DP asking the same question every day. AIBU to ignore him?

[BabyBear101]

I've posted on here before about part one of this issue so some people might recognise it.

Basically, DP used to give me a hard time whenever I got home late from work. I finish at 4pm and live about 15 minutes from work. He used to get the hump and quiz me whenever I was home later than 4.20pm. He has the sort of job when he can down tools bang on finishing time and if a job isn't done then it's "someone else's problem". My job isn't like that. If I don't finish a task then it's still waiting for me the next morning. Plus I like to have a gossip with my colleagues sometimes after work 🤷‍♀️ anyway after months of this, I explained all this to him and he reluctantly agreed to cut it out.

A few months on though I noticed he would text me near the end of my working day saying "are you going to be home sharp today?" I didn't think much of it at the time but then he started sending it earlier and earlier until one day he sent it at 10am! I snapped. He huffed. Stopped for 2 weeks. Now doing it again.

I'm now ignoring him when he texts. I can tell it's annoying him because he sent the same message "will you be home sharp today?" twice in the space of an hour.

AIBU? I'm a grown woman and can plan my work day however I please.

"anxiety" "needs to know you're safe" "location service on"

Sounds like suffocating control to me.

In all seriousness that sounds really tough for you. I'm glad your husband can reign it in from time to time when it gets too much for you.

I think you need to have a very honest and serious conversation with him about this. Be blunt. He's psychologically suffocating you. You can't continue in a relationship like this and he needs to be the one to change.

If you had children and routines and stuff that meant you were ballsing everything up of an evening for the rest of the family then I'd say you were being selfish hanging around late regularly to gossip and clear up stuff that could wait. But you don't. There's no reason to rush out of the door.

I wonder whether you subconsciously hang around later to make a point, or you don't particularly want to get home on time because of him?

I think he is bored and could do with a hobby, seems like you are his world and it's not healthy. He needs to have other stuff going on so you returning from work stops being the highlight of his day

Just tell him you'll be home when you're home.

Copy and paste every day.

Blimey, this would irritate the life out of me!
I'm undecided whether I think it's downright controlling behaviour, or whether it's due to the fact he sounds needy, lonely and unambitious (and potentially jealous of your success and position).

Also, the following you around and talking at you as soon as you get in, grinds my gears!

My husband goes to work around the time that I come home and if he has something he wants to say, he starts banging on straight away. My job is sometimes quite stressful and I need 5/10 minutes to just get in, take my shoes off, wash my hands and look at my phone (don't get a chance to at work) etc. JUST BLOODY LEAVE ME ALONE FOR FIVE MINUTES WILL YOU???!!!!

Anyway. You need to make it crystal clear to him. I'd be telling him that if he continues to constantly text while I'm at work then I'll be putting my phone in a drawer when I get there and won't be replying to him at all. His choice.

I’m not reading 10k replies but is he at home when he’s asking you when you’ll be home?

Could he be wanking to porn or getting up to something/camping/chatting and that’s why he needs to know the exact time you’ll be home?

Camming not camping (thanks autocorrect).

Oh God mine is the exact same. 9 times out of 10 when I walk through the door he is standing in the kitchen or hallway waiting for me. Then it will be yap yap constantly, even following me upstairs while I get changed! It's not even about anything important!

I just need 5 bloody minutes to switch from work mode to home mode.

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*Oh God mine is the exact same. 9 times out of 10 when I walk through the door he is standing in the kitchen or hallway waiting for me. Then it will be yap yap constantly, even following me upstairs while I get changed! It's not even about anything important!

I just need 5 bloody minutes to switch from work mode to home mode.*

Exactly!!!

I disagree with the ‘shouldn’t have to’ bit here. If someone is planning to have dinner ready at a certain time, then letting them know you’re being late is very much something you should do. It’s just basic respect.

Now if you’re a couple of minutes late of course that wouldn’t be reason to huff and puff. But if was working to get dinner on the table at 7.30 but my DP rocked up at 8.30 without texting I’d be pretty pissed off.

I don’t think that’s the case for the OP though - her partner is demanding answers incredibly early in the day, and I doubt they are having their dinner at 4.15 every day.

I think some posts have gone too far in the other direction of thinking a DP never has a legitimate right to know when to expect you home (they do, in my view, in situations where they are making dinner, looking after kids or otherwise planning something that depends on the time you get home). But OP’s partner has gone past any reasonable behaviour, obviously.

The asking questions of why you are 5 minutes late might have stopped but that behaviour has been replaced by the constant texts.

You will nip that behaviour in the bud and he will either go back to quizzing you on your lateness or find something else to monitor you with.

You might say that he has only started this behaviour in the last year with you but given your answer about his parents this is who he is.
It has always been there in the background. Your promotion has triggered something that has made it more noticeable.

A friend is married to someone like this.
Given your update and the similarities between your Dh and my friends Dh’s (even down to the pound of flesh remark. They are so similar that I immediately thought of my friend when I started to read it)

The only advice I have for you is RUN.

RUN NOW.

My friend is probably 30 years older than you.
She stayed
Her life is a gilded cage with a 24 hour prison guard and she is probably classed as an alcoholic as it is the only way to numb the boredom.

Your Dh won’t be happy till you have the exact life he does and that is his mission in life.

Is he doing the dinner?

What if you told him that you’ll ring him every day as you’ve left work?

@Kennykenkencat powerful post. And all too familiar. Agree with every word.

I think the fact that you start clock-watching from 3:45 with a feeling of trepidation says that this is now so deep-rooted that he’s achieved whatever aim he set out for, regardless of whether he stop or not. Because you will never quite believe he won’t start up again, in this manner or under slightly different circumstances.

But he shouldn't be asking her every day, with no particular reason.

Why should she have to answer every day, even if it's a copy and paste?

It's a type of harassment. It's hen pecking (at best), it's suffocating. I could go on

This.

You don't have kids yet.

It honestly sounds like you've outgrown him in the course of your relationship to date (from very young) and that's part of why he's so controlling, needy, and suffocating.

Does he track your phone?

he sounds a bit dense and his attitude to work and his lack of ambition would be a big turn off for me

He works backshift in a warehouse and he is asked occasionally to stay back an hour or two to finish things off but he never would.

So he's lazy and has a poor work ethic. And can't understand why some jobs require overtime or just more hours outside the contracted hours.

I wouldn't be suprised if he's made redundant one day with his attitude. Refusing to do more hours when asked? I bet his bosses LOVE him!

Apart from the fact you have been together 12 years, is there a reason to stay with him now?

My guess is you met as teenagers are very early 20s and have drifted along. No children yet, no marriage.

You can't imagine a life without him. Yet from all you have said, you are just co-habiting, living separate lives .

What keeps you there?
Habit?
Fear?
Great sex?

Be interesting to know if you met him now whether he'd be your type.

He sounds like an extremely needy, poorly adjusted person.

Even reading about someone like this can make your shoulders tense up, make you feel stress etc. So actually living it .....

It's not good for your mental or physical health, it's a type of abuse.

he does it about his mum so it isnt new at all-hes got serious issues

Oh God mine is the exact same. 9 times out of 10 when I walk through the door he is standing in the kitchen or hallway waiting for me. Then it will be yap yap constantly, even following me upstairs while I get changed! It's not even about anything important!

Is he a puppy?

I know this but thanks.

I just didn’t know if anyone else had asked the same question as I’m asking.

In this situation I'd start coming home really really late just to show him he can't control me with his stalking texts. But then I need my space and a DH like this would suffocate me.