Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I pay for the damage I caused?

395 replies

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 21:14

18 months ago, whilst reversing out of my boyfriend's drive, I accidentally scraped his car with my own. I was, of course, mortified and I offered at the time to go through my insurance and make a claim, or to pay to repair it privately. He told me not to worry about it and it hasn't been mentioned since.

My boyfriends car is on finance and he is now giving it back to the dealership and he is hoping to use his car to negotiate a deal on a new car. He recently got all of the scrapes repaired (including the one I caused) and it cost him just shy of £1,000. There was no mention of me paying anything towards this until after he had got the bill and had already paid. He is now asking me for a contribution of £300 towards the cost, for the scrape I caused. I've said that I'm happy to go through the insurance, but, even though I did offer cash 18 months ago, I now cannot afford to pay privately for the repair due to the cost of living. My boyfriend doesn't want to go through the insurance as he has had to make a claim recently and he worries it will affect his excess and future insurance costs. He's also said it is a lot of hassle to go through the insurance.

I do also find it a little odd to be asking for the money 18 months on, but that's by the by, and I haven't said that to him. Our relationship has moved on to the point where we will be buying a house together soon and it is serious. There's also a large wage disparity between us, I earn a modest wage with a benefit top up and he earns over £100k. That's not to say I shouldn't pay for damage I have caused, it's just the whole situation feels a bit off to me, especially to be asking for the money now so long after the incident.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 01/09/2022 23:22

You insured your car as it's the right thing to do incase you happen to have an accident and it being your fault damage to another persons car will be covered so you have no out of pocket shockers coming your way just the excess to pay.

Normally I'd say you damaged the car so you should really pay but in this case your BF had a chance to get the damage sorted on your insurance at the time but chose not to.
It's highly unlikely that insurance would cover damage for an incident that happened so long ago but he now expects you to lose out by £300 just because he's decided he wants you to pay.
Sorry alarm bells are ringing.

Maybe you should just hang fire on buying a house together for a while. You seem by your own addmission to be doing things for him eg: lending him your car but he doesn't have the decency to make sure it's got fuel in for you once he's returned it.
It really is the little things that are a give away.

Take this as an insight as to what your future could possibly turn out to be like if you decide to buy a house with your BF.

Itwasntright · 01/09/2022 23:22

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 22:17

This time around, when I offered to go through the insurance and said I couldn't pay cash, he gave me a list of reasons like I will have to pay the excess and it's not worth the hassle and my insurance will go up and we will both lose our no claims because he's put another claim in recently. Then proceeded to ask me for the £300.

You would only have had to pay the excess if you were claiming for your car. Not his.

Thatboymum · 01/09/2022 23:22

I don’t think it matters what either of you earn , you devalued his asset and should contribute to the repair costs regardless of any time that has passed . How entitled to think you shouldn’t and why should his insurance costs rise because of your mistake

mondaytosunday · 01/09/2022 23:23

He is wrong about losing the no claims bonus. It's too late now anyway.
One of the things that I loved about my husband was that he was generous and never ever questioned me about what I spent. He earned 20 x what I did and after kids I gave up work. It did feel odd, but he made it clear that we were a partnership and it didn't make sense to pay more for someone else to mind our kids than I earned, and I wanted to stop work to do this.
Think hard about how you will handle the financial side of your life together.

abblie · 01/09/2022 23:24

Ammm no you can't pick and choose when you wanted compensated

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/09/2022 23:25

How are you going to address the discrepancy in your earnings going forwards?

He sounds like a tightwad.

You should have paid to have it fixed when it was done. But 18 months later..? Tells you all you need to know.

Darkstar4855 · 01/09/2022 23:25

If he was on a low income then I’d say try and pay back what you can but if he’s earning over 100K then YADNBU.

To be honest it sounds a little like my financially controlling ex’s behaviour. He would insist that I paid for stuff like bills on random occasions and refused all my requests to give him a regular amount each month in order to manage my finances on my much lower income. It was all about power.

I’m not saying your boyfriend is abusive by any stretch but I’d be wary of moving in with him if he’s still seeing it as “his money” even when he’s the one who’s better off.

KatVonlabonk · 01/09/2022 23:25

Don't move in with him. This is bad sign of things to come.

BadNomad · 01/09/2022 23:26

You can't afford a boyfriend like that. They never become "partners". He is the type who will always expect you to pay for half of his higher lifestyle. But if you go ahead regardless, do not have children with him without being married first.

Serena1977 · 01/09/2022 23:27

Pay the money because you did cause the damage and dump him and thank your lucky stars that he has revealed himself before buying together, kids etc

LorW · 01/09/2022 23:28

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Canthave2manycats · 01/09/2022 23:29

Massive, massive red flag! If he truly loved you, the £300 on his salary would be an irrelevance!

Carefully consider your future with this man! His attitude doesn't bode well

puffylovett · 01/09/2022 23:33

I would pay the excess and make it clear you volunteered to pay at the time and that’s what it would have cost you. Then I would deduct the tank of fuel from that excess, and like others have said, sit down and have an open honest conversation about money moving forward.
if he’s earning 100k and you’re on benefits, what sort of house are you looking at and how does he foresee finances working. You need to be really careful.

babyfrenchie · 01/09/2022 23:39

Give him the £300. It's a great deal for you!

Redsquirrel5 · 01/09/2022 23:39

Work out over 18mths how much it will be weekly and pay him that/ set up direct debit then dump him.

GabriellaMontez · 01/09/2022 23:41

How will you share finances when you live together? Detailed conversation needed.

How do you know he earns 100k?

He sounds cheap.

villainousbroodmare · 01/09/2022 23:44

Glad this happened so that you can see (I hope) that this guy doesn't love you, doesn't even like you, doesn't care about you at all. Run like the fucking wind.

Butterdishtea · 01/09/2022 23:49

He's totally out of order. This is exactly why you pay insurance. He's mean to want his money but not let you give it to him in the way you've made accommodation for, especially when it's so long after the event and the money means so little to him and so much to you. After turning you down at the time, the fact that you're struggling with the cost of living should be enough.

I would be reevaluating everything and not wishing to get more involved.

Foronenightonly01 · 01/09/2022 23:50

Blimey, I think the only sensible thing you can do at this point is to re-iterate that you’re happy to go through your insurance company and then dump him. He is NOT a catch - how is this discrepancy in income going to play out when you buy, when you have kids etc etc. Run for the hills, sorry 💐

Nanny0gg · 01/09/2022 23:50

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 22:03

It makes me feel very uneasy. I offered to sort it at the time. I find it really strange that he's asked for the money so long after the event; I definitely wouldn't do that, even asking a friend I'd feel like a CF. Our relationship has developed so much too, to the point were meant to be aiming to be a team and buy a house together.

I wouldn't say I am poor. I have managed to save a little amount of money, I'm a spend thrift and go without a lot of luxuries that most people consider normal For example, I only have Freeview, and I don't pay for any other TV channels or streaming, I shop at Aldi etc. He knows about my small amount of savings because we are meant to be buying a house together. I have stressed to him how worried I am about money in the next few months, and how I expect to have little to no savings left after this winter, with my fuel bill expected to rise to £400 per month. I also want to add that I do lots of favours for him too, for instance I let him borrow my car for the day whilst his was being repaired, he had to drive quite some distance and now my cars tank is almost empty (not that I would expect or ask him to replace the fuel anyway)! I just find the whole thing odd.

Odd??

Wake up!

For whatever reason he is using you. Find yourself a decent man who will treat you as an equal and share what he has.

Of course he should have replaced the fuel. There's nothing worse than a skinflint

AlbertCookie · 01/09/2022 23:50

Your excess doesn't come into it in this case, it's only payable if you're making a claim for damage to your own car.
He's also wrong about if affecting his NCB, you only lose that when an accident is your fault, or where there is nobody else to claim costs back from

Flittingaboutagain · 01/09/2022 23:53

This is a symptom of having completely unspoken and potentially different values and beliefs about money.

I would forget about the car and have a money meeting from the book Eight Dates by the Gottmans. Do this before committing to each other financially. You may save yourself years of unhappiness.

eldora · 01/09/2022 23:59

I don’t think his asking for the £300 to fix the cat is bad, you did cause the damage and it would cost you more than that if you go through insurance, once you pay the excess and increased premiums.

How are you buying a house together if you can’t afford £300?

However, him using up your petrol and not re-filling is very shitty behaviour. Tell him to fill the tank up asap.

Wombat100 · 02/09/2022 00:01

He’s a massive tit.

BungleandGeorge · 02/09/2022 00:01

I’m not sure why you think the timing is odd when he’s just had the repair done? You damaged his car of course you should repair it, you’d be cheeky to think otherwise. You offered a private repair (which is almost certainly cheaper than claiming on your insurance) and £300 is pretty cheap for a repair. How many other scratches were on it to account for the other £700? If you can’t afford a lump sum than maybe offer him £10 a week