this role if the other necessary life-admin and day to day tasks and responsibilities are taken care of - which includes child-management and care.

OP is unavailable for this due to her existing role - therefore, logically, if he wants this better paid role, he needs to find solutions to the childcare/management issues.

Just deciding the wife will sort it out is not finding a solution. It is dumping the problem on someone else.

@musti
Like I say, sorry that is your experience but it's totally different from mine. Hence why I don't understand the aggressive nature of many posts highlighting how men need to be told and made to do things.

My circle of friends and family is varied but men and women seem to largely play equal roles and each seem to work to strengths and people are valued for contribution to family / team whether that is career, child care or whatever.

Me and my ex mil never saw eye to eye on much but she was very much an early feminist and expected my exh to pull his weight in her home and that naturally progressed to him doing the same in his own family. My son would equally expect the same, and incidentally voluntarily does far more around the house than his sisters 😂

You are in the same team here and if he is earning twice what you do, two thirds of your family income is generated by DH. Its not a case of being undermined with childcare tasks its about what is really practical here in your family unit and best use of time and resource. Financially if DH was able to take DS to school it would cost your family unit twice what it would cost if OP did it. So, its financially better for the OP to do it.

This assumes that maximising income is always the best thing for the family.

In many families this may be true.

However, in families which are already high earning, like the OP’s family, it may be that it is more important to have equality, preserve the DW’s career, and have the DH around more, rather than for the DH to earn yet more money.

I’d be telling him fine, as long as HE finds someone else to do it. Don’t start being the default parent- if this new job has just started you need to set the ground rules now and it sounds like bollocks that he can’t do either drop off or pickup (he can take calls on the way there so it’s really not that much time). Also wrap around nannies were a nightmare to find where I used to live.

For real change to happen to supporting all parents regardless of whether they are a mother or father, we need those in senior positions to lead by example. In my company we’ve had directors and senior managers of both sexes organise their work around childcare commitments. Showing our children (whichever sex) that both their parents are equally involved in their care is really important.

Your DHs new company may not have the problem your DH thinks it is. Hold firm OP.

When does this baby see the parents? 6 month olds are asleep at 7pm. He must only see them for about 20 mins in the evening?

Amazing thread.

OP: my career is important to me, how to ensure I don't need to sacrifice it for DH's?
Posters: you should be a SAHM!

This is one of the most perplexing threads I’ve ever read on MN. High earners (if your definition is the same as mine) always use nannies. Say to your husband that you’re willing to talk to an agency and sort a nanny, but then talk about his domestic role going forwards, and how that might look.

I work very part-time, husband full time and a high earner, and his contributions to child-rearing are many. As it should be, even if I was a SAHP.

My 6mos are sometimes asleep at midnight and up shortly after. I’m looking at one of them now- we did sleep at 10, up q1:30-2:30 last night, 4:30:-5:30…