To think he is a prick or am I being petulant.

[deeplydisappointed]

Granted , I'm exhausted and hormones are fucked so I didn't say much on our two hour journey in the car.
We have arrived at our destination , a pretty town renowned for its food and atmosphere and are staying ina. Stunning hotel.
We have business to attend to in this town tomorrow.
My partner and I are together for the last two years. We don't live together but spend every weekend together.
We both have kids and full time work etc.
For the last year, he has been coming to mine as he essentially lost his home to divorce and rents are so astronomical that firstly a house cannot be got and secondly , he couldn't afford one for himself and his kids, on top of maintenance etc.
He lives with family for now.
So he has come to mine every weekend.
This is not a problem. I loathe to leave my home at weekends when my kids are at their dads and my partner and we split costs well.
I do crave a weekend away or a holiday but for many reasons that I won't go into, it's not possible. He is presently unwell.

So we are here and when we get here, despite staying in a stunning room in a stunning town, he lays on the bed and flicks on the tv. I also lay on the bed. I'm wrecked and again very unbalanced hormonally.
He passed some comments when I got excited about being here , to the effect of ... it's only a bed/ hotel room.

We're not even paying for it .. company card!

I felt he was a fun sponge and said it.
I said a few hours ago that i wasn't hungry right then when he asked about dinner plans.
Then after nine, I asked what we'd do for dinner.
He announced that the bar was closed( for food)
He knew this, I didn't .
He doesn't have a great appetite right now.
We had an argument.
He suggested I take his car and drive up town to get food for myself.
I feel like finishing with him.
The thoughtlessness, the selfishness and the pure self absorption.
I just want to go home but we have to stay for this event tomorrow .
AIBU ?

You obviously have no empathy for his condition, you need to do him a huge favour and leave him.

He is exhausted and has been living out of a suitcase.

I used to travel a lot and staying in a hotel wasn’t and still isn’t a big deal. I can’t get excited about that. And if I was ill and had been travelling for a few hours then I probably would just have wanted to crash out.

But there is nothing wrong with you wanting a more exciting life and not have someone with so many issues. If he is improving you can either wait it out or ditch him.

I can completely understand how fed up you are. Why not tell him to leave it next weekend so that you have a weekend on your own? Try to see some friends and go out for a meal and a drink with them. You might find you prefer it when he's not there.

Oh dear, I can see it from both your perspectives. I’d have been really disappointed in your place too. My DH has done stuff like this in the past so I understand

OP,

I don't think you are one bit unreasonable.

He may be recovering but he has no need to mock your excitement.

I think you need a break from him.

You definitely need a break from him staying at yours every weekend.

How convenient for him!

You have been supportive of his recovery in a newish relationship.

Your life is hard and he is making it harder.

Who is supporting you and looking after you?

No one I guess.

Whatever about his recovery, he sounds self absorbed.

Turning "footie" on the tv?

Selfish.

Not telling you the bar was closed when he knew?

Thoughtless.

Take a break from him.

Start doing some nice things for YOU.

I think you have been this man's carer long enough.

Enjoy your home on hour own for a bit.

So after he declined to tell you the hotel bar shut at 9pm because he wasnt hungry and wanted to watch football on the tv when you got to the posh hotel, then told you if you were hungry to go into the town to get food, he sulked because you did?

Time to call it a day OP.

This. I'm actually a bit shocked by your posts OP. It doesn't mean I'm totally unsympathetic to you but seriously. The guy had fucking meningitis. Give him a chance or acknowledge that you're not the partner for him and call a clean break. You don't have to be with him but you owe it to him not to make life worse for him!

Yeah I'm struggling to see the argument here.

jesus christ op all you've gone on about is how difficult your life is dealing with his illness and you have no sympathy for him whatsoever, he's ill you should just break up now and save him the emotional work that it must take to put up with you, your hormones aren't an exuse for being so horrible to the man you're supposed to love who you claim to be 'best friends' with

I have ME clearly this man is far less affected. It doesn’t work like this at all. I have to constantly remind my dh to do things when I say to do them, to be on my time as I can do it now but not in 2 hours time when it’s too late for me.

Actually this. And it's fine, not everyone is cut out to deal with illness and aging in others. Stay single, have fwb and friends and casual relationships and concentrate on you.

I think this is one of those cases where there's fault on both sides. I can understand you were disappointed as you'd built the trip up in your head and he made you feel small and rejected. However, it also sounds like you were already annoyed with him when you arrived and refusing to discuss dinner plans when he asked was petty. I get it, I can be like this too but I think you need to realise that you're annoyed with him because he's not confirmed to your expectations but it sounds like you've not actually sat down and had a conversation about it and instead left the room for 2 hours last night.

This could all have been sorted out last night if you'd just explained why your feelings had been hurt and then said "I'm not hungry right now but we'll want dinner later so let's book the restaurant for X time."

I don't think either of you know each other that well, and now you are coming to know him better, you are finding out that you are not compatible.

As soon as you mention illness in a man on here, you will be told to be caring, nurturing, etc. But that doesn't suit everyone. I saw how my mother lost her own health by running around after my father when he was ill. Its not for everyone.

You haven't been together all that long, this man has little to offer you. On top of that, even though he has been ill, he doesn't seem to have any consideration for you. It seems to be all one way. Even if he has been ill and had bad luck with his personal circumstances, he doesn't need to bring you down as well. You were excited to be away, you weren't demanding that he spend money on you, you simply wanted him to enjoy the shared experience with you. Instead he has made you miserable.

He passed some comments when I got excited about being here , to the effect of ... it's only a bed/ hotel room.

I think you should end it before he tries to move in with you permanently. Do you own your own home? If so, be very careful here.

The thoughtlessness, the selfishness and the pure self absorption.

You have a partner with post viral fatigue from meningitis, and you are pouting because he didn't book a restaurant when he was tired and you said you weren't hungry, but expected him to know he should have booked it anyway?

All your posts are about how hard his illness has been on you, which I do get (I lived with someone with ME for 6 years) but you just haven't voiced one remark about how hard its been on him.

Honestly the quote above could easily apply to you in this senario.

It seems like its okay for you to be exhausted because of your health problems but not okay for him to be exhausted because of his health problems.

I think you should end the relationship. You’re not cut out to be with someone, who is ill. It isn’t that he’s lost enthusiasm for life. He simply isn’t able. Being chronically ill is a lonely place.

I think you've got a lot of very judgemental and unkind remarks on here OP .You don't explain things very well and I'm sure if you'd put the same facts in a different writing style you'd have had a v different response .

I also agree that it's extremely hard to be 100% supportive of an ill partner .

I agree with these remarks below .

He may be recovering but he has no need to mock your excitement.

You have been supportive of his recovery in a newish relationship.

Who is supporting you and looking after you?
No one I guess.

Not telling you the bar was closed when he knew?
Thoughtless.
Take a break from him.
Start doing some nice things for YOU.

It sounds like the guy just wants a rest. He's gone through a divorce, lost his home, has to live with family, has to come to yours every weekend (because you don't like to leave your house), while working full-time, and all while dealing with post-viral fatigue. Now he's supposed to predict when you will want to eat, even though he asked earlier what you wanted to do and you just told him "not yet", after barely talking to him on the drive there because of hormones or something.

The thoughtlessness, the selfishness and the pure self absorption.

Indeed.

He does sound like a 'fun sponge,' but you don't sound like you're great craic either.

Did you not have any plans for once you got there?
Researched some of the restaurants and made reservations?
Found out what was going on in the area and picked things to do?

The pair of you are disorganised. He is unreasonable for heading straight to telly during your weekend away but you are unreasonable for saying you weren't hungry then expecting to just be fed when you decide you are.

He must have been tired from the drive , put the tv on out of habit.
He did ask you what you wanted to do for food, at that point you should have said I'm not hungry right now but shall we book something for an hours time then you can relax for a bit.
You have built this up as a romantic trip but not communicated this to him, he probably sees it as a business trip.
You don't go out from your house much but he is pinging about from relatives to yours, no home of his own and recovering from illness.
My husband has an illness that causes fatigue, it's rubbish and boring at times but you have to communicate though it

You aren’t well suited, to put it mildly. Just end it, for both your sakes.

He "comes to hers every weekend" because he can't exactly invite his girlfriend to his relatives' house, can he? He doesn't have his own place.

Theres not much of a "prediction" in being aware that most people eat dinner in the evenings really, is there? Its a remarkably low expectation of men that they can't consider booking dinner or even thinking about it. I'm sure the OP usually arranges dinner for this man when he visits her, ill or not I'm sure he is aware that most people eat dinner and could have troubled himself with thinking about it this one time! Thats not a partnership, he just left her to sort herself out because he couldn't be bothered to even mention it.

I think the OP is probably tired of hosting this man all the time.

I think you need to split up OP.

Its not nice to mock someones excitement however light hearted the intention so I competely understand why you're unhappy at that, especially if it happens frequently.

But JFC he is recovering from viral meningitis, a divorce, losing his home and you're expecting him to jump out of bed with a huge zest for life every day. Not to mention you expect him to mindread and then sulk in silence when he inevitably gets it "wrong". It seems like you set traps for him to walk into and punish him when he does. That's toxic.

As others have said, the irony cannot be lost on you that you're expecting huge concessions from him, us and everyone you likely come into contact with because you're going through the menopause (not belittling the impact of this in the slightest) but are unwilling to reciprocate this.

Based on the side of you we have seen from the information you have given, you sound petulant, hypocritical and toxic. You're completely ill-equipped and not cut out to care for a partner with a long term illness so I'd split up now.

YABU!

He isn’t not speaking to you because you went out for 2 hours to eat and get some space though.

I really dislike people ignoring someone rather than sorting stuff out.

But he is in a mood because you were so moody about the whole thing. Because you built this into a romantic trip away when he saw it as a work trip. You didn’t communicate any of it. Then got the arse on.

He did try and make dinner plans. You said you weren’t hungry. Did you offer to sort him something out or communicate and make plans together? But he should have done? He started making plans you said no, but didn’t want to plan for later and then expected that he should have made plans for later. You could have just continued the conversation about where you could look to eat later

sounds like shit relationship to be honest. You don’t want to be with someone who sees things so differently or may not be up to doing the things you want to do. So end it.

Completely agree.

He comes to hers every weekend and no doubt she organises stuff in HER home.

The one night they are away, he couldn't be pleasant.

He's now sulking?

Dump him OP.

You and YOUR home are far too convenient.

She says I loathe to leave my home at weekends when my kids are at their dads and my partner. It suits her this way. She doesn't want to have to go to his even if he had his own place.

He asked her about dinner and she didn't want any. She wasn't hungry until after 9pm! Seriously, what do you think her reaction would have been if he'd disturbed her at 7pm and said table is booked? They aren't in the middle of nowhere. They have a car. She wasn't being forced to starve. Did you miss the bit about her being a mardy arse, barely talking to him on the 2-hour drive there? The tone was set before they'd even arrived.