To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

People die at all ages. I've got my children's lives sorted, my parents and my brother will step up in our absence. Best sort it out before everyone's left in a pickle. If you can't handle it, then decline, that's okay!

Thank you @theknave
Thats exactly what I mean

I’ve got a reciprocal agreement with my sister about our kids. It would be a huge commitment but I would be happy to do it as we’ve made financial arrangements (would need bigger house etc), and I know she would do the same for my children. So it all feels very fair and respectful.

Whereas obviously there’s no chance of reciprocation with the aunts, and it does feel a bit like they’re just ‘dumping’ their worries on me and expecting me to pick up after the fact they feel guilty about their child not having a sibling or younger parents (their words, not mine, before anyone starts).

There’s really no reason why they couldn’t have had children a little bit earlier to alleviate their concerns but they wanted to have their cake and eat it and emotionally blackmail me into taking on the worries that come with that.

So if in the future you, DH and one of your kids die on a random car accident (it happens) will your now lone orphaned child be able to look to these people to care about them?

Let's hope they are nicer than you, eh? (Wouldn't be hard).

There's only 10 years between the age they had a kid and you are having your second, there's really no guarantee that they will die earlier in their childs life than you will.

The OP's poor orphaned child would go to her sister, like they discussed and agreed on.

There’s really no reason why they couldn’t have had children a little bit earlier to alleviate their concerns

If you think having a child at 30 rather than 40 means you don't need to consider what happens to your kid if you die then you are delusional as well as unpleasant.

Yabu. Everyone should have a will which states what happens to their children should they be orphaned - it’s totally normal (and indeed sensible) whatever age you are. Anyone will a with like this will have asked someone at some point.

if you can’t do it just say no - no emotional blackmail.

Unless they don't get on with the sister, or she gets cancer or she's already died or moved to Australia yadda yadda, yadda. You can't plan for everything.

OP is repeatedly claiming that if they had had their child at 30 there would be no worry but at 40 it's terrible and irresponsible as if 10 years makes some huge difference to their chance of leaving an orphan. It's bullshit.

YABU
if you have a child in your 40's and the average age of death is approx 80 and most people are fit and well until early 70's then your child will be well over 30 when you die,

it is a completely different question about men fathering children in their 70's I do not agree with menopausal and post menopausal women being given IVF however much they pay

my father was 42 when he married and 44 when i was born and 55 when my youngest sister was born she was 42 when he died aged 98 after 2 years ill health on the other hand some die before 60 but mostly we don't know and can't predict. Should Sarah Beeny not have had children because of knowing cancer ran in her side of the family? it is really none of our business how people start their families and when,

The relatives haven't planned for anything though. They've not discussed it with anyone. We're not talking about young children anyway. It's adult children they are talking about. They want the OP to invite these people for Christmas because they won't have anyone else. They've just realised that their children as young adults won't have any other family in the world and so they're wanting the OP to be that for them. The OP has her own family and her own shit going on. She doesn't need to be befriending cousins now because her family says she must.

The OPs point about them having children at 30 instead of 40 is nothing to do with them dying sooner. It's that if they'd started earlier they could have had more than one child and then the children would have each other for the rest of their lives. But as it stands, there is just one child and that child will have no close family after their parents die. Hence them now trying to push a close relationship on the OP.

But that’s what they think, not me. It’s them endlessly going on about being older parents and how they wish they’d done in ten years earlier. It’s nothing to me, but they could’ve done that to alleviate their own worries. Or what they see as problems.

You can’t plan for everything, no. What you can do though is make your contingency plans with people willing to take on responsibility for your children, rather than focusing on trying to force unwilling people into it.

The relatives haven't planned for anything though. They've not discussed it with anyone. We're not talking about young children anyway. It's adult children they are talking about. They want the OP to invite these people for Christmas because they won't have anyone else.

No normal person plans ahead for who will have their adult child to Christmas if they die sooner than expected. I'm sorry, that is a ridiculous stick to beat them with.

They are hoping the OP will act like family if the worst happens to them. The OP doesn't have to, it's not obligatory. It could equally (despite the OPs 'cunning plan' of having her child 10 years earlier) be the OP or her children who are unexpectedly alone one day.

I'm sure the adult kids will be fine with their own DPs/families/friends and in any case, and they will certainly be better off without the OP as she sounds thoroughly unpleasant.

@Danceswithkids you don’t understand what they’re asking of me. It’s not to be a name on a form ‘just in case’. It’s to act like a surrogate sibling in every sense of the word - the way they saw it, at 14 or so I should’ve been taking long bus journeys to go and see my 3 year old cousin on a regular basis, preferably for the whole weekend, should’ve been there every birthday and Christmas, and been available whenever summoned. All this ‘because you’re the closest thing she has to a sibling, and you might be all she has one day’.

I don’t know any young teen who spends this amount of time with a cousin so much younger, it was a wholly unreasonable expectation.

But that’s what they think, not me.

You've said it dozens of times on this thread including the title, but now loads of people have called you out on it it's suddenly not what you think. Sure.

Did you bother to read any of the OP's posts? She said all that. That the relatives said they wish they'd had children earlier. The relatives say they are worried about their children having no one in life. The relatives want the OP to get to know them now so she can host them later.

You don’t believe they said that, even given their actions? They’ve said it to me multiple times - they wish they’d been younger and had more kids.

And in your OP it was something that had 'suddenly' started recently, but now it's been going on for 15 years.

When did I say it had started recently? Do quote me.

No, you said 'not me' when you clearly believe it. (And smugly congratulated yourself in not doing the same).

You can read that fiction into what I said if you want, I can’t stop you.

"Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them."

Well they are. It’s always been an obsession worry of theirs, but now the health problems and ageing have hit, it’s like they’ve realised the time has come or something.

What’s happened here I think is a lot of older mums have read my OP and read their own situation into my aunt’s, so will basically defend them to the hilt regardless of what they do, to justify their own decisions in life. I’m glad to see some rational posters have turned up and are seeing the events in isolation and how unreasonable my family has been.