Page 5 | Husband being big billy balls bollocks

Walkingtothecrucifix · 2022-09-02T22:38:08+00:00

I think i will get crucified here…but here we go. Hubby and i always been relatively high earners and happen to earn the same. We have a 6 month old son and i will be returning to work shortly. Husband has recently been offered a new job, double salary, and has started saying this means he wont be able to partake in the nursery pick up/drop offs that will be required. I get that its a new job and he has to prove himself, but am i being unreasonable stating that my career has value too? Im at a loss as what to say, bearing in mind my work means i leave home at 8 and back by 6:15. Whilst he works from home yet too busy to do the nursery run…

MarshaMelrose · 03/09/2022 06:42

If you're all going to enjoy the extra money, then he's got to be able to earn it. If they have to be picked up, presumably they're not old enough to look after themselves so who takes care of them when they get home? Most people earning a significant amount of money can't finish work at 3.30 for the day to look after the kids.

SnoozyLucy7 · 03/09/2022 06:48

deeperthanallroses · 03/09/2022 00:26

Hang on, it’s not what YOU need to look into. You need to say Dh it sounds like you can’t take the job. We don’t need the money and you have an existing commitment to me and to your baby which you seem to just be about to drop without even the courtesy of a discussion with me??? I’ll do you the courtesy of a reminder. I did not agree to do all the parenting for the family we agreed to create, and I am in a relationship wiht a man who agrees that my job and I , as well as his family, matter. If you suddenly think that’s changed we have big serious discussions to have.

Excellent comment - spot on!

OP you work full time and the moment you stop you are looking after your child. It would be relentless and the fact that he expects you carry on like that every day, when he is right there, not getting involved, is shockingly bad.

So he earns all this extra money as you run yourself ragged and he doesn’t actively participate in looking after his own child. What utter nonsense. Why did he want a family in the first place? It’s just not fair on you!

Musti · 03/09/2022 06:49

Op he can’t just change jobs and not be able to do his share and expect you to pick up the slack or organise something.

Make sure he organises it otherwise it sets a precedent where you will be the default parent (as it is in so many families).

NumberTheory · 03/09/2022 06:50

Richielogic · 03/09/2022 06:03

WOW - This site really does attract some feministic nutcase keyboard warriors commenting, its shocking. Some here really need to step down for the day. Take a day off from the Women’s Lib movement, Jeeze. This is NOT a sexist situation.

You are in the same team here and if he is earning twice what you do, two thirds of your family income is generated by DH. Its not a case of being undermined with childcare tasks its about what is really practical here in your family unit and best use of time and resource. Financially if DH was able to take DS to school it would cost your family unit twice what it would cost if OP did it. So, its financially better for the OP to do it.

Unfortunately, when you decide to have children, school runs and all this cr@p comes with it and school times especially finishing at what can feel like just after lunch time really can take its toll on you interrupting your work schedule.

Also, why people think that WFT means he would automatically have time on his hands to do school runs is beyond me. It’s the same as running a business from home, people assume you can do domestic stuff at the drop of a hat, yet you might have calls scheduled, time commitments, online meetings scheduled you might be right up against it.

This is not to undermine the great work that the OP is doing but I think DH is being honest and upfront with her. The guy will be under pressure and if his work schedule is high, making new contacts especially in a new company then he can’t do it.

My advice would be that if OP can’t support either due to going back and having similar work pressures and commitments then recruiting help to support a nanny or similar is the answer but you need to consider the financial implications of doing that, as I say this comes back to best use of time and financial resource.

This is not some feministic argument, you should do the school run because you are female, its about best use of resource. If you were bringing in two thirds of the family income and working hours meant you were not able to schedule childcare then DH would need to fit it in, if not then you outsource.

Good luck.

Your analysis is short sighted -
Cost now may be 2/3rds, but impact on OP’s future earnings and on the robustness of the family’s long term financial health is very different.

And one dimensional -
Cost to family unit now might be 2/3rds, but cost to OP is higher and it is a transfer of wealth from OP to her DH without reciprocation.

The analysis is only a feminist matter because the nature of biology and social expectations means that this advantage for one member of a family unit at the cost of another member of that unit is weighted across our society (and all others) very strongly against women. But it would stand whatever the sex of the people involved.

SnoozyLucy7 · 03/09/2022 06:59

Richielogic · 03/09/2022 06:03

WOW - This site really does attract some feministic nutcase keyboard warriors commenting, its shocking. Some here really need to step down for the day. Take a day off from the Women’s Lib movement, Jeeze. This is NOT a sexist situation.

You are in the same team here and if he is earning twice what you do, two thirds of your family income is generated by DH. Its not a case of being undermined with childcare tasks its about what is really practical here in your family unit and best use of time and resource. Financially if DH was able to take DS to school it would cost your family unit twice what it would cost if OP did it. So, its financially better for the OP to do it.

Unfortunately, when you decide to have children, school runs and all this cr@p comes with it and school times especially finishing at what can feel like just after lunch time really can take its toll on you interrupting your work schedule.

Also, why people think that WFT means he would automatically have time on his hands to do school runs is beyond me. It’s the same as running a business from home, people assume you can do domestic stuff at the drop of a hat, yet you might have calls scheduled, time commitments, online meetings scheduled you might be right up against it.

This is not to undermine the great work that the OP is doing but I think DH is being honest and upfront with her. The guy will be under pressure and if his work schedule is high, making new contacts especially in a new company then he can’t do it.

My advice would be that if OP can’t support either due to going back and having similar work pressures and commitments then recruiting help to support a nanny or similar is the answer but you need to consider the financial implications of doing that, as I say this comes back to best use of time and financial resource.

This is not some feministic argument, you should do the school run because you are female, its about best use of resource. If you were bringing in two thirds of the family income and working hours meant you were not able to schedule childcare then DH would need to fit it in, if not then you outsource.

Good luck.

Blimey! Why would you mention feminism in this argument? It’s not even relevant! It about a family, where there is mother - a person, a human, working full time expected to shoulder completely child care arrangements because her husband is suddenly earning mega bucks. The thing is the child should be priority so maybe the husband should not accept this high profile job, as they seem already financially comfortable, and just try and be more hands on with his child and not expect the wife to continually shoulder the burden and the stress of this. And I would say exactly the same if the roles were reversed!

This not a feminist issue!

Whydidimarryhim · 03/09/2022 07:07

What will he do when the child is sick and needs to stay home?
He sounds entitled and feels he has the higher status.
Money isn’t everything.

balalake · 03/09/2022 07:10

What is this very high paying job such that he cannot work from home even a couple of days a week and do this? Even the man who did not want neighbour's children in the garden in summer because he has a Very Important Job was bale to.

Well at least he was sufficiently endowed to father a child.

Itreallyistimetogo · 03/09/2022 07:10

I honestly despair at some men. I am splitting from my partner for exactly this reason. Feels his life should carry on as normal and I should do everything. Absolute dickhead.

PoppyVioletIris · 03/09/2022 07:13

I earn nearly double what my DH does. We share school runs, appointments depending on who has capacity that day. Often my DH as he works from home, but I have more flexibility if say kids are ill. We are a team.

This sort of attitude contributes to why so many women see their careers collapse after children. “Oh it wasn’t worth me working as my salary wouldn’t cover childcare costs”, “it was best for me to go PT as I earnt less”. Women then leave themselves incredibly vulnerable financially.

Tell your DH no. You both work full time. You will share the nursery runs

rwalker · 03/09/2022 07:14

Is it a case he doesn’t want to or can’t would he actually be working when nursery pick-up time

FurAndFeathers · 03/09/2022 07:16

Walkingtothecrucifix · 02/09/2022 23:48

Appreciate everyones replies. I hadn’t actually considered outside help, so maybe this is what i need to look into

Why? If he’s changing his job it’s up to him to take responsibility for finding a solution. Stop enabling him to dump the mental load on you

notdaddycool · 03/09/2022 07:18

I earn double what my wife does and do 7/10 pickups/drop offs each week. I have 3-3.30 blocked in my diary 4 days a week. He may not be able to do that but he can do a reasonable amount if he takes his head out of his bottom.

Setyoufree · 03/09/2022 07:22

I haven't read the full thread, and he's being an arse.

However. Get a full time nanny. Get a cleaner. Take that pressure out of your life. BTW I wouldn't worry about whether nursery is 'better' for your child - tell your nanny what you need. Give her the funding to take the baby to baby groups every day, allow her to socialize with other nannies looking after babies the same age.

alwaysfactor50 · 03/09/2022 07:26

A580Hojas · 03/09/2022 03:22

How many name changes? It's getting rather hard to follow.

Nuseries are not ideal for babies.

I agree!! I never get why people keep name changing on their own thread 🙄

Goldbar · 03/09/2022 07:32

Tell him to organise childcare for his days, then.

The issue isn't that he feels he can't do the pick-ups and drop-offs - it's that he thinks this is your problem to solve not his. Presumably because he thinks that your joint child is 'your' responsibility as default parent and he can dip in and out when he likes. Disabuse him of this notion promptly, otherwise your career going forward will continually take the hit for his failings.

FabFitFifties · 03/09/2022 07:36

Your baby really doesn't need nursery - age 2 plus, would be fine. I'd have him looking at other childcare options. I'd be making it super clear he can't dismiss your career and slope his responsibilities onto you. Hopefully he will have a light bulb moment when this is firmly pointed out to him. Don't just quietly sort this for him, or this will be your role in life.

Pipsquiggle · 03/09/2022 07:37

We both work FT. I earn over the average, my DH earns over 3 times my salary. We have wraparound childcare - both DC at primary school

When DH starts a new role, I tend to do the vast majority of drop offs and pick ups from the childcare for a few months. He needs that time to get his head around the job, the culture, get some stuff delivered, are there any dickhead exec directors who he shouldn't piss off etc.

After the initial period of getting the lay of the land, he then can do more on the childcare side. As he is senior he tends to control his diary more than people at junior levels.

Nurseries tend to have extended hours, will they not be enough? I found when my DC were at nursery it was easier than the wraparound childcare faff

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/09/2022 07:38

Walkingtothecrucifix · 02/09/2022 23:48

Appreciate everyones replies. I hadn’t actually considered outside help, so maybe this is what i need to look into

Apart from all the inherent sexism shown by your OH...

For me, it would depend on the detail... Realistically how long is the pick up /drop off take?

If it's literally 15 mins twice daily... Absolutely he's being a overgrown toddler Billy bigbollocks...

But if its an hour round trip twice daily and then having to prepare snacks /empty schoolbags deal with school admin?

If neither of you can do it/prepared to do it.... I'm sure a local parent (on your kids route to and from school perhaps?) would be happy to do it for 20£ per day! I

G5000 · 03/09/2022 07:39

Financially if DH was able to take DS to school it would cost your family unit twice what it would cost if OP did it.

I'm pretty sure the idea was that he will do nursery runs before work and OP also hasn't mentioned him being on an hourly wage.

OP, yes you need to nip this situation in the bud. If he cannot do something due to his work commitments, the default option can't be that he just dumps it on you to deal with.
This will only get worse, and in a few years your career will be significantly damaged as you will be doing everything child related, school runs and sick days, not to mention housework - while he has been getting promotions and doing less and less with each one of them.

Trivester · 03/09/2022 07:41

I understand where he’s coming from - it’s important to prove yourself in a new role, etc.

However, it’s also essential for your career that you do the same. You’ve lost 6 months. And while a man with a child is a solid bet, a woman is automatically seen as a liability; likely to take days off at a moments notice with a sick child, or rush off on the for if finishing time to get up the nursery.

Those last 6 months have opened up a gap - if you’d been working throughout you might have got a similar promotion. After 2 or 3 children (and 2 or 3 promotions for him) it makes financial sense to stay home altogether and save the nursery fees.

And if you do stick it out at work, in your 50s you’ll be competing with men who have wives at home supporting them.

If you want a career you need more support. Nursery has benefits but it is absolutely shit for working women. Everytime your little one has a sniffle they’ll be refused entry. If you want nursery, get a nanny as well. She can do light housekeeping and be on call for the sick days.

Read the facilitated man and facilitated man 2 threads

mandalala · 03/09/2022 07:43

So here we have a six month old baby in a nursery from 8am to 6pm - 10 hours a day - and two parents arguing about the great inconvenience - for them - of who should have to take him and pick him up. Fantastic.

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 03/09/2022 07:45

He’s a dick, he doesn’t get to opt out of parenting because he suddenly earns more. Your career is the family backstop if he fucks up the new job!

It’s his problem to take ownership of, and work with you to find a solution that works for the whole family.

We are both higher earners, and work with lots of other higher earners (surgeons, tech, etc) and the vast majority of dads manage to remain functional parents.

Branleuse · 03/09/2022 07:47

Its Gordon Giant Gonads

Pookymalooky · 03/09/2022 07:49

The other option is for you to stay home with baby now your dh is earning more money?
as someone else posted it’s a family matter not a you vs him.
6 months is very young still and it’s not like you don’t have the opportunity to stay with them unlike many others who don’t have a choice.

Musti · 03/09/2022 07:50

Richielogic · 03/09/2022 06:03

WOW - This site really does attract some feministic nutcase keyboard warriors commenting, its shocking. Some here really need to step down for the day. Take a day off from the Women’s Lib movement, Jeeze. This is NOT a sexist situation.

You are in the same team here and if he is earning twice what you do, two thirds of your family income is generated by DH. Its not a case of being undermined with childcare tasks its about what is really practical here in your family unit and best use of time and resource. Financially if DH was able to take DS to school it would cost your family unit twice what it would cost if OP did it. So, its financially better for the OP to do it.

Unfortunately, when you decide to have children, school runs and all this cr@p comes with it and school times especially finishing at what can feel like just after lunch time really can take its toll on you interrupting your work schedule.

Also, why people think that WFT means he would automatically have time on his hands to do school runs is beyond me. It’s the same as running a business from home, people assume you can do domestic stuff at the drop of a hat, yet you might have calls scheduled, time commitments, online meetings scheduled you might be right up against it.

This is not to undermine the great work that the OP is doing but I think DH is being honest and upfront with her. The guy will be under pressure and if his work schedule is high, making new contacts especially in a new company then he can’t do it.

My advice would be that if OP can’t support either due to going back and having similar work pressures and commitments then recruiting help to support a nanny or similar is the answer but you need to consider the financial implications of doing that, as I say this comes back to best use of time and financial resource.

This is not some feministic argument, you should do the school run because you are female, its about best use of resource. If you were bringing in two thirds of the family income and working hours meant you were not able to schedule childcare then DH would need to fit it in, if not then you outsource.

Good luck.

Stfu . They have a family and a home and they both work full time. If one party can no longer do his fair share then they have to find a way to manage it.

The reason why it is usually men who earn more is because the women tend to be the default parent/housekeeper.

Women, unlike entitled pricks, manage their careers and work life around the family. As it should be.