To feel confused at teachers response?

[olimin]

Hi all, first time posting. Thought I'd get a bit more perspective from other parents.

DC started reception today. It's day two And the kids are going in for half days the next week to get settled in.

DC's never attended nursery. He's also late summer born so is a lot younger than most of the kids in his class.

Feedback I've gotten for the past couple days from teachers has been that he's struggling to follow instructions, is persistent in doing his own thing and playing despite being told to join the rest of the class, repeatedly trying to leave the classroom and rarely responding to his name being called.

The teacher even insinuated that he might have special needs (which I know for certain he does not). The only positive she's mentioned is that he seems to be very bright.

I thought that reception was about getting kids to learn to follow rules and get used to school structure and routine.

Did any of your kids go through something like this? Should I be worried? He always responds to his name at home and with persistent instructions does what he's told. To me he seems stubborn and strong willed. Don't know what to do.

I think teacher’s actions were not particularly professional and yes a summer born child who has not been in a Nursery environment will ‘struggle’ for a while but will settle down.
I would just like to comment on your comment .. that your child definitely does not have special needs.. As the mother of a child with SEN whose issues were identified by his reception class teacher (who was amazing)… many issues can’t be picked up until school and beyond so your comment shows a little naivety..It is impossible to say either way with a 4 year old..
Best of luck

This! I cant believe that has been said to you on his second day!

Very different situation so probably not helpful but I really don't like that the teacher is eager to claim special needs. I had a teacher that insisted that I was special needs and I internalized that for a very long time and started calling myself stupid and useless for years. I was not special needs. I had PTSD. (Father was abusive) so yes technically there was something wrong but my teacher just insisted that I was mentally retarded (her words. Sorry not trying to be hurtful)... adults need to be treading carefully with these types of suggestions. I passed the IQ test with flying colours. I was not unintelligent but I was very behind on emotional development because that tends to happen when you're violently beaten and screamed at on a regular basis.

He's one of the youngest in his class and you have chosen not to take up the free childcare and socialise him before he started - he is just behaving like a very young child with zero experience in a school type environment.
We had a boy like this in our children's school. His mother had also decided to keep him at home before school and he would push his way to the front of the lines and take toys away from other kids, he had the teachers spending extra time on him etc. He was just not used to rules and structure. Unfortunately, it was not good for his friendships as the other kids saw him as 'naughty' and avoided playing with him.
You might want to speak to the teacher about him going to half days until he gets used to the routine - I can imagine there are so many new ways of doing things for him its likely he will be exhausted.

No one is or was special needs, they have special needs. If you had PTSD that was affected your schooling you had a form of SEN. You can have a high IQ and have SEN.

I could have written this post!! We was told my boy had autism by his teacher and the SEN teacher when he was in reception, his referral was rejected saying that he didn’t meet criteria and that the school needed to add extra support in place to help him settle. Fast forward 2 years and they’ve said that he wouldn’t be referee now as his behaviour is different now. I think schools are that worried about missing a referral that they over refer.

Yep, that's been my experience too. One time I was called into school because my daughter had put a rope around another girls neck and it had left a mark. I had to speak to the other mother and apologise for my daughter's behaviour. But I don't think this was fair, as they should have been supervised while playing with ropes. They made a bit deal about her putting it around her neck, like they thought she mightve been trying to strangle her. But they were just playing dogs.

Another teacher reported me to social services because I had been seen "aggressively comforting" my 7 yo. It was freezing cold and I was just trying to keep her warm. The teacher said nothing to me, just got straight on the phone to children's services. Absolutely bonkers

The teacher even insinuated that he might have special needs (which I know for certain he does not).

No you don't. Nobody knows that for certain.

You definitely need to let the school know he hasn't been to nursery (out of curiosity, why not?). If all the kids in the class ignored instructions and tried to run off, can you imagine the chaos? I'd try to work WITH the school on how best to support him, rather than get defensive.

The teacher said nothing to me, just got straight on the phone to children's services. Absolutely bonkers

But... weren't they just following procedure? I've known primary schools fail Ofstsd because they've spoken to the family about concerns instead of / before reporting!

No one is or was special needs, they have special needs. If you had PTSD that was affected your schooling you had a form of SEN. You can have a high IQ and have SEN

Absolutely

I'm sorry OP but I really struggle to understand why you haven't taken your child to a pre-school/nursery/playgroup before starting school even just for the basic 15 hours? I really do think it's a bit much to expect a child who has never been in an early years setting to flourish straight away in Reception. I don't understand why you haven't better prepared them for this step.

Haven't trawled through all the replies, but it worries me that such a young child is being labelled - and that you're being made to feel that it's unusual. Just bear in mind, OP, that in most of Europe, kids don't start formal schooling till they are six or seven years old. For sure they go to kindergarten or nursery equivalent, but the reality is that at just four years old, he is very young indeed. Give it time and please don't worry too much. Years ago our son - he's a happy, well adjusted 36 year old now, in a profession he loves, with lots of friends and a sensitivity to the needs of other people that makes me proud of him - didn't go to nursery at all. We were both self employed and were lucky enough to have parents who enjoyed his company as well. He went to playgroup two days a week, the year before school, and he socialised with friends' children as well. I'm appalled at the demands made on our kids here in the UK and not at all surprised that so many of them have mental health problems later on. At just turned four, they should be learning through play, slowly learning how to socialise, doing it at their own pace and not being judged. I've younger friends now who have kept their late summer born kids back a year from starting school because they recognise that even if they are bright, socially they are simply not ready. Good for them. I doubt very much if your son has 'special needs'. He's just a wee boy, full of energy, and not ready to 'follow instructions'. If it helps, my DH, (37 years married) actually took a small wood axe to school in Liverpool, so that he could break out of the back door and go home to his mum - my wonderful mother-in-law. God knows what would have happened to him now - but back then, they just told him that he'd better not do it again and he didn't! Please don't worry too much.

I think schools are that worried about missing a referral that they over refer.

It’s possible, but I can’t blame them because the referral process is long and complicated. And in terms of ‘over-diagnosing’ I don’t think it’s fair to blame that on teachers. If they see behaviour that suggests a child has needs then of course they should voice that and, with parent’s input and cooperation of course, refer them for an assessment. It is then the role of a health professional to assess - teachers do not assess this, I don’t know why people keep suggesting that - and if the health professionals balls that up and misdiagnosis that’s not the teacher’s or SENCO’s fault, any more than the parents.
I feel like teachers can’t win here. When I was at school we had many children simply labelled as ‘naughty’ or ‘not so clever’ by school staff, and in hindsight, may just have had undiagnosed SEND. Nowadays, instead of saying ‘well that child is simply spoiled and badly behaved’ teachers instinctively think beyond that and are keen to make sure additional needs are spotted and supported. Surely that’s a good thing??

Personally I would take the fact that they are onto the idea of SEN as a good thing. So many parents have to fight for acknowledgement and support for their kids, if there is a problem identified with your child this early, that is brilliant.

I am not saying that he does. Just that it’s always worth exploring earlier rather than later. If there are no problems, it’s not like they would diagnose - the kids in the system with SEN already often don’t get the support they need so teachers already have a high caseload. So just be pleased your teacher has the mindset to look.

To be clear, the OP did not say that the teacher said he had SEN. Lots of people on this thread have stated this, when the OP did not say it. She said the teacher ‘insinuated that he might have SEN’. Based on that comment, there is absolutely no knowing what the teacher actually said. The teacher might have suggested nothing of the sort, simply that his behaviour was either unusual or had been something they noticed. None of us know what was said as all we have is what OP says she thinks was insinuated.

So all this talk of special needs could be entirely unwarranted and totally jumping the gun.

What was clearer were some of the behaviours the teacher referred to him displaying and the fact that OP considered them normal and not concerning.

So, I’d forget the SEN thing for now. I think it’s a red herring. What I would focus on is the fact that his behaviours aren’t quite what one would expect from a school starter. He won’t be the only one to behave differently to these expectations. The key is for OP to communicate and understand what the concerns are and to work with school to help him adapt. It might well be that all he needs is time to learn behaviours others have learned in nursery. If other concerns arise as time progresses, no doubt the teacher will raise them. It could be that she suspects them already (and experienced teachers often can spot likely signs pretty quickly) but for now, it’s really about home-school communication, so they can work together to help him understand things like the need to remain in the room.

Gosh is that what happens?
I was more shocked that she reported it at all!
Im glad that is the worst they have to concern them. Even the social worker who called about it was baffled.. aggressively comforting sounds like an oxymoron

Give it time. It’s early days. Teachers will quickly form opinions of children-it doesn’t take long if they’re experienced. Saying that, children change and as you said, your ds is young.

My eldest ds was the same when he started nursery, I argued with the teachers but it turned out they were right and he was autistic. They know what they are talking about - let them assess your son and see if their concerns are justified. If he hasn't been to nursery there may be developmental problems that have been missed.

Unfortunately your child has been extremely disadvantaged by not attending nursery or preschool. The early years framework starts within a nursery preschool setting. Things like group activities, listening, communicating is intrinsic

Gosh is that what happens?
I was more shocked that she reported it at all!
Im glad that is the worst they have to concern them. Even the social worker who called about it was baffled.. aggressively comforting sounds like an oxymoron

Yes, I'm also confused about the aggressively comforting bit. But in terms of being annoyed that they passed it further up the chain with a concern rather than speaking to the parents, I believe that is what they are supposed to do.

Which primary schools have been judged as inadequate by Ofsted because of that?

Please can you link to the reports.

Just on a side note, he’s possibly not younger than most! Definitely one of the younger ones. My daughter’s reception class was summer born heavy. A class of 31 and probably 10 were autumn born, a few spring and the majority summer. Mine are both the youngest in the classes but within days and weeks of others. Both have done very well though. One does have send but no learning disability and middle sets on school now, the other is top of the class ability wise. But they did do nursery. Their nursery teacher said that it was one of the hardest classes she had (my eldest’s class) due to the number of summer born kids. And the reception teacher left with stress by Xmas!!

Don’t rule out send but keep engaging with the teacher and take on board anything she suggests he might need to work on. Hearing could be an issue in a new mouser environment. The busyness could also be a huge distraction if he’s not used to having so many children around him.

Have a chat with him at home about expectations being in class and why he needs to follow instructions, stay in the room. Ask him about the other children and if there are any he might like to be friends with. Maybe instigate some play dates at the park with one or two other children via their parents/carers. I remember my daughter saw a girl in the park who was new to her reception class - most went to the same nursery and one or two joined in reception from private daycare settings. I went and introduced myself to the mum as DD pointed her out as the new girl in the class. A very quite little girl who was very shy. Nearly 10 years later and they’re still best friends and I meet mum regularly for coffee. Turns out both my dd and the friend are both autistic - possibly why the clicked with each other - but they were only diagnosed in the last couple of years.

I agree it's trickier for children like my 4 yo DD who are starting school having been kept out of nursery, but if my daughter doesn't settle ill take her out or see how the school feels about flexi-schooling.
I don't think you can say her son is severely disadvantaged in general because he hasn't gone to nursery. He might take a bit longer to settle in than nursery children but there are loads of plusses from skipping nursery. He would have had a lot more 1 on 1 and quality time with his family. OP has probably taken him to playgroups where mums stay while the toddlers play. There were group outings and loads of community events where I live.
I believe my kids have benefitted by not leaving me until aged 7 ish.
Although now my 4th is starting reception on Monday and still in nappies 😳 I'm starting to worry. Not that I would have put her in nursery anyway but... Yeah I'm not looking forward to it. Do the teachers expect you to walk away even if your child is crying ? No way ill be able to do that : /

The OP clarified the teacher had directly asked if her child had any SN