Husband being big billy balls bollocks

[Walkingtothecrucifix]

I think i will get crucified here…but here we go.

Hubby and i always been relatively high earners and happen to earn the same. We have a 6 month old son and i will be returning to work shortly.

Husband has recently been offered a new job, double salary, and has started saying this means he wont be able to partake in the nursery pick up/drop offs that will be required. I get that its a new job and he has to prove himself, but am i being unreasonable stating that my career has value too?

Im at a loss as what to say, bearing in mind my work means i leave home at 8 and back by 6:15. Whilst he works from home yet too busy to do the nursery run…

Basically you're worth less so should do the grunt work.

That's what it comes down to.

how mature of you

This.

He's the one who's made himself unavailable for the previous childcare arrangements so it's up to him to find a nanny or whatever other solution they decide on. How did this not occur to him before?

Their child is both their responsibility not just the OP.

The significance lies not in who does what but in the attitudes behind it. Does your DH believe that his increased wages mean he is too important to be bothered with domestic life? Even if you hire in outside help, that attitude is going to cause problems in the future. You can’t outsource everything to do with parenting.

A friend had a partner like this. It was like a transaction where she got to live in luxury married to an entitled wanker who contributed nothing to family life.

How many name changes? It's getting rather hard to follow.

Nuseries are not ideal for babies.

I'm a single parent to 2 DC under 7, one with additional needs. I'm also a high earner. With both DC at school now, I've just hired a Nanny Housekeeper. She's only been with me 2 days, and I can already feel the relief and stress around logistics has melted away.

It'll cost me the best part of £40k per year including taxes etc, however you've said you don't need your DH's salary and he's about to double it. In your shoes I would 100% get a Nanny as it will revolutionise your home life.

You also need a strong conversation with your DH regarding roles though. Even if you employ a Nanny, it shouldn't mean he gets to outsource everything home related to you and/or her on account of his big job. He should be contributing to, and actively participating in, family life in more ways than just financial.

Has he actually said why he thinks he can't do it? If it's just about making a good impression when he starts his new job, then could it just be a temporary thing rather than permanent?

If you can get a full time nanny then do that. I think being cared for at home being taken to playgroups etc would be much more beneficial for baby. Probably will have less illness etc too.

It's not up to you op to find a solution? It's up to both of you. If he, or you don't want to get outside help, then he doesn't take the job. His family need to come first and he needs to realise that. I'd have a very stern conversation with him about it

Sounds unfair. I work outside the house and drop my son off every morning in the car. My husband works from home and goes to pick him up in the evening even though we only have one car and it's a half hour walk or bus journey there. He should really be trying to make the effort to do pick ups and drop offs when he can.

Leaving aside the father’s attitude, in the financial circumstances you describe, at 6 months a reliable nanny is a much better option for 2 busy parents, because of all the days that the baby will be home sick. It’s also very convenient to be able to come straight home to a fed and well-rested baby instead of detouring to collect an overtired one. Just make sure you have a backup plan for days when the nanny is sick or on holidays.

My salary comes with a bonus. It doesn’t in any way change my family commitments.
also, op- when I return to work after mat leave, my Dh is on notice to be first responder for sick children so I don’t look flaky and like I’m not into it as a returning mum. Do not under any circumstances make this the timing for you being that default. He has a new job, you are returning to work, maybe it’s equal rather than on him. But it’s not on you, that’s not fair and it is hard to recover from in your relationship.
since you’re negotiating new rules for this new situation of being a family, when my mil asks what to get dc for xmas if I don’t have anything in mind… I tell Dh it’s up to him. She usually asks us to then buy and wrap it. That’s also on him. I still end up doing all our presents to the dc which I plan to change, but i do take the idea and tell dh ds needs a <thing>, can you get him one. A party invite arrives you should be able to hand it to dh and say check the calendar and rsvp please and get a present. This should not all fall to you.

Billy Big Bollocks (Billy Big Baws if you're in Scotland though. Sorry, it made my brain itch.) can use his enormous........ salary to pay for the Nanny, easy :D

And when you suggest that as the obvious solution, you can ask him why his first thought was to dump the work on you, why he didn't immediately think 'we can use some of this money to afford a Nanny' but instead thought 'Walkingtothecrufix hasn't enough on, her income isn't relevant, nor is her career, she can do it, no bother..'

Thats the issue that would fuck me right off, the first sign of anything awkward and dump it on the wife - no conversation, no thought, just dump and forget.

^^ Very much this.

The issue isn’t so much that your DH has taken a job that means he can’t physically do nursery pickups etc. It’s that he can’t do than and so has unilaterally decided that you will pick up the slack. And whether you do that by doing all the pick up etc. or by researching and hiring a nanny, it still means he has made you the default carer and if you take on that role it will eat into your life You need to make clear to him that he needs to think about his children. He can’t opt out of parenting just because he’s got a better paying job. He may outsource some of the work but he needs to be anticipating their needs and putting things in place. You have a decade of childcare issues ahead of you and two decades of anticipating their needs, working around their schedules, being concerned about their health, and being there for them emotionally, and while you can outsource a lot of the physical work, you can’t outsource the headspace.

@Walkingtothecrucifix what kind of work can you double your salary in similar role? Or actually it is higher targets managing more staff etc?

All I get from this thread is all that money and no common sense.

Please don't do any research into a nanny. Tell him it's his responsibility to solve it and don't get involved - at most suggest he could get a nanny. You don't want that mental load to come to you.

I would want to be involved in finding a nanny. I think it would be best to make this a joint venture.

If it helps I earn less than DH but wanted a promotion- explained it would mean DH stepping up to do more pick up/drop offs as I would be increasing my hours, at no point did DH point out he would still be earning more. We found a way to make it work - some days are trickier when he is away/both have meetings late but we find a way to make it work. We view income as combined neither being more important because vastly different industries!

WOW - This site really does attract some feministic nutcase keyboard warriors commenting, its shocking. Some here really need to step down for the day. Take a day off from the Women’s Lib movement, Jeeze. This is NOT a sexist situation.

You are in the same team here and if he is earning twice what you do, two thirds of your family income is generated by DH. Its not a case of being undermined with childcare tasks its about what is really practical here in your family unit and best use of time and resource. Financially if DH was able to take DS to school it would cost your family unit twice what it would cost if OP did it. So, its financially better for the OP to do it.

Unfortunately, when you decide to have children, school runs and all this cr@p comes with it and school times especially finishing at what can feel like just after lunch time really can take its toll on you interrupting your work schedule.

Also, why people think that WFT means he would automatically have time on his hands to do school runs is beyond me. It’s the same as running a business from home, people assume you can do domestic stuff at the drop of a hat, yet you might have calls scheduled, time commitments, online meetings scheduled you might be right up against it.

This is not to undermine the great work that the OP is doing but I think DH is being honest and upfront with her. The guy will be under pressure and if his work schedule is high, making new contacts especially in a new company then he can’t do it.

My advice would be that if OP can’t support either due to going back and having similar work pressures and commitments then recruiting help to support a nanny or similar is the answer but you need to consider the financial implications of doing that, as I say this comes back to best use of time and financial resource.

This is not some feministic argument, you should do the school run because you are female, its about best use of resource. If you were bringing in two thirds of the family income and working hours meant you were not able to schedule childcare then DH would need to fit it in, if not then you outsource.

Good luck.

This seems to be a big argument between you too that goes deeper than childcare - you don’t feel he respects you. That’s what you need to talk to him about. Getting hired help on a high salary is a no brainier - the red herring for me is why are you two arguing over this issue.

The main issue for me, would be that DP thinks he can just ‘drop out’ of family life. I was a single parent for years and it gets bloody exhausting doing the majority of pick ups and drop offs and I have a flexible job!

personally I would ask him
what he suggests if he cannot do his share of pick ups and drop offs and leave him to sort. If you run round doing it you are setting your self up to take on all the mental load / unpaid labour

I was offered a big promotion when on mat leave. I was already the higher earner. Funnily enough, I didn't take this to mean I could check out of doing 50% of the work with our child. It only ever seems to be men that think like this.

(Practically, as others have said, a nanny is a good solution. We had a lovely one. She took the baby to lots of groups so she got socialised without a nursery. )

I voted YABU but only because he needs to hire (and manage) his cover arrangement.

You can’t put his career on hold for nursery runs OP and he can make you sole pick up parent.

*can’t make you! Can’t! 😬