DP asking the same question every day. AIBU to ignore him?

[BabyBear101]

I've posted on here before about part one of this issue so some people might recognise it.

Basically, DP used to give me a hard time whenever I got home late from work. I finish at 4pm and live about 15 minutes from work. He used to get the hump and quiz me whenever I was home later than 4.20pm. He has the sort of job when he can down tools bang on finishing time and if a job isn't done then it's "someone else's problem". My job isn't like that. If I don't finish a task then it's still waiting for me the next morning. Plus I like to have a gossip with my colleagues sometimes after work 🤷‍♀️ anyway after months of this, I explained all this to him and he reluctantly agreed to cut it out.

A few months on though I noticed he would text me near the end of my working day saying "are you going to be home sharp today?" I didn't think much of it at the time but then he started sending it earlier and earlier until one day he sent it at 10am! I snapped. He huffed. Stopped for 2 weeks. Now doing it again.

I'm now ignoring him when he texts. I can tell it's annoying him because he sent the same message "will you be home sharp today?" twice in the space of an hour.

AIBU? I'm a grown woman and can plan my work day however I please.

I can’t even imagine living a life, where I routinely come onto an anonymous forum for advice about my sub-standard partner - am told by literally everyone that his behaviour is not OK - and then toddle off and continue that life, and that cycle.

But you clearly get something out of this, so enjoy.

And I mean, 12 years, well, of course you shouldn’t break up with him if you’ve been putting up with this shit with him that long.

P.S. Google ‘sunken cost fallacy’.

How have you put up with this for 12 years? It’s an untenable way to live.

When you’re away with work he texts you the same ‘hey gorgeous’ text every hour until you reply? That’s bonkers. Do you still fancy him? How can you have sex with someone so pathetic?

He hasn't been like this for 12yrs!
It's only been the past year.

It's got absolutely nothing to do with when his job finishes. DP and I work in totally different sectors doing totally different things. I don't need to know what he does or when it finishes. Ordinary people don't require their partners to be home 'sharp' or to be in constant text contact. It is control, classic control.

Does he talk about your clothes and makeup too?

Just reply “probably won’t be home for a while, I’ve got to call in on a divorce lawyer on the way back.”

The worrying part is that you need to ask a bunch of online oddbods if this is unacceptable.

Where is your own judgement in this?

Every single reply here is that he is being unreasonable.

Do you have a history of being abused and controlled? (I think you said you had.)

You are behaving like someone who has no idea of clear boundaries in a relationship and who cannot recognise abusive behaviour.

The fact he comes home bang on time is not the issue.

The fact you might stay later at work is not the issue.

The issue is, he wants you to do his bidding. This is not the 18th century. You do not belong to him or have to do what he says.

This is an example of an abusive man trying to control his partner.

Why does it matter if you are not home by 4.20?
What is he wanting to do that is so time-important?

Nothing, I expect.

It's all about having you under his thumb.

I can't believe this is the only example in your 12 year relationship.

Please get yourself some counselling and learn about abuse and how to (ideally) leave this relationship.

So what changed?

Is it that you only started occasionally being 5 mins late this year, and before you were more compliant?
Has he always given you aggro when you see your friends, or is that new this year too?
Is he doing something he shouldn't and projecting his own actions on to you?

Something has changed to trigger this.

Just say no every time.

Then reply "I refer you to my earlier answer" if he asks again.

You could save it as a reply to save time

Agree with others it sounds possessive. And irritating. Why should you need to explain every day the exact reason why you are later home than he would expect? God I think I’d absolutely lose my shit of my partner did this

@BabyBear101 - does he have nothing else to occupy him? How does he get home so early?

Odd. Is there anything that has prompted this behaviour in the last year? Not that it matters much.

Re: what's changed...

Are you now pregnant or engaged? Those are classic triggers for a man to ramp up control and abuse.

So you’re trying to tell us he was a perfectly normal, non-needy, non-skin-crawling man for 11 years, then - bam - he started doing this….?

Thats strange, do you know what started it? Is that when you started this job?

Do you think that Covid has anything to do with it? Were either of you furloughed and home more?

This is super weird, huge red flags for me.

He works nights so home alone all day. He talks at me constantly when I come home so I assume its boredom?

Just what abusive men need.... more potential excuses for people to make on their behalf.

Covid/furlough is not going to excuse this.

What caused him to start doing this then? He sounds controlling, a few red flags here

He hasn't been like this for 12yrs. It's only been the past year.

Really?

I think that if you reflect on his behaviour there will be other examples of him trying to dictate what you do.

Not about work and coming home, but other things.

You are having a problem recognising abuse.

The odds are he's been abusive all along but you have not recognised it and taken it all as 'normal'.

Sounds like he has trust issues. I couldn't stand the controlling behaviour.

COVID doesn’t / didn’t turn normal, well-adjusted non-needy men into pathetic controlling arseholes.

My job got more "responsibility" 2 years ago. That's when the overtime/extra work increased a bit.

He's so pathetic that he can't amuse himself in the day before you come home?

Come on...there is more to this than just the work hours.

Just text:
’If I’m going to be later than 5pm, I’ll text you.’

Send the same message every single time - nothing else - until he gets the message.