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Original poster

Do I pay for the damage I caused?

395 replies

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 21:14

18 months ago, whilst reversing out of my boyfriend's drive, I accidentally scraped his car with my own. I was, of course, mortified and I offered at the time to go through my insurance and make a claim, or to pay to repair it privately. He told me not to worry about it and it hasn't been mentioned since.

My boyfriends car is on finance and he is now giving it back to the dealership and he is hoping to use his car to negotiate a deal on a new car. He recently got all of the scrapes repaired (including the one I caused) and it cost him just shy of £1,000. There was no mention of me paying anything towards this until after he had got the bill and had already paid. He is now asking me for a contribution of £300 towards the cost, for the scrape I caused. I've said that I'm happy to go through the insurance, but, even though I did offer cash 18 months ago, I now cannot afford to pay privately for the repair due to the cost of living. My boyfriend doesn't want to go through the insurance as he has had to make a claim recently and he worries it will affect his excess and future insurance costs. He's also said it is a lot of hassle to go through the insurance.

I do also find it a little odd to be asking for the money 18 months on, but that's by the by, and I haven't said that to him. Our relationship has moved on to the point where we will be buying a house together soon and it is serious. There's also a large wage disparity between us, I earn a modest wage with a benefit top up and he earns over £100k. That's not to say I shouldn't pay for damage I have caused, it's just the whole situation feels a bit off to me, especially to be asking for the money now so long after the incident.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Cherryflavouranything · 02/09/2022 00:02

If I earned 100K, and my boyfriend earned much less, and he scratched my car 18 months ago, and I said “don’t worry about it” at the time…

Nope. No way would I be asking for the money now. Also it’s a completely made up amount. I would rethink buying a house with your boyfriend tbh.

Fruitbatdancer · 02/09/2022 00:02

I’d start looking for a better boyfriend if I were you…

Notimeforaname · 02/09/2022 00:05

Don't buy a house with him.

Clymene · 02/09/2022 00:07

Don't move in with him. He earns what? 8 x your income qnd he's asking you for £300?

Your life will be a nightmare

Ofcourseshecan · 02/09/2022 00:09

He's making himself look so petty and mean, asking for money 18 months after turning it down, that I wonder whether he really does earn £100k. Surely if he had the money he'd rather not demean himself like this.

Either way, OP, be very careful before moving in with him. You need to have detailed and serious discussions about money, and get everything in writing before you commit yourself. Though frankly, if you have to treat him like a business contact rather than a lover, I wouldn't want to live with him.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 02/09/2022 00:17

@GogglesM I don't think you're listening to what people are saying. He's earning many times what you are, you've told him you're not sure how you're going to cope with the CoL. 18 months ago you offered to remedy an accident. He said 'not to worry' .

he's now asking for £300, from the woman he's supposed to love, supposed to be buying a house with, when he knows she's worried about money, and he earns a LIT more than her. £300 to get us a LOT of money £300 to him much much less so.

He is not a nice person, he will ruin your financial stability & he will make you miserable.

you need to ditch this one & look after your finances.

WineIsMyMainVice · 02/09/2022 00:18

OnaBegonia · 01/09/2022 21:22

Nothing less attractive than a tight fisted man. Earns over £100k and is asking for £300 after 18mths, do not buy a house with him.

Absolutely this!
please be 100% careful and 100% sure about this man op.
He can totally afford this so why is he asking you for this money if he loves you and is totally committed?
Its not about the money it’s about how he’ll treat you.

ittakes2 · 02/09/2022 00:24

On one side £300 is actually cheap option for the damage if you had of gone through insurance you would have lost your no claim bonus and paid much much higher premiums so much so that they would have been more than £300 in the long run.
but he sounds very tight fisted so sorry i would rethink buying a house together.

Ommommomm · 02/09/2022 00:28

No!!! Do not give him the money. What tight fisted

Musti · 02/09/2022 00:36

You offered to pay at the time or claim on your insurance which would have fixed both your cars for £150. He said not to worry.

He earns a lot and you’re moving in together and he knows you only earn a fraction of his salary and yet is asking you for the money just when you say you’re worried about the power bills.

I would reassess the relationship and wouldn’t be in a hurry to move in with him.

BlodynGwyn · 02/09/2022 00:44

Don't move in with him. He deserves better.

Pixiedust1234 · 02/09/2022 00:45

If he's had several scratches and dents done then who is to say your scratch cost £300? Give him £50, then take it immediately back and say that's for the petrol. Then use that petrol to drive far far away. You will never be his equal in his eyes, just a domestic doormat.

WagnersFourthSymphony · 02/09/2022 00:46

This is one of those posts where you read the title and think 'Of course!' and then read the OP and think 'No way!'
You offered to pay at the outset and he declined. All good.

And now he's asking for money? And he emptied your car without refilling????

I can (sort of) understand why he didn't get the damage dealt with at the time and only retrospectively realises it's up to him to sort - but that doesn't translate into retrospectively ripping up the earlier 'no worries' answer to your offer to pay.

Maybe he has money worries now he didn't have then - but so what? He's well aware of your situation. And even if he wasn't, he shouldn't be asking now, so late in the day, just because it's convenient for him.

I cannot understand how someone contemplating buying a house together would treat their romantic partner this way. Or why you can't see this red flag for what it is. The way he's behaving, it's all going to be calculated as coldly as business, with no generosity or forgiveness, and with him as the senior business partner calling all the shots.

Your instincts are spot on, @GogglesM, it feels a bit off. Very off, in fact. It stinks.

🚩

WagnersFourthSymphony · 02/09/2022 00:57

Actually, the more I think about it in view of later developments, the more the earlier 'not to worry about it' comment sounds a bit love-bombing.

Booklover3 · 02/09/2022 00:58

Also just wanted to add that this isn’t a good sign OP. I’d serious reconsider moving in. He earns more than you but he gave you car back empty? Wants £300 for damage done over a year ago when you could have paid £150 at the time and got both cars repaired? He’s having a laugh… at your expense. What planet does he live on?

OldFan · 02/09/2022 01:01

Wow earns 100k and he's quibbling about that when you're on a low income. 😡 I think he lives in a different world and can't understand your world.

But even then, on his salary he should just let it go and be gracious.

Sibicatsndogs · 02/09/2022 01:44

Not move in with him. How can I possibly buy a house with someone that wants £300 after 18 months and van easily afford it. If he was genuine your relationship would have meant more to him that he's insurance claims.

HirplesWithHaggis · 02/09/2022 02:12

I have read the full thread, and to those of you who are saying, "Just give him the £300" I would like to point out that the OP is in receipt of top up money, and £300 is not far off a full week's wage on the National Living Wage, after tax and NI. Almost a full week. Call it four days, even. Four days earnings, just hand it over. Aye, right.

a1poshpaws · 02/09/2022 02:40

Don't pay - he had his chance and turned it down. You can't afford it. Simples, as the Meerkats would say.

Also, DUMP HIM. I married my first husband knowing he wasn't Mr. Generous, but blimey - tight as a duck's arse didn't begin to cover it, and as I became pregnant very quickly and couldn't work for various valid reasons, he became more and more controlling, not just with money but in general.

It's a death knell, my dear, when they have a combination of a much higher income AND a mean spirited nature, and your guy is clearly in that category.

1982mommaof4 · 02/09/2022 02:45

Tell him to get a grip

Ponderingwindow · 02/09/2022 03:21

The ethical statute of limitations for the collection of damages has long passed.

you have gained critical knowledge though. If you are at the home buying stage, asking you for money like this is ridiculous. I would put a stop on the house plans and at least slow down the relationship.

KeepYaHeadUp · 02/09/2022 03:43

Tell him you need to borrow £300 as you scraped someone's car and while ago and they're now pressuring you for the cash

AhNowTed · 02/09/2022 03:44

@a1poshpaws

"It's a death knell, my dear, when they have a combination of a much higher income AND a mean spirited nature, and your guy is clearly in that category."

Bingo!

BirdWatch · 02/09/2022 04:05

I would write a review saying paid in full 300. for car repair, for sc paint scratches on "date" and get him to sign it. Then may want to reconsider the relationship if there are problems. But you did the damage when it comes to the car.

BirdWatch · 02/09/2022 04:07

*receit, not review

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