Husband being big billy balls bollocks

[Walkingtothecrucifix]

I think i will get crucified here…but here we go.

Hubby and i always been relatively high earners and happen to earn the same. We have a 6 month old son and i will be returning to work shortly.

Husband has recently been offered a new job, double salary, and has started saying this means he wont be able to partake in the nursery pick up/drop offs that will be required. I get that its a new job and he has to prove himself, but am i being unreasonable stating that my career has value too?

Im at a loss as what to say, bearing in mind my work means i leave home at 8 and back by 6:15. Whilst he works from home yet too busy to do the nursery run…

@mrsfollowill i have tried batting it back to him on other occasions, and whilst I honestly think he means well…..he comes up with mad ideas (in my opinion)….when we were discussing a week’s childcare cover he suggested his friends wife….who will be 3 weeks post c-section and dealing with a preschooler. He honestly cant see the problem in this?

He's put his dick on the table. Mr Bigger Earner. Nip it in the bud now, the presumption that you will be the default parent has begun.

It's also really out of date.

Even if no one at his level has never done a nursery pick up before, isn't he up for the challenge of being the first? It's quite a nice thing to have on your CV, leading the way and proving you can do this amazing thing with your stellar time management skills that has never been done before or only by women and/or people who earn less than him

My DH couldn't do pick ups at all because of his long commute, so he negotiated late starts and did the drop offs instead. Your DH has a lot of resources to throw at this, he needs to step up.

Nursery vs nanny is a very personal decision. Maybe you need to visit/interview both and see what your gut says.

He is going to earn double his salary which will go into the family income - it will help buy a bigger/better house, save for the children's education, private school, nice holidays.

Those saying that its his problem to do 50% of the childcare are not being realistic. They haven't split up. They haven't decided that one of them (she) needs to reduce their hours. They just need advice about how to get childcare that suits them both.

They'd be pretty stupid to turn down a doubled salary just to leave work a bit earlier because its one of their 'turns'.

No he doesn’t mean well at all, what he sees is your child, your problem. he’s been very clear with that he’s telling you who he is.

and all these posters coming out with the divorce and he’ll have to have 50-50 custody suggestions, ha ha ha ha no he doesn’t, you cannot impose a child on somebody who doesn’t want it. at best you’ll get a decent chunk of child-support.

@Slopey i do agree with you, but he, and he would probably admit, follows the old school train of thought to a degree. I did say to him, he can’t possibly compare our situation to his supervisor who is married to a sahm and homeschools.

will do some more research on nanny availability, thank you for your input

A 6 month old does not need socialising to any great degree. They sit in the babies room and chew on things. WHat are you thinking they are going to do? Get a nanny . The nanny can take them out to places as they grow like toddler groups etc as you and your DH aren't able to.

YABU
It is not your job Vs his job.It is maximising family income! as a family you are going to benefit massively from his success and big pay increase. Why would you want to cut your nose off to spite your face be not doing everything to support this?

Surely if a post bored you and made you cringe you'd just quietly scroll on? And why feel bad? How odd

Maybe she’s an empath?

Tell him to go ahead and ask his friend then if he wants to lose a friend, and possibly more friends as that is so batshit his friend will probably tell other people.
my Dh once said to me that his job mattered more- it was related to doing the work of moving us internationally and I’d already done most of it. We didn’t have dc yet, he justified it as I would have children so he needed a good career. I was very very very clear that he could never ever say that again and if he didnt want to pull his weight there was no marriage and nothing to discuss. Now, three children later, we both earn well, me about 40% more. I’ve insisted on sharing the load the whole time, it’s been a trial at times to have to say that was not fair. To point out notice how I just went and picked up ill dc yesterday, I didn’t call you first and ask if you could? Now today it’s your turn to stay with them and absent a significant event today you are stepping back not forward in this family by asking me first. You don’t only parent when I refuse.

Nannies get sick, children get sick. You need to agree half the sick days, half the early childcare pick ups, that you will get resentful and frustrated if he lets this slide, that you’re not the unvalued nanny or secretary or housekeeper, that you married a person not a salary provider and you have a family with a person. If he wants you all there when he is old, he will have to remember you’re the priority now. I’d message him
this after discussing it so if he starts reneging, you can just resend it to him with nothings changed for me, I still think I matter too and your family matters too. added.

Why would you want to cut your nose off to spite your face be not doing everything to support this

Because more money means nothing if it goes hand in hand with being married to somebody who doesn’t respect you.

He needs to put his hand in his big wallet- really - absolute disgrace trying to fob childcare onto a post c section woman .
Don't you ever give up your independence btw! It sounds like you need to leave him to flounder and get it wrong? idk- you can suggest stuff all you like but until it goes wrong he won't see it. I get it- you need to make sure your child is well looked after for sure!
FFS a lot of men are utterly blind and stupid and unrealistic (I will include my own DH in this - have just typed a long post and deleted because I ended up ranting) I really hope you can find a solution.

@user29 i actually encouraged him to take this job, he was a bit wary, and i said I could support family finances if it were to all go wrong.

So no, I don’t think its a case of “cutting off my nose”….just more miffed that the family goal posts appear to have shifted

I would like to think he could compromise? Having worked in childcare many years ago I would not leave my child in a nursery I would choose nanny/childminder every time. Personal opinion.

An extremely high salary comes with more pressure and often more travel and out of hours meetings. Surely you both considered this before him applying for the job and you encouraging him to take it?

Don't give an inch. It's not just your career in the balance, it's your social life too.

He's doing mornings Mon Wed Friday, evenings Tues and Thursday
You'll be do the rest.

And Tues and Thursday, you'll be in the gym or out on the town, so he'll need to do bath and bed as well.

@mrsfollowill its mind numbing somtimes isnt it.

i definitely have my own financial independence, that is not a concern. Like you say…..it’s trying to find a balance of leaving him to it i guess….without causing harm to our DS

Clearly not

@pawkins yes to a degree you are right. Hes got the same job but a new company. I’ve always been fairly relaxed in job moves and take it in my stride so it doesn’t really bother me. He however is definitely feeling the stress of being “worth” his new salary

Does he have a probation period as well before he is made permanent? Does his salary come with a bonus?
If the answer is yes to one or both of the above, he will have to put more effort into the new job and as it was a joint decision for him to take the job, you will both have to juggle your previous routines around while he gets settled/is made permanent.

@Walkingtothecrucifix I hear you and I get it! sending good wishes your way - I hope deep down he will too - if you can , lose your shit with him big style- I am the calmest person in the world! (honestly!) so the odd time I've 'lost it and let rip' DH has been so shocked it has actually made a change.

LTBBBB

Isn't it your husband who needs to look into it? It is he who has said he can't/won't shoulder his share of your joint responsibilities for your joint child; so surely it is down to him to arrange for his 'replacement'? Seriously. He knows the nursery run still has to happen, if he can't or won't do his share then HE must arrange for his share to be done by someone else - someone else that is not YOU. The consequences of his unilateral decision must fall on him, not you.

Speaking from experience a nanny is the way forward in this situation. Up until the age of two, children benefit much more from 121 care than they do in a nursery. If you are both high earners and have long hours then drop off/pick ups are stressful. At home baby can work to it’s up natural schedule than fitting into a nursery routine. Nanny will take them to groups (which is enough at six months) and also be able to help a little around the house (pop babies clothes in wash, maybe unload dishwasher for you). Also if you WFH you get to see them when you pop out for a break/lunch which is lovely 😊