To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

Now everyone who disagrees must be an older mum😂oh dear.

But people aren’t disagreeing with me, they’re arguing with themselves. my AIBU wasn’t ‘AIBU to think people shouldn’t have kids after 30’ or ‘AIBU not to want to help my cousins if their parents pass on’. Its a question of whether my aunts’ pressure on me over the years is fair.

Not a single posters - not one - has said ‘I would’ve done exactly what your aunts have done, pushed a relationship with your cousin so she has you as a kind of sibling should I die, and I don’t think she was wrong to do that so YABU’

so basically my question remains unanswered. Do you think the pressure that has been on me since I was 13 is ok?

OP: AIBU to think all dogs are shit?
MN: YANBU, my dog is great, as are most dogs I see in the park
OP: oh my GOD, I'm talking about the massive dog who jumped on my baby in my own garden then did a huge pee on the rose bush I planted over my Mum's ashes and then ate the last Magnum out my my son's HANDS, you people must all be dog breeders or something jeez.

Another work of fiction. My OP clearly stated:

This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

Yer I wish my parents who married young and had me and my brother by 23 had realised they would both be dead by the time I was 29 and my brother 26... and my uncle who died at 30 when he had a 2 year old.... selfish bastards!
They should have thought ahead.

"But they didn’t have ‘kids’ that’s my point. They had one child. Hence no siblings in later life, and a presumption I will step into this role."

Holy crap! so you had your children to look after you... that's cold.

A sad story but irrelevant to my AIBU question.

In your OP you say that health problems in one of the parents has prompted this sudden ‘panic‘ in sorting out their kids futures. Now you’re saying that it’s been an ongoing theme since you were a child. So not a sudden panic?

It’s always been a worry for them (see my previous posts). But now I feel they think this moment when I will be ‘their only family’ is nigh.

Do these two family members not know each other? The one with the 15yo and the ones with the 17yo?

It’s always been a worry for them (see my previous posts). But it’s definitely turned up a notch. I know my cousin was very worried about anything happening to them during covid.

No, different sides of the family.

To be fair my single aunt isn’t as bad, I suspect she fires off the texts when she’s had a few glasses of wine and is having a meltdown about the future (she’s got lots of MH issues). But they can be a bit dark/disturbing.

The couple are much more consistent in their pursuit of me having this particular relationship with my cousin that they want me to have. And roped my grandparents in to help persuade
me that it’s my moral duty to be a stand in sibling.

And I will repeat, as I’ve said before, I have further relatives who became mums in their 40s who do not do this, just get on with parenting and I can honestly say I didn’t even think about their ages until this thread prompted me to. My family has quite a long tradition of late motherhood (one of my great grandmas had her last at 44 and another one 45!)

If you have these other relatives who have become parents in their 40s, then so do your cousins. I still have not figured out how YOU and YOU ALONE are the "only" relative they will have (from both sides of your family). So I guess the father in the couple is a sad only child orphan? (probably his parents had him in their 40s or 50s).

But it’s not a sudden panic? It’s an extension of the behavior they’ve been exhibiting since you were a child. Your story does seem to have changed.

You were asked previously about what would happen to your children if they were left with no one and you just kept talking about pensions and money. It’s only in more recent posts you mentioned your arrangement with your sisters. Again, I think you’re making things up to suit your narrative.

You don’t have to look after anyone’s else’s children, you’re not responsible or obligated. They shouldn’t try to feel that way but I do think you have some opinions on older parents and parents who choose to have one child that are judgemental that you’re now trying to cover up.

I’m not making anything up. It’s very difficult to paint a full picture, with forensic detail and context, on a thread. I’m sure you know this - I was trying to paint the bones of the situation as if I explained everything it would go on for pages and pages.

As I said not a single poster has justified my aunt’s actions towards me. They’ve just banged on about me looking down on older mums which is ridiculous. I knew this would happen, hence the caveat in my OP - I knew anything ‘older
mum’ related brings out the wrath on here, but trusted people would read the OP before foaming at the mouth over opinions I don’t even hold.

You do realise I have 2 sides to my family? Don’t you? And one isn’t related to the other?

The father in the couple’s parents have long passed and he has no siblings. I think he has distant relatives but he isn’t from the U.K. so they don’t have much of a relationship with them.

I’m struggling to see the problem. Older parents of teenagers asks you to invite them over for Xmas or keep an eye on them if they die? Not sure of the issue. Chances of said older child / young adult wanting to be looked after like that = close to nil. It is such a non issue.

No. Older parents pressure 13 year old niece to spend inordinate amounts of time with her much much younger cousin because ‘you might be all she has one day’, spends years sending pestering guilt tripping-texts if we didn’t see her for a couple of months, and made it clear they didn’t ever think we were doing enough for their child because we were the closest thing she had to siblings. Culminating in aunt shouting at 17 year old sis at a family gathering that she was ‘selfish’ not to want to go over and see her cousin more, sis then cutting her off, so I became the main focus.

How many times must I repeat myself?

Why didn’t you put this in your OP along with their latest request. It’s short and would have summed up the situation better. The story does seem to have been changed and added to.

I really should’ve @MissingNashville

I was trying to nutshell it as accurately as I could because I find if you write very long OPs people don’t really read them to the end, and switch off.

The story hasn’t changed at all. More detail has been added where I’ve been asked to add it, like I said if I had included EVERYTHING it would be pages and pages long.

You still here, OP? I've eaten my chocolate now 😂😂

The amount of time you've spent arguing on here, you could have driven to your relatives, spent some quality time with them and been back home. Tsk tsk.

(For the avoidance of doubt, I am joking!)

Not everyone has a choice! I'm 34 and single, I would love to have kids but couldn't do it alone- I either have them late or not at all.

No, the pressure your aunt has put on you to be a guardian in the case of her untimely death, is not okay but maybe you should just tell her that.

😂 I know, hope you enjoyed your choc

Ive got awful pregnancy sickness so in my defence not much to do bar lie on the sofa sipping flat lemonade and scrolling MN!