To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

You should never have mentioned age in your post because that's all people will read and get mortally offended over. Would have been better to say something like -

"Are my relatives CFs to assume I will take over the welfare of their children if something should happen to them in the future?"

The answer would be yes. It is their responsibility to ensure their children will be taken care of, but they can't just pass that on to whoever they feel like. You see it all the time on MN, women having children then getting into a flap because grandma won't give up her part-time job or holidays to do permanent childcare. Your children are your responsibility.

Yanbu in your circumstances but you need to draw better boundaries with your family to stop them pressuring you all the time

Lucky for you that life turned out as you planned it. Some of us wanted children when a lot younger but only now having them due to infertility.

I hope you aren't expecting your children to look after you if your condition worsens?

Of course they are your responsibility but if you’re dead you can’t do much about that - hence surely part of responsible parenting is sorting out guardians etc (& the financial arrangements that go with that) just in case the worst happens. This isn’t the same as expecting grandma to do childcare at all.

Why mention it if irrelevant?

I didn't say it was the same. I'm saying there are people who think as soon as they have children they are entitled to other people's time. If you don't plan these things before birth you need to sort them out after, but you can't ever assume someone else will do it. No one asked the OP if she will become the significant adult in these children's lives. They're just assuming she will.

God knows, wish I hadn’t 😂 it’s become the main focus of the thread, ‘proving’ I’m not well enough to be having a baby to refute a point I haven’t even made 😂

Someone else lacking in reading comprehension skills…

I think it's selfish for them to expect you to mop up after them. And you can say NO!

However, I really don't think it's for you to keep tabs on their unprotected sex lives..or how many children they decide to have. Bit weird, tbh.

I am in absolute awe of anyone who was financially, socially and emotionally ready to have children before the age of 30. I expect a large amount of it comes down to luck…

Nope, not luck. Just being savvy. I had multiple children by early 20s. I worked my arse off, was independent, and loved being a mum!

We all mature at different rates, just because you weren't ready, doesn't mean you need to project that shit on everyone else..

YANBU @Wouldloveanother. I'm with @LicoricePizza

Your OP clearly states that you are talking about your specific situation.

Apparently these days on MN any post about a family situation requires a big glittery ticker statement that you fully support the right of all people to do all things and then a reminder every ten posts that you are talking about one specific dysfunctional family situation. You should also have zero expectation that people will try to think outside their own situation instead of projecting their own circumstances.

Here though the issue is less about the age they chose to have children than having children on the assumption that some random relative will do a chunk of your parenting for you.

Everyone should have a plan for their children if the worst happens, for most of us that will involve family but not all families are like that. Its completely unreasonable to lay that expectation on another person unless they actively want to take that role.

I'm bemused by posters who think that we all have obligations to drive cross country to seem someone solely because we share some genetic makeup and posters who apparently think lesbians didn't have children by donor as recently as the 80s and 90s.

Right, I mean 30? It doesn't take til the age of 30 to get a job/career. Many people are married in their mid-late 20s. Don't know what socially ready even means. People project so much here. Not even before 25, it's before 30 now😂

Not everyone wants to be that age to start a family, not everyone's life is ruined by having a family. People do things at different times in their life.

I'm 34 and an only child and I don't feel the need to have a sibling to get me through anything that will eventually happen to my parents. (Some people might but don't assume you NEED a sibling)

My brother is in his late 50s and had never asked anyone to be on standby to take in his 2 teenagers should anything happen to him.

Anyone can get a serious health scare at any age, it isn't typical in your 50s.

I agree people who manipulate nature to have babies in their 60s are selfish. There is a high possibility they will become ill or even die before their child is independent.

Have you asked someone to be legal guardians to your kids? Maybe that person feels you shouldn’t have had children and put them in the position, knowing of your health condition 🥴

Have you read my posts? Do you actually know what I’m objecting to?

I did, and the hypocrisy pervades throughout.

you keep saying that your complaint is very specific, for your heading is very general.

I hope you’re not expecting your children to become your carers, btw.

Well that proves you haven’t because I’ve said repeatedly why my children won’t be my carers.

And unless I’m harassing my niece to spend an inordinate amount of time with my kid ‘in case I pop my clogs and you’re all she has’, I’m not a hypocrite am I?

Long thread, so let me make sure I’ve got the basics right.

You have a chronic painful health condition that means you won’t be able to have relatives round at Christmas but doesn’t affect your ability to parent your own kids, or to adopt your sisters kids if it came to it. Nor does this painful condition prevent you skiing, but it is bad enough to potentially need care later in life.

You’ll be the only family these teens have, yet you have a sister, and youre worried you’ll be expected to look after them even though they are just one and three years respectively away from being adults, and there’s no reason to expel the parents to die in that time frame.

Is this about right? Cos if so, YABVU.

No. You got it wrong. Try again.

It’s more that there’s an expectation that if they end up lone adults, I will invite them to every Christmas, regularly keep in touch, birthdays etc.as well as ‘being there for them’ as their main family member.

Fk, I think Scrooge had more warmth, kindness and generosity (even before his epiphany).

Fuck me, one bad title and a resulting onslaught.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Asking someone if they’d be willing to have your children in the event of your passing and accepting a no (which is perfectly acceptable answer!), is different to assuming they’ll acquiesce and attempting to pressure them into it.

it’s also foolish of them. Instead of trying to twist your arm they could be refocusing and looking for alternative arrangements.

What goes around comes around. One day you will be old and those you supported may be there for you.

Lol, based on what she’s said I imagine she’d rather they weren’t.

Well it's good to see that the usual suspects have piled on to be offensive without actually bothering to read what the OP has posted, including the very first line of her opening post! Some people really do enjoy putting the boot in.
I could understand a bit of the hostility if OP had said she didn't even want to send a card occasionally but it's not about that, it's about relatives expecting OP to be able to pick up all the pieces and be effectively a full-time parent if they died and putting emotional blackmail on her. Totally different. The odd Christmas invite and some phone calls is a world apart from these expectations of every Christmas and very regular meet-ups. And they're expectations without them having actually had the decency to check with OP first if it's something she'd even consider. FFS.
You can make contingency plans but what you don't do is make assumptions about other people. It's not that difficult to understand (except apparently on Mumsnet)