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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do I pay for the damage I caused?

395 replies

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 21:14

18 months ago, whilst reversing out of my boyfriend's drive, I accidentally scraped his car with my own. I was, of course, mortified and I offered at the time to go through my insurance and make a claim, or to pay to repair it privately. He told me not to worry about it and it hasn't been mentioned since.

My boyfriends car is on finance and he is now giving it back to the dealership and he is hoping to use his car to negotiate a deal on a new car. He recently got all of the scrapes repaired (including the one I caused) and it cost him just shy of £1,000. There was no mention of me paying anything towards this until after he had got the bill and had already paid. He is now asking me for a contribution of £300 towards the cost, for the scrape I caused. I've said that I'm happy to go through the insurance, but, even though I did offer cash 18 months ago, I now cannot afford to pay privately for the repair due to the cost of living. My boyfriend doesn't want to go through the insurance as he has had to make a claim recently and he worries it will affect his excess and future insurance costs. He's also said it is a lot of hassle to go through the insurance.

I do also find it a little odd to be asking for the money 18 months on, but that's by the by, and I haven't said that to him. Our relationship has moved on to the point where we will be buying a house together soon and it is serious. There's also a large wage disparity between us, I earn a modest wage with a benefit top up and he earns over £100k. That's not to say I shouldn't pay for damage I have caused, it's just the whole situation feels a bit off to me, especially to be asking for the money now so long after the incident.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Maryminx · 02/09/2022 19:17

Don’t move in with this guy! U offered 18mths ago.

billy1966 · 02/09/2022 19:25

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 22:25

He's said there is no breakdown of costs, the bill is not itemised, so he can't tell me the exact amount.

He's some mean CF trying to catch you for 30% of a bill 18months later.

His real personality is seeping out.

I bet you he is the type that would want everything 50/50 while doing fxxk all housework or cooking.

The type who thinks marriage isn't a good idea, but wants the woman to perform the traditional role without it, whilst being modern enough to want her to 100% pay her way.

Mean men are always out for themselves and what works best for them.

House skivvy and cook, pays 50% of everything and he doesn't have to marry her.

Yuk.

BeggarsMeddle · 02/09/2022 19:26

FawnDrench · 01/09/2022 22:34

Stop focusing on the car scratch money and read the far more important message behind it.
He is trying to manipulate you.

Walk away.

THIS. With bells on it.

It's making you feel very uneasy for a good reason. He will see to it that you are wrong-footed financially at every turn. I would not move in with him.

If the positions were reversed and you earned £100k and he damaged your car 18 months' ago would you be asking him for £300? Nope, because you're not tighter than fish's backside.

Shelovespawpatrol · 02/09/2022 19:32

He's showing you exactly what he will be like if you move in together and buy a house. I would see this as a blessing that it happened to show you what to expect.

Justbefair · 02/09/2022 19:33

If positions were reversed would you ask for what, with his income is peanuts, to pay? I know I wouldn't dream of it, would you? Sure your answer is the same. Yes tight of him. X

sunshinemode · 02/09/2022 19:35

Pay for the damage and run for the hills. Anyone earning what he does asking their partner for £300 for damage done 18months ago is not long term material

BooneyBeautiful · 02/09/2022 19:44

Fairylightsongs · 01/09/2022 22:23

Oh cmon. She caused 1k of damage, he’s paying 700 of it. She’s likely got excess . I’d eat my hat if it’s not about 300,or more.

Show quote history

OP, hasn't caused £1K of damage. He had lots of other scrapes and scratches repaired at the same time so that accounted for lots of that amount. He hasn't even shown OP a breakdown of how much damage she actually caused, so for all she knows she might only have caused £150 worth of damage.

NorthernPud · 02/09/2022 19:45

To be honest I'd leave. He sounds like the type of man to expect a lower earning partner to fund the child care when they're working. This could be a near miss before you're deeper into a relationship with him.

BreatheAndFocus · 02/09/2022 19:50

Don’t pay! You offered to sort it at the time but he refused. You’ve done your bit. More than that, you have no idea how much your damage actually cost in that bill he got.

Think why he’s asking you for this now - is he recouping his losses prior to dumping you? He didn’t care enough to offer you money for the petrol he used. It doesn’t sound good to me. Don’t move in with him and watch out for more of this behaviour - if you don’t finish with him first.

Ursulasbikini · 02/09/2022 19:56

Please please listen to those telling you not to buy a house with him. I'm sorry, but speaking from experience you 're headed down a road to misery with him. I divorced my toxic higher earning tight arse controlling ex last year. It was very tricky with 3 kids.as another poster put it, I realised too late that he didn't love me. Or even like me 😕. He wanted a wife kids, but always made me feel shite about money. And he left all housework etc to me...not a team player at all! We 're headed back to court as he's trying to get out of paying maintenance. Your fella sounds really selfish too. Can you tell us what he s normally like around money? How long Are you with him? Another poster said the 'don't worry about it ' 18 months ago sounds like love bombing..was that early on in the relationship?

Silvers11 · 02/09/2022 20:04

Wow!! Well, first off, you offered to go through your Insurance at the time it happened and he said not to bother. It is now much too late to go through your Insurance now - and on top of that as you didn't report it at the time ( which you are legally obliged to do) and will have since renewed your Car Insurance without telling them about the accident ( which is illegal and could invalidate your Insurance)

I would say out to him, that you will give him £150 as that was your excess and all you'd have had to pay if he let you go through the Insurance at the time, and also point out that the petrol he used also was worth quite a lot of money

Before agreeing to move in, buy a house together I would try and find out if something has happened to suddenly make him want you to pay now after saying it didn't matter 18 months ago - and DO NOT buy a house together unless there is some major reason why he is asking you now that he hasn't told you ( like, he's worried he's going to lose his job). If no satisfactory explanation is forthcoming I would seriously reconsider your relationship with him, no matter how much you think you love him, because I suspect he may be beginning to show his true colours now he thinks he's 'got' you long term, and I can see lots of red flags here

PeachyPeachTrees · 02/09/2022 20:07

BreatheAndFocus · 02/09/2022 19:50

Don’t pay! You offered to sort it at the time but he refused. You’ve done your bit. More than that, you have no idea how much your damage actually cost in that bill he got.

Think why he’s asking you for this now - is he recouping his losses prior to dumping you? He didn’t care enough to offer you money for the petrol he used. It doesn’t sound good to me. Don’t move in with him and watch out for more of this behaviour - if you don’t finish with him first.

"Think why he’s asking you for this now - is he recouping his losses prior to dumping you?"

Explain that if you'd done it through your insurance it would have cost you £150 and he can't turn you down and 18 months later ask for double this. If your petrol cost £50, then say you're taking that off and will pay £100. See what he says and take it from there. Considering the massive wage difference, I'd be thinking twice about moving in together.

SeasonFinale · 02/09/2022 20:14

Tell him you have deducted the fuel he used in your car, the charge for letting him use your car and that came to £300 so you will offset it against the £300 he wants from you so now you are even.

Then dump him and 🏃‍♀️

AnnieSnap · 02/09/2022 20:15

I too would be reluctant to move in with him as things stand. Not only is he asking for this morning 18 months after you offered to sort it, despite knowing your modest income, rising food prices, together with your worries about this winter’s heating bills, but he also used your car, virtually emptied the fuel tank and didn’t refuel it! Petrol and diesel the wapping prices they are and his 6 figure salary? This is ringing alarm bells for me. Don’t move in with him until/unless you are consistently seeing a more considerate attitude.

Adelyra · 02/09/2022 20:21

I feel like that's a red flag. I mean his attitude towards money. You can't make a household on that basis imo. Especially if he earns 5 times what you do.

Summerfun54321 · 02/09/2022 20:22

Tell him to get some itemised quotes for the damage you caused then when he does, tell him that exactly offsets the car hire and petrol you gave him. Then run for the hills…

Blueink · 02/09/2022 20:24

Given the full picture, no YANBU. I wouldn’t be buying a place with him either, something is off.

Twawmyarse · 02/09/2022 20:32

This would be a massive red flag for me. Really mean, I can't stand tight-arses.

Do not move in with him would be my advice. At the very least you need to have an honest chat with him about your income and that you're struggling.

LaughingCat · 02/09/2022 20:36

How much do you know about his financial affairs? Do you see his outgoings etc?

I’m only asking as this feels VERY familiar. I had an ex who pulled down £100k+, and yet had to ask his mum for money at the end of the month, and had loans and credit card debt.

He did not have a flashy lifestyle. In fact, he rarely went out, didn’t eat a huge amount, didn’t go on holidays and lived in a church rental which are super cheap. His car was a company car.

It took a friend to point out how weird this was - and for me to realise that his gambling addiction was likely far from over like he said it was.

I’m not saying this is the case in your situation but it just feels like something I wouldn’t have been particularly surprised to hear back then. It seems almost reasonable but there’s something…off.

If you haven’t seen all of his incomings and outgoings, that’s kinda normal but be aware that it might not be him being tightfisted. It may be something a bit more serious.

Lollipop25 · 02/09/2022 20:36

🚩🚩🚩🚩major red flag that he’s even asking after so long. This is not a man you want to end up financially dependant on ( babies, illness etc). Save yourself and get out now.

Blueink · 02/09/2022 20:39

I don’t understand some of the responses of PP. Clearly OP stated not all the damage was caused by them, he’s saying OP caused £300 worth. I wasn’t expecting to agree with OP, but it didn’t suit him to go through OPs insurance and he couldn’t be bothered to take the car for repairs for the last 18 months. OPs salary is topped up by benefits and he earns 100K. In this scenario I would actually give him the £300 out of my savings and end the relationship.

Beelezebub · 02/09/2022 20:46

So he knows you’re going to burn through your savings this winter paying your fuel bills and he earns over 100k, he borrowed your car and returned it with an empty tank and no mention of any petrol money, is fully aware of your financial position because you’re supposed to be buying a house together, but he wants £300 for a scratch you cause 18 months ago and can’t show you an itemised bill for the work?

What a prize twat he sounds.

Blueink · 02/09/2022 20:46

The use of your car for so many miles and leaving your tank empty is also disrespectful

Milesty1 · 02/09/2022 20:50

Major red flags 🚩 not someone I’d want to buy a house with, or if I did I’d want to consult a solicitor privately first to protect myself… most offer one hour free consult so def something to look into! And how will you manage bills etc with the disparity between wages, it’s not fair if you go 50/50, but will he be happy to work it out by %. Just sounds like a lot of risk for you tbh.

Reigateforever · 02/09/2022 20:52

We pay for Insurance to cover the costs we cannot afford. In claiming we lose, in your case £150. You offered to go through the right channels, he refused the offer, you could offer the £150 which you would have paid but your car because he refused the offer, has not been repaired.

Regarding living with him and buying a house, things should be seen by a solicitor, and agreed on. What about seeing one by yourself, he doesn’t have to know. so you know where you stand? What will happen when you have a baby, your loss of income, mortgage payments on percentage of earnings will equal what percentage of the house as do don’t earn the same and the up-keep of your pension. He has got the upper hand earning more, he doesn’t sound the type of man who counts in the fact housework and the upbringing of his child as of value.