Do I pay for the damage I caused?

[GogglesM]

18 months ago, whilst reversing out of my boyfriend's drive, I accidentally scraped his car with my own. I was, of course, mortified and I offered at the time to go through my insurance and make a claim, or to pay to repair it privately. He told me not to worry about it and it hasn't been mentioned since.

My boyfriends car is on finance and he is now giving it back to the dealership and he is hoping to use his car to negotiate a deal on a new car. He recently got all of the scrapes repaired (including the one I caused) and it cost him just shy of £1,000. There was no mention of me paying anything towards this until after he had got the bill and had already paid. He is now asking me for a contribution of £300 towards the cost, for the scrape I caused. I've said that I'm happy to go through the insurance, but, even though I did offer cash 18 months ago, I now cannot afford to pay privately for the repair due to the cost of living. My boyfriend doesn't want to go through the insurance as he has had to make a claim recently and he worries it will affect his excess and future insurance costs. He's also said it is a lot of hassle to go through the insurance.

I do also find it a little odd to be asking for the money 18 months on, but that's by the by, and I haven't said that to him. Our relationship has moved on to the point where we will be buying a house together soon and it is serious. There's also a large wage disparity between us, I earn a modest wage with a benefit top up and he earns over £100k. That's not to say I shouldn't pay for damage I have caused, it's just the whole situation feels a bit off to me, especially to be asking for the money now so long after the incident.

What would you do in this situation?

I think it's not so much about the money and more about the timescale involved which is unreasonable. I would worry about getting a house with someone who goes back on his word without explanation. Obviously if he has his own current financial issues then maybe you need to figure out how to repay for the damage, but if he can't be honest, offer to pay in installments and move on from the relationship.

I made an earlier reply and in addition to what I said earlier I would like to add that you should trust your instincts. Something is definitely 'off' with this scenario. I did suggest earlier that he might have financial problems and not letting on.

Now I am also actually wondering if he does earn £100k per annum - or if he ever did in fact. Is it possible that he has been lying to you all this time? Maybe told you that at the beginning to impress you and then had to keep up the pretence - only now, just like you, the economic situation is hitting him hard and he's struggling, just like you are? That would make sense of him asking you for the money now when he wasn't bothered 18 months ago. £100k per annum is a huge amount of cash - but he didn't even fill up your car with petrol after he borrowed it

Either that or he is spending money on something else that you don't know about? Gambling, Drugs - so many things that his income is going on which you know nothing about?

Please do not contemplate taking a mortgage with this guy at the moment. Still so many red flags which you ignore at huge risk to yourself - no matter how serious you think your relationship has become.

🚩🚩🚩

Please do not get a mortgage with this man!
rent first if you want to still move the relationship on but a mortgage is a huge commitment and not easy to get out of.

Does he actually earn what he’s led you to believe? If one can afford to buy a car it doesn’t make financial sense to use vehicle finance schemes, which are for people who cannot afford to buy the car they wish to drive. Another thing which a higher earner would be unlikely to do, is tolerate driving a scratched car for 18 months - particularly if it is a vanity vehicle. Finally, quibbling over £300 with someone you presumably love is inconsistent with being someone on a higher salary.
My conclusion is that he is either misleading you with respect to his earning, or he has serious, undisclosed financial problems (debt or gambling, for example).
Fortunately for you, there is no requirement for you to determine which because your best course of action is identical in each case and has already been mooted by the vast majority of your other respondents.

Offer to pay him £5 a week and every week I'd minus any expenses he caused me! Using all your petrol is really rude, and honestly is another red flag.
I can't help but think there is more to this story. On atleast one side. Either he feels taken advantage of, or he is really tight.
Does he pay when you gyo out for dinner?
I once brought a date out for dinner for his birthday while I was a working student and he earned similar and he insisted on paying himself for the dinner I brought him out for! He said my gift was the company . If the tables were turned I would have done the same, I'd never leave someone short for something I can easily afford.

It's time to sit down and think about what the future looks like for you both. Sometimes a large salary gap just doesn't work, not unless the big earner is happy to make up the gap as when you are building a life together, you need to be on the same lifestyle level. He either takes the hit and brings you up to a higher level or he comes down to yours and squirrels away his extra earnings. Not sure I see that happening. And I could still see resentment on your behalf if he ends up with a large safety net and you have nothing.

Exactly.guts are genious little buggers.far too intelligent sometimes (ibs😋) your whole post op screams you don't feel right.your not making excuses.professing love like some posters do when caught up...your uncomfortable. Listen to your gut!

Indeed it is a huge commitment. I imagine the op won't be able to afford either the payments or any monies needed for ongoing maintenance or renovations.

I still cannot believe the op damaged another's property, yet still feels entitled not to be held at least partially responsible. Oh, and BTW, he used the car and didn't fill up the tank because he feels she still owes him money. The tank of fuel is implying partial payment.

Just let him know that originally you offered and he refused, you no longer have the money available. Say I’m happy to pay towards it weekly/monthly if he doesn’t want to go through the insurance but that’s the only way you can do this. You admitted the fault he didn’t take up the offer - shouldn’t really come back at a later date to then claim it but, to be diplomatic, you don’t want to move in with this being an argument point to rear it’s head all the time but - instalments or insurance is all you can offer

I’m with you on this Silvers 11.
i was thinking either he’s not earning as much as he says or else he’s gambling or something like that.
The very first thing that came to my mind though was that he’s thinking of ending the relationship which is why he’s decided to ask for the money because it’s so weird to be asking for jr from someone you’re planning to move in with and become a unit with.
Either way it’s not a good sign is it cos he’s either s liar or as tight as a holes.

Just on the very last bit of your comment - OP did feel responsible and offered to pay for the damage 18 months ago but was told she didn’t have to. Now, her other half has suddenly turned round and asked for the money when she can least afford it.

Do you seriously believe that after all this time he used up her petrol because he’s unhappy she owes him money, without ever having asked her for it or discussed it before? Don’t be silly.

I don't think it's about money or about ending the relationship for him. I think it's the opposite. The relationship is ramping up so he's testing OP's boundaries seeing if she will accept an undocumented request for money 18 months after he said it was fine; seeing if she will capitulate to emotional blackmail around 'debt' and 'money' without checking the literal receipts; checking if she will make her own life slightly more difficult (sudden £300 expense) simply because he says so; checking if she will accept he can unilaterally move the goalposts 18 months after they made an agreement.
As PPs have said, so many red flags.

I wonder why he’s changed his tune? You don’t say how much other work there was on car. The amount of 1000 will be generalised eg once the sander and paint spray is got out hard to specify “your bit”. I agree re thinking twice about this relationship from your account it sounds as though he is settling in to a mean tendency. Familiarity breeds contempt?

Your options seem to be:

1. Pay him, even if it needs to be on a payment plan or from your insurance; and continue the relationship. Read some posts about divorce/separation to see the sort of trauma you might be writing about in the future.
   
   If you decide on this option, make sure your next move (perhaps after setting up a regular savings plan to cover therapy for that trauma...) is for complete disclosure of his finances (and yours to him). Don't take his word for it nor accept vagueness. See his bank statements for the last 3 months and share yours with him. You cannot plan for a house and related finances together without understanding the current situation for each other.

2. Don't pay him. End the relationship. He cannot pursue you for something that he's had repaired without an itemised quote, regardless of your original offer to pay. While morally this option might not feel right (because you did cause the damage and he had an expense because of it), it leaves you able to continue your life without a payment that you can no longer afford.

3. Pay him something. End the relationship. Ignore the £300 figure as that is completely fabricated. It could be more or less than this.

Here is one way you could use to get to a figure that wouldn't leave you more out of pocket than if he'd not declined your offer 18 months ago:

For £150, 18 months ago, you'd have got both his and your car repaired.

It would have affected your no claims, so add some extra money to how much the incident would have cost you for increased insurance premiums over the next few years. You could find an estimate for this out by doing some insurance quotes with dates of claims at one year ago, two years ago etc. and add up the differences from each of those compared to a quote for no claims.

You now have the total cost to you for if you'd originally gone through insurance and got both cars repaired.

Remove the cost of the fuel he used from your car.
Remove the cost of getting your car repaired. (Get a quote for this)

If there's anything left, that is what to give him if you want to.

It is too late (in time and because the repairs have been done) to go through your insurance so that is no longer an option.

Good luck.

"Pay him, even if it needs to be on a payment plan or from your insurance;"

Should read "or from your savings", sorry.

Of course, however, the damage repair bill turned out to be £1000.
I personally wouldn't pursue the money so long after. However, DP smoked in my car, albeit with the windows down. I don't smoke. So I made her pay for a professional valet.
And yes, he did return the car empty because of her reluctance to pay up. I'm sorry, just because there's a disparity in earnings doesn't mean one has to subsidize the other. She damaged his car ffs.
Mumsnet is well known for poster's absent-mindedness when it comes to vehicle damage.

BTW - this is another form of shit testing 😄😄

This is the Universe looking out for you. Look and listen

Tell him you offered to sort this out at the time and he said no. You do not think it's fair or reasonable to then change your mind 18m later. You will not be giving him the £300.

I would then also let him know that the relationship is over and wish him all the best.

Do NOT buy a house with this person. You will absolutely regret it. Guaranteed.

And remember to thank the Universe

If your excess is £150 pay him that if you can afford it. Otherwise tell him it's too bad, the moment has passed.

What's more worrying is that he is putting financial pressure on you when you are tight on money. Do you to think he's feeling resentful? This doesn't bode well if you're planning to share your lives. It's really important you hammer this out. Don't ignore it. How you work together financially will be the bedrock of your lives together and it you can't clear that up now you will have problems.

You say you earn a small salary plus a benefit and he earns over £100k. You will lose that benefit when you buy a house together as benefits are based on joint income. Does he realise that and will he be putting his money in a joint pot?

As he’s on 100k a year, her benefits are going to be inconsequential to him. If she moves ahead, OP needs to make sure she has access to his resources, otherwise what’s the point. The 300 is neither here nor there.

@GogglesM If he's being this much of a prick about this, DO NOT buy a house with this man! In fact, seriously think about whether you can even stay in a relationship with him! He does not sound like an equal life partner that you can count on. At all.

Thatboymum

Do not agree that OP thinks she is entitled. She has made it plain that she offered to pay at the time or go thru' insurance. He caused the problem by not accepting either. They cannot go thru' insurance [usually one month is deadline for reporting accident in most policies and as others pointed out - no damage now] Something has made him change his mind. Agree with others that this is not about the £300. Needs careful thought about the relationship.

I know everyone has concluded this guy is a tosser, and I get why.

But I would give it one last try to let him redeem himself.

Is it possible that he just doesn't see money as an issue and is blind to it? Not being sexist but men can be very dim and naive sometimes. He might have decided that this is a logical thing to do and not really considered the impact on you.

He might just be thinking logically and apportioning the cost out on the basis that you had offered to go through the insurance.

If you explain, no, I can't afford not to go through the insurance but yes I understand that it would cost us more in insurance premiums, he might be more flexible.

However, I would question whether he is ready to have a genuine partnership yet, including financial. He sounds like he's not yet understood what's involved in terms of mutual trust and commitment.

No. It's the first sign of an abusive relationship with flags about manipulation, gaslighting and financial abuse.

If you're going to move in with him then you need to be able to communicate openly with him.

I would tell him that you feel it's a bit off to be asking now for the money when you offered 18 months ago and he said no. It gives the impression he could ask for money back at any time, e.g. cost for meals etc. Also explain you had the money then and don't now. I would also use the example that you're not keeping tally, e.g. didn't ask for fuel he's used over the past 18months and with the fact you're moving in together you hoped you were a team.

Depending on his response I'd decide my next move. If he insists, for me I would pay it because I would hate to feel like he was going to feel I took advantage (I might deduct the recent petrol usage) but then end the relationship.

If he changes his tune I would monitor how he is and stall a little on the house purchase, and encourage more open conversations regarding finance and the future from now on.

I've treated exes much better than he is treating his supposedly long term partner.

No way would I pay!

I also wouldn’t move in with someone who had your boyfriends attitude.