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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is a prick or am I being petulant.

267 replies

deeplydisappointed · 01/09/2022 22:07

Granted , I'm exhausted and hormones are fucked so I didn't say much on our two hour journey in the car.
We have arrived at our destination , a pretty town renowned for its food and atmosphere and are staying ina. Stunning hotel.
We have business to attend to in this town tomorrow.
My partner and I are together for the last two years. We don't live together but spend every weekend together.
We both have kids and full time work etc.
For the last year, he has been coming to mine as he essentially lost his home to divorce and rents are so astronomical that firstly a house cannot be got and secondly , he couldn't afford one for himself and his kids, on top of maintenance etc.
He lives with family for now.
So he has come to mine every weekend.
This is not a problem. I loathe to leave my home at weekends when my kids are at their dads and my partner and we split costs well.
I do crave a weekend away or a holiday but for many reasons that I won't go into, it's not possible. He is presently unwell.

So we are here and when we get here, despite staying in a stunning room in a stunning town, he lays on the bed and flicks on the tv. I also lay on the bed. I'm wrecked and again very unbalanced hormonally.
He passed some comments when I got excited about being here , to the effect of ... it's only a bed/ hotel room.

We're not even paying for it .. company card!

I felt he was a fun sponge and said it.
I said a few hours ago that i wasn't hungry right then when he asked about dinner plans.
Then after nine, I asked what we'd do for dinner.
He announced that the bar was closed( for food)
He knew this, I didn't .
He doesn't have a great appetite right now.
We had an argument.
He suggested I take his car and drive up town to get food for myself.
I feel like finishing with him.
The thoughtlessness, the selfishness and the pure self absorption.
I just want to go home but we have to stay for this event tomorrow .
AIBU ?

OP posts:
TheNewSchmoo · 01/09/2022 23:06

You sound rather selfish and unpleasant about someone who is poorly. Ever heard of in sickness and in health?

Toottooot · 01/09/2022 23:06

Peer mannie.

Original poster
deeplydisappointed · 01/09/2022 23:09

I am
Perhaps selfish. I have a really tough life and this was a break away from it all.
I'll take that on board .
@Toottooot have no idea what that means

OP posts:
FantasylandEnthusiast · 01/09/2022 23:10

You are being petulant.

itsCORN · 01/09/2022 23:11

Can you really not see the irony of excusing your sulking due to your own health issues while entirely dismissing his? Are you one of those people who thinks ME is just being tired? I’d leave you if I was him

Original poster
deeplydisappointed · 01/09/2022 23:12

I have been anattentive kind and caring partner through all of this l. I can't agree with you in this .

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 01/09/2022 23:16

What do you mean it’s “like an ME”?
Sounds like he wanted to relax and you wanted a date night. Lack of communication?

Original poster
deeplydisappointed · 01/09/2022 23:17

He always wants to relax.
His get and go is gone

OP posts:
Original poster
deeplydisappointed · 01/09/2022 23:18

We don't live together . These nights are precious

OP posts:
Original poster
deeplydisappointed · 01/09/2022 23:18

Especially this one as we haven't gone away in a year and this out first hotel stay away

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 01/09/2022 23:25

Does he have long Covid or is he suffering from depression?
I can understand your disappointment as a night away in a hotel is always a treat and special so just lying around watching TV is a pain.
Do you know why his marriage ended? I am wondering if he gets bouts of depression and are you seeing the real him now.

Original poster
deeplydisappointed · 01/09/2022 23:28

No I wouldn't say he gets bouts of depression. Not long covid either .
He is a man of simple tastes but is not great in compromise.
This meant a lot to me and he knew that.
He ont he other hand is happy to sleep, eat, watch tv and have a gentle walk since his illness Z
I am
Mourning what we had and what we could have had

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 01/09/2022 23:29

What actual illness though? Did you make clear what you expected.

greyinganddecaying · 01/09/2022 23:29

I hear you OP - I would feel the same.

I think I'm your shoes I'd sit him down and discuss how you're feeling, that you need more than dinner in front of the TV, especially when you go away for the weekend.

Otherwise you're going to build up resentment.

Original poster
deeplydisappointed · 01/09/2022 23:29

Agreed @greyinganddecaying

OP posts:
BobbysGirly · 01/09/2022 23:35

It sounds like you and your DP want very different things from life. Have you told him what you expect from him? How did he react? Maybe you’d be better off jumping ship now if he’s not willing to meet you half way

elm26 · 01/09/2022 23:38

I'm going to be honest, I think you sound rude and selfish. Especially as you are aware that he is suffering with his health. I'd be miserable if I was him too.

Livpool · 01/09/2022 23:41

BeetrootBeetrootGhali · 01/09/2022 22:52

It sounds like you expect a lot of leniency for your hormonal issues, but don’t give him the same consideration for his condition.

Who drove? If it was him, he was probably wrecked after it.

I agree.

I have severe asthma - if my DH behaved like an arsed sulking because my chest was bad and I didn't feel up to doing anything I would be annoyed with him

Greyarea12 · 01/09/2022 23:48

''He suggested I take his car and drive up town to get food for myself.
I feel like finishing with him.
The thoughtlessness, the selfishness and the pure self absorption.''

Eh? You are completely over reacting. Why can't you do exactly that?

StepAwayFromGoogling · 01/09/2022 23:50

I agree that you sound horribly selfish and self absorbed. Your DP has 'an ME-type' illness that means, presumably, he is exhausted all the time and needs to rest. Hence flopping in front if the TV. You've got the arse because he doesn't want to go out for dinner at 9:30pm and do what you want to do.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 01/09/2022 23:52

There is one thoughtless, selfish and self-absorbed person in this narrative, and it's not your DP.

FatAnneTheDealer · 01/09/2022 23:56

i think we all hope to live up to “in sickness and in health” (because of love - whether or not we took part in a marriage ceremony). And, I think it is not so hard when you are both old.

But those who have not been tested may find it hard to sympathise or understand the feeling of NOT being old tied to someone who suddenly and unexpectedly is (or seems to be). You feel young, you attached yourself to someone who also felt that way and then it all changed.

You love him, so you try. But it is very hard, and sometimes you still want to have fun and the person you now feel tied to just wants to lie down.

It’s especially hard if the illness is mostly invisible and only has vague symptoms, like fatigue.

I think I understand how hard that is. I don’t have any advice, though.

Livpool · 01/09/2022 23:56

Also OP you say you "loathe" to leave your house at weekend when your children aren't home. How is this any different - you do seem rather self-involved

Livpool · 01/09/2022 23:57

*absorbed not involved

TheNestedIf · 02/09/2022 00:09

I get it.

You've got yourself a millstone. Millstones can't be bothered to do anything. They just tag along with whatever you do and let you arrange anything that doesn't involve sleeping, whilst making it more of a chore because you also have to take their needs into consideration. Like real millstones, eventually, you get tired carrying them.