To feel confused at teachers response?

[olimin]

Hi all, first time posting. Thought I'd get a bit more perspective from other parents.

DC started reception today. It's day two And the kids are going in for half days the next week to get settled in.

DC's never attended nursery. He's also late summer born so is a lot younger than most of the kids in his class.

Feedback I've gotten for the past couple days from teachers has been that he's struggling to follow instructions, is persistent in doing his own thing and playing despite being told to join the rest of the class, repeatedly trying to leave the classroom and rarely responding to his name being called.

The teacher even insinuated that he might have special needs (which I know for certain he does not). The only positive she's mentioned is that he seems to be very bright.

I thought that reception was about getting kids to learn to follow rules and get used to school structure and routine.

Did any of your kids go through something like this? Should I be worried? He always responds to his name at home and with persistent instructions does what he's told. To me he seems stubborn and strong willed. Don't know what to do.

My experience (having a summer boy) is that is used as an excuse. "He's a summer boy-he'll grow out of it" I heard many times. I saw children who were not summer boys but with similar behaviour being diagnosed and helped and thriving because of that. Ds was diagnosed aged 13yo having been put off with "summer boys need time to catch up" since reception.

This absolutely - though with DS it was more academic area he struggled with and we put in a lot of home support and behavior settled down quickly.

Regarding pre-school nursery - according to our parents this wasn't a thing and reception was for settling down getting ready for school - generation below us pretty much all go to pre-school/nursery from term after 3. There's been a shift.

I'd have happily kept my summer borns home till reception but it was becoming very apparently they were oldest by quiet some way at groups - and given our circumstances best way to get the peer interaction and make sure they were not disadvantaged was pre-school/nursery. As pfb was oldest GC we did get a bit of flack from our parents about it as 3 was way to young even for mornings only in their views.

Of course children didn’t go to nursery as much in previous decades ( although personally I did in 1950’s). That was partly because there were more SAHM so children could be looked after at home.

However, children were still expected to be socialised by the time they started school. My mother was an ‘ infant school ‘ teacher ( as it used to be described) and she definitely expected children to be able to sit still, to respond to questions and orders, to know their names and answer to them. They were also expected to be able to feed themselves at lunchtime, and to dress themselves or at least try to. The parents, the family, neighbours, etc helped the children to be able to do these things. Not being able to do them was seen as a bit of a shortfall. The children themselves wanted to do them, because they wanted to be grown up.

I saw one of the apologists for the OPs child is intending to send her child to school in nappies. Presumably the child is not sick or disabled, just not toilet trained. Blimey…..that’s nice for all the other children.

I had similar experience. My DS did go to nursery 2 days a week as I wanted him more prepared to start reception as the youngest in the year. He didn't come when name was called and struggled with everything in fact. The teacher thought he might be SEN and this was looked into. He didn't was just not ready for school.

I always remember someone I know wanting to send their child to a strict school because they'll teach him how to behave.

No, that's your job as a parent.

I'm a teacher and parent. At the end of the day, in a classroom environment you see the child for an extended period of time in the context of other children of the same age. If the teacher has noticed your LO is struggling with instructions etc she is not doing this to upset you personally, she is simply communicating a trend in behaviour she has noticed.

As a teacher it's so frustrating when parents get their backs up like this because on the occasion where children do need further intervention it makes it really difficult. Maybe he does just need time to settle in or maybe there are issues that aren't obvious to you as you don't see him in a classroom environment. I'd also question why you are so confident he does not have any issues when you aren't qualified to do so.

Try and work together with the school if they come back with anything else (hopefully they won't) and it will make everybody's lives easier.

If it's any consolation, I went to a kindergarten as a 4 year old. I didn't just try to leave the premises, I actually left. I just walked out! I walked home crossing at least one street. They must have telephoned to tell my mother I was missing because she was walking up our street to meet me! I have two university degrees in hard disciplines and a professional career. Our children don't start school till they are five.

Within 2 weeks of my daughter starting in the school setting they flagged concerns. I hadn’t had any at home. She now has an autism diagnosis and I suspect she’s also adhd though that’s becoming more obvious as she’s getting older. It wasn’t something I was concerned about before school came into the picture. She was no different to her older sibling. I’d just play it by ear and see what this half term brings. Good luck xx

This is why school is so traumatizing for little kids. He's only just 4 and suddenly have to follow all these rules he didn't know about before.

Don't send your kid to nursery, be prepared for them to be behind. The nursery kids will know how to play in groups, basic reading and writing, following instructions. Kids who've sat at home, no matter how 'enriching' their iPad games are, will still think they're the centre of the universe and won't know how to act as part of a group.

He'll probably catch up, but if they're already complaining by day 2 it suggests he's being an above average nuisance.

Is he well behaved at home? Does he understand discipline and consequences?

It's shocking what Reception teachers see nowadays. Not only children sent in nappies, but unable to use cutlery, put on coats and shoes, speak properly, respond to their names and some cannot even converse - they have only ever had basic instructions barked at them and never been talked to in a question/answer format or a natural conversation. They eat with their hands. Some have never held a pencil or crayon and cannot even make marks, let alone write their name.

For people who are too feckless and lazy to raise kids properly it's a tragedy. But those who actually decide their kids 'aren't ready' and let them maul food and poo on the floor at 4 years old, avoid sending them to nursery because God forbid someone fills in the gaps, that's worse. Who would actually want their kid to be so behind they can't hold a crayon while the others write their name, who smear with their hands while the others use cutlery?

There is nothing wrong in not going to nursery, and your son's behaviour is absolutely normal for such a child. I would say it was unprofessional for the teacher to make you worry after a couple of days, it is their job to make sure that your child gets used to the environment and settles well.

@olimin I was a summer born baby and one of the youngest in my year at school. I never struggled academically (always on par or above the eldest girl in the class who was almost an entire year older than me), never struggled socially, and never struggled with following instructions (I did struggle to sit still in early years).

However, I went to the school nursery just after my 3rd birthday (September-July like the rest of the school so some dc were nearly 4 whereas I had only just turned 3). I think Nursery helped build essential skills for Reception. Your ds wouldn’t be struggling as much had he been in nursery.

@olimin also, even though your ds didn’t go to Nursery, you should still toilet train him, use cutlery, zip up his coat, and write his name. I’m not sure if he can do these, but many parents fail to teach their dc the basics.

Can you not spot a ‘bright’ child quite quickly from their conversation, vocabulary, questions they ask, how they problem solve, complete puzzles etc?

Hey,

Took a while to get through all the replies.

Thank you to those that replied with understanding and shared their stories, it put me at ease. As to those demanding I explain why I didn't send him to nursery, I simply chose not to. It's as simple as that. It's not compulsory and I didn't need to send him. I did lots with him to make up for it.

As for an update, within 2 days he was settled in and following instructions. I spoke to him extensively and he managed to get the hang of how school worked and expectations. I did speak to him before he'd started school, but he got distracted with all the new things around him and was over excited.

The teachers said she's very happy with how he is now and doesn't have any concerns. He's following instructions, answering to his name and staying in the classroom joining in with his class mates.

Within 2 days.

I have not read all the posts but have read all of yours, OP.

In case it hasn’t been mentioned already: summer born children, especially boys, are more likely to be flagged as SEN. That is obviously down to the system, not the children. See this, for instance:

www.lse.ac.uk/News/Latest-news-from-LSE/2021/f-June-21/Summer-born-children-unfairly-labelled-as-having-special-educational-needs

If he is younger, and has not been to nursery either, these two factors could make his behaviour stand out from that of other children, but would not necessarily be indicative of true SEN at this stage.

I am familiar with educational systems in a couple of other countries where children are not expected to do these things yet anyway; we start them young in this country, and some children, more often those who are summer born and more often boys, need more time to settle into things but then actually thrive.

Needless to say, if it turns out there are some SEN, there is no shame in that and getting the right support earlier on can be a huge positive.

You may be aware your son isn’t legally required to be in school full time till the term after he turns five. If you feel things still aren’t settling down, you could choose to discuss his continuing with reduced hours (there are pros and cons to weigh up). Or, depending on your home setup and whether this is an option for you, you could look into whether he could start Reception next year instead. Usually this is agreed with the school in advance initial school applications but it may be possible.

@rubysparkles1 yes, he can do all of these things. Id be extremely worried if he didn't know how to and wouldn't be happy sending him to school.

It's great to hear he's settling well.
It seems the teacher jumped the gun a little with your Ds.

Well weren’t just a wonderful child! It’s amazing how you can remember and give such an account of your 3 year old self. I can’t remember but I’m pretty sure when I was 3 I sometimes struggled with instructions, enjoyed time in the sandpit and wasn’t worrying about whether or not I was progressing academically.

Your ds wouldn’t be struggling as much had he been in nursery. You may been the best 3 year old ever put on this planet but it’s a pity you didn’t grow into a kinder adult.

Delighted to read your update. People can be such judgemental pr**ks!

I’m glad to hear that he settled in, it must just have been a big shock to his getting “thrown in” and expecting to know all of the etiquette.

I do agree with others, nursery is now almost a prerequisite to teach kids how to handle a lot of the day to day experiences in school.

I sent my son to a school nursery and for the first few weeks he was a nightmare - he wet himself daily (fully trained at home for months), refused to eat (they specifically asked if he was able to use a knife and fork…) and basically not following instructions with any urgency.

Once he got used to the routine he was “a pleasure” according to the teachers, but I’m so glad we had this in the school nursery rather than reception when they had less time to deal with things.

I’m not surprised as a summer baby he took a bit of time to catch on especially not having been to nursery. You certainly did nothing wrong not sending him to nursery - why send him there if you wanted those times to yourself? But a year is a long time at 4 for a little man and takes some catching up. But doesn’t seem you have to worry if he behaves at home

Day 2 is pretty early to decide for certain about a child.. however, if every other student in the class is following instruction and doing as they're asked, then he will surly stand out. I guess they're asking if there is any SEN with him to see if it is something he is unable to do or whether he is just chosing not to follow, in which case, its behavioural and that would need addressing in a different manner.

It's great you have a proactive teacher who is communicating with you.
I actually hugely disagree! A child’s first two days in a classroom setting ever and she’s asking if a child has special needs because he’s trying to leave and not listening? I think that’s absurd!! After a few days or a week maybe but two is ridiculous. She sounds inexperienced and new to me!

Well, you chose not to send him to pre-school which is pretty much what you assumed reception would be. This was to your son's detriment. So I would say you've caused this situation. I hope your son catches up quick, for his and the teacher's sake.