Expecting HIM to do school run?

[Brighton5555]

Just wanted to get a idea if I’m out of order .
My Dh runs his own business and works long hours normally getting home at 12.30am..

I am a stay at home mum to our child plus my elder child who has sen.

We have a agreement where Dh takes our son to school each morning and I do all pick ups.

He has said as he’s is working so hard at his shop it’s really not fair for him to get up at 8.15am Monday to Friday to do this .. hinting I should do it .

I don’t like school runs but do all pick ups. I also do all the housework / cooking / cleaning / appointments / admin/ planning/ paying bills / taking kids to clubs / activities .. you know the list is endless.

The only things my husband does is this school run and taking the bin out once a week. Nothing else .

some might think as I’m a stay at home mum I should do it but if I do ( I’m already up each morning and all the work of getting the kids ready for school is done , he literally just drives our child ) then he literally does one thing a week - the bin.

I could take my child but I don’t see why I should. I get he works long hours and in the summer holidays he’s been getting up at 10.30am every morning so to have to wake up at 8.15 he isn’t going to like but he doesn’t have to do it during the holidays / half terms and weekend …

Am I wrong ? am I being lazy ?

[KettrickenSmiled]

@Maryminx

I agree!
However, I feel that the school run thing is just the tip of the iceberg.
Do something for yourself, even one hr a week swim or walk.

Good advice. OP has 30 free hours a week to take it in.

[Givemethereins]

Wow I'm so shocked to see the utter disregard for the huge workload of the poster as a sth mother and the utter lack of responsibility the hisband is expected to take. The level of bitterness and one sided response makes me cringe. Why is it ok to expect her to carry the whole family the way the poster does, with NO relief, no breaks, no time off!?
Where is the shared responsibility for childcare? Where is the shared workload of a partnership?
He's laughing all the way to the bank. AND your kids don't have a father.
If he.wants to relinquish all drop offs then he better start paying YOU for them. I.would demand he put a substantial more money into you and the family.
Good luck OP I think you need a review and a big conversation about this whole set-up.

[ReneBumsWombats]

Why is it ok to expect her to carry the whole family the way the poster does, with NO relief, no breaks, no time off!?

She won't tell us what she does in the 30 hours a week the kids are at school.

[Thisisashitshow]

Why wont you answer the question about finances?

[mandalala]

'She won't tell us what she does in the 30 hours a week the kids are at school.'

Well why should she?

What do you think she's doing? Food shopping; sorting the house out; random things for kids; doing HIS laundry and ironing because (according to this thread) he can't possibly do that AND a job (!); being available if her eldest with SEN has appointments etc. Every day will be different. Basically, she does everything for the family that is not his job. What would you like - a breakdown of when she goes to the loo?

[mandalala]

"Why wont you answer the question about finances?"

Agsin why should she?

She doesn't work so probably she is taking money out of her savings or an inheritance or a settlement from a previous marriage or a bonus from a previous job.

In other words, the family are propping up his business out of (her) their savings.

All this guy does is a job - nothing else. And it's a job that doesn't even cover his family's living expenses.

[Kgiggl3s]

It’s crazy to be that people think because he works 6 days a week he shouldn’t do anything.

Is it not crazier for you to think that as a full time SAHP your very very full time working partner should be up at the crack of dawn to do the school run for you? As you asked, yes I do think this is lazy. Your poor husband. And yes, I say 'for you' as you have chosen not to work and to be a SAHP (which is fine) but this inevitably includes school runs. If you worked, then yes roles need to be shared equally. But as you don't, this is literally the point of a SAHP....

[ReneBumsWombats]

She won't tell us what she does in the 30 hours a week the kids are at school.'

Well why should she?

Because she's asking us what we think of their situation and division of labour. There are currently 30 hours in her week that are unaccounted for. If she wants to know what we think, she needs to tell us what their situation actually is.

[itsgettingweird]

@KnickerlessParsons

I don’t like school runs but do all pick ups. I also do all the housework / cooking / cleaning / appointments / admin/ planning/ paying bills / taking kids to clubs / activities .. you know the list is endless.

Most people manage school runs PLUS everything else you mentioned.
If you really want everything to be equal, get a job and take the pressure off your DH. THEN you can split the daily chores equally too.

Only got this far so apologies I've not read further - will read from here.

But absolutely this.

You say he's only making a financial "contribution".

Well where is your financial contribution coming from? (I know this has been asked and I may see the answer as I read on).

But you are doing what some of us have to do alone. But it's split between 2 adults as work and home jobs. You can work. I've worked raising my Ds with send alone since he was 1 and he wasn't able to get himself to and from school even at 15.

I think unless he's working 7 days a week then At weekends you get 1 lie in each and he can do some other jobs such as mowing the lawn etc at weekends or can take the boys out for some time and you get a break.

But unless you are staying up until 12.30am when he gets home I don't see why he should have to get up and do school run because you dont like it.

[itsgettingweird]

@Brighton5555

Why is everyone obsessed with me being a stay at home mum but having money ??? This was never the point of my post and the reason why I won’t divulge how I receive a income … it’s not about that !

Because you need to answer a question in context.

The context you've given is he works until gone midnight and you want him to do school runs because you don't like them.

No one agrees with you as you are a SAHP.

So if you want us to see it from your POV then we need that information to be able to do so.

[Pinkyxx]

Single Mum here, I work long hours and frequently work till gone midnight as I have to split my work day up to be Mum and do stuff like school runs... I do everything else, all of it - the admin, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, appointments, paying the bills... I carry the caring load and the financial load.

You are incredibly fortunate if you have an income which you don't have to work for and honestly, I think you're pretty unreasonable to expect your DP to do the school runs because you don't like them. Have a think about how fortunate you are to be able to be there with your children and not have to balance that with working like a vast majority of us do!

[Montymorency]

So to summarise:
you don't respect him
you don't even like him
you speak as though he is one dimensional, working or sleeping but with no life outside those two states
everything is about money for you
Wonder why he's with you and your famed 60% tbh

[knittingaddict]

@Maryminx

I agree!
However, I feel that the school run thing is just the tip of the iceberg.
Do something for yourself, even one hr a week swim or walk.

Is this a wind up post? The op has 6 hours a day to do something for herself and hasn't said once that she doesn't get the opportunity. Did you read the op's posts?

[knittingaddict]

@mandalala

'She won't tell us what she does in the 30 hours a week the kids are at school.'

Well why should she?

What do you think she's doing? Food shopping; sorting the house out; random things for kids; doing HIS laundry and ironing because (according to this thread) he can't possibly do that AND a job (!); being available if her eldest with SEN has appointments etc. Every day will be different. Basically, she does everything for the family that is not his job. What would you like - a breakdown of when she goes to the loo?

I've been a sahm. It does not take up the whole day at all. I would have had plenty of free time once the children went to school. I wasn't overworked, but I was bored and a bit lonely at times.

[KettrickenSmiled]

@Givemethereins

Wow I'm so shocked to see the utter disregard for the huge workload of the poster as a sth mother and the utter lack of responsibility the hisband is expected to take. The level of bitterness and one sided response makes me cringe. Why is it ok to expect her to carry the whole family the way the poster does, with NO relief, no breaks, no time off!?
Where is the shared responsibility for childcare? Where is the shared workload of a partnership?
He's laughing all the way to the bank. AND your kids don't have a father.
If he.wants to relinquish all drop offs then he better start paying YOU for them. I.would demand he put a substantial more money into you and the family.
Good luck OP I think you need a review and a big conversation about this whole set-up.

Wow I'm so shocked to see the utter disregard for the huge workload of the poster as a sth mother and the utter lack of responsibility the hisband is expected to take.
A 75 hour a week is a much more huge workload than being a SAHM to 2 school age DC.
75 hours that the H is putting in to better the family's finances. No doubt his debt, which his wife so sneeringly refers to, was accrued in setting up this business, which is still in its initial year. Once he starts turning a profit, OP will be a lot happier, as she has already observed that she'd be entirely happy being a SAHM & doing ALL the household work so long as her H pays all the bills -
I think if I was a woman able to stay home because my partner was grafting and taking care of all my financial needs I would be very happy to do everything but like I said it’s not the case here .

The level of bitterness and one sided response makes me cringe. Why is it ok to expect her to carry the whole family the way the poster does,
It's not one-sided, because she doesn't carry the whole family.
She pays 60% of the family costs. Which, considering that only 1 of the DC is her H's, & he is investing all his time & resources into trying to better their situation, fair enough.

with NO relief, no breaks, no time off!?
What are you on about - no breaks, @Givemethereins?
She has 6 hours off, 5 days a week.
That's 30 bloody hours a week of relief, breaks & time off!
PLUS all the evenings once her DC are settled, while her H works til 12:30am.

What's really going on here, if we are to believe her claims about her invented by dripfeed when responses weren't siding with her mysterious unearned income, is that she is pissed off about having to put her hand in her own pocket.
She'd be perfectly happy with the arrangement so long as her H paid 100% of their costs - she said so herself.
So this has sod-all to do with division of labour - as nobody can dispute that H's hours are WAY more onerous than OP's - & everything to do with her being a dissatisfied & venal woman who is pissed off her H gave up employment to go self-employed.

There is SUCH a simple solution to what she presents as her woes, but she won't take it, or even acknowledge it despite several PP's asking her about it.
He does the school runs, & more at home generally - she does several hours in the business.
They both get downtime, he gets to see more of the DC, & they would be truly sharing the business & family life.
But OP won't do that. She doesn't want to work - just use her fictitious? mystery income to wrongfoot & undermine her H with, as she obviously feels she should be a lady of leisure.

[oosha]

Loads of bs comments from people who have been brainwashed into thinking each parent shouldn’t be 50:50. His job is his choice, he should still do his half of the parenting and I don’t see what the issue is dropping the kids off if you get them ready in every other sense. The 60s have long gone where you should be doing everything as a woman. Maybe you get a job where you have to leave the house also and let’s see how well that works.

[averageavocado]

@luxxlisbon

So your entire life, rent/ mortgage, all bills etc is funded 60/40 by you and DH and yet not a single penny of that money is from a job or the government? OKAY

Maybe op could help out the government with her magic money tree?

[mandalala]

My god, I can only imagine the relationships some women must be in if they think this guy is so awesome. It's frightening actually.

The point is - the definition of a SAHM is someone who is not working - ie NOT contributing financially.

The quid pro quo in that type of set up is the other partner is freed up to focus on work so that he / she can financially support the family (usually where one earns a lot more than the other). In return, they know things are taken care of at home and no childcare costs / worries / juggling time off etc.

Except that here, the DH is fully facilitated by OP to focus on his "dream" business - not only practically (because she does everything for him and the kids and in the house), but also financially - because she having to largely find the family as well!

Four people in this house. He contributes 40% we are told. So that covers his 25%, (as one member of a family of four) plus not even the cost of one of his children! The OP is covering the rest out of what must be some form of savings.

This guy is living the dream - the hotel life! He gets to focus on his "dream business" 12 hours per day. Everything is taken care of at home - he doesn't have to think about food shopping, cooking, laundry like any other adult. His kids are taken care of.

Meanwhile, OP is on her own every evening. She does literally everything for the family that is not his job. She has given up her career to support his "dream" business venture. And what does she get in return - NOTHING. Because if he moved out, she wouldn't need his 40% financial contribution anyway as there would be one less person in the household and he basically only covers himself anyway.

Yet some women seem to hold this man in awe. Christ on a bike - I dread to think what their husbands are like.

[KettrickenSmiled]

Yet some women seem to hold this man in awe. Christ on a bike - I dread to think what their husbands are like.

Don't be daft @mandalala. We know nothing about him, apart from his 13 hour working days, because OP doesn't find him interesting enough to describe a single other thing about him.

I'm not in awe of him & suspect his business might fail as he's chosen a bloody idiotic time to set up another fast food shop. I simply find him less reprehensible than his wife who is coming over as demanding & selfish, & is having a lot of fun dripfeeding giant twists to her tale & gleefully refusing to substantiate them.

[Justbefair]

The school run really isn't that bad if you get to go home after, having to drop kids off at breakfast club extra early then to go to work after every day, then pick them up from after school club to then come home and do the household things on the other hand is. If your husband is getting in so late then it's only fair you do it, maybe he could once in a while but most of us I think have to do the school runs an hour hour early, the times I used to go in at normal start and end of school made me envious of those parents who could do it every day.

[Zwicky]

he probably has worked longer hours than your DH over the years ..,, however, he never lies in and actively WANTS to do school runs etc if he can. It strikes me, that if your DH follows through with his plan of lying in

It really fucks me off when unemployed people or people who work basic hours get all snippy about shift workers, late workers and long day workers having the audacity to get longer than about 90 minutes sleep a night. Getting up past 6am does not constitute a “lie in” when you didn’t get in you bed until 2am. People who don’t work conventional hours have as much right to 8 hours a day rest as everyone else. People are quite happy to pick up a takeaway at 9pm, go to a restaurant or nightclub, get a taxi in the middle of the night, go to a 24hour supermarket, be an inpatient in hospital, call an ambulance but are “oh..I would NEVER have a lie in” when these same service providers aren’t bright eyed and bushy tailed and the crack of fucking dawn.

[PeachyPeachTrees]

He does not need to do morning school run. He is doing the lion's share already. If it's too much for you then have a nap during 9am-3pm when you have the kids at school and no job. You can fit in house stuff and have loads of free time.

[mandalala]

Probably the reason OP does not feel like sharing where her savings / income come from is thst people on here are nasty enough about SAHMs as it is. If she was to divulge she has a trust fund or substantial inheritance, the same posters will be calling her a "spoilt princess" to boot snd the knives will really come out then.

Anyway, what difference does it make where her money comes from? The fact is, she is keeping up her end of the SAHM set-up. He is not. She is practically supporting the family. He is not financially supporting anyone but himself really.

There is an obvious impact to being a SAHM in terms of your CV, loss of personal income and perhaps future earning potential. This disadvantage is borne by OP and OP only. As if that's not enough, she is taking good hit go fund his "dream business" venture which could take years to break even, if it ever does.

All this guy does essentially, is go to work and cover his own costs and a tiny bit extra towards the three other people in his family who by rights he should be financially supporting. That is the deal if you want a SAHW!

If he can't do that (which he can't); then OP should go back to work to protect herself and they should both pay for pre / after / holiday childcare if necessary. Also he can start doing half of all the shopping, cooking, housework and everything else that he is currently oblivious to.

[threatmatrix]

But I’m supposing he’s earning good money for you to have a good life so yes it’s your job to do all the homely stuff. I’d love to be able to stay at home but I work AND have to do all the things you’re doing.

[ReneBumsWombats]

Anyway, what difference does it make where her money comes from?

It makes a difference if the income is entirely passive and therefore takes up none of her time, and the nature of it will affect whether or not it can be said to be entirely of her own effort. Perhaps it's from stocks and shares in her name but for which her husband provided the initial investment, which might change how people feel about it.

I don't know, because she won't tell us. But refusing to tell us looks dodgy. Presumably she thinks it doesn't reflect well on her and the response she wants.