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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is a prick or am I being petulant.

267 replies

deeplydisappointed · 01/09/2022 22:07

Granted , I'm exhausted and hormones are fucked so I didn't say much on our two hour journey in the car.
We have arrived at our destination , a pretty town renowned for its food and atmosphere and are staying ina. Stunning hotel.
We have business to attend to in this town tomorrow.
My partner and I are together for the last two years. We don't live together but spend every weekend together.
We both have kids and full time work etc.
For the last year, he has been coming to mine as he essentially lost his home to divorce and rents are so astronomical that firstly a house cannot be got and secondly , he couldn't afford one for himself and his kids, on top of maintenance etc.
He lives with family for now.
So he has come to mine every weekend.
This is not a problem. I loathe to leave my home at weekends when my kids are at their dads and my partner and we split costs well.
I do crave a weekend away or a holiday but for many reasons that I won't go into, it's not possible. He is presently unwell.

So we are here and when we get here, despite staying in a stunning room in a stunning town, he lays on the bed and flicks on the tv. I also lay on the bed. I'm wrecked and again very unbalanced hormonally.
He passed some comments when I got excited about being here , to the effect of ... it's only a bed/ hotel room.

We're not even paying for it .. company card!

I felt he was a fun sponge and said it.
I said a few hours ago that i wasn't hungry right then when he asked about dinner plans.
Then after nine, I asked what we'd do for dinner.
He announced that the bar was closed( for food)
He knew this, I didn't .
He doesn't have a great appetite right now.
We had an argument.
He suggested I take his car and drive up town to get food for myself.
I feel like finishing with him.
The thoughtlessness, the selfishness and the pure self absorption.
I just want to go home but we have to stay for this event tomorrow .
AIBU ?

OP posts:
Cheeseonbeans · 02/09/2022 09:32

@billy1966

The OP said she loathes to leave her home at the weekends

It works for her as much as him

Iliveonahill · 02/09/2022 09:36

BadNomad · 02/09/2022 09:16

It sounds like the guy just wants a rest. He's gone through a divorce, lost his home, has to live with family, has to come to yours every weekend (because you don't like to leave your house), while working full-time, and all while dealing with post-viral fatigue. Now he's supposed to predict when you will want to eat, even though he asked earlier what you wanted to do and you just told him "not yet", after barely talking to him on the drive there because of hormones or something.

The thoughtlessness, the selfishness and the pure self absorption.

Indeed.

Ignoring the night away and his illness.

I wouldn’t like to have my partner move in with me every weekend. You really have not done the normal dating route because of the pandemic. When do you get quality time with your kids? Does he financially contribute to food and bills every weekend? When does he see his kids?

start again with him. Go back to dating, spend time with your kids on your own. You have got into a rut.

Sge995 · 02/09/2022 09:51

Sounds very boring

Souquet · 02/09/2022 09:53

I totally get where you’re coming from @deeplydisappointed and recently ended a relationship for remarkably similar reasons!

im in my fifties, still have joie de vivre, and just couldn’t deal with the not doing stuff any more.

CoolerThanIceCream · 02/09/2022 09:59

Granted , I'm exhausted and hormones are fucked

So ‘exhausted’, you want to go to dinner after 9pm.

My hormones are fine, but I’m pretty much ready for bed at 9pm.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 02/09/2022 10:03

Considering that it is the first weekend away he could muster a little excitement.

I think you're both just very different people and you would benefit from dumping him and moving on.

You seem to be making all the changes and arranging.

whumpthereitis · 02/09/2022 10:22

I get it. First weekend away, you want a little excitement, yet what you’ve got is the same routine in a different environment. You also want to think your partner is on the same page as you in considering it/wanting to make it special. You don’t want to have to tell him your expectations, because you want him to want the same thing. His illness limits him yes, but he’s not even acknowledged that you may be excited at being away with him, or shown any himself at being away with you. That IS disappointing, and potentially a bad sign for the future due to you not being on the same page in wanting the same things.

That isn’t to say he’s actually being unreasonable. He is ill, he’s not a mindreader, and it’s a business trip rather than a planned romantic getaway. That said, I don’t think you are either tbh.

Summerslam · 02/09/2022 10:22

This sounds like the crossroads in your relationship, and you either continue together, making each other more and more unhappy, or you take the choice to go your separate ways.

Despite his illness and your hormones, you are deeply incompatible.

Spidey66 · 02/09/2022 10:26

Kashmirsilver · 02/09/2022 08:15

The normal series of events is.
Check-in.
Sex.
Check hotel facilities out.
Book restaurant.
Use facilities-pool sauna etc.
Go back to your room to prepare for the evening-more sex.
Meal-drinks.
Back to the room for nightcap-more sex.

Definitely not arrive, put the telly on and stay in the room. Who does that?

I wouldn't have sex 3 times in the evening, and I've not had viral meningitis!

spareroomtears · 02/09/2022 10:31

Maybe you shouldn’t have used a business trip for a romantic weekend away then?

Maybe that’s where the wires are crossed. He’s seeing it for what it is, a business trip and you’re seeing it as some romantic getaway. If it’s for business when is the work part taking place?

perhaps ring fencing time for an actual weekend away that you can both plan and organise would be best?

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 10:32

Granted , I'm exhausted and hormones are fucked so I didn't say much on our two hour journey in the car.
Christ on a bike it's all about you innit OP.
Until your dripfeed that your b/f is still recovering from ME.
Don't you think HE is exhausted, & his hormones are probably fucked?

Why didn't he book a Restaurant for later ?
Why didn't you?
He didn't book anything because you told him you weren't hungry. You didn't inform him that you'd decide to be hungry at 9pm. YOU delayed dinner, yet YOU neglected to find out when the hotel facilities would close, or what alternatives would be available.

You've also been so inconsistent with your narrative it's hard to take you at your word - you seem to flip flop depending on what emotion (petulance?) is driving you in the moment -

I'm sick and tired of all of our lives spent watching tv and eating and sleeping in my home.
or
Yes we do lots together normally.
We are the very best of friends and lovers.
We spend time with our families , our friends , walk, swim, gigs, games and see different places.

Which is it?
Seems this guy can't do anything right for you, & your illness & exhaustion takes such precedence over his that you sulked for the 2 hour car journey to the hotel, got shitty with him when he turned on the tv, probably as a way of avoiding your "not saying much in the car", then pass-agg'ly expected him to read your mind about dinner instead of either finding out timings & availability yourself, or asking him to.
Then blaming him when everything was shut.

If you're going to stick with this guy, you need to accord his feelings & exhaustion as much respect as you do your own, & you need to stop sulking & start speaking up about what you actually want. Because petulance doesn't work long term - it's manipulative & self-defeating.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 10:34

You don’t want to have to tell him your expectations, because you want him to want the same thing.

This is the absolute definition of passive-aggression & avoidance of personal responsibility! Until OP acts like an adult & voices her wishes & needs, she is not going to get them met.

giveovernate · 02/09/2022 10:40

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 10:32

Granted , I'm exhausted and hormones are fucked so I didn't say much on our two hour journey in the car.
Christ on a bike it's all about you innit OP.
Until your dripfeed that your b/f is still recovering from ME.
Don't you think HE is exhausted, & his hormones are probably fucked?

Why didn't he book a Restaurant for later ?
Why didn't you?
He didn't book anything because you told him you weren't hungry. You didn't inform him that you'd decide to be hungry at 9pm. YOU delayed dinner, yet YOU neglected to find out when the hotel facilities would close, or what alternatives would be available.

You've also been so inconsistent with your narrative it's hard to take you at your word - you seem to flip flop depending on what emotion (petulance?) is driving you in the moment -

I'm sick and tired of all of our lives spent watching tv and eating and sleeping in my home.
or
Yes we do lots together normally.
We are the very best of friends and lovers.
We spend time with our families , our friends , walk, swim, gigs, games and see different places.

Which is it?
Seems this guy can't do anything right for you, & your illness & exhaustion takes such precedence over his that you sulked for the 2 hour car journey to the hotel, got shitty with him when he turned on the tv, probably as a way of avoiding your "not saying much in the car", then pass-agg'ly expected him to read your mind about dinner instead of either finding out timings & availability yourself, or asking him to.
Then blaming him when everything was shut.

If you're going to stick with this guy, you need to accord his feelings & exhaustion as much respect as you do your own, & you need to stop sulking & start speaking up about what you actually want. Because petulance doesn't work long term - it's manipulative & self-defeating.

All
This!

whumpthereitis · 02/09/2022 10:43

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 10:34

You don’t want to have to tell him your expectations, because you want him to want the same thing.

This is the absolute definition of passive-aggression & avoidance of personal responsibility! Until OP acts like an adult & voices her wishes & needs, she is not going to get them met.

Oh, I agree it’s absolutely something to communicate, and OP could have saved herself the disappointment, and them both a miserable time, and spoken to him.

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable, but I also get the desire of wanting your partner to be on the same page and not have to tell them something that to you was obvious and didn’t need telling.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 02/09/2022 10:54

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 10:32

Granted , I'm exhausted and hormones are fucked so I didn't say much on our two hour journey in the car.
Christ on a bike it's all about you innit OP.
Until your dripfeed that your b/f is still recovering from ME.
Don't you think HE is exhausted, & his hormones are probably fucked?

Why didn't he book a Restaurant for later ?
Why didn't you?
He didn't book anything because you told him you weren't hungry. You didn't inform him that you'd decide to be hungry at 9pm. YOU delayed dinner, yet YOU neglected to find out when the hotel facilities would close, or what alternatives would be available.

You've also been so inconsistent with your narrative it's hard to take you at your word - you seem to flip flop depending on what emotion (petulance?) is driving you in the moment -

I'm sick and tired of all of our lives spent watching tv and eating and sleeping in my home.
or
Yes we do lots together normally.
We are the very best of friends and lovers.
We spend time with our families , our friends , walk, swim, gigs, games and see different places.

Which is it?
Seems this guy can't do anything right for you, & your illness & exhaustion takes such precedence over his that you sulked for the 2 hour car journey to the hotel, got shitty with him when he turned on the tv, probably as a way of avoiding your "not saying much in the car", then pass-agg'ly expected him to read your mind about dinner instead of either finding out timings & availability yourself, or asking him to.
Then blaming him when everything was shut.

If you're going to stick with this guy, you need to accord his feelings & exhaustion as much respect as you do your own, & you need to stop sulking & start speaking up about what you actually want. Because petulance doesn't work long term - it's manipulative & self-defeating.

👏🏼

AchatAVendre · 02/09/2022 11:03

BadNomad · 02/09/2022 09:31

She says I loathe to leave my home at weekends when my kids are at their dads and my partner. It suits her this way. She doesn't want to have to go to his even if he had his own place.

He asked her about dinner and she didn't want any. She wasn't hungry until after 9pm! Seriously, what do you think her reaction would have been if he'd disturbed her at 7pm and said table is booked? They aren't in the middle of nowhere. They have a car. She wasn't being forced to starve. Did you miss the bit about her being a mardy arse, barely talking to him on the 2-hour drive there? The tone was set before they'd even arrived.

Show quote history

I'm honestly shocked at the low expectations some people have of men. She literally hosts this man, weekend after weekend. Whether it suits her or not (because she has children with her and he doesn't because the other woman in his life is no doubt taking care of that), it suits him far more.

Then they go away to a hotel together, even though they can only do so because its a business trip, the OP is excited and this man cannot even be bothered to organise what the OP no doubt for him every single weekend by picking up a phone.

The after effects of his illness don't stop him working full time so they don't stop him organising dinner. This man sounds completely incapable of taking the initiative. And you can see why. There are literally hordes of women out there willing to organise the poor darling's life for him and not expect a single bit of consideration in return.

I suspect the OP's attitude is because she hosts him every single weekend, and he hasn't done enough to provide a balance in this relationship. She sees the trip as a break from her normal routine, he sees it as yet another opportunity not to lift a finger. He has literally got his feet under her table now, why should he bother when they're away?

SaSamhradh · 02/09/2022 11:03

I agree with @TheFlyingFox

In MN terms aren't you a 'nurse with a purse'?

AchatAVendre · 02/09/2022 11:04

whumpthereitis · 02/09/2022 10:43

Oh, I agree it’s absolutely something to communicate, and OP could have saved herself the disappointment, and them both a miserable time, and spoken to him.

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable, but I also get the desire of wanting your partner to be on the same page and not have to tell them something that to you was obvious and didn’t need telling.

Show quote history

Honestly really shocked that so many people think its all right for adult men to have to be told that their partner would like to eat dinner when staying in a hotel!

giveovernate · 02/09/2022 11:07

@AchatAVendre have you read the OPs posts?

Owlsinmybedroom · 02/09/2022 11:11

AchatAVendre · 02/09/2022 11:04

Honestly really shocked that so many people think its all right for adult men to have to be told that their partner would like to eat dinner when staying in a hotel!

Show quote history

Honestly really shocked that anyone think its alright for adult women to tell their partners they don't want food when they are trying to arrange dinner and then get in a huff when the food they didn't want doesn't materialise

alwaysdarkestbeforedawn · 02/09/2022 11:22

So he tried to make dinner plans and, instead of making dinner plans you just said you weren’t hungry. Why didn’t you make a plan for later on at that point? Then, after 9, when you suddenly decide you are hungry you expect him to just jump and be ready to go out? You expect him to have sympathy for your health problems but seem to have none for his. You’re annoyed because you didn’t want to sit in a hotel room all evening but, instead of suggesting to your partner that you go out and do something, you just assume he’ll say no and come and whinge about it on Mumsnet. You sound incredibly unreasonable.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 11:24

Honestly really shocked that so many people think its all right for adult men to have to be told that their partner would like to eat dinner when staying in a hotel!

Honestly shocked that an adult woman is incapable of ordering her own dinner, or finding out when the restaurant closes. Especially when she has informed said man that she is not hungry & doesn't want to eat.

Novum · 02/09/2022 11:25

AchatAVendre · 02/09/2022 11:04

Honestly really shocked that so many people think its all right for adult men to have to be told that their partner would like to eat dinner when staying in a hotel!

Show quote history

He didn't have to be told. He wanted to organise dinner, OP said she wasn't hungry. By the time she decided she was, it wasn't available in the hotel. OP could have checked the information about mealtimes just as he did, she could have suggested booking a table for later, she could have organised a delivery. In fact, given that it's a "stunning hotel" I'm willing to bet they offer room service.

If OP's partner were in good health, I would accept that he could have been more proactive. But, for a man receiving from meningitis who has a working day ahead, I do think he's entitled to quite a lot of slack here.

Testina · 02/09/2022 11:27

@AchatAVendre you really need to read before posting.
He was the first one to ask about dinner plans - it’s OP that said she wasn’t hungry 🤷🏻‍♀️

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 11:31

I'm honestly shocked at the low expectations some people have of men. She literally hosts this man, weekend after weekend. Whether it suits her or not (because she has children with her and he doesn't because the other woman in his life is no doubt taking care of that), it suits him far more.
Where are you getting "whether she wants to or not" from?
She has him over to hers because she wants him there.
She also says she doesn't want to go out & prefers to stay at home - neatly contradicting herself from a previous statement listing all the activities & social events they frequent.
She doesn't mention his contact with his DC so you are making wild assumptions there too.

Then they go away to a hotel together, even though they can only do so because its a business trip, the OP is excited and this man cannot even be bothered to organise what the OP no doubt for him every single weekend by picking up a phone.
You don't know what she organises. For all you know, he rocks up every weekend with a bag full of food & cooks it for her.

The after effects of his illness don't stop him working full time so they don't stop him organising dinner. This man sounds completely incapable of taking the initiative. And you can see why. There are literally hordes of women out there willing to organise the poor darling's life for him and not expect a single bit of consideration in return.
Why was it his job to organise dinner?
Sounds like a pile of sexist claptrap from the kind of woman who wants to be 'treated like a princess'.
You also don't seem to understand how ME works. His full time job is probably as much, & more, than he can manage to hold together, while he is still in recovery.

I suspect the OP's attitude is because she hosts him every single weekend, and he hasn't done enough to provide a balance in this relationship. She sees the trip as a break from her normal routine, he sees it as yet another opportunity not to lift a finger. He has literally got his feet under her table now, why should he bother when they're away?
What evidence do you have of him not lifting a finger?
Maybe, along with the food shopping bags, he rocks up with a pinny, a Karcher, a Dyson & a feather duster.
You just want to blame the man, & seem to believe that this business trip for 2 exhausted & run-down people should have been set up like a Bridget Jones mini-break with the Hugh Grant character.