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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is a prick or am I being petulant.

267 replies

deeplydisappointed · 01/09/2022 22:07

Granted , I'm exhausted and hormones are fucked so I didn't say much on our two hour journey in the car.
We have arrived at our destination , a pretty town renowned for its food and atmosphere and are staying ina. Stunning hotel.
We have business to attend to in this town tomorrow.
My partner and I are together for the last two years. We don't live together but spend every weekend together.
We both have kids and full time work etc.
For the last year, he has been coming to mine as he essentially lost his home to divorce and rents are so astronomical that firstly a house cannot be got and secondly , he couldn't afford one for himself and his kids, on top of maintenance etc.
He lives with family for now.
So he has come to mine every weekend.
This is not a problem. I loathe to leave my home at weekends when my kids are at their dads and my partner and we split costs well.
I do crave a weekend away or a holiday but for many reasons that I won't go into, it's not possible. He is presently unwell.

So we are here and when we get here, despite staying in a stunning room in a stunning town, he lays on the bed and flicks on the tv. I also lay on the bed. I'm wrecked and again very unbalanced hormonally.
He passed some comments when I got excited about being here , to the effect of ... it's only a bed/ hotel room.

We're not even paying for it .. company card!

I felt he was a fun sponge and said it.
I said a few hours ago that i wasn't hungry right then when he asked about dinner plans.
Then after nine, I asked what we'd do for dinner.
He announced that the bar was closed( for food)
He knew this, I didn't .
He doesn't have a great appetite right now.
We had an argument.
He suggested I take his car and drive up town to get food for myself.
I feel like finishing with him.
The thoughtlessness, the selfishness and the pure self absorption.
I just want to go home but we have to stay for this event tomorrow .
AIBU ?

OP posts:
Original poster
deeplydisappointed · 02/09/2022 07:57

Thanks @Fisifoofoo

OP posts:
Just1moreq · 02/09/2022 07:58

deeplydisappointed · 01/09/2022 22:23

Yes we do lots together normally.
We are the very best of friends and lovers.
We spend time with our families , our friends , walk, swim, gigs, games and see different places.
However this past few months have been terribly taxing on us due to his illness.
We are not a fwb. We are partners but it doesn't feel like this tonight.

So in the last few months his health has deteriorated? Before that you were happily enjoying all that. How do you think that decline in his health is affecting him?
What did you want him to do in the room?
He suggested dinner. You said no. What did YOU suggest you did?

Original poster
deeplydisappointed · 02/09/2022 08:00

I suggested we wait till later.
He wasn't hungry either. I didn't know that the restaurant closed at nine. He did . He would t walk or drive uptown for dinner regardless of time so it was to be the hotel
Restaurant or nothing.

OP posts:
NewYorkLassie · 02/09/2022 08:01

deeplydisappointed · 01/09/2022 22:18

I am on hrt for the past year and it's not absorbing. I am back in the throes of meno with hot flushes , deep anxiety and low mood and fucked up joints.
I have large fibroids and am all over the place hence why I wrote this post .
Thanks for responses

You need to read this back to yourself then give the poor guy a break.

Just1moreq · 02/09/2022 08:03

Right. So you're allowed to say no to something you don't want to do, but he isnt?
Why is your illness to be taken into consideration but his is to be minimised?
You sound selfish.

Equallength · 02/09/2022 08:03

This ME-like condition - is it a form of leukaemia? is that why you’re not mentioning the actual name of it?

Wheresthebeach · 02/09/2022 08:08

Equallength · 02/09/2022 08:03

This ME-like condition - is it a form of leukaemia? is that why you’re not mentioning the actual name of it?

Fair question - you’re specific about your health issues but vague about his. What actually does he suffer from?

Original poster
deeplydisappointed · 02/09/2022 08:09

He is recovering from viral
Meningitis for the last few months.

OP posts:
Testina · 02/09/2022 08:09

So is his issue now, that you rejected his suggestion to take his car and drive to town, choosing to walk and therefore being gone for 2 hours? How long would it have taken you to drive instead?

So just because he didn’t want food at gone 21:00, when you’d changed your mind yourself, you went out for 2 hours.

Was that you taking time to see the place, and reasonable that you both understand you won’t always do everything together?
Or was it you in a passive aggressive sulk taking an unnecessary 2 hours to punish him?

FancyFelix · 02/09/2022 08:12

It doesn't sound like this relationship is offering you much OP. I recognise the millstone reference by PP. what do you actually get from being with this man?

Original poster
deeplydisappointed · 02/09/2022 08:13

No sulking at all.
I wanted to be away from the footie on the tv and him being critical of my excitement at being away and the lovely hotel.
I was exited but once again he spoke to me like I was pathetic to be giddy with the luxury and novelty.
It was our first night away in a hotel.
I was deeply disappointed .
My bubble was burst I suppose and he has a habit of that.
I needed space and air.

OP posts:
FitFat · 02/09/2022 08:13

This is a bonkers thread.

AstonMartini · 02/09/2022 08:13

Bloody Hell, OP. Viral meningitis is pretty horrible. I almost can't believe that you could behave like this towards him in this situation (and I have every sympathy with the horrors of menopause, as I'm right in the thick of it). You're basically pissed off with him for being ill. If you don't care enough about him to be kind to him while he's recovering - or if your own hormonal situation won't let you care - then do him a favour and end the relationship. You are being incredibly selfish and unkind, even if you don't mean to be.

Novum · 02/09/2022 08:14

I said a few hours ago that i wasn't hungry right then when he asked about dinner plans.

So he was up for going out earlier and you squashed it. This is not all down to him, is it?

Kashmirsilver · 02/09/2022 08:15

The normal series of events is.
Check-in.
Sex.
Check hotel facilities out.
Book restaurant.
Use facilities-pool sauna etc.
Go back to your room to prepare for the evening-more sex.
Meal-drinks.
Back to the room for nightcap-more sex.

Definitely not arrive, put the telly on and stay in the room. Who does that?

Testina · 02/09/2022 08:16

Something to consider…

You spend every night in your own home, you say you haven’t been away for 2 years?
So yes, a night in a hotel is exciting for you.
But what about him?
He no longer has his own home. He’s with family in the week, and weekends at yours. He’s living the hotel life (as in: not his home, rather than as in luxury) 24/7.
No matter how much you might now say your home is his home, it’s not.
So that hotel is just another night in someone else’s bed!

I spent a year working in Germany, let my flat out, stayed with my boyfriend in the U.K. often. Sometimes, I really missed just having my space. I wonder if that meant his enthusiasm for yet another room belonging to someone else was lower than yours?

Immaterialatthispoint · 02/09/2022 08:16

Kashmirsilver · 02/09/2022 08:15

The normal series of events is.
Check-in.
Sex.
Check hotel facilities out.
Book restaurant.
Use facilities-pool sauna etc.
Go back to your room to prepare for the evening-more sex.
Meal-drinks.
Back to the room for nightcap-more sex.

Definitely not arrive, put the telly on and stay in the room. Who does that?

Someone on a work trip recovering from viral meningitis?

Testina · 02/09/2022 08:18

Kashmirsilver · 02/09/2022 08:15

The normal series of events is.
Check-in.
Sex.
Check hotel facilities out.
Book restaurant.
Use facilities-pool sauna etc.
Go back to your room to prepare for the evening-more sex.
Meal-drinks.
Back to the room for nightcap-more sex.

Definitely not arrive, put the telly on and stay in the room. Who does that?

Bollocks.
A couple 2 years into a relationship who get plenty of 1:1 time at weekends?
You really think the normal course of action is sex 3x in one evening? 🤣

Original poster
deeplydisappointed · 02/09/2022 08:18

He had viral
Meningitis sox months ago and I have been by his side in every way since.
He has improved very much but he has become disinterested in life and anything worth getting excited about

OP posts:
Original poster
deeplydisappointed · 02/09/2022 08:19

Last night was like the straw that broke the camels back

OP posts:
Testina · 02/09/2022 08:20

“My bubble was burst I suppose and he has a habit of that.“

That’s where your decision lies then.

Cheeseonbeans · 02/09/2022 08:21

Kashmirsilver · 02/09/2022 08:15

The normal series of events is.
Check-in.
Sex.
Check hotel facilities out.
Book restaurant.
Use facilities-pool sauna etc.
Go back to your room to prepare for the evening-more sex.
Meal-drinks.
Back to the room for nightcap-more sex.

Definitely not arrive, put the telly on and stay in the room. Who does that?

Someone recovering from a major illness won't be doing that

Maybe read the thread before outing yourself as an idiot

Butchyrestingface · 02/09/2022 08:28

Well, I haven't had viral meningitis (!) recently and I wouldn't want to be eating a meal after 9pm at night. Especially after travelling, and especially if it involves having to go out a-hunting for restaurants because, as everyone knows, kitchens still open after 9pm will be slim pickings.

YOU said you weren't hungry when he suggested going for a meal at a sensible time, so I can't see what he's done wrong. At all.

The relationship doesn't seem to be meeting your needs though, so I would end it.

MichelleScarn · 02/09/2022 08:28

Kashmirsilver · 02/09/2022 08:15

The normal series of events is.
Check-in.
Sex.
Check hotel facilities out.
Book restaurant.
Use facilities-pool sauna etc.
Go back to your room to prepare for the evening-more sex.
Meal-drinks.
Back to the room for nightcap-more sex.

Definitely not arrive, put the telly on and stay in the room. Who does that?

Someone recovering from viral meningitis?

HaveringWavering · 02/09/2022 08:30

Leave him now. You're both only getting older and you are clearly not cut out to deal with illness or weakness in others.