Page 13 | Do I pay for the damage I caused?

GogglesM · 2022-09-01T20:14:53+00:00

18 months ago, whilst reversing out of my boyfriend's drive, I accidentally scraped his car with my own. I was, of course, mortified and I offered at the time to go through my insurance and make a claim, or to pay to repair it privately. He told me not to worry about it and it hasn't been mentioned since. My boyfriends car is on finance and he is now giving it back to the dealership and he is hoping to use his car to negotiate a deal on a new car. He recently got all of the scrapes repaired (including the one I caused) and it cost him just shy of £1,000. There was no mention of me paying anything towards this until after he had got the bill and had already paid. He is now asking me for a contribution of £300 towards the cost, for the scrape I caused. I've said that I'm happy to go through the insurance, but, even though I did offer cash 18 months ago, I now cannot afford to pay privately for the repair due to the cost of living. My boyfriend doesn't want to go through the insurance as he has had to make a claim recently and he worries it will affect his excess and future insurance costs. He's also said it is a lot of hassle to go through the insurance. I do also find it a little odd to be asking for the money 18 months on, but that's by the by, and I haven't said that to him. Our relationship has moved on to the point where we will be buying a house together soon and it is serious. There's also a large wage disparity between us, I earn a modest wage with a benefit top up and he earns over £100k. That's not to say I shouldn't pay for damage I have caused, it's just the whole situation feels a bit off to me, especially to be asking for the money now so long after the incident. What would you do in this situation?

Sally2791 · 02/09/2022 23:17

Something doesn’t feel right about this. You offered, he declined, now 1.5 years later wants the money despite apparently earning shed loads? I’d be very wary about a deeper involvement.

AlexandriasWindmill · 02/09/2022 23:21

I don't think you should show him this thread. He won't respond well to it because it's likely it won't match his self-image.

YorkshireRog · 02/09/2022 23:23

I can’t decide what I think about this one. I think lots of people have been quite harsh on the guy tho. If he paid a grand and asking for 300 it is different to paying and asking for £300. And it is that awkward stage in the relationship where you might be about to commit more but you aren’t there yet. He probably wasn’t sure what to do either and managed it a bit pear shaped. I think paying the insurance excess that you would have paid, as someone suggested, isn’t a bad idea.

AlexandriasWindmill · 02/09/2022 23:29

He paid £1k to fix all the dents and scratches on his car. OP didn't cause them all. She asked for the garage breakdown and he said he didn't have one. So he just randomly decided that a third of the costs were allocated to OP's one scratch.
If he was being at all fair, he'd have asked for a breakdown and then deducted something for the 18 months wait. ..nah, actually, there is no justification for waiting 18 months to ask for cash in hand. He wouldn't be able to do that with a stranger so he's treating someone he is supposed to love, worse than a stranger.

Pixiedust1234 · 02/09/2022 23:32

YorkshireRog · 02/09/2022 23:23

I can’t decide what I think about this one. I think lots of people have been quite harsh on the guy tho. If he paid a grand and asking for 300 it is different to paying and asking for £300. And it is that awkward stage in the relationship where you might be about to commit more but you aren’t there yet. He probably wasn’t sure what to do either and managed it a bit pear shaped. I think paying the insurance excess that you would have paid, as someone suggested, isn’t a bad idea.

But he pulled the £300 amount out of thin air. Nobody knows how much her scratch costs, not even him. Why should she subsidise him fixing his other dents and scratches? Especially after a year and a half? Its utterly bonkers.

Marvellousmadness · 02/09/2022 23:33

If you move in with him
It will all go to shit

Mark my words

Dont do it.

scoobydoo1971 · 02/09/2022 23:43

Thank your lucky stars you got a full picture of who he is, before you buy a house with him. Please don't do that. He is on car finance on a high-salary, and that should tell you about his money priorities and need to drive around in a flash motor to show off to the world. It makes no financial sense to have a car loan on a high salary, against a vehicle that will depreciate in value each and every year it is on the road. I am a millionaire and drive a 6 year old bottom of the range car covered in scratches as I don't feel like showing off money to every burglar and gold digger within the village radius. I wouldn't dream of asking friends or family to pay towards the damage of my car in these circumstances as it is petty. Are you sure he earns what he claims to? You don't need a house, and you can save and buy a flat of your own. Renting is better than living with him, and you lose your benefits if you move in with a partner. His attitude towards money is on full display as reckless and irresponsible, and that will follow into any house purchase. On a high salary, he should have saved his deposit and have a place of his own. Most people hoping to get a mortgage application wouldn't go out seeking a new finance plan that may affect the affordability checks. I would check you don't have a walter mitty character who makes up his earnings to make himself feel more important. I dated one of those once and caught him out by checking his accounting files as certain things didn't stack up. I ran away afterwards as he was in loads of debt, and not earning what he claimed. He didn't even own the house he claimed to outright. The fact he prioritises a car on finance over bricks and mortar tells you who he is. He will use you to buy the house, and you will have to work extra hard to keep up payments as you indirectly fund his lifestyle. Run and fast...

Munthy · 02/09/2022 23:51

I agree….red flags right there in my opinion

Munthy · 02/09/2022 23:54

Exactly no break down of costs he’s just come up with that price. He’s on 100k too hmm or is he? Who knows eh but 18 months later is odd too x

Munthy · 02/09/2022 23:55

☝defo agree

GirlOfTudor · 02/09/2022 23:56

Yea you should pay for the damage you caused. The difference now is that your bf is selling the car. When you caused the damage, he wasn't selling it. £300 isn't that much for scraping his car tbh.

Regarding the house... Will you be splitting the bills and the mortgage 50/50? Or in accordance to your wages?
You mentioned you have a modest amount of savings... Is this what you'll be using for your share of the deposit?
You also mentioned not having any savings left after winter... Is this really the right time to be buying a house? There are so many unexpected costs with buying property, and if you can see money being tight due to just energy bills alone, perhaps now isn't the right time to buy.
You said you get your wage topped up with benefits. Do you have children then?

Munthy · 02/09/2022 23:57

Incorrect he also damaged car and has had that repaired same time. He has no break down of costs either.

Munthy · 03/09/2022 00:00

👏well said

Fraaahnces · 03/09/2022 00:03

He is a CF. I would think very carefully about moving in together. Offer him the £150 that your excess would have cost when you originally scratched the car. Remind him that this was what you suggested originally and all you had intended on spending.

blueshoes · 03/09/2022 00:13

scoobydoo1971 · 02/09/2022 23:43

Thank your lucky stars you got a full picture of who he is, before you buy a house with him. Please don't do that. He is on car finance on a high-salary, and that should tell you about his money priorities and need to drive around in a flash motor to show off to the world. It makes no financial sense to have a car loan on a high salary, against a vehicle that will depreciate in value each and every year it is on the road. I am a millionaire and drive a 6 year old bottom of the range car covered in scratches as I don't feel like showing off money to every burglar and gold digger within the village radius. I wouldn't dream of asking friends or family to pay towards the damage of my car in these circumstances as it is petty. Are you sure he earns what he claims to? You don't need a house, and you can save and buy a flat of your own. Renting is better than living with him, and you lose your benefits if you move in with a partner. His attitude towards money is on full display as reckless and irresponsible, and that will follow into any house purchase. On a high salary, he should have saved his deposit and have a place of his own. Most people hoping to get a mortgage application wouldn't go out seeking a new finance plan that may affect the affordability checks. I would check you don't have a walter mitty character who makes up his earnings to make himself feel more important. I dated one of those once and caught him out by checking his accounting files as certain things didn't stack up. I ran away afterwards as he was in loads of debt, and not earning what he claimed. He didn't even own the house he claimed to outright. The fact he prioritises a car on finance over bricks and mortar tells you who he is. He will use you to buy the house, and you will have to work extra hard to keep up payments as you indirectly fund his lifestyle. Run and fast...

This.

I am also thinking a Walter Mitty character. How much do you know about his finances?

millymae · 03/09/2022 00:28

I can't get my head round the fact that he earns £100,000, knows how little you earn, yet now expects you to pay 30% of the cost of repairs he's had to have done on his lease car before he hands it back to take account of the repair to the damage you caused over a year ago and offered to put through your insurance at the time.
i know we all have different attitudes towards money but him asking you to pay now makes me think he doesn't care about how difficult financially his request will make things for you. A loving and kind person would surely after all this time just paid the bill without asking for a contribution.
I'm another who feels you should be thinking long and hard about a deeper involvement with him. All the more so because there is such a disparity in your incomes.

i

DontBlameMe79 · 03/09/2022 00:49

Sounds like he may be shit testing you, before making the longer term house commitment.

I’ve done it myself to men and it can be helpful.

So ask them for something borderline outrageous, but theoretically justified, to see what sort of person they really are. In this case you are theoretically liable for the damage, but it’s a bit ridiculous this late. If you say “no problem, it was my fault”, then he knows you’re a person of integrity. If you kick off about it (as most on here recommend), then he could have a gold digger on his hands.

We use this tactic on men pretty relentlessly to test them, so maybe he’s not a “total cunt” after all and actually a smart cookie.

If this is what’s happening, then when you offer to pay, he’ll just say “ah, don’t bother, it’s ok”.

vroom321 · 03/09/2022 00:56

What type of job gets you £100,000. I've seen it mentioned on here a lot lately.

Supermum29 · 03/09/2022 00:58

Op you only lay your insurance excess if you claim for damage to your own car. If the claim was only for his damage there would be none to pay. The trouble is you don’t have any cost of repairs just for the damage you caused and your insurers will rely on images and to get one of their engineers to estimate what they would have paid, which is likely to be less than your partner paid. I’ve worked 14 years in insurance and to be honest i think you’ve gone too far down the road now. In my view he had the opportunity 18 months ago to decide how to go ahead, either via insurance or privately. He chose to make arrangements without discussing with you first. Clearly had no intention of going the insurance route from what he has said and has now just expected you to cough up. I’d be firm here and say no, especially if he is aware of your financial situation.

Autumn61 · 03/09/2022 01:08

Not nice I know and please excuse my language, but give hime the £300 and fucking move well away from him.Is he hiding his financial situation from you? All the refusals to go through insurance and then over one and a half years later asking you for money! There are so many alarm bells ringing with this situation.

Ineke · 03/09/2022 01:21

If you are moving in together your top up benefits will cease. Ask your self some serious questions, you say that you are buying a house together, how will this work with such disparities in earnings, are both your names on the mortgage? You are not married so have no automatic rights to any property if he alone is on the mortgage. I would be cautious and get some legal advice for your security. As to paying for the damage, that ship has sailed. You offered and he declined.

blueshoes · 03/09/2022 01:43

DontBlameMe79 · 03/09/2022 00:49

Sounds like he may be shit testing you, before making the longer term house commitment.

I’ve done it myself to men and it can be helpful.

So ask them for something borderline outrageous, but theoretically justified, to see what sort of person they really are. In this case you are theoretically liable for the damage, but it’s a bit ridiculous this late. If you say “no problem, it was my fault”, then he knows you’re a person of integrity. If you kick off about it (as most on here recommend), then he could have a gold digger on his hands.

We use this tactic on men pretty relentlessly to test them, so maybe he’s not a “total cunt” after all and actually a smart cookie.

If this is what’s happening, then when you offer to pay, he’ll just say “ah, don’t bother, it’s ok”.

"Shit testing"?

We use this tactic on men pretty relentlessly to test them, so maybe he’s not a “total cunt” after all and actually a smart cookie.

Who is 'We' who goes around 'Shit testing'. Is this some kind of fantasy role play?

DontBlameMe79 · 03/09/2022 01:52

blueshoes · 03/09/2022 01:43

"Shit testing"?

We use this tactic on men pretty relentlessly to test them, so maybe he’s not a “total cunt” after all and actually a smart cookie.

Who is 'We' who goes around 'Shit testing'. Is this some kind of fantasy role play?

Show quote history

Settle petal…Google is your friend on this one.

rangagirl · 03/09/2022 02:00

I tend to agree - you pay for the damage you cause, even if they are a millionaire and you aren't.

Besides, going through insurance is impractical, because deductibles may be more than the amount he is asking her to pay - the average excess for claims is $500.

Although other commenters have a good point about sitting down to have a serious budget discussion before cohabiting. Does he expect 50% contribution to bills with such a large income gap? If so, she may not be able to afford 50% of the bills on the type of home HE may be able to afford. So they have to buy a very modest home and keep a close eye on the usage of utilities and groceries, so she can afford her 50% of the cost - which he may not like if he expects his lifestyle and house to reflect his earnings.

me109f · 03/09/2022 02:30

He sounds like a tight-arsed twat. The incident must be eating at him still and he wants his pound of flesh. Just talk to him, and settle his attitude. It is a bit late to be bringing this up and if there is a disparity in income he really should get over it. Have a kindly discussion over it, and tell him you were very sorry about it at the time but you cannot really afford £300, and perhaps he could let it go.

If he is still whining, offer him £50 as he seems to be so short of cash.

If he is still unhappy, well, maybe, this may not be the guy for you. With his income, why is he driving a car on finance? With that sort of arrangement you really have to take care of a car, it would put me off doing it because you have to be really wary of throwing a car about, leaving it on the street at night, and parking in general. It must be a posing thing. Buy him an arse-bleaching token for Christmas.