Parents cutting me out of will

[JoshuaTree36]

HI guys

I will try and keep this brief, as I know how what it is like trying to read a wall of text but facts will be accurate

I am one of two siblings, and me and my brother are both in our 30s now and both of us have a relationship with our parents

I have worked since I left school. (I do not expect any awards for this btw lol) but it is how I expected to be. I have an inherited health condition that has made this a real struggle at times (and I don't expect sympathy either) I am happy with my life, and am married. We brought our house through blood sweat and tears same as everyone else

My brother I love dearly btw, none of this is a jibe at him. Brother has rarely worked i.e worked for short periods in-between addiction and substance issues, is twice divorced and lives alone now in a council flat in a high rise. Again, I am not having a dig at my bro, just merely painting a picture of the situation. Bro is a good person and we get on well. My Brother would give me his last penny if i needed it

Last week, out of the blue, My Mum told me that they are planning to leave their house to my Brother, in their Will as it is 'ok for me, as I own a house'.

I was shocked at this as you can imagine, and Mum asked me how I would feel. I literally was on the backfoot and said 'You do whatever you think is right' and I stand by that, as I feel that I should not be pointing out to them what to do.

Maybe my face gave me away and Mum said 'oh i can tell you are not happy ' but I insisted, this is a surprise conversation, and they need to do what they think is right so she said this is what we have decided and that was that.

My main issue is, they are doing this on the basis that I own a house (with my Husband obviously) so they assume I will be set up forever.

However, as i mentioned before I have an inherited health condition where no one that I know of, in my family (who have inherited it) has been able to continue working past age 55 due the declining issues it causes. My Brother does not have this condition, which I am grateful for truly

Plus , just because me and my husband are happy now, we could split up in two years for example, and me end up out on my ear. or stuck with mortgage i cant afford to pay

I feel properly pee'd off about this. I will not be raising this with them, and I was sworn to secrecy so my Brother does not know what he apparently, has coming to him. To top it off, it is unlikely my Brother would want to live there, as they live in quite a remote location

How would you feel? AIBU?

gosh, that's terrible. Sorry for asking but is there a cultural element that is playing a part here?

What a horrible situation to be in, I think anything around wills is always awkward and difficult to manage , I think give it a week or so and sit down and have a frank and honest convo with your mum , if she still looks at it through rose tinted glasses after hearing what you have to say so be it but don’t cut them off because of it what shitty advice from people. You say you have a good bond with your brother , maybe he would hate to have all that thrown at him and will split it equally I know I would with my sister who I love dearly I would feel terrible for her

Try to carry on as normal. You’re stressing about something that might not happen for many many years.

She may even change her mind in time, especially if your DB manages to sort himself out and continues on that path.

If your brother has a council flat he is probably in a more secure home situation than you are as a part owner of a property with you partner.

I would be honest with your parents about your own worries for your future and how this has made you feel. Then they can decide if they want to change their wills or not.
This is surely the best way to honour your relationship.

YANBU. This is very hurtful and is plan old fashioned sexism.

When you look back at it, you might also wonder about your brother (whom I hear you say you love dearly).

it’s very sad situation because it has undoubtedly made you question your relationship with your parents, and you have my sympathy.

All you can do is appeal to your parents conscience and sense of fairness, I think.

A solicitor might be able to advise about any chances of challenging the will after your parents have died, and any potential claims under the Inheritance Act.
Wishing you all the best.

I am going through similar to you. My mum died last month and has left everything to my eldest sister and her son. I have a life limiting condition and I'm recently divorced from a high earning man (£120k+ bonuses pa) who earns more in a month than I do in a year! I am in need of having at least 2 operations both of which are 6 months recovery and I am self employed so no sickness benefit etc.and I have been told I'll never work full time again. I lost lots of work due to having to isolate during covid because of my health issues and had to live off my savings (from divorce settlement which have nearly all gone). My eldest sister has no mortgage (luckily neither do I) and also has a second property that she rents out. She is also self-employed and is never without a good income. My other sister is the same as my eldest sister. So out of the three of us I am the 'worst' off.Please understand this isn'y me feeling sorry for myself or bitching about my two sisters that I love dearly. However, my eldest sister has looks after our mum for many years and because of this I have never had to worry about her. Personally, I think my sister and her son have both been there for my mum and I am more than happy for her to have what is essentially a small estate. If I got anything from mum it would only have been a mediocre amount. We (my sisters and I) each 'lost' a fortune when our birth father died and left all his money to our stepmother (even though she always swore to him that she would leave it all to us instead she left it to the dogs home - we're talking hundreds of thousands!). I have always taken the stance that if someone wants to leave their money to someone other than family, well that's up to them. At the end of the day it is just money. I can understand your concerns (specially having gone through the breakdown of my marriage which mum knew about) but honestly, try not to worry about the 'what if's'. None of us know what is round the corner. Your parents may change their minds. Rather than letting it fester, speak to your parents calmly and explain why you are concerned. I'm sure they'll understand. They might not change things but at least you will have voiced your opinion. Half of the time, we don't speak up and that in itself can cause lots of turmoil within ourselves. I hope this is of some help.

You should never show favouritism especially with money. How can you just accept that? It's outrageous. I'm sure they will be expecting old age care from you when they lose their mobility and independence, and to do chores and help them out. You are far more gracious than me

Your brother is going to go through that money in no time on drugs. Happened to my partners brother. Had a small drinking issue, came into money after mothers death and then drank himself into
hospital and died about 18 months later.

Very similar situation to mine a few years ago. My parent left more money to my bro but split the house between us. Because of various MH issues he now lives in the house and probably will do forever because otherwise he’d be v vulnerable. The point I’m making is that I wish my Dad had discussed the will with me because on balance I would rather my brother had the house and maybe I could have been left more of the other assets. I wish he’d discussed it with me, I wouldn’t care if it was a fair split as it would be better for me than it is now. Where will your brother go in the event of your parents death? Is he guaranteed a council flat for ever or could he ever face homelessness? i don’t think it’s fair but you do need to consider his MH and well-being long term in all this.

I understand your frustrations, but look at it from your parents view.
They probably love you both dearly, but you have clearly made a success of your life and don't give them worries. Your brother on the other hand appears to be a bit of a disaster. Your parents are probably looking at the situation and are really concerned fr your brothers future, hence their decision.

I think it's a shame that you weren't able to tell your mother how you felt, she asked this question but you told her what you thought. If you have a good relationships with your parents you could revisit the conversation & tell her house yesterday really feel about it.

For what it's worth I don't agree with giving children's different amounts unless said child has made it clear that they wanted nothing to do with parents. This isn't the case here. It runs the risk of setting up rivalry between siblings & I also wonder why they've not told your brother? I think this infantilizes him he is not a child who on earth would they treated him likes one?! He might have an opinion of his own

Dont cut them out etc!

Just ob

I don't think throwing money at him is necessarily going to make him any different though sadly

This is appalling, for all the reasons you mention. And why should you have to bear the secret but your brother can remain in blissful ignorance? If it was me I'd definitely be telling my parents how unfair they were being.

This is a classic testing the water situation which is still shitty for you as their child. It's their responsibility to devide their estate in a way they feel is fair and helpful to both of you as their children, but it sounds as if they are playing with your emotions hoping you'll accept their plans without asking any questions. As you've said do what you want, they can now say you agreed you didn't want your share of the house. If you speak up or challenge their decision now, you look as if all you care about is the money. Point out these facts to them, and tell them you don't appreciate being put in this position, especially from them. They need to do better tbh.

Oops posted too soon!

Dont cut them out etc, just go back to them and explain how you feel having had time to process it and your reasons it worries you hopefully they will at least give it more consideration

Addiction is illness too. Clearly it impacts your brother greatly. From his track record it's clear he will never be able to have a mortgage of his own and your parents are concerned that he should have that most basic of needs - a roof over his head. Nobody knows what the future may bring but your brother could hit tougher times just as you could, but you'd have a head start in getting back on your feet. Be happy for your brother.

Your parents are being stinkers. Unless there is a good reason parents should try to treat their children reasonably equally. How divisive it is of them to be so judgemental, you have a birthright, and it is not greed, it is being recognised fairly.
I go along with all the prior comments.

He had a council flat. That gives him a roof over his head for the rest of his life.

@JoshuaTree36, are you serious right now?

1. You are a married woman with a husband!
2. You HAVE a home already!
3. You have health issues, but your brother does too!
4. Your brother doesn't have a home and is living on welfare.

For you to be upset about this is ridiculous! Your brother is clearly in a position where he is struggling! You actually said you wouldn't have a problem if they gave it to charity, so why do you have a problem with them giving their home to your brother? He CLEARLY has not had the life you have had. He has issues, likely both mental and physical, that have left him in a precarious position in life. By the time your parents pass, he may be better, but right now he isn't better.

In addition to all of that, you lied to your mother! If you really had an issue with this, why not say something when she asked. You should have been honest and said you felt that was unfair to you (I think it isn't) or you should have asked what YOU were going to inherit, since that is important to you.

Let me tell you something. Sometimes, as a parent, you can tell that one child is weaker than the other. You may feel responsible for this and try to do things to help the weaker child. This may make the child who is not weaker feel hurt because they feel the parents are paying more attention to the weaker child. Your parents looked at the two of you and felt that you would be able to make it over your brother. You have a husband. You haven't been addicted. You are doing well. You may have some health issues, but you are still thriving. Don't make everything about your issues. Look at the bigger picture, like your parents are trying to do. Your husband is your support system. Your brother doesn't have that support system. Instead of feeling salty about the house, talk to them and ask them about their bank accounts and other investments. They can also take out life insurance policies and give you that instead of the house. I see nothing wrong with what your parents did as long as there is something also in their estate or a life insurance policy for you. However, I wouldn't have done what they did. If your brother is an addict, without a substantial job, how is he going to pay the taxes on the property? I don't know how it is in the UK, but in the US, if you don't pay taxes, the government will take your property! How did your parents plan for the taxes to be paid? Instead of being mad, THINK your way through this and then sit down and talk with them about life insurance, taxes and the house. Don't get mad and talk about this reasonably. Your parents just want what is best for you, their stronger child, and your brother, their emotionally weaker child! The fact that your mother even brought it up to you should tell you that!

I think you should speak to them. If you have a good relationship with your parents (which it sounds like you do) I am sure they are not trying to hurt you and truly believe that they are doing the right thing in trying to save the most vulnerable of their children, your brother. I think if you explain your feelings they will understand. If you listen to most of the advice on here you will damage your relationship with your parents and your brother. I hope you resolve the issue

Well i think your mum is lying. I think her telling you this and smirking at your reaction and then telling you not to tell your brother leads to me to her wanting drama. She wants you to tell your brother.

She will either suggest your a liar or your being greedy.

Personally any parent who thinks telling a sibling they are getting nothing whilst their drug addict son gets everything would be enough for me to climb out of the fog and go NC.

It wouldn't be due to lack of inheritance or entitlement it would be due to the smug satisfaction your mother displayed when seeing you were upset,

Step way and let her get on with it. All you can hope for is that she dies first and your dad changes the will

Actually I reread the thread and it seems as if you do have issues with your family. I would still speak to them about this even if it is just to assert your emotions n the situation. Let them know how it makes you feel and if this has no impact then you have no option but to rethink your relationship with them moving forwards. If your mum truly doesn’t care about your feelings you can let her know that you no longer have the energy to invest in the relationship- invest your emotional energy in your own family unit and close friends

Yeah I would also feel really hurt by this. You handled it with such grace and like a truly good person. Maybe if you did ever end up in that situation your brother would take you in :)