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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I pay for the damage I caused?

395 replies

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 21:14

18 months ago, whilst reversing out of my boyfriend's drive, I accidentally scraped his car with my own. I was, of course, mortified and I offered at the time to go through my insurance and make a claim, or to pay to repair it privately. He told me not to worry about it and it hasn't been mentioned since.

My boyfriends car is on finance and he is now giving it back to the dealership and he is hoping to use his car to negotiate a deal on a new car. He recently got all of the scrapes repaired (including the one I caused) and it cost him just shy of £1,000. There was no mention of me paying anything towards this until after he had got the bill and had already paid. He is now asking me for a contribution of £300 towards the cost, for the scrape I caused. I've said that I'm happy to go through the insurance, but, even though I did offer cash 18 months ago, I now cannot afford to pay privately for the repair due to the cost of living. My boyfriend doesn't want to go through the insurance as he has had to make a claim recently and he worries it will affect his excess and future insurance costs. He's also said it is a lot of hassle to go through the insurance.

I do also find it a little odd to be asking for the money 18 months on, but that's by the by, and I haven't said that to him. Our relationship has moved on to the point where we will be buying a house together soon and it is serious. There's also a large wage disparity between us, I earn a modest wage with a benefit top up and he earns over £100k. That's not to say I shouldn't pay for damage I have caused, it's just the whole situation feels a bit off to me, especially to be asking for the money now so long after the incident.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
DontBlameMe79 · 03/09/2022 10:04

AlexandriasWindmill · 03/09/2022 09:52

No. It's the first sign of an abusive relationship with flags about manipulation, gaslighting and financial abuse.

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Exactly!

impossible · 03/09/2022 10:08

DontBlameMe79 · 03/09/2022 09:29

As he’s on 100k a year, her benefits are going to be inconsequential to him. If she moves ahead, OP needs to make sure she has access to his resources, otherwise what’s the point. The 300 is neither here nor there.

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Yes, that's what I mean. OPs benefits are not inconsequential to her so she needs to be sure he will be sharing his resources.

UnicornsDoExist · 03/09/2022 10:49

Be careful buying a house with him, I think I’d slow things down for a bit, be 100% sure you know what you’re getting in to with this guy

wentworthinmate · 03/09/2022 10:49

I haven’t read entire thread but he wants £300 from you when he earns over £100k?? WTAF. It’s a firm no from me and a review of the relationship!

Upsidedownagain · 03/09/2022 11:27

Would put me off him massively. People who move in together generally share finances, to a degree at least. This doesn't bode well.

You offered at the time and he made his decision then not to get the repair. He now regrets it - well that is the chance he took. It's his hard luck.

But your good luck that he has raised this red flag BEFORE you move in with him.

Hanstarlucky · 03/09/2022 12:21

How bad is the scrape? Is it on the bumper or the paint work? Is it deep?

where has he plucked the amount of 300 from? Has he had a quote for just the scrape?

to be honest you offered at the time, and he declined, I would seriously consider the prospect of what buying a house would bring in terms of what happens if the boiler broke etc

personally I would in the politest way tell him to F off

RachaelN · 03/09/2022 13:02

What a weird thing for him to ask now when he said not to worry about it. I would very much reconsider being in a relationship with this person.

antikkiti · 03/09/2022 13:10

Fairylightsongs · 01/09/2022 22:02

Um yes she’s even written it in the op. He needs to hand it back so needs to get it repaired.he didn’t wish to claim on insurance as it would affect his claims. He’s paying 700 of the damage she caused.he’s only asking her for 300.

Show quote history

That's not how I read it. She said he had a number of bodywork repairs attended to, not just the damage she caused. She didn't cause £1,000 worth of damage!

AnnieSnap · 03/09/2022 14:09

I really hope the OP returns to share her thoughts on our replies

fatchilli123 · 03/09/2022 14:09

Run please run 😬

HarrietsweetHarriet · 03/09/2022 14:11

I'm sorry to say it, OP, but if he is quibbling over £300 especially on his salary, you'd be well advised to end this relationship now.

LondonMrsA · 03/09/2022 14:14

If he is aware of the disparity between your respective incomes, then I think he is being mean. Don’t move in with a mean man. And certainly don’t marry him.

Debjam1963 · 03/09/2022 14:49

Bin this fella. Too many red flags there. You really need to get out of that relationship now...

BettyJDavies · 03/09/2022 15:01

Blokes a twat, you should be thankful you have found out now.

Energydrink · 03/09/2022 15:15

Pay him back in instalments. It doesn’t matter about his salary!

The accident was your fault. Just as your circumstances have changed, so has his. He would now like to sell

llizzie · 03/09/2022 17:51

I would not like to say if you are reasonable or unreasonable, because I do not know what the law is and if it is still possible to take you to court after 18 months. The County Court office would tell you that. If time has run out, then there is no reason why he should make you pay up just for £300. It depends on your finances at the moment. It could be you are ''spoiling the ship for a pennyworth of tar'' sort of thing. If you pay the £300, chances are you will benefit another time by the same amount or more. It is up to you whether you want to spend your life together with him. Only you know how you feel. It needs a lot of thinking about. He is better off than you financially: perhaps he is not. Why give his car back to the dealership? Is he strapped for cash and making trade in the reason? Why not sell privately, since it should not make such a difference, and if the scratch has been repaired he stands to get a better deal. It is strange though, to buy a new car at this time of year when the cost of living has shot up.

It is as good as it gets. It does not get better when you marry or move in with him. If that is something you both want, you have to be very cautious, because it might be what you will have for the rest of your life together.
The fact that he earns more than you should not be an issue, because unless his employment is safe, he could lose it. He will also have to pay more income tax than you, and NI which could even things up. He may be making this £300 an excuse for leaving you.

llizzie · 03/09/2022 18:10

Have you both actually been approved for a mortgage, or are you just talking about it?

A mortgage lender would want to go into both your finances if the house will be in both your names.

FinallyHere · 03/09/2022 20:59

@llizzie

Have you read any of OP's posts?

OP offered to pay through insurance at the time. He refused.

Eighteen months later, he has had all the dings on his car repaired before returning it at end of lease.

The bill for all the damage is £1k.

No breakdown of the costs is available.

He has arbitrarily decided that OP's share is £300, having refused her offer to have it fixed, eighteen months ago.

HTH

Augustmummy · 03/09/2022 22:25

has he lost his job without telling you or something? Why does he suddenly need the £300 - seems odd

Fraaahnces · 04/09/2022 01:04

Gambling problem? Big earners can get into trouble with online gambling too.

llizzie · 04/09/2022 01:44

FinallyHere What did I say that made you ask that?

llizzie · 04/09/2022 01:59

He has borne a grudge for 18 months. Perhaps he has been like that best part of his life. He may be one of those men who sulk for days on end, make food when everyone else has finished eating and keep in a separate room and never speaks.

He will have to give his earnings and money he has before he can get a mortgage, as will you. You do not say if you own your house or rent. Does he own his? Is there enough savings to put down a deposit if you are renting? You will know if he really earns £100K a year when/if it comes to buying a house, so you should have a good idea of his earnings. He could hardly say he earns £100K if he does not, because it would be obvious if you apply for a mortgage, if both of you are renting. If you are keeping separate houses, you would naturally wonder why he wants the money now. Have you not discussed the finances of moving from two homes into one? Perhaps if you are both renting, you could rent just one property and see how you get on? I cannot really comment on that, because I have only lived with someone when we were married, so never took a chance on how it would work.

ScarlettSunset · 04/09/2022 06:46

Why on earth would he have borne a grudge for 18 months when the OP offered to sort it immediately when it happened and he said no?

DenBank1 · 04/09/2022 11:50

Your BF is tight fisted , what’s 300 pounds to his salary knowing it will only create animosity between the two of you. Saying that, I am in a similar huge income disparity marital situation. These guys can really be tight fisted and mean if they want to. Example, once he invited me to an expensive dinner (for which he usually pays ) and I happened to choose an appetiser which he thought was overpriced. He started to grumble so in order for me to have what I want, I just offered to pay the difference between his appetiser and mine (right there and then, fished out 3 quid from my purse and put it on the table with a huge smile) ) and got on with the rest of ordering. This went on for several occasions including once when we were out with friends who became bewildered, so I had to matter of factly smilingly fuss free explained to them. From then on, he stopped complaining and I could order what I want. So there, I knew from the very start he is very tightfisted especially when in a bad mood. These were and other huge red flags I ignored. So through the years I learned to cope. Both of ours are second marriages, together for 13 years, I am 66, he is 64.

Kashmirsilver · 04/09/2022 12:04

Why should anyone subside another choice?
Or in this case willful damage.