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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP asking the same question every day. AIBU to ignore him?

418 replies

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 19:39

I've posted on here before about part one of this issue so some people might recognise it.

Basically, DP used to give me a hard time whenever I got home late from work. I finish at 4pm and live about 15 minutes from work. He used to get the hump and quiz me whenever I was home later than 4.20pm. He has the sort of job when he can down tools bang on finishing time and if a job isn't done then it's "someone else's problem". My job isn't like that. If I don't finish a task then it's still waiting for me the next morning. Plus I like to have a gossip with my colleagues sometimes after work 🤷‍♀️ anyway after months of this, I explained all this to him and he reluctantly agreed to cut it out.

A few months on though I noticed he would text me near the end of my working day saying "are you going to be home sharp today?" I didn't think much of it at the time but then he started sending it earlier and earlier until one day he sent it at 10am! I snapped. He huffed. Stopped for 2 weeks. Now doing it again.

I'm now ignoring him when he texts. I can tell it's annoying him because he sent the same message "will you be home sharp today?" twice in the space of an hour.

AIBU? I'm a grown woman and can plan my work day however I please.

OP posts:
Original poster
BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 19:56

He takes the same attitude if I need to do any overtime if we are short staffed "why do you have to do it?" because there's nobody else and we all take our turn.

Ditto training courses "why can't they be done online?"

OP posts:
Nagado · 02/09/2022 19:56

This is not normal and not healthy.

Is he just like this with work or do you have to explain your movements at other times too?

Sparklesocks · 02/09/2022 19:56

I think I’d end up dawdling and getting a coffee or a gin or something just to spite the bastard.

rnsaslkih · 02/09/2022 19:57

Christ, wtf is his problem. You don’t have kids - you can leave without worrying about anyone but yourself.

Ihaveanoldiphone · 02/09/2022 19:57

Ugh my parents did this. They were very controlling, always keeping tabs on me. Glad I got out of there. It’s controlling behaviour and is actually abusive.

KangFang · 02/09/2022 19:57

LTB

LilianLenton · 02/09/2022 19:58

I'd say either "No" or "IDK". With nothing else on the text message. And then go for a coffee, or to the supermarket. He sounds rather controlling.

idonotmind · 02/09/2022 19:58

I thought this was gonna be lighthearted - I had a rant lined up about DH asking me (again) what's for lunch today?!

OP - this is super controlling, wtaf. Just leave him.

Also, home 'sharp' arghhhhhhhh

FayeGovan · 02/09/2022 19:58

I'd text him at 9.30am and say "dont fucking text me any of your controlling shite today I'll be home when it suits me arsehole"

Get in there first as it were

Ffsmakeitstop · 02/09/2022 19:58

My DH used to be like this. If I went out he would need to know exactly how long I would be. I used to just ignore him or explain very slowly that I am an adult and can come and go as I please. He stopped but just occasionally if I'm late home from work he will comment "oh you're late" which usually means I have to be sarcastic and dramatic ,"no really!"
Either ignore or tell him to grow up.

Original poster
BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 19:58

Ihaveanoldiphone · 02/09/2022 19:57

Ugh my parents did this. They were very controlling, always keeping tabs on me. Glad I got out of there. It’s controlling behaviour and is actually abusive.

My parents were the same. I think that's why this bothers me so much.

OP posts:
PoppyVioletIris · 02/09/2022 19:59

@BabyBear101 You are not unreasonable, but your updates on overtime and training are even more concerning.

Is he happy for you to go out with friends and family? Does he want to know exactly when you will be back? What about hobbies/going to the gym?

idonotmind · 02/09/2022 19:59

Ditto training courses "why can't they be done online?"

Cos it's easier to meet other bokes for one off sex sessions at in-person training courses?

HappyChloé2 · 02/09/2022 20:00

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 19:47

We don't have children so no reason for me to be home bang on 4.15pm.

Because his job is leave bang on x time, he doesn't understand why I don't.

What do you mean by “doesn’t understand”? You’ll have explained to him how it works, so are you saying that he doesn’t believe you, or does he have some sort of cognitive deficit that means that he genuinely can’t process information?

thistimelastweek · 02/09/2022 20:00

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 19:47

We don't have children so no reason for me to be home bang on 4.15pm.

Because his job is leave bang on x time, he doesn't understand why I don't.

He doesn't have to understand why you don't.

He just needs to understand your time is your own. To spend how you like. Without permission from him.

PinkyFlamingo · 02/09/2022 20:02

Why ate you putting up with this madness.

pigsDOfly · 02/09/2022 20:02

Shinyandnew1 · 02/09/2022 19:50

But surely once you have explained to him that lots of jobs-such as yours-aren’t like that, he will understand.

Does he have difficulty understanding any other simple things?

Show quote history

She doesn't need to explain how her job differs from his so he understands.

She's an autonomous adult she doesn't need to 'explain' her movements to anyone.

If she is going to be very late then by all means send a message, just our of courtesy, to say I won't be home till around 8 as I'm going for a coffee, for example, but to have to explain every day exactly what time she is going to be home and have to explain why she's 5 minutes late is not on.

His behaviour is controlling and unhealthy. Might be time to rethink your relationship OP.

FayeGovan · 02/09/2022 20:02

Why do women put up with this crap?

Honestly there's worst things than being alone....as @BabyBear101 has found out...

kimchifox · 02/09/2022 20:02

Next time reply "No I won't, I'm going to the Pub".

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 20:03

Honestly this is really controlling.

Is he the same if you go out anywhere without him?

MissAmbrosia · 02/09/2022 20:03

Only you know him so it could be controlling. My ex worked a trade as did his father before him. There was no understanding that my job was not like that - unpaid overtime was needed from time to time. Training courses and work travel were on top. He didn't nag me like your dp does, but over time I got really fed up with comments "like they're taking their pound of flesh" or "you'll do all this work and they'll just get rid of you when they want" when I was working a for major company with a totally different work set up. I left him in the end. My aspiration to do better was just not understood.

SlashBeef · 02/09/2022 20:04

Honestly I'd be ending the relationship, particularly if you've already had to pull him up on it before. It sounds really controlling and worrying.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 02/09/2022 20:04

Tell him that every time he texts you you’ll add 10 minutes to the time you get home.

seriously through. This is not normal behaviour. If he can’t stop when you have specifically told him to then he’s a pretty shitty person.

FayeGovan · 02/09/2022 20:04

Hes got a guilty conscience hasnt he? Hes put it about before and now suspects the op is doing it to him. Classic arsehole behaviour.

Octomore · 02/09/2022 20:04

What does he say/do when you're out of the house for non-work reasons. E.g. meeting friends, shopping... does he time you then too? Do you have strict deadlines for getting home?