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AIBU?

Expecting HIM to do school run?

771 replies

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 08:36

Just wanted to get a idea if I’m out of order .
My Dh runs his own business and works long hours normally getting home at 12.30am..

I am a stay at home mum to our child plus my elder child who has sen.

We have a agreement where Dh takes our son to school each morning and I do all pick ups.

He has said as he’s is working so hard at his shop it’s really not fair for him to get up at 8.15am Monday to Friday to do this .. hinting I should do it .

I don’t like school runs but do all pick ups. I also do all the housework / cooking / cleaning / appointments / admin/ planning/ paying bills / taking kids to clubs / activities .. you know the list is endless.

The only things my husband does is this school run and taking the bin out once a week. Nothing else .

some might think as I’m a stay at home mum I should do it but if I do ( I’m already up each morning and all the work of getting the kids ready for school is done , he literally just drives our child ) then he literally does one thing a week - the bin.

I could take my child but I don’t see why I should. I get he works long hours and in the summer holidays he’s been getting up at 10.30am every morning so to have to wake up at 8.15 he isn’t going to like but he doesn’t have to do it during the holidays / half terms and weekend …

Am I wrong ? am I being lazy ?

OP posts:

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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Bellsbeachwaves · 03/09/2022 21:05

I mean they are at school 🧐

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Nanny0gg · 03/09/2022 21:12

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 22:39

Thank you .

I am not financially supported by my parents, the government or by any illegal jobs ! 😂 I think that’s my true gripe… because he isn’t the main provider I am yet I’m doing it all alone to support him in his quest to run his own business….

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If your income requires little or no effort on your part then your main 'job' is the home and family when your partner works long hours.

However, he needs to find time to actually be with his family

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Pinkfluff76 · 03/09/2022 21:23

Wow I’m truly shocked at how rude and judgemental people have been to the poster! Her husband is living the dream, supported financially by her, does f all at home, and if he doesn’t want to do the school run it means he doesn’t care about not seeing his kids much. He’s a selfish arse and yet she’s the one being flamed!!

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sidewayswalking · 03/09/2022 21:26

Pinkfluff76 · 03/09/2022 21:23

Wow I’m truly shocked at how rude and judgemental people have been to the poster! Her husband is living the dream, supported financially by her, does f all at home, and if he doesn’t want to do the school run it means he doesn’t care about not seeing his kids much. He’s a selfish arse and yet she’s the one being flamed!!

How is he financially supported by her? He pays 40% to her 60%, which could easily because she has another child which is not his, so her 'expenses' are more.

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masterblaster · 03/09/2022 21:31

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 08:40

It’s a food business so he leaves normally around 11am and comes home around 12.30am.

He works hard but he has no other responsibilities. He completely gets to focus there because I carry everything here .

Ok, he does the school run, and you put a couple of hours in at the business. Sound fair?

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MotherOfDottirs · 03/09/2022 21:32

He works late (but starts late-ish, it seems). If he doesn’t do the morning run, when else is he going to have any time to be Dad to his child?

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MarvelMrs · 03/09/2022 21:46

I would say you should do the school runs but work on and discuss a better set up as a family. Perhaps you could do the school runs but he does some of the other chores between 9.30-10.30am but he also gets a lie in each day. Expecting him to get up early when you are already up and able to go on the school run unreasonable.

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Jewel7 · 03/09/2022 21:53

I think I would do the school run. As he is getting in so late he must be tired. 6 hours sleep probably isn’t enough. But he needs to compromise. Give him some jobs at home. Will he iron or cook at weekends? I understand it isn’t easy for you either as after school is often hectic running round after kids and feeding/bed routine. Maybe when you discuss compromise you need to make times for yourselves also.

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Mumandcarer · 03/09/2022 21:55

But the SEN child doesn’t need 24/7 supervision like some with SEN do including my own two children. Could you not put some hour’s in at the family business? It will relieve some of the pressure for him and he might actually be more willing to take part in family life.

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AmberMcAmber · 03/09/2022 21:59

You’re not being unreasonable - he’s being deliberately unavailable - plenty of people do
12+ hr shifts and STILL have to look after their children between coming home & going back to work, no reason why he should have it different
he’s you are a SAHM but you are not a single parent nor does he work away from home so he needs a dose of reality, having a family is hard… maybe if drop offs are so hard he could do a load of the rest of the work?? Like shop, housework, home admin etc etc?
me & my partner “discussed” this a few weeks back so he’s tried to take on more admin with dog stuff… so far he’s messed up 2 appointments & her annual prescription… yet it was perfectly ‘normal’ for me to be default parent to both actual child & dog & the only one doing home admin, housework & cooking etc… while working same hours to him but I wfh so obviously in his mind that 90min commute was balanced out by doing about 100000 hours of chores…. Sorry but he has a case of unrealised male privilege

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Wafflesnsniffles · 03/09/2022 22:13

If he is working 13 hour days and not getting in until well gone midnight then yes I think yabu to ask him to do all the school drop offs - once a week would be nice but not all five. I would find other chores he could do later in the morning to help but if hes working so hard to provide a home for you............whilst you are a SAHP....... he wouldnt be unreasonable to complain at you I dont think.

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mandalala · 03/09/2022 22:32

Whoever made that disgusting comment about the child with SEN being used as some sort of sympathy card should be truly ashamed.

And all the people frothing at the mouth about the OP's income and speculating she does adult work or something illegal .... well, that says more about you than it does about OP.

OP, I have been a SAHM for about 16 years. I don't have a child with SEN, but I'm sure that won't have been easy for you. I don't have an independent income stream, but in our family, all money would be one and the same anyway, regardless of who earns it. My husband does not work until 12pm every night, but 12 hour days are standard for entrepreneurs such as him. Over the years, he had frequently been overseas as well. Sometimes he has taken risks with various ventures and investments. But it has paid off and he's provided an amazing lifestyle now as well as put four kids through independent schools. So it was worth supporting him because his earning potential was in a different league to mine and you don't make his kind of money watching your hours and working what most people would think of as a standard week.

BUT my point is, he probably has worked longer hours than your DH over the years ..,, however, he never lies in and actively WANTS to do school runs etc if he can. It strikes me, that if your DH follows through with his plan of lying in and then coming home at 12am, he will literally never see his kids in the week. If he's ok with that - hmmm. He's effectively opting out of your family.

I'm struggling to see what this husband brings to your lives really? Let's make a list -

takes bins out once a week
contributes 40% of household income - a.k.a he pays for himself and a marginal extra contribution.

Can you think of anything to add to his list?

Apparently most of MN think he's awesome. I have to say, I'm struggling..,,

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Delatron · 03/09/2022 23:05

Yeah I’m struggling too. He really has opted out of family life and doesn’t even contribute as much as the OP - so is it all worth it?

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user1496146479 · 03/09/2022 23:09

Pinkfluff76 · 03/09/2022 21:23

Wow I’m truly shocked at how rude and judgemental people have been to the poster! Her husband is living the dream, supported financially by her, does f all at home, and if he doesn’t want to do the school run it means he doesn’t care about not seeing his kids much. He’s a selfish arse and yet she’s the one being flamed!!

@Pinkfluff76
Except he is not fully supported by her, he contributes 40% despite OP somehow being the main earner whilest also being a FT SAHP......

OP's husband seems to be building towards the families future

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AccidentalGeordie · 03/09/2022 23:12

@Brighton5555 you are entitled to expect more from your husband. Are we in the 1950s? I believe many mumsnetter that are disparaging wouldn't balk to pay for a cleaner/house help but expect a SAHM to do all those for free. Our society expects women to take carer roles, housework, childcare and to be grateful for their husbands to provide the income that enable them to stay home, when the opposite is true. Women staying at home are enabling their spouses to have a career by being the cheaper childcare, cleaner, admin assistant, etc. So let's flip this, working 12 hours shifts does not excuse you from your parenting responsabilities, does not mean you get to sleep every time to do school run, it means he needs to review and adjust his hours and be a more proactive parent and partner. Maybe not to all school runs but some, take on some of the mental load like life admin and housework, then that releases time for you both to have time together and even for you to help out in the business. You need to sit down and go through all the tasks you do and your work hours and discuss how this needs to change.

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sidewayswalking · 03/09/2022 23:22

Our society expects women to take carer roles, housework, childcare and to be grateful for their husbands to provide the income that enable them to stay home, when the opposite is true.

I think of you read all of OP posts you will see that is exactly what OP wants...

I think if I was a woman able to stay home because my partner was grafting and taking care of all my financial needs I would be very happy to do everything but like I said it’s not the case here .

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Gemcat1 · 03/09/2022 23:45

This is not about DH doing the school run, this is about DH not being involved in the family life. I suggest that he looks to have someone to help out with some of the hours being worked so that his DC know what he looks like. If the business is not earning enough to support someone to help him then is it worth continuing?

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Properjob · 03/09/2022 23:46

Gosh, imagine if the roles in this situation were reversed...can you even imagine the father doing as much as OP is here, while she works in her business? Not in a million. But I do think OP is too fixated by money, in most partnerships one will be on 40%...if you are lucky! Its his lack of parenting thats the issue here, there must be another solution.

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a1poshpaws · 03/09/2022 23:57

Beees · 02/09/2022 09:16

I feel genuinely quite sorry for your partner.

He spends 6 days a week working long shifts, never sees his friends, is perpetually exhausted surviving on only a few hours sleep, doesn't get quality time with his children and has a partner who gets 5 hours a day to herself 5 days a week and yet somehow he's the bad guy because he doesn't want to do the school run.

His life sounds shit.

I'm 100% with @Beees on this. You come across as both spoilt and lazy - I'm not saying you ARE, I can't know that, but you do sound it. And it honestly doesn't sound like either of you are getting much out of your marriage - maybe high time for a sit down talk about whether or not you both want to carry on? (and not a talk at midnight or 7.30am - make a plan with him for a time at the weekend)

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JonahAndTheSnail · 03/09/2022 23:58

I don't think you're being lazy, but I don't think you've provided enough info in your original OP for people to form a balanced opinion. Did you want to be SAHP or would you be equally happy for your DH to take that role? If he's wanting to provide has he shown you realistic figures to suggest, in the long term, his business would allow you to live a comfortable lifestyle with some short term compromises that would equal or exceed your current contribution? On the other hand if he was flaky about money and work/life prior to starting his own business, I can see why you would be pissed off with him.

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BLT2022 · 04/09/2022 00:07

The thing is op that you are probably speaking to a lot of women who do have to work outside the home AND still do the school run because their partner is gone to work and not available to do it. So you either tell us the magic job you have that enables you to contribute to 60% of everything, whilst being a sahm, or keep being an arsehole and speaking down to everyone, your choice. Not really sure why you've started this thread if you're not willing to answer questions 🤷‍♀️

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OldFan · 04/09/2022 00:14

I empathise with you @Brighton5555 and I'm not sure what PP's are getting at.

Your husband seems absent and to take you all for granted and neglect you when it comes to any true involvement in your lives.

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BoogieBoogieWoogie · 04/09/2022 01:07

There are many awful posters on this thread. Really awful.

OP, I agree your partner needs to step up to his responsibilities and play more of a DF role to his child. Them seeing each other for a few hours one day a week is not satisfactory for anyone
YANBU

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Maryminx · 04/09/2022 01:10

I agree!
However, I feel that the school run thing is just the tip of the iceberg.
Do something for yourself, even one hr a week swim or walk.

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Brighton5555 · 04/09/2022 01:22

Thank you everyone x

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