Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP asking the same question every day. AIBU to ignore him?

418 replies

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 19:39

I've posted on here before about part one of this issue so some people might recognise it.

Basically, DP used to give me a hard time whenever I got home late from work. I finish at 4pm and live about 15 minutes from work. He used to get the hump and quiz me whenever I was home later than 4.20pm. He has the sort of job when he can down tools bang on finishing time and if a job isn't done then it's "someone else's problem". My job isn't like that. If I don't finish a task then it's still waiting for me the next morning. Plus I like to have a gossip with my colleagues sometimes after work 🤷‍♀️ anyway after months of this, I explained all this to him and he reluctantly agreed to cut it out.

A few months on though I noticed he would text me near the end of my working day saying "are you going to be home sharp today?" I didn't think much of it at the time but then he started sending it earlier and earlier until one day he sent it at 10am! I snapped. He huffed. Stopped for 2 weeks. Now doing it again.

I'm now ignoring him when he texts. I can tell it's annoying him because he sent the same message "will you be home sharp today?" twice in the space of an hour.

AIBU? I'm a grown woman and can plan my work day however I please.

OP posts:
CherrySocks · 02/09/2022 20:17

Have you asked him WHY he keeps asking this?

Do you do other activities separately or is work the only time you are out of the house without him?

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/09/2022 20:17

Now you've added the bit about overtime and training I really think you need to split up.

Imagine the impact of this on his life in 15 years time? He's going to be in the same job, sad and bitter because he never got promoted etc while all the time doing everything he can to limit his life (and yours). Go out and live your life, mistakes and all.

MillyWithaY · 02/09/2022 20:17

Jesus Christ. How can you be bothered with this shit? Seriously?

Original poster
BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 20:18

What pp's are saying about him being all "oh they're taking advantage of you" "getting their pound of flesh" etc etc rings true - that's how he frames it. He's been in this "leave bang on x time" job for over 10yrs too and would never ever volunteer to do any overtime ever, so it's not the norm for him.

OP posts:
Keha · 02/09/2022 20:18

My DH does something a bit like this and is not controlling in any other way. However he also doesn't understand that because I technically finish at X time, I can't always just jump off and run away at that moment. I think our work experience is very different. His job is pick up put down, he doesn't like his colleagues or his job all that much so he is basically waiting with his coat on at the door at finish time (as are his colleagues). He can't really get his head around the idea that I might want to finish off some emails or chat to colleagues or that in my role there might be an expectation of flexibility at finish time, or even that if I don't finish whatever today, than tomorrow will be more stressful for me. He isn't as persistent as your DH but I do largely ignore it when he comments on me being home 20 - 30 mins "late".

HundredMilesAnHour · 02/09/2022 20:18

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 19:58

My parents were the same. I think that's why this bothers me so much.

Show quote history

I actually think you aren't bothered enough! Probably because you are more desensitised to it because of your parents.

The majority of posters on this thread would have dumped him after he did this max a couple of times. Yet you carry on. You don't like it but you're not doing anything about it.

Personally if someone did this twice to me, there'd be a VERY firm conversation. Do it again and it would be ultimatum time. And a fourth time? It'd be over.

I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg OP. If he's this controlling over your work, what else is he controlling over? If you persist in staying with this abuser, don't marry him and don't get pregnant. I hope you know that you deserve better than this. Ask yourself why you haven't already walked away. This isn't normal. This is abuse.

FinallyHere · 02/09/2022 20:19

Honestly, who cares why he does it.

There is no sensible reason for him to do it when there are no plans in place or coordination required around DC or pets.

Either he stops or you choose whether you can put with this forever. Who would put up with it?

Octomore · 02/09/2022 20:21

My DH does something a bit like this and is not controlling in any other way. However he also doesn't understand...

He's a grown adult man, right? He understands.

He can't really get his head around the idea that I might want to finish off some emails or chat to colleagues..

He doesn't want you chatting to colleagues.

TheFlis12345 · 02/09/2022 20:22

Is he controlling in other ways OP? I don’t think you have answered that.

crumpet · 02/09/2022 20:24

Are you allowed to decide when and how often you go out and about with friends, shopping, coffee etc?

CoolerThanIceCream · 02/09/2022 20:25

So, @BabyBear101 - what are you going to do about it?

billy1966 · 02/09/2022 20:26

So you married a man just like your parents?

Controlling.

You are still with him?

He's not going to change.

If you are silly enough to have children with him, THEN his really Controlling nature will come out.

He will think you are stuck and that he can ramp up his behaviour.

Can you not see how abnormal and totly fxxk up it is for him to be at work but texting you about your finishing time?

He's a controlling freak and you better wake up and cop on and see what is going on right in front of you.

You have an absolutely shit future ahead of you if you don't.

Twawmyarse · 02/09/2022 20:26

FayeGovan · 02/09/2022 20:04

Hes got a guilty conscience hasnt he? Hes put it about before and now suspects the op is doing it to him. Classic arsehole behaviour.

This was my first thought. Classic cheaters behaviour to accuse their partner bc that's actually what they're up to themselves - to put them on the back- foot.

And the wording makes my skin crawl, "are you going to be home sharp today?" ??? YUCK! I'm imaging some little Hitler type with a buzz cut!

ComeOnThenFanny · 02/09/2022 20:26

What would he say if you said - "right, enough of this shit, it ends right now."?
How would he react? Because if you don't do that, this is just the beginning, I can promise you.

Wetblanket78 · 02/09/2022 20:28

What a control freak. What does he say if you're popping to get a bit of shopping on the way home?

BitOutOfPractice · 02/09/2022 20:29

You haven’t answered the all import question op. Is he a controlling arsehole in the rest of your relationship or is this the only way he’s a controlling arsehole?

because make no mistake, we are now just discussing degrees of controlling arseholianism

Verbena87 · 02/09/2022 20:31

“Dunno. Will you be respecting my autonomy any time soon?”

StaunchMomma · 02/09/2022 20:32

He's a controlling arsehole.

Tell him to feck right off.

CoolerThanIceCream · 02/09/2022 20:33

We’re not going to get an answer to how controlling he is in other ways, just as the OP isn’t going to answer my repeated question - what is she going to do about this situation?

This is just a vent thread.

She’s going to go back to life with this skin-crawling, needy individual, and then pop up on here in a while and post about him again.

Ad infinitum.

LurkingBookseller · 02/09/2022 20:33

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 20:18

What pp's are saying about him being all "oh they're taking advantage of you" "getting their pound of flesh" etc etc rings true - that's how he frames it. He's been in this "leave bang on x time" job for over 10yrs too and would never ever volunteer to do any overtime ever, so it's not the norm for him.

So it’s not the norm for him - fine. But YOU are not him, neither are you an extension of him: you are a grown adult who’s entitled to make decisions for herself. It is your job, your workplace, and if he can’t accept that you do things a bit differently to him, then he has major issues.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/09/2022 20:36

Also I agree with the PP who said the “sharp” but would tip me over the edge. Who the actual dies he think he is? Your boss? (Clue: yes that’s exactly who he thinks he is)

Ellie56 · 02/09/2022 20:37

This would drive me insane. You don't have to put up with this.

I would dump this knobhead sharp. It won't get any better.

daisychain01 · 02/09/2022 20:38

CoolerThanIceCream · 02/09/2022 20:09

I cannot believe all these people saying, ‘just ignore it….’, ‘just say …..’

No. Leave him.

They’re not married. They don’t have children.

She’s asked him not to do this, and nothing is changing. Nothing will.

She should dump his pathetic, needy arse and move on.

The OP is asking "AIBU to ignore him?" Not "AIBU to get the hell out of this toxic controlling relationship where I have to present myself from work to his exact specification?"

clearly the OP knows the situation and have no desire to do anything about it, so no further advice needed. It isn't even as if they have children.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/09/2022 20:39

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. You're not married and you don't have kids. Get the hell out of dodge.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 02/09/2022 20:42

Is there any chance he’s trying to check if the house is empty? Jealous/possessive people are often projecting their own infidelities onto their partners.