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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP asking the same question every day. AIBU to ignore him?

418 replies

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 19:39

I've posted on here before about part one of this issue so some people might recognise it.

Basically, DP used to give me a hard time whenever I got home late from work. I finish at 4pm and live about 15 minutes from work. He used to get the hump and quiz me whenever I was home later than 4.20pm. He has the sort of job when he can down tools bang on finishing time and if a job isn't done then it's "someone else's problem". My job isn't like that. If I don't finish a task then it's still waiting for me the next morning. Plus I like to have a gossip with my colleagues sometimes after work 🤷‍♀️ anyway after months of this, I explained all this to him and he reluctantly agreed to cut it out.

A few months on though I noticed he would text me near the end of my working day saying "are you going to be home sharp today?" I didn't think much of it at the time but then he started sending it earlier and earlier until one day he sent it at 10am! I snapped. He huffed. Stopped for 2 weeks. Now doing it again.

I'm now ignoring him when he texts. I can tell it's annoying him because he sent the same message "will you be home sharp today?" twice in the space of an hour.

AIBU? I'm a grown woman and can plan my work day however I please.

OP posts:
LethalCocktailOfMindBendingDrugs · 03/09/2022 08:48

FictionalCharacter · 03/09/2022 01:30

“I am the "breadwinner" and he has already admitted he's intimidated by my job.”
That’s a really unhealthy attitude for him to have. I do wonder if he’s a bit resentful of you having the kind of job you do because it makes him feel less important in your life. Not only do you bring in more money and have more responsibility than he does, you spend more time at work than you need to (in his eyes) - so you’re giving your work attention that he’d like you to be giving him instead. Hence the following you around talking. It’s like “you’ve spent all that unnecessary time at work, now give me some attention!”
So not necessarily controlling, but maybe needy because he resents you not having a job more like his.

I agree that him having an issue with her job fits in more with the timeline OP described.

giveovernate · 03/09/2022 08:53

Do you honestly always go straight home from work, never pop to a shop, grab a coffee, drink after work?

Would he object to the above?

When you say you're late because you were chatting with a colleague is this ok? Is it just if you're working it's an issue?

brookstar · 03/09/2022 08:54

He's telling you he doesn't respect you or your job. Listen and act accordingly.

54isanopendoor · 03/09/2022 08:56

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 02/09/2022 20:15

Get away from him, that is creepy and deranged. Is there anyway to tattoo a red flag on his forehead to warn other women before you leave?

that made me chuckle !

OP, is it possible that because your parents were this way too you've been conditioned to it? I say this as I was also with a man like this. We are divorcing now. It got (much) worse when children came along. Whether it's 'neediness' or 'control' it will be quite deep seated & need time patience maybe counselling to see which of those it is / if it is 'fixable'. Is he really 'worth it', in other areas ??

Idontgiveashitanymore · 03/09/2022 08:57

Tell him straight that it is controlling and disrespectful and that it needs to stop!
I wouldn’t stand for it. He’d be gone or I would!

54isanopendoor · 03/09/2022 08:57

the bit that 'made me chuckle' was the red flag tattoo (thinking how much time it would save the rest of us if each woman left each hopeless case with a tattoo)
NOT the situation itself ..

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 09:11

BabyBear101 · 02/09/2022 20:18

What pp's are saying about him being all "oh they're taking advantage of you" "getting their pound of flesh" etc etc rings true - that's how he frames it. He's been in this "leave bang on x time" job for over 10yrs too and would never ever volunteer to do any overtime ever, so it's not the norm for him.

would never ever volunteer to do any overtime ever, so it's not the norm for him.

Regardless of your excuse that you don't want to throw away a 12 year relationship (I advise you to remember the 'sunken cost fallacy' argument there), he does not sound like a nice, giving man, he sounds incredibly selfish. I don't know what you're attracted to him for. He is not a team player and is selfish, leaving everyone else to do his job, he would never put himself out for anyone, he is controlling, and he disregards your needs by texting you when you're in meetings.

He sounds like garbage to me, surely you can do better than this selfish, disrespectful controlling idiot. Is his dick gold-plated, or something? If not, leave him. He does not sound like at essence a decent, compassionate person. Raise your standards. I wouldn't want to be with someone as selfish and disrespectful and controlling as him, he really is not a nice person at all. Aim better. Aim higher. You wasted 12 years with this pos, don't waste any more.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/09/2022 09:19

"No job is for life and I would worry that with the attitude he has towards work he will at some stage find himself unemployed and won’t be eager to get his CV together and be proactive in finding another job because he isn’t being paid for the work."

What? You think he should be sacked because he finishes work on time?
It sounds like he does shift work rather than a job like OP's. He probably has to leave when the day shift arrives.

I couldn't bear to live with someone like this, but there's nothing wrong with him working his proper hours!

AhNowTed · 03/09/2022 09:19

He's an insecure bore, who doesn't want you getting above your station.

So he's not very subtlety undermining your job.

He's also one of those guys who will never get on themselves, because his clock-watching attitude of not giving an extra minute more than he's paid stinks. No one promotes someone like that.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/09/2022 09:21

"He is not a team player and is selfish, leaving everyone else to do his job,"

You get this just from the fact that he doesn't do overtime? He seems to be a night worker so probably shifts and overtime would be paid so not something he would be doing to help out. In jobs like these, it's the ones who want extra money who do overtime, not the 'nice' people.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 09:23

Gwenhwyfar · 03/09/2022 09:21

"He is not a team player and is selfish, leaving everyone else to do his job,"

You get this just from the fact that he doesn't do overtime? He seems to be a night worker so probably shifts and overtime would be paid so not something he would be doing to help out. In jobs like these, it's the ones who want extra money who do overtime, not the 'nice' people.

OP said that he wouldn't ever even offer to do overtime. I think that says everything. And sometimes it might be just to help a colleague or something, not always for money. His own mother's a nurse as the OP said and he still doesn't get it. The point is, someone with this selfish character trait is not an attractive person in my eyes.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 09:25

AhNowTed · 03/09/2022 09:19

He's an insecure bore, who doesn't want you getting above your station.

So he's not very subtlety undermining your job.

He's also one of those guys who will never get on themselves, because his clock-watching attitude of not giving an extra minute more than he's paid stinks. No one promotes someone like that.

I agree with all of that. Clock watchers in addition to being selfish have no drive or ambition.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/09/2022 09:28

"Clock watchers in addition to being selfish have no drive or ambition."

Or maybe they're in jobs where there are no opportunities for progression?

Gwenhwyfar · 03/09/2022 09:29

"And sometimes it might be just to help a colleague or something, not always for money."

It depends on the job. OP hasn't told us exactly what he does, but it doesn't sound like he does office work as he works nights.

CatsandFish · 03/09/2022 09:30

Gwenhwyfar · 03/09/2022 09:28

"Clock watchers in addition to being selfish have no drive or ambition."

Or maybe they're in jobs where there are no opportunities for progression?

And they choose to be, because it suits them.

CrystalCoco · 03/09/2022 09:30

Can you just ask him to stop the texts, tell him you're a manger now and there's no way of knowing if you'll get away on time or not.

My DH does something similar on the one evening I work late seemly because he wants to know what time to have dinner ready - if I'm even two minutes late then he's huffing and puffing - with my job I can't just guarantee to walk away on the dot, especially if I get caught up chit chatting with a client, it'd be rude to tell them I can't spare a minute.

On the odd occasion I get significantly held back I do send him a text to say 'got held up, heading home now' and that seems to appease him - I know that I shouldn't have to and neither should you but maybe it'd help?

thefoggiest · 03/09/2022 09:32

Sorry to say this but I actually think he sounds like he has something wrong with him.

The world is full of controlling men but this sounds like something different. The same question every day but also "hello gorgeous" sent every hour. I dont know, something here sounds wrong, like he is losing his mind or something.

LemonDrop22 · 03/09/2022 09:33

Is he controlling in other ways? I wouldn't say so but he is needy. If I say oh I have a big meeting today between 9 and 2 for example he will still text constantly throughout the day. Will text when I'm on training courses. Sometimes just the same message "hi gorgeous" every hour if I don't reply. He doesn't stop me going out but it's 1001 questions where am I going who's going what time are you home and texts throughout.

I don't mean this in a horrible way but I almost laughed out loud at this.

He's not controlling but he's needy ... Followed by loads of examples of "neediness" that are clearly a form of control, or totally underpinned by a desire to control.

He's extremely controlling ... He's just trying other ways of doing it other than trying to outright stop you from doing things; which would be a very obvious thing that could quickly cause the end of the relationship, and he knows it.

Do you socialise in your own ever?

What's he like about that?

Bretonbear · 03/09/2022 09:33

Just tell him to stop.

You sound as if you are in control at work. Be in control at home too. Just tell him it is not acceptable.

AhNowTed · 03/09/2022 09:33

thefoggiest · 03/09/2022 09:32

Sorry to say this but I actually think he sounds like he has something wrong with him.

The world is full of controlling men but this sounds like something different. The same question every day but also "hello gorgeous" sent every hour. I dont know, something here sounds wrong, like he is losing his mind or something.

Or he needs to just get a fucking life.

LemonDrop22 · 03/09/2022 09:40

Just tell him to stop.

Just telling me like this (or should I say people like this, because you get women like this occasionally too) does not work.

Ever.

When someone is wired like this, there is virtually no chance of them changing.

Their relationships go like this;

A. Find a partner who puts up with it , permanently.

B. Find a series of partners who put up with it for as long as it takes them to process it and leave

C. End up single

They'll usually not end up single because there are always single people wanting relationships, and it takes time for people to process this and leave (meanwhile they're invested), if they do leave.

Personally I'd categorise his behaviour as a type of mental torture, it is actually abuse. The person doing it doesn't intend to abuse, but does so nonetheless (in common with a lot of abuse).

LemonDrop22 · 03/09/2022 09:41

*men like this

Charbead49 · 03/09/2022 09:44

Bring your kid to work day maybe? Just so he can understand

Brefugee · 03/09/2022 09:49

he's mithering over 5 minutes? Get out while you can. Don't have children with him

Fraaahnces · 03/09/2022 09:51

If he can’t bring himself to work past the tick of the clock, I’m guessing he doesn’t understand that you actually get a lot of satisfaction from your career development. If he does, he’s threatened by it. (I would be surprised if he has had promotions in the time you’ve been together if he has this attitude, and also surprised if he was interested.) Perhaps he sees your promotion as a sign that you a growing away from him. He may be right. I am concerned that he was also like this about his mum too. Is it simply that he can’t comprehend that women’s time does not belong to him?