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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I pay for the damage I caused?

395 replies

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 21:14

18 months ago, whilst reversing out of my boyfriend's drive, I accidentally scraped his car with my own. I was, of course, mortified and I offered at the time to go through my insurance and make a claim, or to pay to repair it privately. He told me not to worry about it and it hasn't been mentioned since.

My boyfriends car is on finance and he is now giving it back to the dealership and he is hoping to use his car to negotiate a deal on a new car. He recently got all of the scrapes repaired (including the one I caused) and it cost him just shy of £1,000. There was no mention of me paying anything towards this until after he had got the bill and had already paid. He is now asking me for a contribution of £300 towards the cost, for the scrape I caused. I've said that I'm happy to go through the insurance, but, even though I did offer cash 18 months ago, I now cannot afford to pay privately for the repair due to the cost of living. My boyfriend doesn't want to go through the insurance as he has had to make a claim recently and he worries it will affect his excess and future insurance costs. He's also said it is a lot of hassle to go through the insurance.

I do also find it a little odd to be asking for the money 18 months on, but that's by the by, and I haven't said that to him. Our relationship has moved on to the point where we will be buying a house together soon and it is serious. There's also a large wage disparity between us, I earn a modest wage with a benefit top up and he earns over £100k. That's not to say I shouldn't pay for damage I have caused, it's just the whole situation feels a bit off to me, especially to be asking for the money now so long after the incident.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 02/09/2022 20:53

Run !!

VioletInsolence · 02/09/2022 20:54

It probably wasn’t the best move financially. I had my car on a lease and paid it off…it was around 4,600. Got a valuation on Cazoo a couple of months ago and it’s worth 10k.

WadiShab · 02/09/2022 21:04

I'd remind him that I offered to pay 18 months ago and he refused ask him what has happened to make him change his mind 18 months on. I'd advise that I couldn't pay it all now and he will have to be repaid by installments. I certainly would not get entangled with him financially on any level and make a point not to get caught out again.

Lynz78 · 02/09/2022 21:05

oneproudmumma · 01/09/2022 22:03

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

This don't move in with him.

5128gap · 02/09/2022 21:06

LaughingCat · 02/09/2022 20:36

How much do you know about his financial affairs? Do you see his outgoings etc?

I’m only asking as this feels VERY familiar. I had an ex who pulled down £100k+, and yet had to ask his mum for money at the end of the month, and had loans and credit card debt.

He did not have a flashy lifestyle. In fact, he rarely went out, didn’t eat a huge amount, didn’t go on holidays and lived in a church rental which are super cheap. His car was a company car.

It took a friend to point out how weird this was - and for me to realise that his gambling addiction was likely far from over like he said it was.

I’m not saying this is the case in your situation but it just feels like something I wouldn’t have been particularly surprised to hear back then. It seems almost reasonable but there’s something…off.

If you haven’t seen all of his incomings and outgoings, that’s kinda normal but be aware that it might not be him being tightfisted. It may be something a bit more serious.

This.
If it was simply that he was the tight fisted manipulator people have him pegged as, I'm fairly sure there would have been other signs of this during the relationship. If he was that much if a skinflint he'd have insisted she paid at the time. Sounds possible to me that his financial position may have changed between now and when it first occurred. I agree there could be a reason.

MakeMineABourbon · 02/09/2022 21:10

Any person worth bothering with would not be asking you for this money now. Especially given the time lapse and how much he earns! I would be running for the hills.

Morgysmum · 02/09/2022 21:22

I would tell him, that you can give him the £300. But it's going to be in instalments. As you cannot afford £300, all together, due to bills you have to pay etc.
Maybe something like £5 a week or what ever you can afford. He might realise that you haven't got a lot of spare cash, so might, say not to bother.
But before you move in together, talk about, how you are going to split the bills etc. As 50/50 doesn't seem fair, if he is on a higher wage. I got told by debt management company, that as he is on a higher wage, he should be paying more for the bills than me. Like he should pay 3/4. We didn't as, he said if he paid more, he would get into debt himself. But as it has turned out, he is in debt now anyway.

catflycat · 02/09/2022 21:27

Oh gosh couldn't buy a house with someone like this 🙈 I know everyone is different but now-husband and I had been together 2 and a bit years when we bought a house and everything was joint from then on, it's a big commitment and you need to be a team. Sometimes he's earned double or triple me ,sometimes me double him, for a lot of time now we've had kids I've earned nothing for long stretches.. but we buy whatever we want (obvs plan together and discuss the big things) and never has that been in doubt. This is the time to discuss all of this, maybe he's not ready yet to move in!

Laisydaisy · 02/09/2022 21:28

Imagine in a few years' time having babies with this man - he could be in control of all of the money and see supporting you as something you 'owe' him for. You might have to account to him for all your spending - and how will you ever know he won't be difficult and controlling about that? This is a really worrying indicator I would say. Owning a house together, having children together, supporting and looking out for each other requires trust, care and commitment. Meanness, penny-pinching, and attempts to make you feel obligated are causing problems now. If you become more dependent on him - which buying a house with him, and having children with him if you choose to, will mean that happens inevitably - could be a very unhappy and uneasy situation for you to be in. And you won't be able to get away easily then.

Pinkfluff76 · 02/09/2022 21:29

Wow what a tight arse! He won’t even notice £300 on his salary!

Pinkfluff76 · 02/09/2022 21:33

He should’ve put fuel in your car after using it. Very rude not to!

Babysitter12 · 02/09/2022 21:33

You did the damage cough up you tight git !
To go through the insurance will cost you more in excesses and loss of no claim etc
Next time I damage something, I will ask them if they earn more, guess what reaction i would get !

MeetthemoveratDover · 02/09/2022 21:43

You damaged his car so pay him what you owe.
Then leave. You cannot seriously consider moving in with him. If his behaviour seems odd to you now (and I agree it is somewhat) it will seem that way for ever.
He earns over 100k and he’s worrying you for £300? 18 months later?
You can feel this isn’t right, trust your instincts.

SofaLola33 · 02/09/2022 21:47

He probably wasn’t expecting to have to pay out so much to fix the scratches. I would say that it’s either insurance or agree a monthly amount. I would keep this in the back of my mind when moving forward with the relationship.

stacyvaron · 02/09/2022 21:50

Of course you pay for the damage you caused, you should have done it at the time, even though he said it was ok not to. Have you asked him why he changed his mind? I'd be interested to know why he needs the money.

AlexandriasWindmill · 02/09/2022 21:52

Don't buy a house with him.
It's not that he's mean. It's that he's dishonest and sees you as someone who can prop him up financially even though he earns substantially more. He is the sort of person who will happily engineer situations to deplete your savings whilst his own income grows.
As for using the fuel in your car, if DH uses my car, he fills it back up again. That's the minimum you should expect.

SofaLola33 · 02/09/2022 21:53

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 22:03

It makes me feel very uneasy. I offered to sort it at the time. I find it really strange that he's asked for the money so long after the event; I definitely wouldn't do that, even asking a friend I'd feel like a CF. Our relationship has developed so much too, to the point were meant to be aiming to be a team and buy a house together.

I wouldn't say I am poor. I have managed to save a little amount of money, I'm a spend thrift and go without a lot of luxuries that most people consider normal For example, I only have Freeview, and I don't pay for any other TV channels or streaming, I shop at Aldi etc. He knows about my small amount of savings because we are meant to be buying a house together. I have stressed to him how worried I am about money in the next few months, and how I expect to have little to no savings left after this winter, with my fuel bill expected to rise to £400 per month. I also want to add that I do lots of favours for him too, for instance I let him borrow my car for the day whilst his was being repaired, he had to drive quite some distance and now my cars tank is almost empty (not that I would expect or ask him to replace the fuel anyway)! I just find the whole thing odd.

You could deduct for the amount of fuel he used when he borrowed your car, that would be fair

Redburnett · 02/09/2022 22:03

Do not have children with this man, he would not understand providing for wife and child on maternity leave, nursery costs etc.
It is so absurd for someone earning 100k to expect you to pay £300 for something that happened ages ago especially as you are planning to pool resources to buy a house.

MyStarBoy · 02/09/2022 22:16

I guess 18 months ago it was an insignificant amount and now that he’s had to pay £1k, he’s viewing your small proportion of that very differently.

After 18 months it’s still a very shitty thing for him to do.

Is he usually so pitifully tight? (I’m guessing probably not because he let you off 18 months ago).

Only you know him and only you can decide what to do.

It’s a very awkward subject because you won’t want to look like a scrounger (even though he is in the wrong).

HeythereDelilah101 · 02/09/2022 22:32

Erm, nope. I know for sure if I accidentally did that to my boyfriends car he would not be asking for money to repair! He just wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t him either. It was an accident.

blueshoes · 02/09/2022 22:34

Are you sure he earns 100K? Have you started applying for a mortgage and he has provided his pay slips to the bank?

sunflo76 · 02/09/2022 23:03

Tell him your excess is £150 so that’s what you will give but because your not paid as much as him you will have to pay it at £25 a month if you can manage that without putting yourself in financial problems if that’s so then offer him what you can comfortably pay.If he kicks off a that, then I am very sorry you mustn’t
move in or join your monies together.It’s sad but you will get over it.then find a new man who loves you too much to ask for money from you.They are out there I know I have had one for 60 years now .Good luck 🥰

Penny242 · 02/09/2022 23:04

So he’s earning over 5k per month after tax and Nat ins and he wants £300 for car repair as a contribution. In his shoes would you charge him for this? If I was earning that amount I wouldn’t ask for £300. There’s something odd about this. Is he really earning this amount? Is he tight? Is he in debt? Or is he spending his money on something else?

Bekstar · 02/09/2022 23:07

Realistically the reason he doesn't want to go through insurance is because they won't entertain a claim 18 month after the fact. I'd say this is a warning of what you risk if you go into a joint mortgage or house purchase together. Maybe it's a sign that this isn't the man you thought you were meant to be with. 18 month after making a minor issue of it is basically him saying he values money more than the relationship. You offered he refused he doesn't get a second chance at it. Tell him no in fact if it wa some I'd be telling him to jog on.

CrisPbacon · 02/09/2022 23:14

I'd have exactly the same thoughts as you having tried to sort it at the time.
I think this is either oversight due to his comfortable income or there's a bigger problem. Either way I'd want it thrashing out prior to any further commitment with him.
Show him this thread

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