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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I pay for the damage I caused?

395 replies

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 21:14

18 months ago, whilst reversing out of my boyfriend's drive, I accidentally scraped his car with my own. I was, of course, mortified and I offered at the time to go through my insurance and make a claim, or to pay to repair it privately. He told me not to worry about it and it hasn't been mentioned since.

My boyfriends car is on finance and he is now giving it back to the dealership and he is hoping to use his car to negotiate a deal on a new car. He recently got all of the scrapes repaired (including the one I caused) and it cost him just shy of £1,000. There was no mention of me paying anything towards this until after he had got the bill and had already paid. He is now asking me for a contribution of £300 towards the cost, for the scrape I caused. I've said that I'm happy to go through the insurance, but, even though I did offer cash 18 months ago, I now cannot afford to pay privately for the repair due to the cost of living. My boyfriend doesn't want to go through the insurance as he has had to make a claim recently and he worries it will affect his excess and future insurance costs. He's also said it is a lot of hassle to go through the insurance.

I do also find it a little odd to be asking for the money 18 months on, but that's by the by, and I haven't said that to him. Our relationship has moved on to the point where we will be buying a house together soon and it is serious. There's also a large wage disparity between us, I earn a modest wage with a benefit top up and he earns over £100k. That's not to say I shouldn't pay for damage I have caused, it's just the whole situation feels a bit off to me, especially to be asking for the money now so long after the incident.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
RustySwitchblade · 01/09/2022 22:37

If he asked you pay £300 at the time, I’d think fair enough. But given the income disparity, I’d also think he was a bit do a tight arse.

but to ask for it after all this time? Weird as fuck. Especially the back tracking.

sounds like he’s been mulling it over and there’s a bit of festering resentment there.

Quartz2208 · 01/09/2022 22:45

DO not buy a house with this man.

Give him the excess and walk away

tiggergoesbounce · 01/09/2022 22:46

I would be ending this as i couldn't see a future with someone who would want to put me under any stress or worry when it is not necessary.

He doesn't see you as a team.
Its him and you. Thats not a healthy long term relationship IMO.

kateandme · 01/09/2022 22:49

You still jot a seeing or looking past the problem to the problem.and avoiding the many posts telling you to f leave!
how can you think the same about someone who would do this to you.with such malice due to your situation and the time.
moeny is something you must be 100% together and with agreement’s on for it to work.it’s where so many couple falls down and or find unhappiness with in a relationship.never mind if you split.

tour not a team.
it worries me the situation you might be putting yourself into here.

PrincessCarolyn · 01/09/2022 22:50

He sounds tighter than a cat's bum. I wouldn't be paying him the £300 at this late date, but if you do, make sure to deduct the cost of a tank of petrol from it.

And no don't buy the house with him, he is not a team player.

RainWindandSnowFlakes · 01/09/2022 22:51

OnaBegonia · 01/09/2022 21:22

Nothing less attractive than a tight fisted man. Earns over £100k and is asking for £300 after 18mths, do not buy a house with him.

This sadly. Notice the red flag, and don’t move in together.

Solidarityisbetterthanchsrity · 01/09/2022 22:52

He's horrible! Mean mean mean.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 01/09/2022 22:53

Red flag 🚩

PlanetNormal · 01/09/2022 22:57

I am the sort of person who would always, on principle, reimburse someone a pound too much rather than a penny too little. I would have insisted on paying for the damage I caused to be rectified at the time, or for it to have gone through my insurance, not his.

Obviously that didn’t happen, but I would still want to make sure the other party wasn’t out of pocket, irrespective of my income compared to theirs. I would also want to have a very serious talk about money before buying a house with anyone.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 01/09/2022 22:58

OnaBegonia · 01/09/2022 21:22

Nothing less attractive than a tight fisted man. Earns over £100k and is asking for £300 after 18mths, do not buy a house with him.

Agree. It would be different if he was on a low income and this bill had come to much more than he expected.

I had much more ready cash than DH when we first got together, because he was ploughing everything he earned into setting up a business. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking him for a contribution in your circumstances, OP.

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/09/2022 22:59

Do not buy a house with this man, knowing what he's like about money and that you aren't financial equals

Kate0902900908 · 01/09/2022 22:59

100k and is asking you for £300. Do not buy a house with this man. 😭 a relationship is US not you and him. He can afford it you can’t. . .
he must know you get a modest wage and benefit top up? Why would he put you in this position? Someone who cares about you wouldn’t do that. My best friend hit my car, I paid as she doesn’t have the money and I do, I wouldn’t for one moment put that kind of pressure on someone I love, instead I told her we’re lucky it’s me so there’s no drama. Surly you not struggling or worrying is worth more than £300 to him? Or is it?
I would tell him ‘I can’t afford it, I will struggle’ see what he says….

Wetblanket78 · 01/09/2022 23:06

You offered at the time now he's wanting you to pay. He's £100,000 a year I would be running not buying a house with him.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/09/2022 23:07

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 22:19

@SproutsAtChristmas I would have asked him to pay at the time or gone through the insurance if it was important to me, I wouldn't dream of asking anyone to pay for something they did 18 months ago. He didn't want to get it repaired at the time, so I've also missed the opportunity to get the damage the scrape caused to my own car fixed through insurance too.

He also missed the opportunity to undoubtedly have it repaired at a lower cost at the time. Everything has risen in cost!

I've done this myself, it's cheaper (usually) to have any biffs and scrapes repaired in one go before handing the car back. BUT this is not your problem.

I agree with everyone on this chain. Run!

Say for example you have saved £10k through painstaking effort. Your joint buying power due to his £100k income means you can afford a more expensive property than you could with someone with similar earning power.
Then let's say you buy a house and your relationship dissolved in a year. You have been sensible and done a tenants in common agreement. Do you think NOW, after this; that unless you specifically pro rata the expenses of buying a house (surveys/stamp duty/solicitors etc) that you will get a penny of your savings back if you sell up?
What's more likely is that he will tell you that you owe him money having sunk your savings in, and shared the mortgage cost for a year.

Do your maths carefully and plan for the worst if you want to stay with him still. His reaction will speak volumes.

LadyLolaRuben · 01/09/2022 23:07

WTF have I just read. He borrowed your car, took it long distance, used a large amount of fuel and didnt replace it knowing you have financial pressures?! And he's on a 6 figure salary while yours is topped up by benefits? Get rid OP he's a walking red flag

ChristmasCurry · 01/09/2022 23:08

100K my arse !

been and done it. · 01/09/2022 23:09

FictionalCharacter · 01/09/2022 21:42

After all this time? When he told her at the time she didn’t have to? If he wanted her to pay he should have accepted her offer at the time.

Show quote history

Also she has missed the boat going through her insurance claim..that's down to him. You can't do it retrospectively, there's nothing for the assessors to look at. His fault completely, tight wad.

Toottooot · 01/09/2022 23:09

Course he earns 100k plus - they always do 🤷🏻‍♀️

Amtheyest17 · 01/09/2022 23:12

As everyone else has said OP I would run a mile, it’s not even that he’s asking for it 18 months later it’s that he sounds like he has a good idea that you really can’t afford it yet is still asking - also not even knowing if that’s the actual amount you owe! I think you should have a really honest conversation with him and find out why he’s asking for the money after you did offer and being aware of your financial situation. Depending what his answers are then you can reassess the situation! What’s he like generally OP when it comes to paying for stuff?

Quackpot · 01/09/2022 23:12

Don't buy a house with him

Hibye23289 · 01/09/2022 23:12

Do you know how he spends his wage? Is he a secret gambler to be needing this money when he has a high salary? Oooh just you wait until you have babies and go on mat leave, the begrudging towards you for 'not contributing as much' or you being left skint whilst he has loads of free cash. I have just separated from my dh due to financial lies and me being so broke whilst he had money out of our joint money. Something is odd!

Christmasiscominghohoho · 01/09/2022 23:14

He earns a 100k.
I think it’s ridiculous he’s asking you for £300 when it happened 18 months ago.

HeartofTeFiti · 01/09/2022 23:14

Tell him you'll give him £150 being the amount you'd have spent on the excess if you'd gone through an insurance claim like you originally offered. I wouldnt pay £300.

I also wouldnt move in with him. He sounds tight and weird. Tell him it is marriage or nothing. Let him put his money where his mouth is.

sjxoxo · 01/09/2022 23:18

He earns over £100k and is asking you for £300?? Somethings clearly off here., either he doesn’t earn £100k or there’s another reason he wants £300 off you. Debt? Trying to cause an arguement? I don’t know but please don’t move in with him he sounds either like a total twat who’d keep a spreadsheet of what money you owe him or he’s a liar.. either way..run!!

Itwasntright · 01/09/2022 23:21

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 22:25

He's said there is no breakdown of costs, the bill is not itemised, so he can't tell me the exact amount.

He's a liar. The garage who did the work would be able to provide an itemised list of the work done and would have given him a receipt/invoice.