DP asking the same question every day. AIBU to ignore him?

[BabyBear101]

I've posted on here before about part one of this issue so some people might recognise it.

Basically, DP used to give me a hard time whenever I got home late from work. I finish at 4pm and live about 15 minutes from work. He used to get the hump and quiz me whenever I was home later than 4.20pm. He has the sort of job when he can down tools bang on finishing time and if a job isn't done then it's "someone else's problem". My job isn't like that. If I don't finish a task then it's still waiting for me the next morning. Plus I like to have a gossip with my colleagues sometimes after work 🤷‍♀️ anyway after months of this, I explained all this to him and he reluctantly agreed to cut it out.

A few months on though I noticed he would text me near the end of my working day saying "are you going to be home sharp today?" I didn't think much of it at the time but then he started sending it earlier and earlier until one day he sent it at 10am! I snapped. He huffed. Stopped for 2 weeks. Now doing it again.

I'm now ignoring him when he texts. I can tell it's annoying him because he sent the same message "will you be home sharp today?" twice in the space of an hour.

AIBU? I'm a grown woman and can plan my work day however I please.

Posted too soon, it's a normal thing to do to me. We exchange a few messages a day, usually practical messages about our children or food etc but I will ask what time you home. I must be a monster!

I can never understand what's wrong with LTB. If somebody isn't right for you, why would you stay with them? There is absolutely no moral advantage in being a martyr.

You've not read the whole thread, have you?

Another thing to try is to give him a job every time he texts….
-Are you going to be home sharpish?
-Don’t know. But I’ll definitely be back by 5pm. Can you peel some potatoes for tea?
-So what time will you be back?
-Don’t know. Can you hoover the lounge if you’re not busy?

Might put him off, and if not hopefully you’ll come home to find all the jobs done! Also reset his expectations that you will be home by 5pm (unless other plans) not 4.20pm. So you are only ‘late’ if it’s after 5pm.

Morning all, thank you for your messages! Definitely food for thought.

Just to reiterate he doesn't quiz me any more when I get home late. Like I said in my OP, he stopped that when I had a go at him.

It's just the daily "Will you be home sharp today?" messages that I have a gripe with. I used to answer "don't know", but now I completely ignore them (until yesterday when he asked twice in an hour).

Even though I don't get quizzed anymore, it's like what a pp said, it's that expectation that I should be home when I said I would. I found myself watching the clock at my 3.45pm meeting yesterday and feeling a bit uneasy. I guess kind of like reverse psychology.

I think it’s normal to ask/say what time you’ll be home if it tends to vary. Or the person might be going somewhere else before going home (drink, shops, gym etc).

Not so much if you’re checking whether someone will be in at 4.30 rather than 4.15 because they had a chat with a colleague on the way out, or stayed to finish an email. Which isn’t something you could even predict at 10am!

Interesting that you asked about his parents. His mum is a nurse and he has said the same about her before when she's running late.

I've heard him say to his dad "she [mum] finishes at 2, how come she didn't get home till after 4?". His dad looked incredulous.

I'd reply every time, 'no idea, you know how my job is'.

Until eventually I'd snap and send 'No idea, but I'm a grown woman and I don't need help getting home. Thanks.'

I found myself watching the clock at my 3.45pm meeting yesterday and feeling a bit uneasy.

So your working life is being impacted. Your social life is being impacted. All because of this man. Is it all actually worth having him around I wonder.

Does he work out of the house? It partly sounds like a misunderstanding about the world of work.

Phoning you when you had a big meeting is very annoying. My manager's husband phones her every Monday during our team meeting. And she always answers!!

A friend of mine was married to a man who was like this. He wasn't directly controlling, but he effectively controlled everything she did by constantly texting her whenever she wasn't home. She caved into it all, and by the end, she was pretty much housebound, then piled on weight, making her even more housebound, and this is a friend who loves the outdoors and adventures. You are right that you need to nip it in the bud. In fact, I would purposely make plans to go for a coffee with work colleagues, or go to the gym or something after work, a couple of nights a week, to make it quite clear that your life is your own. Arrange to do something with friends or family at the weekend as well - you need to keep doing this until he realises that you are not responsible for his social life, boredom levels etc. And strongly encourage him to take up a hobby, so you both have something that you do away from each other.

I've had to do this myself recently, because I enjoy walking and the cinema, DH would prefer to stay at home. For years, I would cajole him into coming with me, but I've realised he's much happier just staying at home, and I can go to the cinema with friends or on my own, and I've joined a walking group for the walking. Your partner needs to have a similar change of his state of mind.

thats more than an annoying question - to me that sounds controlling and paranoid.

Is he generally a very insular homebody type of person?

Maybe you should get him to address what’s truly bothering him because if he’s u happy, anxious, bored etc he cannot project it onto you being the remedy IMO.

Why don't you ask him why?
Some posters have alluded to differing views on work. I've always worked to rule, overtime only if begged, forced. I've had my own business since 2006, I have very clear boundaries between business and my personal life. Work is only a vehicle to earn an income, nothing more nothing less. If a particular set of works is going to be intrusive I formulate a strategy so this isn't too for too long.

As for DP, we rarely communicate during the day, she has a long commute on office days, so we might talk in the morning. On the return journey, she just sends a text telling me she's set off (The commute can be up to 180 mins traffic-dependent). Then she'll arrive home when she gets home. There are no conversations.
We both like to end the day, with food, and a catch-up.

We do both discuss if any particular time periods are going to be extended or intrusive work-wise. Socializing, we both give estimates I think that's normal and respectful, nothing wrong with I'll be home soon like an hr or so notice.

It IS controlling - it is impacting on your life - if you are looking at the clock at 3.45 in the afternoon and feeling uneasy. That is just awful and sad.

Even putting up with his views on when you should finish work must be hard, it’s your job - and as a manager you might have to stay much longer sometimes and maybe career progression will mean more flexibility is needed as time goes on. What will he do then? Keep texting you more,? Put pressure on you the leave your job? Not take promotions?

The texting during the day asking you when you are finishing is also controlling.

How can you hope to 'nip this in the bud'? In a way it's not the actual behaviours so much which should cause you to question staying in the relationship (annoying and needy/controlling as they are), it's the underlying attitudes which cause the behaviours.

The fact that he needs to know where you are and who you're with at all times, is intimidated by your job and promotion, and is too ignorant to understand that not all jobs work like his are all red flags imo.

Maybe read the whole thread @Hurrrrah You are having a complete empathy-pass. Missed the point and tone completely.

This is not about practical stuff like childcare.

The OP has no kids.

Mobiles are both a blessing and a curse. Back in the days before mobile phones, people went off to work and had no communication all day till they got home. Barring emergencies, when of course it would be acceptable to ring the other’s workplace.

Meanwhile, OP - as a manager, working longer than your contracted hours is par for the course, as is the need to be able to concentrate on your work responsibilities without constantly being interrupted by texts. He needs to understand this and stop fighting it. This is the job you have chosen and are doing well in.

If it is indeed boredom causing him to text you, how about a conversation in which you tell him it’s not possible to predict what time you will be leaving because you never know what’s going to come up. So instead of him texting every day to ask you, you come to an agreement that if you’re not able to leave by (say) 4.30, that you text him and say “running late”, and then when you’re ready to leave, “on my way.”

That way, he will know that you will be home by 4.45, unless you have texted him. And the days when you walk through the door at 4.20 will be a nice surprise!

Sorry, meant to add - his response to the suggestion of don’t-text-me-I’ll-text-you should make it clear whether he’s able to accept you having the kind of job and prospects you’ve chosen - or whether he is always going to resent it.

That would make me massively suspicious.

The people I know who suddenly got like that with their partners - suspicious and controlling - have all been because they’ve been up to no good themselves.

You don’t suddenly get like that from nowhere, something sparks it.

He's a man-child.

I can't understand how this is the first time in your 12 year relationship that he's behaved like this. Not on the same issue, but in terms of being needy, controlling, unable to be by himself.

It's perfectly clear that he resents your new management role.
He wants all your attention and clearly feels inferior now that you are the breadwinner.

He's insecure.

I asked what he did- you've not replied. I think it's factory work or a night security guard.

He lacks complete understanding of why many jobs do not end when the clock says whatever time.

Either he's thick and can't understand why you can't just leave on the dot, or he is so uneducated that he has no concept of other employment where clock-watching isn't what people do.

You seem fundementally incompatible.

I don't know how you tolerated his intruding into your working day when you were at home without seriously losing your shit with him.

Do you ever get angry and push back? REALLY push back and raise your voice?

He's a man-child.

I can't understand how this is the first time in your 12 year relationship that he's behaved like this. Not on the same issue, but in terms of being needy, controlling, unable to be by himself.

It's perfectly clear that he resents your new management role.
He wants all your attention and clearly feels inferior now that you are the breadwinner.

He's insecure.

I asked what he did- you've not replied. I think it's factory work or a night security guard.

He lacks complete understanding of why many jobs do not end when the clock says whatever time.

Either he's thick and can't understand why you can't just leave on the dot, or he is so uneducated that he has no concept of other employment where clock-watching isn't what people do.

You seem fundementally incompatible.

I don't know how you tolerated his intruding into your working day when you were at home without seriously losing your shit with him.

Do you ever get angry and push back? REALLY push back and raise your voice?

WTF? Why are my posts loading twice?

I think your world has already narrowed much more than you think it has, OP.

When I remember back to before children me and then-DP would have a very vibrant active social life, both separately and together. Out of work I'd commonly see friends, go shopping, have a class one day a week, go to the gym, he was in a band... We might compare notes at the weekend saying are you in any nights this week? Tuesday we are both going to X, then we're both out most nights, Thurs might be a late one at work, fancy a takeaway Friday? Where were you this morning by the way? Oh I went for a run, you were still asleep.

I can't fathom finishing at 4 (FOUR!! so early!!) then just going home!! Every day! To be talked at by a shift worker who does nothing himself but work. What the hell do you do from 4-11pm??

He has you in a sort of noose of restriction and boredom and you can't even see it.

This feels like evolving abuse and control but you seem sure you can change him and that you aren’t bothered by it.

Im not so sure so please take care and be aware of other behaviours that contribute to making you feel watched and anxious.