Husband being big billy balls bollocks

[Walkingtothecrucifix]

I think i will get crucified here…but here we go.

Hubby and i always been relatively high earners and happen to earn the same. We have a 6 month old son and i will be returning to work shortly.

Husband has recently been offered a new job, double salary, and has started saying this means he wont be able to partake in the nursery pick up/drop offs that will be required. I get that its a new job and he has to prove himself, but am i being unreasonable stating that my career has value too?

Im at a loss as what to say, bearing in mind my work means i leave home at 8 and back by 6:15. Whilst he works from home yet too busy to do the nursery run…

Yes, if a woman is posting that she's worried about her career, the solution clearly is to simply forget about it and be a SAHM.

Yes. This is it exactly. It's completely dumping the mental load onto the woman. Because he's too important to worry his pretty little head about the domestic situation. It's not even worth his time to have a discussion about options. Just pass that particular parcel onto you OP.

Nanny can take little one to baby groups/play school/toddler group - of which there are many. Your little one won’t miss out on company and little ones to play with

I read it as 'has' not 'being'

I wondered what they were!

Nanny
DH takes on half sick leave and half household chores. This includes choosing the nanny

Wtf? And I say this as someone who chose to be a sahm for a decade.

If she had wanted to be a sahm she would already have thought about it but she isn’t.

I would echo what others have said here about a nanny. Whether it be shared or 121 they usually get out and about meeting other nannies attending groups etc. The staff in nurseries often have a high turn over and so I think a Nanny is a great option for your son to form a bond with someone.
You could look again at a nursery when he is 2 or 3 and he’ll get much more out of it at that age, and you can look around for something on that basis, my kids went to a lovely Montessori nursery that didn’t accept kids until 2 years old and then only a very small number so that they could learn from the older ones (name had to put down early).
You are going to have to juggle school runs later too so a nanny that can be long term sounds ideal.

I would also say that when you have worked out roughly what hours you would want a nanny to work, you discuss bed and bath time, weekend time together. Make sure expectations are clear or it will just foster resentment.

@Walkingtothecrucifix @Helloauntienun

It's hard to follow with your name changes within a thread - just pointing it out as it means some posters will have missed quite a few of your follow up posts.

I get that but also genuinely I don’t understand why people have young babies to then just not see them at all?
Great if you want a career, but actually the only person losing here is that tiny baby who needs its parents (either mum or dad).
What actual benefit does having a child bring if you’re not around for it? I do not mean people who have no choice, these are wealthy people who have had a child to accessorise their life or some sort of life bingo. Career, tick. Marriage, tick. Baby, tick.

I know this will annoy many people but many will also agree but be too terrified to actually say it on here!!!

So how is he going to square his parental responsibilities, is now the moment for him to take the job, or would it be better for him to let them know that he is already committed to x 5 pickup/drop off per week. Funnily enough, he won’t get penalised for asking and they may just say fine, if they don’t you know that you’ll need to take off the wrap around childcare off your joint salaries which may take the shine off the salary uplift.

Holy fucksticks, THAT is the bit you choose to comment on?! Incredible work, well done.

It's what I took from it as well. Too many Bs in the title..

@Pookymalooky

I do not mean people who have no choice, these are wealthy people who have had a child to accessorise their life or some sort of life bingo. Career, tick. Marriage, tick. Baby, tick.

What a horrible and ridiculous thing to say about a stranger.

How do you know they 'had a child to accessories their life or some sort of life bingo'?!

You have no idea the reason for strangers choosing to have a child or what they may have been through to have one.

see you are getting a nanny.

When they are I’ll or absent on which days will each of you cover?

who does the nanny report to? managing the nanny is work

yell your nanny when you are expecting them to take holiday (do you want time at Christmas, certain dates in the summer) and coordinate so you don’t have to look for time outside that as cover.

when your child is I’ll are you still expecting the nanny to cover (is there any reason this might not happen?)

It is what it is. If he does need to prove himself in the job and that gives him a significantly higher salary, which you have both decided you want him to do, you may well have to pick up the slack.

My exDh was always the higher earned while the kids were young and there was an understanding that I therefore did the the lions share of childcare and household/child admin.

We all benefitted from his higher earning and we didn't want all of the childcare outsourced so my career took a back seat. It absolutely didn't mean in any way that my ex disrespected me or my career, it was just logical and practical.

Just make sure you resolve all this before you consider any more kids as the work load gets infinitely more complicated when you add another one or two!

Two high flying careers = need a nanny. That’s pretty much the only way you’ll save yourselves years and years of nursery/school run arguments and bollocks.

I’d seriously reconsider nursery.

I would definitely go for a nanny. I also think it's much nicer for the baby. They only really get a benefit out of nursery once they're at least 2 I would say.

I would say he need to use part of his pay rise to fund a nanny.

he comes up with mad ideas (in my opinion)….when we were discussing a week’s childcare cover he suggested his friends wife….who will be 3 weeks post c-section and dealing with a preschooler

There's a good chance I'm reading too much into one throwaway line....but this really smacks of seeing childcare as the woman's job. Either you have to do it, or you just find some little lady with nothing better to do than dandle babies and she can just pick up the task.

Bet it's going to be you sourcing and dealing with this nanny, isn't it?

I don’t see how either of your attitudes trumps the other. Neither of you want to do it. So put some of those high earnings to use and hire someone to do the bits of childcare that you can’t.

But than in this instance, surely, it’s the father who should be asking him self this? He is the one who is wanting to opt out of child care because he he has deemed himself too important- now that he is the double earner, and it’s on his full time working wife to sort it out.

Blimey, of course childcare and who does it is a feminist issue! It's normally the point in many women's (and a few men's) lives when the scales fall from your eyes and you realise the structural sexism of society.

So, for instance, I have two female friends who are doctors. One is married to another doctor, a surgeon. The other is a surgeon herself and is married to a scientist.

The first one works 3 days per week, sorts her whole career round supporting her DH's hours, sorts their DC out and at one point had the MIL from overseas living with them for 6 months, which turned out to be mostly her problem.

The female surgeon works more than full time, sorts out all the arrangements for the DC (the DH does do some hands on stuff but seems to think nothing of suddenly announcing he's working away at short notice). It couldn't be more obvious that it's not about the job tbh!

Regarding OP, the only thing that surprises me is these conversations are occurring when DC is 6 months but maybe high salaries insulate you from social realities a little?

I think with not much planning time a nanny is probably the only decent solution. Guess who will end up recruiting and managing the nanny though?

I would caution any woman against expecting their DP/DH to be radically different to most, whatever they say pre DC. Then you can only be pleasantly surprised

I would suggest, kindly, that you both need to do better than this with any problem solving in the future. You'll have years of it.

It isn't rocket science that if you both work then you'll need outside help be it a nanny, nursery, childminder whatever. Millions use childcare every single day.

Both high earners, so presumably quite clever, yet have to come on MN to get the obvious response of outside help.

Really? What sort of jobs are these people doing that they can't even solve a simple life issue without starting a thread?

That’s a bit dismissive? It’s the woman who has come on here to get a bit of perspective, a bit advice as she is the one currently expected to sort everything out in regards to child care despite the fact that she a full time job. Many people have been in this predicament and she’s looking for advice. Isn’t that what MN is about?