Parents cutting me out of will

[JoshuaTree36]

HI guys

I will try and keep this brief, as I know how what it is like trying to read a wall of text but facts will be accurate

I am one of two siblings, and me and my brother are both in our 30s now and both of us have a relationship with our parents

I have worked since I left school. (I do not expect any awards for this btw lol) but it is how I expected to be. I have an inherited health condition that has made this a real struggle at times (and I don't expect sympathy either) I am happy with my life, and am married. We brought our house through blood sweat and tears same as everyone else

My brother I love dearly btw, none of this is a jibe at him. Brother has rarely worked i.e worked for short periods in-between addiction and substance issues, is twice divorced and lives alone now in a council flat in a high rise. Again, I am not having a dig at my bro, just merely painting a picture of the situation. Bro is a good person and we get on well. My Brother would give me his last penny if i needed it

Last week, out of the blue, My Mum told me that they are planning to leave their house to my Brother, in their Will as it is 'ok for me, as I own a house'.

I was shocked at this as you can imagine, and Mum asked me how I would feel. I literally was on the backfoot and said 'You do whatever you think is right' and I stand by that, as I feel that I should not be pointing out to them what to do.

Maybe my face gave me away and Mum said 'oh i can tell you are not happy ' but I insisted, this is a surprise conversation, and they need to do what they think is right so she said this is what we have decided and that was that.

My main issue is, they are doing this on the basis that I own a house (with my Husband obviously) so they assume I will be set up forever.

However, as i mentioned before I have an inherited health condition where no one that I know of, in my family (who have inherited it) has been able to continue working past age 55 due the declining issues it causes. My Brother does not have this condition, which I am grateful for truly

Plus , just because me and my husband are happy now, we could split up in two years for example, and me end up out on my ear. or stuck with mortgage i cant afford to pay

I feel properly pee'd off about this. I will not be raising this with them, and I was sworn to secrecy so my Brother does not know what he apparently, has coming to him. To top it off, it is unlikely my Brother would want to live there, as they live in quite a remote location

How would you feel? AIBU?

OH that is gooood snigger
Actually put a smile on my face for the first time in days

I am definitely going to tell Brother, I have decided that. My Brother will 100% bring this up with parents, probably as soon as I have spoken to him

OH of course - I don't doubt it.

But it feels a bit of a very direct way to send a very obvious message when one child is favoured like this

I don't feel entitled at all. I would have no thoughts at all if they were to give it all to charity. It is the feeling of being 'lesser than' - that has literally just been smacked into my face.

Would I want them in my life if i met them socially?

Perhaps so - because they put on a very different front, outside of the family. a very very different front

Whatever you do, don't write that letter that a pp suggested. Your mother will show it to everyone and it will be deliberately misinterpreted and every word spun into the opposite of what you meant.

Conversations should be in person, with your words backed up by body language, tone of voice and facial expression, so they can't be misunderstood, and they disappear into the ether. Even if your mum tells people what you said, it's far less powerful than her showing people a piece of paper or an email with your name on the end

In the minority, but I think YAB extremely U.

Your parents are obviously very worried about your DB and you are clearly minimising his situation on here, in order to gain support from randoms.

Fact is any addiction is extremely harmful and unless he manages to get clean and stay clean for the rest of his life, his life expectancy is likely to be much shorter than yours as the majority of addicts will relapse at some point.

I don’t hold with fair treatment means equal shares.

I had a similar situation with a brother who has a disability and doesn’t work.

I was the one who advised my mum to set up a trust so that brother inherited everything as his needs were clearly greater. I even went with her to the solicitors to help her to arrange it.

I’ve worked since 16 and completed University as a p/t mature student whilst working, so I understand that life might not be easy for you but even if I was living on benefits in a dodgy flat, I wouldn’t ever think I was more entitled to parental support as an adult than a functioning substance abuse addict.

Classic narcissistic behaviour. My mum was like this, needing to get one over on me all the time. Just like yours. I agree, go NC , see what happens. If your parents don’t respond then you know .

Happened to my friend she and her sister got nothing druggie would be musician brother eventually inherited a large but very run down house which at 64 he can't afford to run and has trashed.

There's nothing you can do but live a good life

Where are his four children, OP? And do they have the same mother?

You know, this really would not surprise me at all - if I was put down as an executor.
OH god there is no way on earth I would accept that responsibility.

You know, this really would not surprise me at all - if I was put down as an executor
OH god there is no way on earth I would accept that responsibility.

I would speak to your parents now and explain that clearly they can do what they like with their will but that their choice would really upset you. I would also say that you won’t be executor.

Well that is another story - there are three Mums (and four children) - they all live with their Mummies. He does see them and makes effort on weekends etc

You brother lives alone now in a council flat in a high rise.

I agree that this could be narcissistic traits of your parents revealing themselves. Having a son living in such housing might not fit their image of themselves and their family.

Swearing you to secrecy isn't fair either. You didn't ask them to share this secret with you and its up to you whether you keep their secret or not. I wouldn't. It completely works against you, so why would you?

Again, the main reason for asking you to keep it secret may be narcissism on their part - if your DB in the future lives in a nicer house, they don't want people to know its because they gave him it, they want him to think that as a member of a successful family, he earned it.

As I say, none of this is to your benefit and keeping horrible little secrets isn't something you should feel obliged to get involved in. What silly games to be playing with their children at their age.

Ridiculous advice. I hope no-one would seriously consider doing this.

I'm at an age now where this is a regular issue with some friend's.

I would be mighty pissed off.

I'm not a home owner,my siblings are, my parents died last year, any assets will be split equally between 4 as they should be once the details are completed.

It's really unfair and creates a huge divide between siblings.

It happened in my father's family and caused great resentment towards my aunt who inherited everything.

Before you go charging in and ruining the r relationship with your parents and your brother, consider the following:

Their approach does not necessarily suggest an underlying agenda. As parents, we all want to see our children secure. They may think that as you are already secure (barring unforeseen circumstances) they want to ensure he is too. It may be a parents desire to ensure equal outcomes as far as possible.

The fact that your mother asked you how you feel about this suggests that they do care how you feel. You said you were fine with it, so they have no reason to suppose otherwise.

Disclosure: I have a DB who is single, is working but doesn’t earn very much. He had a very mild learning disability so he has manual low paid work but he functions fine and still lives with my DP. I expect that when they get older, he will end up
caring for them. I wouldn’t mind at all if they left him their house.

They should leave the house to you but with DB as Tennant. Housing benefit will pay you, as his landlord, a monthly sum of housing benefit paid rent. He lives rent free in a nice house, you get c£500 p/m. You can divy up between you who gets what of the house should ever it be sold.

I don't understand why your parents don't think you could sell the house and split the money so he could buy a house.

It's really not fair of them to do that to you.

Three generations of wills here:

1. My grandmother cut mum out of her will because my dad had a shop and ‘they didn’t need the money’. Mum was very hurt. When the will was dealt with, the solicitor put pressure, goodness how, on my mums siblings to vary the will so they got a third each. Ironically, they both died single, no kids so in the end mum received it all.
2. When mum died, my rich brother asked to be left out of her will, so other brother and I shared equally.
3. Our will. My MN name derives from when I sought opinion here on what to do about our own two sons, it was a Tricky Decision. One has three children, one has one child and is generally more prosperous than his brother. The opinion of MN was that our sons’ family planning was not our concern and an equal split between the two should be made, We have done this and both sons know and seem content.

@rookiemere gives excellent advice.

I'd also suggest counselling to explore how you can get out of FOG.

Do not write a letter or have some big confrontation with your DM. She'll get the message from your new behaviour. She'd love you to create drama with a letter or confrontation- don't give her the satisfaction.

She'd twist the narrative to 'JoshaTree wants to leave her poor addicted DB in a council flat, she has her own house, she's so selfish.'

This. Your parents don't seem bad people. I think you just need to gently point some stuff out to them. I'd do it in a carefully worded letter or email, so they can think about it before they respond.

OP, make sure you at least somehow remind them of the fact that you might lose the house at some point because of your condition. Sorry if this has been said a million times.

I think if theres any point in talking to them (And only you can know this)...

I would ask them to think about whether your brother can actually afford to live in the house and maintain it - I find a lot of folk do not think about how much a house actually costs to run and live in! Neither my sister or I could afford my fathers house when he passes, we will have to sell it!

If he can't then he will have to sell, is that what they want and will that benefit him properly any more than half the house value would (given he is likely to spaff it up the wall on shite!).

i can see that they may feel they're giving him somewhere to live and security, but if he can't afford to run it, they aren't really doing him any favours.

And be clear on your situation too, they may have assumed it is more secure than it really is!

I was the PP that suggested writing a letter (advise of my Councellor) which means I have a healthy relationship with a step parent, and NC with 2 toxic parents. I'm 100% happier.

If you think OPs mother would react so badly to a constructive attempt to resolve the hurt she's caused, then you've perfectly highlighted how toxic she is, and how OP should go NC.

The idea behind a letter is the reader has time to absorb the information. There's no opportunity to argue or lose the point as you can in a discussion. I can tell you that my Stepmother had no intention of showing a letter I wrote to her detailing her emotional abuse to everyone and if she had my wider family would have been horrified to learn the truth. Instead she wrote me back a beautiful letter of resolution in response.

Of course OP can speak in person, but the 3 part "this is what you did", "this is how I feel" "this is how I suggest we resolve it" well constructed letter, lays the foundation.

It’s so unbearably sad that your mother suffered, and now wants to act out the same sick scenario she suffered.

The poem “ This be the verse” is so true

Worth looking up, just for the wry laugh..

It’s very frustrating when adult children and parents can’t have forthright conversations.

A selfish father I heard of disinherited his own hardworking son, leaving valuable property to a dole bod why hasn’t worked in decades.
Dole bod was upset they’d not been given money to go with the property.

It’s so wrong.

'Clearly'?

You do not know us, so your comment is just spewing vitriol.

No thanks