DP asking the same question every day. AIBU to ignore him?

[BabyBear101]

I've posted on here before about part one of this issue so some people might recognise it.

Basically, DP used to give me a hard time whenever I got home late from work. I finish at 4pm and live about 15 minutes from work. He used to get the hump and quiz me whenever I was home later than 4.20pm. He has the sort of job when he can down tools bang on finishing time and if a job isn't done then it's "someone else's problem". My job isn't like that. If I don't finish a task then it's still waiting for me the next morning. Plus I like to have a gossip with my colleagues sometimes after work 🤷‍♀️ anyway after months of this, I explained all this to him and he reluctantly agreed to cut it out.

A few months on though I noticed he would text me near the end of my working day saying "are you going to be home sharp today?" I didn't think much of it at the time but then he started sending it earlier and earlier until one day he sent it at 10am! I snapped. He huffed. Stopped for 2 weeks. Now doing it again.

I'm now ignoring him when he texts. I can tell it's annoying him because he sent the same message "will you be home sharp today?" twice in the space of an hour.

AIBU? I'm a grown woman and can plan my work day however I please.

I did a 2 yr course with a woman married to a man like this.

She was his second wife (and he wasn't old).

I was vaguely aware of her leaving the classrooms etc on a regular basis to make or the phone calls.

Then when we had to do a project together, I noticed her phone beeping and making alert noises constantly. She got up with the phone mid working on the project and said I better phone my h, he won't stop until I message or phone him back, I'll phone him. The alerts had been coming in every whuppabout and the phone ringing repeatedly. She'd go out, on a break specifically to phone him mid class. Couldn't even wait til out tea or lunch breaks.Other class mates raised eye brows bit sad nothing.

I immediately twigged what kind of person he was and what kind of relationship she was in. She'd married him relatively quickly after a long going nowhere relationship with an older man. She's probably still with him. Or maybe he drove her insane enough eventually for her to leave him.

People who need regular/constant "reassurance" from a partner that they remember them, that they are together etc etc are not mentally well adjusted.

He is not mentally well adjusted. Sadly I've never seen types like this change. This is an "anxious attachment style" taken to the extreme. Behind it is also a deeply weird desire to control and "own" their partner. A fundamental lack of ability to see them as a free human being.

They just find people who'll put up with it. Some find it flattering and feel secure because of it ... But should they really; because it's not unique to them, they'd be like that in any relationship, with any partner..

*deeply wired desire

He works backshift in a warehouse and he is asked occasionally to stay back an hour or two to finish things off but he never would.

I think I would be tempted to test his motives a little by saying I'm expecting to finish at 4pm sharp, then I am going to chat to work friends for 5-15 minutes, because I enjoy chatting to them after work. If its any longer I will text.

I'd also stop replying in work time and make it clear you're too busy, so he'll need to wait until you're lunch / home.

Their mind map.seens to be caught in a perpetual pattern of "I've got a partner, they're with me, they're mine, I'll just affirm that" ..... An hour or two later "I've got a partner, they're with me, they're mine, I'll just reaffirm that" on and on and nauseum.

A constant "need" to repeatedly affirm their relationship bond/or more cynically, their "ownership".

This isn't necessary when a well adjusted person is in a relationship.

@BabyBear101
Have you straight up told him this isnt normal and you can't take it anymore?

What do you do outside work on your own op?

Do you do any hobbies separately?

Any socialising separately?

I can't imagine him being much different about those, if he's like this about entirely "necessary" time without him.

I tend to do things, gym.etc of an evening while he's out at work. We do socialise separately but it's been few and far between due to covid, friends having busy lives.

I am concerned that he was also like this about his mum too. Is it simply that he can’t comprehend that women’s time does not belong to him?

Good call. Maybe something in that.

I told him to cut it out because it was bugging me and I couldn't possibly know what my day is going to entail by 10 in the morning. He huffed and said "am I not allowed to ask a question then?" but did stop for a couple of weeks. Now it's started again.

So he wants to control all of your time essentially.

He can't stop you from working without looking like a total mad man , and he probably needs your income for your household too, but outside of the necessary evil of "letting" you go to work (which he can't even do with nagging, querying and hassling about your finish time), he objects to you doing pretty much anything separately, not spending time with him.

I actually think he just sounds insecure, if he's not stopping you doing anything it's not that controlling imo.

Maybe sit down and ask him why he does it/if he's worried about the relationship, if so - why? Reassure him you like him but explain it's not normal behaviour.

I had this in a past relationship - rather than getting annoyed at him I spoke to him about it, he confessed that his ex had cheated on him and he was just a bit paranoid after that. Once I reassured him, the behaviour stopped completely.

friends having busy lives

You too could have a busy and interesting life without the ball and chain you're shackled to.

So you get to the gym but that's when he's at work himself.

What is he like when you v occasionally socialise on your own?

Does he seek regular contact, query the "finish" time etc then too?

I am concerned that he was also like this about his mum too. Is it simply that he can’t comprehend that women’s time does not belong to him?

My thoughts exactly.
Or he's monumentally stupid and can't understand why someone might not be able to walk away at a set time everyday.

I actually think he just sounds insecure

Fine line between insecure and controlling.

In fact insecure is often used a nice substitute/cover for controlling.

Once I reassured him, the behaviour stopped completely.

But op has already said she's asked him to stop and he's returned to the behaviour after stopping temporarily.

Also if he had been cheated on and was acting like this because of that, would t op know already. (Not that it would be an excuse, the person should get themselves counselling in that case, not expect to control and harass another totally uninvolved partner because of it).

Does he seek regular contact, query the "finish" time etc then too?

She has answered this. Yes.

And that says everything about the type of selfish grifting person he is, so why would you want to be with him when he clearly doesn't have good morals or is a nice person?

He's got "issues".

Doubt he'll change.

Where did I say that I wanted him sacked.

You cannot believe nowadays that any job you get at 16 you could stay in till you retire.

Companies close down, departments get culled, computers are brought in to replace humans, sections of companies are transferred abroad where Labour is cheaper. There are 1001 reasons why this guy could end up unemployed.

Wtf.

You answer to your parents when you're a child.

After that, noone.

Hi neediness/controlling behaviour is just so unsexy that I would leave him even if he looked like George Clooney. I promise you that your life can be so much more fun than it is now, but things wont improve while you're stuck with him.

I used to really piss him off in my younger days when I was on a night out. He would text and ask when I'm coming home. I would say just finishing this drink and hopping in a taxi... then it would be another drink, then another... then an hour later I would still not be home 🙈

Since then he's stopped asking and I've stopped offering a time!

My dh gets like this when his anxiety levels are high as he needs to “know” I’m safe. I realise that it’s his ‘anxiety’ and tend to ignore it but I do tell him if I’m going to be later than expected.
we also have the same conversations about working above hours (I don’t do it regularly and he gets paid every minute above his hours and I don’t) where I explain sometimes things happen. He then only moans if it’s continued.
I also remember when my DH was off for a prolonged period and he was just lonely as I was at work and he wasn’t- he’d even follow me to the loo and have a conversation! I tried getting him to have hobbies outside the house but for us “home” is his safe place and he doesn’t like leaving it - thankfully he’s now found YouTube videos so spends his time watching those and that keeps him happy 😊 you are right to keep challenging him so he realises that this isn’t ‘normal’ behaviour and encourage him to seek advice to find the root cause of this. (For us, it was a traumatic event)
When it gets bad, I tell him ‘he’s not a policeman’ and he realised he’s overstepped. I also have my location services on for him to know where I am as this eases his anxiety and I don’t get the ‘where are you’ calls and texts - I live a boring life so it’s either work or ASDA 😂
no - I don’t think you need to split up you just need to manage it so you don’t feel ‘guilty’ or ‘resentful’.

God, my DP tries this too. Has a conversation from the other side of the bathroom door or I'm going for a pee or having a bath. Drives me crazy!