Parents cutting me out of will

[JoshuaTree36]

HI guys

I will try and keep this brief, as I know how what it is like trying to read a wall of text but facts will be accurate

I am one of two siblings, and me and my brother are both in our 30s now and both of us have a relationship with our parents

I have worked since I left school. (I do not expect any awards for this btw lol) but it is how I expected to be. I have an inherited health condition that has made this a real struggle at times (and I don't expect sympathy either) I am happy with my life, and am married. We brought our house through blood sweat and tears same as everyone else

My brother I love dearly btw, none of this is a jibe at him. Brother has rarely worked i.e worked for short periods in-between addiction and substance issues, is twice divorced and lives alone now in a council flat in a high rise. Again, I am not having a dig at my bro, just merely painting a picture of the situation. Bro is a good person and we get on well. My Brother would give me his last penny if i needed it

Last week, out of the blue, My Mum told me that they are planning to leave their house to my Brother, in their Will as it is 'ok for me, as I own a house'.

I was shocked at this as you can imagine, and Mum asked me how I would feel. I literally was on the backfoot and said 'You do whatever you think is right' and I stand by that, as I feel that I should not be pointing out to them what to do.

Maybe my face gave me away and Mum said 'oh i can tell you are not happy ' but I insisted, this is a surprise conversation, and they need to do what they think is right so she said this is what we have decided and that was that.

My main issue is, they are doing this on the basis that I own a house (with my Husband obviously) so they assume I will be set up forever.

However, as i mentioned before I have an inherited health condition where no one that I know of, in my family (who have inherited it) has been able to continue working past age 55 due the declining issues it causes. My Brother does not have this condition, which I am grateful for truly

Plus , just because me and my husband are happy now, we could split up in two years for example, and me end up out on my ear. or stuck with mortgage i cant afford to pay

I feel properly pee'd off about this. I will not be raising this with them, and I was sworn to secrecy so my Brother does not know what he apparently, has coming to him. To top it off, it is unlikely my Brother would want to live there, as they live in quite a remote location

How would you feel? AIBU?

I'm in a similar situation OP and you have my full sympathy and understanding with this.
For my mum it was a pragmatic decision but when she passes it's going cause simmering resentment with me and my other brother who inherit nothing.
I feel really bad posting this but am speaking out as I'm sure OP aren't alone with this situation.

This is just patently unfair.

My parents did something similar, and cut out a sibling. It caused so many repercussions and such bad feeling between the remaining children. Your parents are just setting you both up for years of tension once the will comes to fruition. I’d explain that to them now, and hopefully they will have a rethink.

My mother passed at an old age, my father 35 years ago. Complicated situation but house was being left to niece and nephew as eldest brother bought her council house but got 50% free because of years she’d lived there. He died 20 years ago. One of my two remaining brothers took great delight in telling me 3 days before she died that she’d changed her will a few years ago to include my two siblings and leave me out. He was smirking when he told me. I know he orchestrated it because he was always sly and sneaky and bullied her with his views, but it hurt that she never told me. I didn’t need her money but I would have felt better if she’d told me so always wonder now if she wanted it that way herself. I know it’s hard to deal with and it was too late for me to say something to her and I wasn’t giving my brother the satisfaction of a reaction which he really wanted. But I agree with others you should be honest with both your parents together. It sounds like your family dynamics might come from previous generations, like alcoholism, addiction is addiction. Controllers marry passive partners and the children grow up being another generation to suffer. Your mother and father may well be the product of parents affected by this. It causes all kinds of unhealthy behaviour and just gets passed down, learned behaviour. I had a brother who died of alcoholism and a brother who is an alcoholic and I’d swear it runs down my mother’s side even if the specific addiction skips a generation, the ‘isms’ persist. I guess what I mean is you can’t change people but you can tell them how you feel. Honesty can be a powerful tool and it can free you from the awful feeling of resentment.

I would tell your mother exactly how you feel. It's not fair. Things like this can and do create such bad will and break entire families.

Your parents are enabling your brother's addictions. This is bullshit. He may give you the impression that he'd give you his last dime, this is also bullshit. Addicts are out for number one, and that doesn't include you. I would consult an attorney ASAP. (As an American, I am unfamiliar with the term council flat - gov't assistance? nevertheless, this does not put a damper on my suspicions.) I believe he's emotionally manipulated your parents into this 'decision.' Why else would your mother ask how you feel about it? Her son is feeling you out to test how likely you are to bring legal action against him. Jesus Christ, you're a woman, and you're sickness is bonafide. Your fears for the future are not at all outlandish. Divorce, death, anything can happen at any time (hell, he could be taken out by a drunk driver). If your bro doesn't work, how does he afford his drugs? He's dealing maybe?

I would say to your Mum and Dad, i have thought about what we discussed and i am hurt, and then state your own health etc situation. Then ask them what will be your inheritance eg, life insurance, savings etc. Maybe they see the house as only one part of it. If you plan to have children you could ask them to give him lifetime living in the house but upon brothers passing it reverts to you or equally split between any kids you and brother have. Also explain to them selling their house he could maybe buy a smaller property and then you can still be included.

Where are you? In Scotland children can't be written put - they are entitled to share 1/3 of the value of the estate.

Written out. Sorry!

You should talk to them and say it’s unfair - which it is. ESP considering your health condition.

You need to talk to your parents. Your mum asked and you didn’t tell her how you feel properly. It’s very unfair.

That is a bit shitty, my dads wife doesn’t like me and I the same to her, so when he told me his will which favours her and her children I was gobsmacked, so I told him I would contest it if it wasn’t made fair. May seem harsh but I don’t really care 😂😂

I can never understand how parents can not treat their children equally. You are not being unreasonable but your parents are.

So emotionally blackmail them into changing their will? I think that’s a bit harsh. And I don’t think it shows that the OP means nothing to them, as you’re suggesting. It’s open to criticism, but that’s too much, and terribly insensitive to the OP.

I don’t really have any answers OP but I think you’re handling it well, and also you and your brother have done well to maintain a good relationship despite what must have been considerable hurdles. I think if you maintain that, things are more likely to come good in the end.

Sorry I didn’t phrase some of that very well. I mean the parents’ decision is open to criticism, but to say it ‘shows what they think of the OP’ is too much.

I think you might want to read all of the ops posts about what the relationship is like with her parents

Ok, hands up, I should have read the OP’s posts before I posted. Seems like the mum is a lot more toxic than I thought from the original info.

Just realised my latest post reads as if I am longtompot. I am not! Just someone else who should have read all the OP’s posts first.

If you love your children equally, you treat them equally.
This should be glaringly obvious to you, @JoshuaTree36 no matter what justification your mother gave you.
It might be uncomfortable, but I’d certainly bring that to their attention. There’s no way I’d let it slide. I’d explode at some point. Your parents are being very unreasonable. Btw - do they know about your brother’s “habits?”

My brother was fantastically successful and very wealthy. My sister was married to a very wealthy man. And I was barely limping along on very limited funds. Still, my parents split their will in three equal parts. I didn’t see that as being unfair to me — in fact, I didn’t think about it at all.

My parents helped me with a deposit for a house (I did vaguely suggest it) and not my sister as she is in a different financial situation. My sister doesn’t know about it.

I absolutely don’t expect different treatment in their will though and would be fine if they left my sister a bit more due to the house deposit situation.

It's your parents' house/money and it's up to them what they do with it. They could choose to donate it to the local dogs' home, give it to a homeless charity, sell it and spend the cash all themselves, etc.

IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS - THEY OWE YOU NOTHING!

Personally, I've got 2 kids and when the time comes, my will days it will all be going to the one and specifically stating that the other gets nothing.

I had my GP witness it so that no-one can say that I wasn't of sound mind when I wrote it, meaning it can't be contested and my instructions will be adhered to.

You just don’t do this kind of thing to your children. It’s not your fault you brother has nothing to show for his years on the earth and you and you husband has.

speak to both your mother and father and let them know how unfair there decision is. It seem the have come to there decision from not thinking it though .

This^^. As others have said talk to them and point out the brothers addictions and how the money could be spent, after all he's secure in a council place so could waste the money.. If they won't change the will I would stay away and let brother and his drugs be their source of help if they need it.

This is such a sad thing to hear. I'm in the opposite position to you, my parents are cutting my sister out of their will, due to her drug use and abusive behaviour of them over the last 10-20 years . I don't think they understand what position they are putting me in when they pass, as this is going to cause so much trouble between me and my sister. I wish my parents hadn't told me as I was very unhappy about that decision as I know that she will be a nightmare to deal with. I told my parents when they announced this to just split everything between all the grandchildren because I'd rather have nothing than face that fight and try to approach her in regards to how to split it once it all happens, as my sister already deems me the favourite and hates me as it is. I understand she's hurt them but I love my sister even tho she hates me and I hate to see that their last final message to her will be a F*#! You in her eyes.

Just because your parents are cutting your sister out of the Will doesn't mean you cannot do the right thing by giving her and half. That would solve the whole problem.