Parents cutting me out of will

[JoshuaTree36]

HI guys

I will try and keep this brief, as I know how what it is like trying to read a wall of text but facts will be accurate

I am one of two siblings, and me and my brother are both in our 30s now and both of us have a relationship with our parents

I have worked since I left school. (I do not expect any awards for this btw lol) but it is how I expected to be. I have an inherited health condition that has made this a real struggle at times (and I don't expect sympathy either) I am happy with my life, and am married. We brought our house through blood sweat and tears same as everyone else

My brother I love dearly btw, none of this is a jibe at him. Brother has rarely worked i.e worked for short periods in-between addiction and substance issues, is twice divorced and lives alone now in a council flat in a high rise. Again, I am not having a dig at my bro, just merely painting a picture of the situation. Bro is a good person and we get on well. My Brother would give me his last penny if i needed it

Last week, out of the blue, My Mum told me that they are planning to leave their house to my Brother, in their Will as it is 'ok for me, as I own a house'.

I was shocked at this as you can imagine, and Mum asked me how I would feel. I literally was on the backfoot and said 'You do whatever you think is right' and I stand by that, as I feel that I should not be pointing out to them what to do.

Maybe my face gave me away and Mum said 'oh i can tell you are not happy ' but I insisted, this is a surprise conversation, and they need to do what they think is right so she said this is what we have decided and that was that.

My main issue is, they are doing this on the basis that I own a house (with my Husband obviously) so they assume I will be set up forever.

However, as i mentioned before I have an inherited health condition where no one that I know of, in my family (who have inherited it) has been able to continue working past age 55 due the declining issues it causes. My Brother does not have this condition, which I am grateful for truly

Plus , just because me and my husband are happy now, we could split up in two years for example, and me end up out on my ear. or stuck with mortgage i cant afford to pay

I feel properly pee'd off about this. I will not be raising this with them, and I was sworn to secrecy so my Brother does not know what he apparently, has coming to him. To top it off, it is unlikely my Brother would want to live there, as they live in quite a remote location

How would you feel? AIBU?

Again, having been through this, having resolved issues, either by a new more understanding relationship (step mum) or going completely NC (both parents) the idea of a letter is not confrontation, its resolution. Its only confrontational and dramatic if the recipient is toxic, as I suspect OPs mother is. She can create drama by twisting verbal words, but a letter is in black and white and non disputable.

While the "can't afford to see you, the petrol is too expensive" or "sorry working a second job to pay the bills" gets the message home and is "entertaining" as you watch to see if the penny drops, it only prolongs the pain.

OP has suffered so much hurt she needs resolution one way or the other.

I disagree, @SilentHedges . And I disagree with the counselor who suggested it. I think a letter is extremely confrontational. The reader, especially a narcissistic one, will absolutely not read it in the spirit that it was written. They're not going to go "oh, yes, she has a point there". They're going to feel attacked, they're going to go on the defensive, and they're coming to use the physical letter to get people on their side. Nothing is ever forgiven if the words in black and white are always there to remind you, as opposed to disappearing into the air.

I also think it's pretty cowardly to send a letter. If you want to say something, then go and say it, and take what comes back to you, in person. Hiding away while they read it is a bit pathetic.

The only hope I have, is that my Brother does get some enjoyment out of it - and (taking myself out of the equation) they clearly want to set him up for life.

The house he will inherit is a lovely place, overlooking the coast.

Brother has been clean for over six months now and was talking last night about doing some Charity work, so hopefully he will continue to improve. I really think he can do it.

I understand his mind set, as he had struggled with getting help for mental health issues, long before any substances came on the scene. Even as a young teenager, but there was little intervention from parents when he was self harming and making attempts on his own life - they would just let him crack on - and bury that it was happening

It took him a good 10+ years to actually start getting some mental health help - so it is all looking positive for a permanant change

I'll repeat again. I've been through this. Disagree with me and a Councellor all you like. I've forged a meaningful relationship with my step mum, and gone NC with two parents using the letter method. Constructive, concise and objective. We almost agree in the sense that you think the OPs mother is such a narcissist (my mother was) that she'll react incredibly badly, which gives OP her answer. In which case I doubt she will hold a constructive FtF conversation either.

I will ignore your insult of being called a coward in writing letters to resolve years of hurt. Really, wow. It worked to reach a conclusion but you don't seem interested in that.

OP do things in the way that works for you, I am giving you my real life experience. You have to front this out in your own way, otherwise you will live out your parents lives feeling bitter, unloved and with no resolution. That's a painful way to live.

Thank you - honestly I do not know what to do...and in actuality if anyone is a coward, it is probably me - cos i'm too scared to do either.

I just think however I put across my feelings, it will be turned backwards on me and I will walk away feeling worse than I do now. Whatever I say or do, Mum will somehow end up being the 'hurt victim'

and Id rather not give her that pleasure

I think what i will do is attempt to muster as much dignity as possible and just go very low contact with both parents. My dad is a lovely man, but he is an enabler and has allowed a lot of sh1t to go down over the years whilst turning a blind eye...a lot of stuff.

So low contact it is. I cant face discussing anything with them.

A letter might work with a reasonable person. It will not work in this case, the DM is not suddenly going to have an epiphany. She will frame herself as the victim.

@JoshuaTree36 you are not a coward. You're taking care of yourself by minimising contact with someone that has hurt you. You're also leaving the door open, should DM have that epiphany.

Spend time with the lovely people in your life - your partner, PILs, friends. And give yourself some time to grieve that you didn't have the parents you deserved.

I do get it @JoshuaTree36. The dynamic was the same for me. I adored my dad, but the phrases I head most from him were "anything for a quiet life" and "don't make your mum angry for goodness sake"

Only now, do I realise that he enabled her abuse. He wasn't there for the worst of it, she was genuinely oblivious, but still, he let her behave extremely badly and cause terrible atmospheres in our house.

I've only just, in my mid 60s, felt able to challenge her and speak my mind. Until now I've still been that child who was scared stiff of her.

All that's changed is that she's now paralysed and in a wheelchair. So who's the coward now?

I just think however I put across my feelings, it will be turned backwards on me and I will walk away feeling worse than I do now. Whatever I say or do, Mum will somehow end up being the 'hurt victim'.
If you think about your words carefully you'll feel relieved after the initial shock of standing up to your DM.
Practice in a mirror.
She is doing this to bother you.
You're feelings and situation are not important to her.
You know how she plays the victim and I'm sure friends of hers are very aware of the attention seeking behaviour she plays by.
Walk away.
She'll be back with a pen in hand ready to include you if she hasn't got control of you.
It's all a bloody game and possibly guilt towards your brother.
Did she have a hand in his depression and lack of zest for life? The majority of addicts are people who have buried trauma.

Sorry, have now RTFT and agree - tell your brother "the upside is that they must surely know this absolves me of any caring responsibilities in the future."

Op, phrase it just like that and say nothing else. 'Upside' reminds them that overall this is very unfair. 'They must surely know' will pull them up sharp if this hasn't yet occurred to them. 'Absolves' says that you are someone who does your duty, but only if others do theirs.

If your bro panics and wants to continue the discussion just repeat that phrase but don't be drawn further. Say 'oh let's not talk about it, it's really depressing and upsetting.'

Then with luck he will pass the exact message onto them without you having to confront and without them having anything like a letter to wave around at others.

My mother casually told my DH that she’s changed her will to leave her house to one of my dsis, as he was mending something for her. Apparently we don’t need it as “dh company will never go bust” so we don’t need the money.

The dsis is the eldest, who lives in another country and earns a very low amount, by choice. She and her dh would have the highest earning potential of all 3 siblings, but have chosen not to. Having said that they own a property where they live.

DB is married with no kids and well off because of his life decisions.

We have 3 kids and dh has worked extremely hard to build up a small building company, we lived reasonably but certainly not rich.

We have always been the ones to include mother in everything and do a lot for her. We didn’t emigrate when we had chance as I couldn’t bring myself to remove her grandchildren from her when her others already lived thousands of miles away. We took her on holiday with us for years etc etc.

There had been many times I had been left out of things, including “family” holidays when dsis was home, with db too but not me or my family. There had been many other things I told her had hurt me and had actually resorted to writing emails explaining how hurt I was by her (and my siblings) behaviour. She always brushed off my feelings.

The will was the final straw and I have not spoken to her or my siblings since.

At the time she said this dh company was struggling massively due to covid and we were very worried about it’s survival. A week after she said this dh had a massive accident and will never work again. We will be living off benefits in a year or so when our savings run out.

OP it took the will to push me to cut them out but it is a massive relief not to be waiting for the next cut from her, and to realise just how much she was hurting me constantly. It’s been a relief not having to think about her during the time dh was in hospital and recovering.

To have done this to you knowing you have an illness which will effect your working, and quality of life is doubly insulting.

@Howdoyoulikeyourtea I'm so sorry, that's really awful. I hope things improve for you both one way or another and that your new-found peace grows every day.

I would say to her, I expect the house will have to be sold to pay for your care long before we need to worry about wills

Thank you, that’s a lovely message

Similar thing happened to my pal - mother left her (mortgage free) flat to older half-brother.

she tried to rationalise this, by saying she was married, with husband earning good wage and brother was single and drifted from job to job, with long periods of unemployment.

and then my friends marriage broke up, cos he ExH was having an affair. She hadn’t worked since before her DC were born and couldn’t afford to stay in the family home.

meanwhile, brother mortgaged the flat multiple times, and of course defaulted, so flat was repossessed. Everything my friends mum had worked so hard for all her working life was gone. And my friend was left high and dry.

there was a happy ending, as my marriage broke up a few months later and we combined out households and have been living as housemates for over 10 years.

I just think however I put across my feelings, it will be turned backwards on me and I will walk away feeling worse than I do now. Whatever I say or do, Mum will somehow end up being the 'hurt victim'
This is a classic response. Google DARVO.

I think that you need to emphasise that the proposed Will is manifestly unjust and favours one child over another. Don't get drawn into "I want" because you will be portrayed as jealous, greedy, etc. Just emphasise that the Will clearly shows that she doesn't love or value you and therefore you are not interested in a relationship with her any more. It's HER actions that have caused YOUR response; she is not the victim.

@JoshuaTree36 you mentioned your DB's mental health problems go back to childhood. What is your DB's relationship like with parents? Being the golden child is not healthy.

If you make it clear you will take no part in their future care that may come as rather a shock to them.

Do they have powers of attorney in place? If you are on them you can step away from that as well.

@Howdoyoulikeyourtea so sorry to hear what happened to you, I hope your life is good now and in the future. Your post is one of the most significant on the thread (among many very helpful posts) and thank you for sharing your experience. OP, you aren’t a coward, you are taking a brave decision to go low contact. And you don’t have to be an executor, you don’t have to do Power of Attorney (great point @GnomeDePlume ) and you don’t have to look for care homes, or organise weekly shopping if they stay in their own home.. Lots of positives to be found in your decision to step away from this toxic relationship!

Well, if either of your parents need help in their old age, at least you won't have to do it.

That is the only silver lining that I can think of.

Caring for elderly parents is a thankless task.

Thank you @Jacopo , I hope it helps OP in some way.

I have realised I was an executor of mothers will and have signed as power of attorney if she ever needs it, I need to check I no longer am somehow.

I remembered after writing my post, after I stopped speaking to her she messaged my dh saying he needed to get me to go to the doctor as it would be my age and hormones making me act stupidly! Nothing to do with her treatment of me!

Parents - and this applies to the majority of people reading, I guess - here is a very clear message, and one with which most solicitors agree wholeheartedly: TREAT YOUR CHILDREN EQUALLY. DO NOT SHOW FAVOURITISM, ESPECIALLY FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. All you will do is sow disharmony and resentment among your children. Be fair and just - give all of your children an equal inheritance. Please.

Wow. Seriously? Emotionally black mail them into leaving something or going no contact? That's horrible advice.

If I understand correctly they aren't disinheriting op out of spite. It sounds to me as if rightly or wrongly they think that op doesn't need the house but her brother does. If the roles were reversed and they felt that op had less assets they might have made a will in op's favour.

I assume they've spent a lot of time worrying about the brother and how he'll manage his life whereas op has seemed to do well. I know op you say that you aren't in a great situation either but I guess your parents might just worry more about your brother because of his addiction issues, etc. I think you could mention to them that 1. Your brother might not want to live in the house and 2. You might also be more dependent in your fifties and then maybe the four of you can come to an arrangement that suits all of you better. E.g. maybe they can leave the house to you and any other assets to your brother or something like that. Or sell the house and split the money.

Op I genuinely don't think it's reflection of how much they care for you (at least purely going by what you have written in your post. If there is a backstory to this then I could be totally wrong of course)

Sorry if I’m repeating advice already offered, I’ve not read the whole thread but what immediately sprang to my mind is to speak to your parents and explain that as their house is not in a position you think your DB would want to live in they need to think about leaving the value of the house. A house itself cannot be split but the value of it could be. You understand they may want more provision for your DB which you’d have to think about how much you’d support that, also you could be made trustee of something for your DB.

This is like a feminist fairy tale - amazing @TrashyPanda.

And they lived happily ever after yeah motherfucker!

@Howdoyoulikeyourtea That is horrible of your DM.

OP you need to have an honest conversation with yourself. This will emotionally eat you up.

I am in a similar position. DB will get everything and we will get nothing.

It hurts- like really hurts. It’s not about the money but it is about never being treated as equals.

When I found out what was in our parents will I confronted them. It’s their money, their choice. But I am their daughter and should be treated equally to their son.