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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is a prick or am I being petulant.

267 replies

deeplydisappointed · 01/09/2022 22:07

Granted , I'm exhausted and hormones are fucked so I didn't say much on our two hour journey in the car.
We have arrived at our destination , a pretty town renowned for its food and atmosphere and are staying ina. Stunning hotel.
We have business to attend to in this town tomorrow.
My partner and I are together for the last two years. We don't live together but spend every weekend together.
We both have kids and full time work etc.
For the last year, he has been coming to mine as he essentially lost his home to divorce and rents are so astronomical that firstly a house cannot be got and secondly , he couldn't afford one for himself and his kids, on top of maintenance etc.
He lives with family for now.
So he has come to mine every weekend.
This is not a problem. I loathe to leave my home at weekends when my kids are at their dads and my partner and we split costs well.
I do crave a weekend away or a holiday but for many reasons that I won't go into, it's not possible. He is presently unwell.

So we are here and when we get here, despite staying in a stunning room in a stunning town, he lays on the bed and flicks on the tv. I also lay on the bed. I'm wrecked and again very unbalanced hormonally.
He passed some comments when I got excited about being here , to the effect of ... it's only a bed/ hotel room.

We're not even paying for it .. company card!

I felt he was a fun sponge and said it.
I said a few hours ago that i wasn't hungry right then when he asked about dinner plans.
Then after nine, I asked what we'd do for dinner.
He announced that the bar was closed( for food)
He knew this, I didn't .
He doesn't have a great appetite right now.
We had an argument.
He suggested I take his car and drive up town to get food for myself.
I feel like finishing with him.
The thoughtlessness, the selfishness and the pure self absorption.
I just want to go home but we have to stay for this event tomorrow .
AIBU ?

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 02/09/2022 00:11

It sounds as though so far your relationship has just gone with the flow - building in what's necessary as and when, so covid, him being homeless, him being ill, you being ill, there's been no conscious decisions made just reacting at the time.

It does sound as though he's maybe taking you for granted a little bit, it's difficult if he's really ill but it's also tough being with someone who only wants to watch TV, eat and sleep, however much you love them.

I think it's time - not tonight but when you get back - for a proper talk about where the relationship is going and what you both want/need from each other and working towards both being on the same page, which you're clearly not right now.

blockpavingismynightmare · 02/09/2022 00:16

I don't think you are compatible. This should have been fun for you and it sounds bloody awful. You need to talk properly and have a think about the future

TedMullins · 02/09/2022 00:32

Why do you expect him to be mindful of your hormonal issues while you’re annoyed with him for having an illness? You do sound selfish and petulant. He can’t help being fatigued any more than you can help what your hormones do to you. Why didn’t you tell him you wanted to go out for a romantic dinner prior to the trip? You didn’t want to eat when he suggested it so he’s entirely reasonable to say you can sort your own food when you finally did want to eat hours later.

Merryweather80 · 02/09/2022 01:01

I've had ME for over 15 years and I have to say it's awful. Some days I can't walk, some days I can't articulate because my head is so fogged up. I slur my speech when tired etc etc. But mostly, I look ok. Life as I knew it - working a 70-hour week, gym, swimming, running a marathon gone in the blink of an eye. I wouldn't wish this or the fibromyalgia I have on my worst enemy.

My point is -If he's going to be like this for the next x amount of days, weeks, months, or years - can you cope with living this life? It will and is affecting you too. You will find yourself doing things without him because he just - can't. It's not something he planned. Did you plan your hormone issue? No. Course not. There's no treatment and literally nothing he can do other than rest/ sleep, to help himself.

Look up spoon theory. It's one of the best explanations of ME to non-sufferers.

He will lose friends, family etc to this illness. I think you need to decide if the new him and yourself are still compatible. He's not doing this to piss you off, it's better he rests now so there's something in the tank for tomorrow.

Yes, it's frustrating but however frustrated, sad, hangry, yearning for your old lives together that you are - he will feel the same way too, most likely.

Get something to eat then sleep. Talk openly together in the morning and try to decide if living like this is something you can do.

Musti · 02/09/2022 01:08

Well it sounds like he has cfs so doesn’t have the energy to do much. You were quiet during the drive and you said you weren’t hungry. 9pm is very late to book a table so you’ll only tend to get takeaways. The problem is you imo

Mudblast · 02/09/2022 01:54

So it sounds like you declined to go out for dinner, and then are annoyed he didnt book something for dinner?

I think you zhould have gone when he suggested it.

I dont understand why you feel like throttling him.

If we were in your scenario and i asked my wife if she wanted to go out for dinner, and she said im not hungry, id assume she was in a strop and telling me she didnt want to go out for dinner with me because shes annoyed at me. I wouldnt then be scurrying around making dinner reservations she doesnt want

Dinner at 9 for someone with a me like illness is unlikely to be successful

Equally it seems reasonable and carinf that he text to see you were okay (presumably after your stormed out). O dont understand why thats annoyed you more

Westernesse · 02/09/2022 02:02

Deranged.

BruceAndNosh · 02/09/2022 02:17

It's not relevant to your current situation, but when does he see his kids?

CheekyHobson · 02/09/2022 02:26

His illness may be difficult for you but perhaps you can understand that it is substantially more difficult for him? You don’t have to endure the pain and exhaustion he is experiencing and although I’m sure you would like to go out and do things with him (as would he, I imagine), if he’s not feeling up to it, you can get up and go out on your own if you want to.

CoolerThanIceCream · 02/09/2022 02:35

He asked you about dinner plans.

You shut that down. And then waited until 9pm to bring it up again….?!

I mean Confused what did you think the options are going to be at 9pm?

And anyway - again - he asked about it, and you stayed lolling on the bed.

I get it - absolutely - you wanted to make the most of the time away. Only YOU didn’t, did you?

NumberTheory · 02/09/2022 03:00

I can see why you’re disappointed. But I think you may still be being unreasonable!

Being with someone who is long term ill (or long term exceedingly hormonal!) can be taxing, even if you love them and there are great aspects to your relationship.

Perhaps you need to stop spending every weekend with him so you can do some of the things you want to do that he can’t do. It doesn’t have to be often, but neither you nor he should feel your lives are totally curtailed by the other

StClare101 · 02/09/2022 03:14

I don’t understand this at all. You sound ridiculous. Most restaurants close their kitchens at nine pm and you said you weren’t hungry.

RNLD1981 · 02/09/2022 03:50

TheNestedIf · 02/09/2022 00:09

I get it.

You've got yourself a millstone. Millstones can't be bothered to do anything. They just tag along with whatever you do and let you arrange anything that doesn't involve sleeping, whilst making it more of a chore because you also have to take their needs into consideration. Like real millstones, eventually, you get tired carrying them.

What an unpleasant thing to say

Dita73 · 02/09/2022 04:06

If he has an illness like ME plus depression he must feel constantly exhausted. I’m amazed he even agreed to go away as when you feel unwell like that even going to the loo is massive effort.
You probably should split up because he’s going to need someone supportive not someone who judges him for every little thing he does or doesn’t do

stillvicarinatutu · 02/09/2022 04:14

Going against the grain - for one - one night - would it really have killed him to get a lift down to the restaurant to have dinner with his partner ???? Then get a lift back to the room ? Yes ME is tiring and debilitating but he's managed to get in the car and presumably is going to the business event ?

If he really really could t manage it I think he should have told you well before the restaurant closed . At least then you could have nipped down to eat alone if necessary but actually in your shoes I'd feel more lonely with a partner who won't do even the smallest thing with me than being alone . (Been there done that and it's less painful being single without expectations)

I don't think you are being remotely demanding op . I'd be assessing if this is the life I want to live day in day out . It sounds lonely .

StoppinBy · 02/09/2022 04:27

deeplydisappointed · 01/09/2022 22:16

The argument is that we are in a rare night away.. he threw himself in the bed to watch tv( same ole same ole) and despite knowing when food was finished and despite us planning to go for dinner tonight, announced after closing that the restaurant was closed .
It all seems in his terms

BUT...... he asked you what you wanted for dinner and you knocked him back by saying you weren't hungry..... why would you expect the bar to serve dinner at 9pm?

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 02/09/2022 04:32

I am sick of our plans being shattered due to his illness . yet you deserve understanding because you’re hormonal? Something which happens to every woman on the planet..

HoppingPavlova · 02/09/2022 04:42

It sounds like you expect a lot of leniency for your hormonal issues, but don’t give him the same consideration for his condition.

This.

Seems he wanted a rest after arriving - who did the driving? Then said ‘let’s go out to dinner’, and you said no, you were not hungry. Then at a time when restaurants would be shutting/shut you decide you want to eat and it’s his fault. He said take the car and go find something but you thought better to strop and create drama.

CoolerThanIceCream · 02/09/2022 04:46

stillvicarinatutu · 02/09/2022 04:14

Going against the grain - for one - one night - would it really have killed him to get a lift down to the restaurant to have dinner with his partner ???? Then get a lift back to the room ? Yes ME is tiring and debilitating but he's managed to get in the car and presumably is going to the business event ?

If he really really could t manage it I think he should have told you well before the restaurant closed . At least then you could have nipped down to eat alone if necessary but actually in your shoes I'd feel more lonely with a partner who won't do even the smallest thing with me than being alone . (Been there done that and it's less painful being single without expectations)

I don't think you are being remotely demanding op . I'd be assessing if this is the life I want to live day in day out . It sounds lonely .

He asked her about dinner - and she said no!!

Teeturtle · 02/09/2022 04:47

deeplydisappointed · 01/09/2022 22:16

The argument is that we are in a rare night away.. he threw himself in the bed to watch tv( same ole same ole) and despite knowing when food was finished and despite us planning to go for dinner tonight, announced after closing that the restaurant was closed .
It all seems in his terms

But he asked about dinner plans and you said you weren’t hungry! I think options are pretty limited by 9pm midweek in much of the UK.

No I don’t see what he has done wrong here.

stillvicarinatutu · 02/09/2022 04:54

Yeah 9pm or later is very late to be expecting a bar meal ....I concede

Andromachehadabadday · 02/09/2022 05:17

I am going to be honest, it’s doesn’t sound like you are the best of friends and lovers and everything is great, apart from him being ill.

Doesnt even sound like his illness has changed him. You got together during a pandemic. When you, yourself, say you had no choice but to hunker down. That suited him. For you it was the pandemic and needed to be done. You assumed he was more like you outside of lockdowns.

It sounds like you are completely incompatible. You built this into a romantic night away, he viewed it as a work trip. Not exciting, just something to be done. You said you were hungry, so why would he make plans for you to eat later. You had access to the same information he did. Not sure how he should have guessed that you would want to eat at 9pm.

You seem to use your hormones as an excuse to rage and then make out his illness is an excuse for how he is.

Sounds like the ‘we are so good together’ is something you have made up in your head and ignored reality. People often do it. They hang on to the early days of the relationship, thinking that that’s how the relationship is. Even though it’s apparent that, that was just the early days and the first flush of excitement that people always have in the early days. And you got together at a time where you couldn’t tell, if you would be happy when the world went back to normal.

i think you need to accept this amazing relationship isn’t the one you have. It’s the one you are imagining.

rwalker · 02/09/2022 05:22

i think you’ve spoilt it for yourself .

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 02/09/2022 05:40

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 02/09/2022 04:32

I am sick of our plans being shattered due to his illness . yet you deserve understanding because you’re hormonal? Something which happens to every woman on the planet..

This. Why do you keep bringing up how you feel, then throwing in he actually does have an illness? This is all on you, he asked you about dinner, you said no then moaned later when it was 9pm. You're the unreasonable one.

ultraviolet4753 · 02/09/2022 05:47

As someone with M.E, married to someone with M.E, you're not a nice person. You need compassion and understanding. His life will have changed completely (loss of job? House? Kids? Health? Friends?). It's a lot to take and many relationships can't manage it unfortunately, many partners think they're not trying hard enough, or don't understand why they could go on a long walk yesterday, but are confined to bed today.

"He always wants to relax"
He's not relaxing, he's pacing, trying to rest enough from the last thing he did, so he can do the next thing.
You can't "relax". You have aches and pains, headaches, terrible nausea and feel like you got hit by a bus all the time. He could sleep all week and still feel like shit when he wakes up,because sleep doesn't fix it.
That's why "his get up and go has gone"

Having an unsupportive partner will not help him either. He is not faking or putting it on, it is proven M.E is real.

He will have needed to rest on the bed from the long drive there, the probable nausea or lack of appetite from it meant he couldn't eat. Wasn't stopping you though.