To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

I'm not sure why they asked you to be a guardian for their kids, since by saying you'll see them occasionally, you obviously don't give much of a shit

I feel for you because you’re being guilt tripped into being their guardian & emotionally blackmailed. That’s not fair. As another poster has said, you aren’t responsible for them or for their parents’ choices in life. Do you have anyone on your side? Just know you have to do what’s right for you, your own kids & own family first & you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for doing that.

@LicoricePizza well after the incident at the family gathering my sisters won’t speak to them anymore. I didn’t want to punish my cousin for her mum’s actions so I sort of soldiered on. My dad has blown up about it a few times (he doesn’t get along with his sister partly for this reason), but it’s hard. All along, all I’ve wanted is a normal cousin relationship without the emotional blackmail and unrealistic expectations of how much time I can spend with her etc. It’s caused so many problems in my family because my aunt and uncle really are hell bent that we are, for all intents and purposes, surrogate siblings and should behave accordingly. And my grandparents seemed to take this view as well. The sad thing is had it never been mentioned and something had tragically happened to my aunt and uncle, I probably would’ve been jolted into doing something for my cousin. But it’s been such a bone of contention for so many years, I’m just sick of it now.

OP, is it really such a burden to write a birthday card now and then? To invite them to or attend their weddings? Just how many times in life do these things happen?
In any case, tell your relatives to make other arrangements. Be clear you are unwilling to take any part in their lives

Read my posts

Yes, read the posts @GingerScallop didnt you see she is also expected to VISIT them at Christmas??? That happens EVERY year. How can they expect so much of this poor woman.

Do you visit all your cousins, every Christmas Day?

In fact I have one pretty stark memory of a Christmas, it was I think 2012? When there was all the flooding. It took me ages to get to their house on Christmas morning, when I eventually arrived after what felt like driving through a lake, I was told off for being late. To spend Christmas with them I passed up on spending it with another relative who then sadly died, so maybe that’s why I feel bitter about it.

Actually I DO visit my cousins every Christmas which is why I can not wrap my mind around why it is such a difficult thing for you to do. Some families actually LIKE each other.

Because it’s a 4 hour round drive and I have my own small child? Why should I always cater to the whims of others because fAmIlY InNiT?

I don’t believe you spend every Christmas Day with all your cousins, on both sides of your family. I mean it’s basically not possible 🤷🏼‍♀️

You can choose not to believe it if you want. You dont know how many cousins I have. So saying it's impossible is bold of you. Secondly, I never said "on both sides". I only grew up with my father. I dont know my mother's family, so the cousins are all on one side. Our family has always gathered for Christmas. LIke I said, we like each other. Since your cousins parents are not dead yet, and probably wont be until they are adults, why not just invite the 2 to YOUR house for Christmas. That takes care of your traveling and the "two different sides of the family" I still think you should introduce the 2, they could become pseudo siblings and you'll be free.

will actually agree with OP. I love my mum and dad but I'm 24 and they are both in there late 60s it means they don't babysit my children as they are too tiered. This doesn't make me sad as an I want baby sitter sad. This makes me sad as a my children won't get that period of their life with their grandparents. Also as a teenager I was able to lie and sneak around as my world was so different from my parents (they didn't understand the internet) I was also embarrassed as a 13 year old the children would ask why my Nan would pick me up from school. I'm not saying this is universal but people slate young parents but I absolutely hated that my parents were older. I love my parents completely but I would be lying if their age didn't significantly impact my life.

Well that’s such a different set of
circumstances to mine that it’s irrelevant.

Saying this though me and my children dad aren't together and they will probably growing up wishing we were so I'm not saying I'm perfect t and old parents are wrong. But I think although a hypocritical one in their case. People should realise the impacts on having a child in their 40s because you would be living with a young adult in their 60s maybe grandchildren in your 70s. But life isn't garentueed

perhaps, but you were the one that asked. You have TWO cousins (more likely 1 since they probably wont both lose their parents at the same time) to see for Christmas. You dont want to travel, fair enough, why cant they come visit you? I'm also still amazed at the odds that both your parents have siblings who are so crazy they both torment their niece forcing her to be a "sibling" to their child. Bad luck for you to have two parents with crazy siblings/parents

Op, I remember my mother saying something similar once.

She has three kids, two in her twenties, one mid-thirties, and spent lots of time and energy bringing us up. As an older lady, she has her kids and grand-kids around her.

Her siblings made different choices, and in the end that has affected the kind of support they have wanted/needed from the extended family. One of her brothers is severely disabled and that was always in the cards, but I know that at times my mum has felt her other siblings didn't want the faff of kids and settling down until much later or at all, but expect that she, as the settled one, will give a lot of support. Which often she is happy to do but sometimes she feels a little put upon.

I do think a lot of people don't think, before they have kids, what might happen if they die when the kids are younger. It's not always older parents, with small families a lot of people don't have close relatives these days, especially of the right age.

Not that I think this should stop people from having kids but it is something to think about. Just because someone is a relative doesn't mean they will be able to step up in the way you might want them too.

OP, I don’t even think this is necessarily about these aunts being older parents (by choice or otherwise). Nor about late-ish motherhood having been a lifestyle choice for them.

It’s the presumption. Anyone who presumes that you will take on a burden that haven’t ever intimated you will take on is out of order.

Obviously there are presumptions between spouses which have to be made for life to go on. But on MN even presumptions between adult children and their parents are considered out of order (see the billion threads about grandparents having to “earn” the right to care in old age by providing childcare to grandchildren 🙄). Presumptions between aunts/nieces are even more preposterous.

This is all about your grandparents’ and aunts’ neuroses and worries. These are theirs. Not yours. You must always do the right thing by your conscience but that needn’t be indulging other people’s stresses. Be straight with these people so they can make other plans. If ww3 breaks out - well, that’s on them.

This has morphed from the OP being a surrogate parent to the OP being a surrogate sibling.

OP you haven’t engaged with the posters questioning whether the cousins even feel this way themselves, and the very likely scenario that they will have their own lives as adults.

Your grandparents (the irony that aged grandparents are still on the scene) and aunts sound batshit. So batshit they would probably act like this in any event. You also sound batshit though. Your level of obsession with an imagined future scenario isn’t healthy.

I'm so confused.

I was in my twenties when I had my kids, and also thought about what would happen to them if I was no longer around.

Isn't that a normal thing to do, regardless of age?

It's not always a choice. I wanted children in my mid twenties, only had my miracle baby at 41 (after many losses and many years of fertility treatments). I exercise every day and eat very healthy. I don't drink or smoke or even drink coffee. My lifestyle is a lot healthier than most people that have kids younger. I do this on purpose to be there for my child as long as possible.

Please don't have anymore children with your mind set. If you already begrudge a potential lonely person a potential christmas meal in future (great christmas spirit there) then we really don't need those genes in the gene pool. (Shit comment to read, right? Now think about yours)

Everyone with children should have a will and appoint guardians for their kids regardless of age. They are not being unreasonable to ask but equally you can say no.

Op 4 miscarriages and 1st DC arrived after we had given up age 39 second quickly followed at 41.

Neither planned on the pill but after years of trying much loved.

Not all of us get a choice

I am 53 and childless not through choice. I can assure you that nobody in my family knows I had fertility problems and neither will any friends. They will think I chose to enjoy travel and a nice life. Do you see where I am coming from? And no woman chooses to wait until she is forty before trying for children, it is not exactly a secret that it gets harder. But for some that is the reality.