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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP asking the same question every day. AIBU to ignore him?

418 replies

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 19:39

I've posted on here before about part one of this issue so some people might recognise it.

Basically, DP used to give me a hard time whenever I got home late from work. I finish at 4pm and live about 15 minutes from work. He used to get the hump and quiz me whenever I was home later than 4.20pm. He has the sort of job when he can down tools bang on finishing time and if a job isn't done then it's "someone else's problem". My job isn't like that. If I don't finish a task then it's still waiting for me the next morning. Plus I like to have a gossip with my colleagues sometimes after work 🤷‍♀️ anyway after months of this, I explained all this to him and he reluctantly agreed to cut it out.

A few months on though I noticed he would text me near the end of my working day saying "are you going to be home sharp today?" I didn't think much of it at the time but then he started sending it earlier and earlier until one day he sent it at 10am! I snapped. He huffed. Stopped for 2 weeks. Now doing it again.

I'm now ignoring him when he texts. I can tell it's annoying him because he sent the same message "will you be home sharp today?" twice in the space of an hour.

AIBU? I'm a grown woman and can plan my work day however I please.

OP posts:
NeedAHoliday2021 · 02/09/2022 20:43

Him “will you be home sharp today?”
Reply “let’s just say the answer to your daily question is ‘unlikely’ my turn, are you going to stop treating me like I have a curfew and instead respect me as an adult human being?”

Isthisexpected · 02/09/2022 20:43

I think if you have to ignore a partner instead of have a conversation about an area of difficulty and actually resolve it then you don't have a healthy relationship. Clearly he isn't going to magically change. Neither will you. It takes some self reflection and potentially therapy. Have you wondered how you've ended up mirroring your parents?

Oysterbabe · 02/09/2022 20:46

If you don't feel minded to just bin him, tell him that you will never answer that question again and mean it. Completely ignore it in future.

Lollipop25 · 02/09/2022 20:48

He doesn’t trust you, end of. Pure control freak. I wouldn’t answer any of his messages. TBH I’d run a mile🚩🚩🚩

Pudpud30 · 02/09/2022 20:48

I wouldn’t be able to tell you at 10am if I’d be in a position to leave work on time at 4pm - there’s too much that could change in that time - so definitely think sending that question so early is ridiculous. I think his message wouldn’t be unreasonable if it were a one off for a specific reason, but the regularity of it strikes as being controlling

OldFan · 02/09/2022 20:49

YANBU it's your life. This is the third time. I suppose you'll have to give him some sort of ultimatum, if it's (rightly) important to you.

Original poster
BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 20:50

Is he controlling in other ways? I wouldn't say so but he is needy. If I say oh I have a big meeting today between 9 and 2 for example he will still text constantly throughout the day. Will text when I'm on training courses. Sometimes just the same message "hi gorgeous" every hour if I don't reply. He doesn't stop me going out but it's 1001 questions where am I going who's going what time are you home and texts throughout. He doesn't and can't physically stop me from doing anything.

As for the "what are you going to do about it?". Certainly not going to end my 12yr relationship at 8.30pm on a Friday night. I posted to ask if I was being unreasonable. The consensus is I'm not. So I'm going to have another word next week and go from there.

I'm working away next week for a couple of days so will see what he's like then.

OP posts:
jay55 · 02/09/2022 20:51

I'd be taking myself for a long walk or coffee or to the pictures after work each day.

cherish123 · 02/09/2022 20:52

It would annoy me. Is it a new relationship? He or she seems a bit possessive. Do you live together? If not, I would not move in together.

DecayedStrumpet · 02/09/2022 20:53

*He doesn't stop me going out but it's 1001 questions where am I going who's going what time are you home and texts throughout. He doesn't and can't physically stop me from doing anything.

Hawkins001 · 02/09/2022 20:53

All the best op, it's certainly controlling behaviour.

DecayedStrumpet · 02/09/2022 20:54

DecayedStrumpet · 02/09/2022 20:53

*He doesn't stop me going out but it's 1001 questions where am I going who's going what time are you home and texts throughout. He doesn't and can't physically stop me from doing anything.

Sorry posted too soon

He doesn't need to stop you does he?
Eventually it will just seem like too much hassle answering all the questions and fielding all the texts, and you'll go out less and less.

Original poster
BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 20:54

Pudpud30 · 02/09/2022 20:48

I wouldn’t be able to tell you at 10am if I’d be in a position to leave work on time at 4pm - there’s too much that could change in that time - so definitely think sending that question so early is ridiculous. I think his message wouldn’t be unreasonable if it were a one off for a specific reason, but the regularity of it strikes as being controlling

Well precisely. Anything could crop up between 10am and 4pm. We had a break-in one Friday a few weeks back which was discovered at 3.50pm. Sods law but I couldn't just walk away and leave it for the weekend.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/09/2022 20:55

Sharp! Sharply he can fuck off!

ChunkyMonkeyIsBack · 02/09/2022 20:56

So I'm going to have another word next week and go from there.

but you have had words with him before and he hasn’t listened so what makes you think he’ll change next week?

Milesty1 · 02/09/2022 20:56

I’d find this really odd behaviour, you seem to take offence at people saying end it, but if it’s annoying you enough to post on a forum like this and he won’t stop, I’d definitely say that’s food for thought. Sounds very controlling and can only get worse if not nipped in the bud.

Herejustforthisone · 02/09/2022 20:58

Well, he sounds completely unbearable. And controlling as fuck. Hideous.

Octomore · 02/09/2022 20:59

DecayedStrumpet · 02/09/2022 20:54

Sorry posted too soon

He doesn't need to stop you does he?
Eventually it will just seem like too much hassle answering all the questions and fielding all the texts, and you'll go out less and less.

Show quote history

Exactly this. You need to leave him, as this won't get better.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 02/09/2022 21:00

If I ever got this desperate for a bloke you could kill me now.

Raise your standards OP.

It's so abnormal and bloody creepy.

whynotwhatknot · 02/09/2022 21:00

I have anxiety but even i dont text dh all day asking what time he'll be hme-he text off the train and thats enough

i couldnt stand the bombarment all day and neither could he

what was your other thread about

Original poster
BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 21:02

Milesty1 · 02/09/2022 20:56

I’d find this really odd behaviour, you seem to take offence at people saying end it, but if it’s annoying you enough to post on a forum like this and he won’t stop, I’d definitely say that’s food for thought. Sounds very controlling and can only get worse if not nipped in the bud.

I'm intending to nip it in the bud. The post was to check I wasn't overreacting. I'm objecting to the posters who treat threads like this as a soap opera.

OP posts:
Octomore · 02/09/2022 21:02

12 years of this behaviour must have really ground you down. He's got you questioning your own sanity, making you think there's a possibility that what's he's doing is okay.

It's not you, not at all. It's him.

Tabbouleh · 02/09/2022 21:03

You have put up with this nutter for 12 years? 12 days would be too much.

Octomore · 02/09/2022 21:03

Asking him to stop after 12 years isn't "nipping it in the bud". That horse has well and truly bolted. It's an established behaviour of his, and has been for a long while.

Jenniferturkington · 02/09/2022 21:03

Maybe he’s up to something and is clarifying how much time he has to do it? Tell him you’re going to be late and then turn up on time.