DP asking the same question every day. AIBU to ignore him?

[BabyBear101]

I've posted on here before about part one of this issue so some people might recognise it.

Basically, DP used to give me a hard time whenever I got home late from work. I finish at 4pm and live about 15 minutes from work. He used to get the hump and quiz me whenever I was home later than 4.20pm. He has the sort of job when he can down tools bang on finishing time and if a job isn't done then it's "someone else's problem". My job isn't like that. If I don't finish a task then it's still waiting for me the next morning. Plus I like to have a gossip with my colleagues sometimes after work 🤷‍♀️ anyway after months of this, I explained all this to him and he reluctantly agreed to cut it out.

A few months on though I noticed he would text me near the end of my working day saying "are you going to be home sharp today?" I didn't think much of it at the time but then he started sending it earlier and earlier until one day he sent it at 10am! I snapped. He huffed. Stopped for 2 weeks. Now doing it again.

I'm now ignoring him when he texts. I can tell it's annoying him because he sent the same message "will you be home sharp today?" twice in the space of an hour.

AIBU? I'm a grown woman and can plan my work day however I please.

I'd not come home at all.

Only to pack my bags and find a rental. Then sell the house and start again.

I agree his behavior sounds maniacal. However, so what if he or anyone else for that matter doesn't want to work over either for free or paid? He's unambitious, again, so what?

He sounds mentally unwell. What do you find attractive about him?

I was visualising him as a labrador puppy!

He sounds mentally unwell. What do you find attractive about him? because you couldn’t possibly be attracted to anyone with any sort of mental health problem???? How horrible.

This type of mental illness is the type that causes someone's partner to suffer (a lot) more than them.

It is a type of abuse.

It's also often very much grounded in values about relationships and about the opposite sex, rather than mental illness as such.

Perhaps you should concern yourself more with op's mental health and quality of life huh.

She's not the one acting unreasonably.

However, so what if he or anyone else for that matter doesn't want to work over either for free or paid? He's unambitious, again, so what?

The 'what' is that he is jealous that the OP has a managerial promotion. And he stamps his foot wanting her home now!

He waits for her to come home as he's bored.
He texts her during her meetings when he's at home, as he's bored and possessive.

Have you read her posts @Kashmirsilver

@Kashmirsilver

lots of people find ambition to be an attractive trait

I agree his behaviour is odd. However, you went off on an unrelated tangent about not wanting to work over.
He works in a warehouse, highly unlikely to be the next Jeff Bezos.🤣

@Kashmirsilver

Nothing wrong with someone who wants to toddle along.

My DH has no real drive.

Never in a million years would he try to hold me back or scupper my career, or be jealous of my success.

And he certainly is waiting for me to come home either, nor hounding me with texts.

Sounds like his life is just work and you. He definitely needs to get out and find a few interests. He's behaving like a small child constantly asking when mummy will be home.

Dp's boss has retired, and she's been offered the role. An extra £20,000. She doesn't want it.
Shall I dump her for not being ambitious?

I think a lack of ambition or whatever has nothing to do with the op. He sounds like he has a deep-seated problem.

This, with bells on. He's dull, stupid, conservative and unambitious, which is not necessarily a crime in itself but he's obviously insecure about the fact that you are more committed to your job than he is.

He has a clock-watching attitude to work and clocks off the minute his shift ends. No-one with this attitude is going to get anywhere in life in the first place so he doesn't sound like a great catch but he obviously finds it threatening to be with a woman who doesn't see it in those black and white terms. And I assume he also feels undermined that you have good relationships with the people you work with.

I find it quite telling that he's actually more controlling about your whereabouts when you're working than he was in the past when you were on a night out. It makes me wonder if he disapproves of you working at all or being competent or ambitious in his work.

He sounds like a controlling oaf and I'd ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone this limited.

This.

He sounds so dull and thick.

Do you have weekends/days off together? Do you actually do anything together? Your life together sounds very insular and narrow ... do you honestly love each other and enjoy each other's company?

Did you meet very young and just stay together due to familiarity?

@Droo You don't need to read all the replies, you only need to read OP's replies, by clicking See all at the bottom of OP's opening post.

You've changed my life forever! Thank you!

As for the OP, I have read this thread and become even more sure that men need women far more than women need men. This one sounds insufferable and incredibly boring. This "he doesn't understand why I don't just down tools" - what is difficult to understand?? You are a manager. It's not hard to understand.

@Kashmirsilver

He’s unambitious, so what?

Well the point is:

a) the OP is ambitious (or at least more so than he is)
b) he is threatened by this
c) he seems to have an incredibly poor work ethic: it’s not that he’s not studying for an MBA in his spare time, he can’t even be arsed to finish the shifts he is paid to do properly. And he expects the OP to mirror this

Its just a shitty way to live expecting other people to pull your weight and then being affronted when your partner has a more mature attitude.

agree his behaviour is odd. However, you went off on an unrelated tangent about not wanting to work over. [overtime, I assume you mean?]

No @Kashmirsilver I didn't 'go off on a tangent' (maybe you have by mentioning Bezos though.)

I was able to read the OP's posts.
She said he had been asked at times to occasionally do some overtime for an hour or two, and he'd refused.

That is not a sackable offence but it's unlikely to endear him to his boss, he's turning down more money, and he's appearing workshy.

That is a universe away from comparing him to Bezos.

(As is your other comparison about your partner not wanting promotion and another £20K. Are you always so illogical in your thinking?)

Well unless contractually obliged no one has to work overtime.
Why are you mentioning logic when discussing an entirely subjective situation.
🤣

I would end up getting something like a hardback dictionary and dropping it on his head sharply. That's the image that your OP has conjured up for me. He sounds DS needy to the point of creepy.

In what world does working your hours make you workshy?! Honestly, this place sometimes. Plenty of people don't work overtime for various reasons. Some have other commitments. Some don't need the extra money. Some just want to go home. It has zero reflection on their character ffs.

Ah. I think I get it now. You were promoted and have a managerial position. He wants to make absolutely sure that you don't start thinking that your job is more important than he is.

That is why he is insisting you leave on time. He doesn't want you to put your job before him. That is also why he is waiting for you so he can pounce and demand your undivided attention the minute you get in.

Yes but this bloke can't seem grasp that his partner has a more senior role of the sort where you can't just clock in and clock out. And takes exception to the fact that she does. Presumably because he is threatened by her having more ambition than him and dislikes her having other commitments than him.

Fair enough if you're not ambitious but no one should squash ambition in a spouse or partner. The only reason for doing this is because you want to feel superior to them. It's not a good look.

"In what world does working your hours make you workshy?! Honestly, this place sometimes. Plenty of people don't work overtime for various reasons. Some have other commitments. Some don't need the extra money. Some just want to go home. It has zero reflection on their character ffs."

Thank you so much! I was totally depressed this morning reading that people think it's selfish to work your contracted hours!
This guy is totally unreasonable in the way he is with his wife, but his choice not to do overtime himself is perfectly valid.