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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I pay for the damage I caused?

395 replies

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 21:14

18 months ago, whilst reversing out of my boyfriend's drive, I accidentally scraped his car with my own. I was, of course, mortified and I offered at the time to go through my insurance and make a claim, or to pay to repair it privately. He told me not to worry about it and it hasn't been mentioned since.

My boyfriends car is on finance and he is now giving it back to the dealership and he is hoping to use his car to negotiate a deal on a new car. He recently got all of the scrapes repaired (including the one I caused) and it cost him just shy of £1,000. There was no mention of me paying anything towards this until after he had got the bill and had already paid. He is now asking me for a contribution of £300 towards the cost, for the scrape I caused. I've said that I'm happy to go through the insurance, but, even though I did offer cash 18 months ago, I now cannot afford to pay privately for the repair due to the cost of living. My boyfriend doesn't want to go through the insurance as he has had to make a claim recently and he worries it will affect his excess and future insurance costs. He's also said it is a lot of hassle to go through the insurance.

I do also find it a little odd to be asking for the money 18 months on, but that's by the by, and I haven't said that to him. Our relationship has moved on to the point where we will be buying a house together soon and it is serious. There's also a large wage disparity between us, I earn a modest wage with a benefit top up and he earns over £100k. That's not to say I shouldn't pay for damage I have caused, it's just the whole situation feels a bit off to me, especially to be asking for the money now so long after the incident.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Shade17 · 01/09/2022 21:57

How much is your excess?

That’s irrelevant though really

StoneofDestiny · 01/09/2022 21:58

I agree it's odd after such a long time - but I'd pay for the damage. Surely you have asked him why he has done this U turn after so long?

Stopthebusplease · 01/09/2022 22:00

Sorry OP, but I too think that this is a worrying sign of things to come. He should have taken the money when it was offered, or even told you that he was putting the car in the garage to have the work done, and got a price for the particular damage that you caused, so that you knew what your part of the damage actually cost, not just plucked a figure out of thin air without any warning, and expect you to pay for it. I would be thinking twice about buying a house together personally, but if you still decide to go ahead, be 100% sure that you've discussed every possible scenario, and how it will be dealt with financially, before you finally take the plunge. BEWARE!!

lamaze1 · 01/09/2022 22:01

Even if he were minded to go the insurance route, the policy will likely have a clause saying you need to declare within a certain period of time.

Fairylightsongs · 01/09/2022 22:02

StoneofDestiny · 01/09/2022 21:58

I agree it's odd after such a long time - but I'd pay for the damage. Surely you have asked him why he has done this U turn after so long?

Um yes she’s even written it in the op. He needs to hand it back so needs to get it repaired.he didn’t wish to claim on insurance as it would affect his claims. He’s paying 700 of the damage she caused.he’s only asking her for 300.

FindingMeno · 01/09/2022 22:02

I would not be moving in with him.
I would somehow find the money, give it to him, and tell him I hope it was worth it.
Then I'd dump him.

Original poster
GogglesM · 01/09/2022 22:03

It makes me feel very uneasy. I offered to sort it at the time. I find it really strange that he's asked for the money so long after the event; I definitely wouldn't do that, even asking a friend I'd feel like a CF. Our relationship has developed so much too, to the point were meant to be aiming to be a team and buy a house together.

I wouldn't say I am poor. I have managed to save a little amount of money, I'm a spend thrift and go without a lot of luxuries that most people consider normal For example, I only have Freeview, and I don't pay for any other TV channels or streaming, I shop at Aldi etc. He knows about my small amount of savings because we are meant to be buying a house together. I have stressed to him how worried I am about money in the next few months, and how I expect to have little to no savings left after this winter, with my fuel bill expected to rise to £400 per month. I also want to add that I do lots of favours for him too, for instance I let him borrow my car for the day whilst his was being repaired, he had to drive quite some distance and now my cars tank is almost empty (not that I would expect or ask him to replace the fuel anyway)! I just find the whole thing odd.

OP posts:
oneproudmumma · 01/09/2022 22:03

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

oneproudmumma · 01/09/2022 22:04

OnaBegonia · 01/09/2022 21:22

Nothing less attractive than a tight fisted man. Earns over £100k and is asking for £300 after 18mths, do not buy a house with him.

This ^

picklemewalnuts · 01/09/2022 22:05

Tell him you have realised you can't afford to move in with him. See what he says.

Original poster
GogglesM · 01/09/2022 22:05

@Fairylightsongs No. The £1,000 was for several stretches, dinks and damage. He's asked £300 for the damage I caused. I don't even know if that is how much it cost as I haven't had a breakdown.

OP posts:
Original poster
GogglesM · 01/09/2022 22:06

*scratches!

OP posts:
Lemmeparticipate · 01/09/2022 22:06

No this is ridiculous at this point, he had his chance and missed it. I'd also be thinking twice about moving in together without a clear understanding of how the bills will be split according to income.

TrashPandas · 01/09/2022 22:08

God, dump him. And because you're not seeing about a billion red flags, please work on your self-esteem before getting into another relationship!

ThinWomansBrain · 01/09/2022 22:09

I'd pay, take it as a leasson learned and end the relationship - living with him would be a nightmare.

Qwerkie · 01/09/2022 22:09

He’s not good enough for you op. Don’t buy a house with him

Novum · 01/09/2022 22:10

Not sure it would ever have been worth going through insurance for £300 worth of work, the increase in your premium is liable to outweigh that.

oneproudmumma · 01/09/2022 22:10

Have you told him you can't afford the £300 and what was his response?

It's ludicrous that he earns 100k and is asking for £300... my DH earns less than that and I spend more than that on bits and bobs each month and he barely notices!

Original poster
GogglesM · 01/09/2022 22:13

I've stopped replying to his messages because I feel a little dumbfounded and wanted to post on here to see if my feelings are unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
EscapeRoomToTheSun · 01/09/2022 22:14

What did he say when you told him no and that you'd offered to go through insurance ages ago? Doesn't sound right to me.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 01/09/2022 22:15

Why is he buying a car on finance if he earns 100k? Have you seen hard evidence he actually earns that much?

Blowthemandown · 01/09/2022 22:15

@GogglesM doesn’t return your car filled? A few miles is ok but leaving it empty is cheeky/ Are you sure he earns as much as he says? He seems to be quite disrespectful. I would not want to buy a house with someone like that.

SproutsAtChristmas · 01/09/2022 22:16

When you said you couldn't afford it, what was his response? I think that will be the deciding factor as to the future of your relationship.

I do think you should pay towards it though as morally you did cause the damage and it's now, 18 months later, that it is financially affecting him. Even if you pay £5 a week, that's still contributing and showing you're willing. If it was the other way around, I assume you'd want him to pay towards it.

Original poster
GogglesM · 01/09/2022 22:17

This time around, when I offered to go through the insurance and said I couldn't pay cash, he gave me a list of reasons like I will have to pay the excess and it's not worth the hassle and my insurance will go up and we will both lose our no claims because he's put another claim in recently. Then proceeded to ask me for the £300.

OP posts:
puddingandsun · 01/09/2022 22:17

Oh my. Please tell us he is no longer your boyfriend!!

Do not pay him a penny.