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AIBU?

Expecting HIM to do school run?

771 replies

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 08:36

Just wanted to get a idea if I’m out of order .
My Dh runs his own business and works long hours normally getting home at 12.30am..

I am a stay at home mum to our child plus my elder child who has sen.

We have a agreement where Dh takes our son to school each morning and I do all pick ups.

He has said as he’s is working so hard at his shop it’s really not fair for him to get up at 8.15am Monday to Friday to do this .. hinting I should do it .

I don’t like school runs but do all pick ups. I also do all the housework / cooking / cleaning / appointments / admin/ planning/ paying bills / taking kids to clubs / activities .. you know the list is endless.

The only things my husband does is this school run and taking the bin out once a week. Nothing else .

some might think as I’m a stay at home mum I should do it but if I do ( I’m already up each morning and all the work of getting the kids ready for school is done , he literally just drives our child ) then he literally does one thing a week - the bin.

I could take my child but I don’t see why I should. I get he works long hours and in the summer holidays he’s been getting up at 10.30am every morning so to have to wake up at 8.15 he isn’t going to like but he doesn’t have to do it during the holidays / half terms and weekend …

Am I wrong ? am I being lazy ?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

2073 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
60%
You are NOT being unreasonable
40%
averageavocado · 05/09/2022 00:03

bluesapphire48 · 04/09/2022 19:49

Why should his wife be a slave? What's he withholding his money for? Another woman?

Oh it'so hard being a SAHM, when your dc are at school

Proper slave labour

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ChellyT · 05/09/2022 01:38

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 08:41

He is not financially supporting us as a unit. He pays me a monthly contribution. This is not a set up of that he is paying for all of my needs

They are his children too, boo the fuck hoo he loses a few hours sleep during school term.

SAHM are hugely under valued!

I was a part time 30 hrs a week working mum and managed to do school pick up/drop off, after school activities because I chose jobs that worked with my growing family because that's what my family needed at the time. While my now ex worked 10-12 hr days barely making my wage doing it.

My ex under valued my running around while getting paid more than him. My now adult children that have children of their own are now just realising what I did and are now grateful for what I did for them as they juggle their work/home lives.

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ChellyT · 05/09/2022 02:35

averageavocado · 05/09/2022 00:03

Oh it'so hard being a SAHM, when your dc are at school

Proper slave labour

SAHMs are definitely undervalued

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Madamum18 · 05/09/2022 06:06

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 12:50

Spoilt ? Nah .

Lazy? Not a day in my life

How on earth can you describe the |OP as lazy or spoilt based on the information she has given us.

OP - this isn't sounding much like a partnership at the moment. I think you need to sit down as a pair and really discuss the reality of your situations ...not just school runs but routines across the board. Explain your perspective without anger and resentment and really listen to his then come to a compromise. And if he won't do that ...Hmm, bigger issues Flowers

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ReneBumsWombats · 05/09/2022 06:23

How on earth can you describe the |OP as lazy or spoilt based on the information she has given us.

It's the information she's not giving us that's making it look bad.

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mandalala · 05/09/2022 09:09

So if she told everyone that she drawing on money she received from an inheritance from her Uncle Bob or whoever, that would suddenly make a world of difference to who does the school run would it?

Or maybe she once worked in the city earning huge bonuses and has used some of this to get the DH business going and is still having to draw from that money to supplement his lack of income?

Or maybe she got a divorce settlement and is using that?

What difference does it make? She has told you all you need to know - she is not working. She has means to finds that she is having to use to prop up his business venture. Meanwhile, she is doing EVERYTHING in the house and for the kids to boot.

I know a lot of husbands who work the hours her DH works. It's nothing remotely unusual - especially for self-employed people. I know husbands who get off long haul lights and then do a day's work and still try to do the school run if they can because they WANT to. Running a business if not a free pass to opt out of family life - even if you are able to financially support your family through that business. This man is not even doing that! He's out over 12 hours a day and only really brings in enough to fund himself. His contribution is nominal. Everything else is on OP.

And as for all this "she has school hours" - well so what??? That's when she can get everything done. She's on her own in the evenings with a 15 year-old with SEN and another young child. Six nights a week. No support from him. So bloody what if she might dare to watch a bit of Netflix for an hour? When else does she have a break? I bet if his business is quiet or not much going on in the afternoons, he doesn't rush about in circles if he doesn't need to. Plus he has staff snd scult company. OP has nobody.

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mandalala · 05/09/2022 09:11

adult company even

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KettrickenSmiled · 05/09/2022 10:26

Er ... many people go to bed at 12 and getting up at 7.30 is hardly remarkable
& OP's DH is not one of them.
He gets home 12:30am earliest.
He'll then need to eat, unwind, potter ... he won't be asleep til 2am-ish.

I suppose they should all get lie-ins too until 10.30 every day.
The DH's 10:30 lie-ins were just during the school holidays.
They're finished now.

Blimey- no wonder this country is in the state it's in.
Top frothing, @mandalala! Just what the OP posted for - a lot of illogical cheerleading & man-bashing. 10/10.

This thread is a joke.
Your most factual observation to date.

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Everanewbie · 05/09/2022 10:47

Short term - absolutely no bloody way should the DH do the school runs in the current circumstance. I'm sure there is other stuff in the house that he can help with to help share the burden, but pressuring this man into an early school run on minimal sleep is not fair.

Long term - 12 hour days 6 days a week are not sustainable, for DH to avoid burnout. Plus he is missing out on seeing his children grow up and not really supporting you in what can be stressful and difficult, not to mention lonely time, although also hugely rewarding. Work life balance needs addressing if 12 hour 6 day weeks are still the norm in a years time.

Who earns what and from where is a bit of a red herring. You're a team and some money comes easy and some comes hard. Its all going in the pot, and his contribution is no less valuable because it is slightly less and harder earned. You can't say, well I have an unearned income that pays 60%, so down tools, i've done my bit and he's bad because his hard earned graft only produces 40% so he's not pulling his weight. That is childish and unfair.

My advice would be to deal with the school runs for now if you want to protect your husband from burnout, but to have an honest 2 way discussion about the plans for the business in the future and how he can be more involved in family life long term. After all, participation in family life is a treasure that some people would give anything for.

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byrons · 05/09/2022 10:49

There is a deep misconception for what sahP do. The animosity towards sahp here is unwarranted and misguided.

The clue is in the title -the job (and yes it is a job) is so much more than full time because you are a parent 24/7. It’s not an easy gig as some have suggested. I worked ft before giving up my job to be sahp and I can honestly says it’s much much harder.

Of course all the school and child related tasks are part of what a sahp should do, but they often find themselves doing so much more.

Weekly food shop,car repairs,house maintenance,cooking,cleaning, admin, bins etc. all these things are what anyone would have to do regardless of dc.

Over the years my exh did less and less and I took on more as I’m sure so many sahp find themselves doing.

I never got the opportunity to have a lie in or any time to myself even at the weekends. I didn’t get a coffee or a lunch break. For those of you pointing out that OP has six hours to herself, I can tell you that those six hours pass in a flash and before you know it it’s time to pick the kids up and start on homework/extra curricular activities etc.
It’s also an incredibly isolating experience as you don’t have the benefit of workplace camaraderie.

It’s the ops responsibility to do thing school /child related but the fact that her dh only does the bins is appalling. Why is the bar so incredibly low for spouses who work and do nothing else to contribute to family life?

Pps have acknowledged the impact of being a sahp; skills are out of date, and earning potential is vastly reduced. Meanwhile,spouses have the luxury of furthering their careers, often without any of the responsibilities that come with children.

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chilliesandspices · 05/09/2022 11:00


It’s the ops responsibility to do thing school /child related but the fact that her dh only does the bins is appalling. Why is the bar so incredibly low for spouses who work and do nothing else to contribute to family life?


The bar isn't usually low and we normally point out that when the working day is over, it's 50:50 and the SAHP is not there 24/7

In this particular case, the father is working exceptionally long unsociable hours. I suggested the OP find other things he can take over as contribution to the family workload instead of school runs and she asked "like what?" As if there's nothing else she's doing. Now I'm sure that's not true but how on earth do you help someone who can't help themselves? She's settled on wanting him to wake up early for the school run because she doesn't like it herself.

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DooLallyy · 05/09/2022 11:11

@byrons no it really isn't that difficult being a SAHP, yes you are busy, but as it has been mentioned repeatedly - most working parents do all those jobs AND work.

I've done both - been a SAHP whilst on mat leave, I've worked in the day whilst the kids were at school/childminder's, I'm currently a SAHP in the day and then work afternoons/evenings/weekends.
Yes being a SAHP isn't a skive but it's easier than working as well as still having to do the school runs, cleaning, shopping, cooking etc etc.

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mandalala · 05/09/2022 11:17

"Yes being a SAHP isn't a skive but it's easier than working as well as still having to do the school runs, cleaning, shopping, cooking etc etc."

Yet strangely, people seem to think they because this DH goes out to work, he shouldn't have to do any "school runs, cleaning, shopping, cooking etc etc."

"Oh I go work so therefore all I can manage now is to put a bin out once a week and see the kids one day out of seven." Said no woman ever.

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byrons · 05/09/2022 11:28

@DooLallyy
My exH didn't and it seems neither does ops DH.

Agree it's not hard if the workload is shared but clearly it isn't.

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mandalala · 05/09/2022 11:31

"In this particular case, the father is working exceptionally long unsociable hours. I suggested the OP find other things he can take over as contribution to the family workload instead of school runs and she asked "like what?" As if there's nothing else she's doing. Now I'm sure that's not true but how on earth do you help someone who can't help themselves? She's settled on wanting him to wake up early for the school run because she doesn't like it herself."

You are missing the crucial point chilliesandspices. She just wants him to see his kids. Actually, more than that, she wants him to WANT to see his kids.

If he doesn't see them in the mornings, he doesn't see them all week as he's not there in the evenings. Obviously.

I'm sure she's not of the inclination to be so petty as to wake him up to do housework, or something like that. She probably doesn't need that sort of help particularly. Even if she did, who really wants to feel like they are nagging a man to get up and giving him lists of "tasks," I know I couldn't be bothered with that - easier to just get on with it. But here, I just think she wants him involved to a minimal extent with his kids and this is her resentment.

And yes, the attitude towards SAHMs on here is disgusting.

And it says a lot about this site that when the OP, as a SAHM, said she has an income, the first thing people conclude is that it must be adult work. Wtf? Ever heard of a woman who has savings, or perhaps a rental income, or an investment portfolio?

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byrons · 05/09/2022 11:37

You are missing the crucial point chilliesandspices. She just wants him to see his kids. Actually, more than that, she wants him to WANT to see his kids.

^ This

The OP is married with kids. It should be a partnership in all things. Her DH is behaving as if he has no family responsibilities. How sad for the children to hardly ever see their DF.

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DooLallyy · 05/09/2022 13:18

I don't think anybody has suggested that OP's DH shouldn't be doing anything, lots of people have given suggestions that he could be doing an hour or so of housework before going out to work.
He could clean, prepare meals, do some household admin etc. But asking him to get up at 7am to do the school run when he probably got to sleep at around 2am because "I don't like doing the school run" is unreasonable IMO.

The fact that her DH does nothing around the house is a whole other thread. The question was is she being unreasonable to expect him to do the school run every morning, the majority of people think under the circumstances she is.
If the question was AIBU to expect DH to do some housework before he goes to work, then I'm sure the response would have been completely different.

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mandalala · 05/09/2022 14:02

Again... housework is neither here not there really. The OP is not posting about that! She wants him to see his kids. Even if he won't do the school run, he could get up and make / have breakfast with them at least. Something! Just so they can clap eyes on him.

Personally, I would not get my DH out of bed to do vacuuming or laundry! That would just seem churlish. But I would not be happy if he never made an effort to see his kids and planned to continue like that indefinitely. And I say this as a SAHM whose husband works very long / irregular hours plus a lot of overseas travel and is probably a workaholic. There is no way he'd want to sleep through seeing the kids in the morning if he never saw them any other time.

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KettrickenSmiled · 05/09/2022 14:13

mandalala · 05/09/2022 14:02

Again... housework is neither here not there really. The OP is not posting about that! She wants him to see his kids. Even if he won't do the school run, he could get up and make / have breakfast with them at least. Something! Just so they can clap eyes on him.

Personally, I would not get my DH out of bed to do vacuuming or laundry! That would just seem churlish. But I would not be happy if he never made an effort to see his kids and planned to continue like that indefinitely. And I say this as a SAHM whose husband works very long / irregular hours plus a lot of overseas travel and is probably a workaholic. There is no way he'd want to sleep through seeing the kids in the morning if he never saw them any other time.

You make a good point here @mandalala.
But several PP have suggested ways to OP that her H can step away from the business for a few hours each day, so he can spend time with their DC.

She's not only not acting on them she refuses to acknowledge them.

There's no helping people who are determined to be right rather than happy.
And OP is SO deeply convinced she's right.

I think her H is using the business to avoid her. It hasn't done him much good, she's already browbeaten him into accepting some of the much-disputed school runs. What she's offered or suggested in exchange, to relieve his working hours, she hasn't divulged (but we can all guess it's fuck-all).

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Inwiththenew · 05/09/2022 14:32

I think that because he works so late and you are up anyway you should do the school run. I’m a SAHM too and know what it’s like! Maybe you could trade some other job with him. People make comments that you should basically be so grateful to be a SAHM that you should gladly be a total doormat in the home. It really shouldn’t be like that though.
You just need to work it out with your hubs so neither of you feels put upon.

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byrons · 05/09/2022 14:33

@KettrickenSmiled

We don't know that she has "brow beaten"
Dh into doing some of the school runs just like we don't know that she's offered "fuck all" in exchange.

And what about the pressure on her? I'm sure she's the default parent in their arrangement and she's the one who no doubt supports the children emotionally as well, gets up when they wake in the middle of the night etc.

Even the onus of attempting to resolve this is falling to her. Ridiculous!

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Somuchgoo · 05/09/2022 14:36

mandalala · 05/09/2022 14:02

Again... housework is neither here not there really. The OP is not posting about that! She wants him to see his kids. Even if he won't do the school run, he could get up and make / have breakfast with them at least. Something! Just so they can clap eyes on him.

Personally, I would not get my DH out of bed to do vacuuming or laundry! That would just seem churlish. But I would not be happy if he never made an effort to see his kids and planned to continue like that indefinitely. And I say this as a SAHM whose husband works very long / irregular hours plus a lot of overseas travel and is probably a workaholic. There is no way he'd want to sleep through seeing the kids in the morning if he never saw them any other time.

The OP isn't asking him to do it to spend quality time with the kids. That as a fringe benefit was only mentioned earlier. Her main reason, as expressed in her first post was that she 'doesnt like' the school run.

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Dutch1e · 05/09/2022 14:52

sidewayswalking · 03/09/2022 21:26

How is he financially supported by her? He pays 40% to her 60%, which could easily because she has another child which is not his, so her 'expenses' are more.

The 40% comes from another income. The shop loses money AND he has opted out of family life (apart from the bins and the morning school run that he wants to stop doing).

He could contribute 40% of the money and 50% of the house/parenting.

The business is his dream that OP is funding with her energy and with her money. And the kid(s) are funding it with their robbed time when he should be a father.

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GlitteryGreen · 05/09/2022 15:37

I agree with @Dutch1e , it doesn't sound like he's out 12hrs a day desperately trying to provide, he's pursuing his own dreams of launching this business?

Nothing wrong with that of course, but it doesn't mean you can just jack in your role of husband and father and never spend any time with your children. It sounds very much like mornings are the only time that he crosses paths with the children during the week as he's home way after their bedtimes.

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Purplelion · 05/09/2022 20:17

I can’t believe how much time I’ve wasted reading this thread and I STILL don’t know what the OPs source of income is!

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