AIBU for not going to my sisters wedding or paying for it?

[maxaten]

I have three sisters. Sister 1 is 35. She’s the main one here so I refer to her as Catherine. My other sisters 2 and 3 as ages 27 and 29. I am 34. Our dad died when I was 17. As I was his only son and older the younger two I took on a sort of fatherly roll for them in certain situations. One of them being my sisters weddings. When my sister 2 and 3 got married I walked them both down the aisle and gave them away. I also paid for their weddings.

Meanwhile Catherine has always said her entire life that she never wanted to get married and was anti-marriage so it never came up. Until last month when my sister announced that she is getting married. She and her fiancé have apparently already picked a wedding date (they want a winter wedding on the same day they first started dating). They have also already booked their venue and caterers. She is expecting me to reimburse her the costs.

The thing is my wife and I are expecting twins. We hadn’t wanted to tell our families until far later in the pregnancy because it is high risk. My wife and I also live in the states. Given that she would be heavily pregnant by the date of the wedding I do not want to be halfway across the word in a different country from her. Also due to the many upcoming expense we are expecting I will also not be able to afford to pay for Catherine’s wedding.

For those above reasons my wife and I agreed it would be okay to let Catherine in on secret about the pregnancy so she would know that I wouldn’t be able to be there or contribute much to the costs.

Catherine did not take it well at all. She says I am being unfair and playing favorites like always ( I think she says that because I looked after them more because they were younger). She says I should have planned better by telling everyone sooner about the pregnancy and that I should have had money set aside for her wedding because they can’t afford the wedding themselves and she probably won’t be able to get her deposits back. She also says that since my wife's due date isn't for another month after the wedding that it shouldn't even be an issue. She is now saying she will cut me off if I don’t treat her equally as our other sisters and come to the wedding as well as pay for it.

AIBU?

Support?

As someone who has worked with child loss support groups theres unfortunately rarely such a thing, people honestly say the stupidest and most selfish things ('it was for the best there was probably something wrong with it', 'well it was only a miscarraige not actually losing an actual child', 'lots of women have them your not special', 'you can just have another' etc...) when it comes to child loss and most people want to avoid that heartache which is specifically why most people dont tell.

When I (an infertile women who tried for years and needed medical help to concieve so it was in all my notes) lost my baby I was told by medical profesionals things like 'you'll get pregnant again straight away, it always happens' (spoiler I didnt, it took IVF and 3 years) and 'well at least you got to be pregnant some women dont even get that'.

Just look at the lady who comment on the thread yesterday about how when he teenage DS died her best friend made it all about how upset SHE was and how she kept talking about her own healthy teenage DS and how she couldnt cope if she lost him then ghosted the woman because it was too hard to think about... unfortunately too common behavior.

What about her fiancé? I'd be so embarrassed to think my wedding was being funded by emotional blackmail of my new BIL who's younger than me and just starting a family.

I can’t understand at all the people saying OP is being unreasonable. I rarely disagree with the consensus on here but am truly baffled. OP did a kind thing when he was in a different financial position. He’s not a parent! And now his situation has changed. Catherine is being so unreasonable I am almost lost for words

This.

'Catherine' is a huge CF.

Your circumstances have changed now and you cannot afford to pay for it, its that simple,

Why would you pay for your OLDER sisters wedding? When she's a grown ass 35 year old woman marrying a grown ass man!!! (*or
Woman)

She can pay for her own, you're not her Dad!! She's your older sister whose had longer to work and save up than you have and than your sisters did at the time they married.

Also you paid for your younger sisters weddings when they were starting out and young, when you were single earning lots, not married and were childfree. You aren't now and you have twins on the way and no longer in that position. It was years ago. Life changes

Jeez - Catherine is entitled selfish woman and no you don't owe her a wedding that you find, she owes you half of your younger siblings wedding Costs! I'd be saying I didn't expect you to pay your share of our younger siblings weddings so take that as your gift and pay for own way as a grown adult 35 year old woma, you know I only helped out back then as I could at the time being single and child free as they were so young still and very young when Dad died.

Well it would be nice if you could give her something but if you can't you can't!

Ridiculous to book something & expect you to pay though.

How old were your other sisters when they married-they & their husbands must have contributed something!

Can't see why being young means you don't pay for your own wedding!

Save up & marry when you have the money!

I think I'd explain that you were single with no financial commitments at the time you helped your other sisters and now your circumstances are different.

Having said that I'd also say you would be happy to discuss giving them a contribution and would want to be at the wedding but your own circumstances preclude that.

Let her cut you out. She’s unreasonable in both fronts. Any reasonable person would understand you don’t want to travel and understand the financial situation is now different. Why can’t she pay for it herself given her age I assume she has worked for some time .

This. It is important to her.

From your explanation of the situation, the answer is off course your sister is being unreasonable.
It would be interesting to know though the history and dynamics of the relationship. From her point of view you may have always treated her differently?

This. Surely it's not because you're a bloke but because you're older than the other two? She should have helped with their weddings! She's being very sexist.

None of us have a crystal ball - we just have to do what we can at the time of events occurring!

Max I’ve read all your posts and cannot believe some of the responses on here. As a kind brother acting in a fatherly way you very kindly helped your two younger sisters with their weddings. It’s outstandingly generous of you.

Catherine is acting the piece of work here. She at the age of 35 expecting you to pay for her wedding is exceedingly selfish. Not only that she booked everything expecting you to pay without you offering. What mature adult woman does that.

You do not have to justify your different financial circumstances. Giving birth in America is expensive even with medical insurance. With twins it’s higher risk. And likely the birth will be before term, so your wife will not be allowed to fly and you have to be with her in case it’s an early birth and also because twins is automatically a higher risk.

If I were one of your two younger sisters I’d refuse to go to the wedding based on Catherine’s treatment of you. Have they stood up for you. I suspect you’ve also contributed financially in other ways since the sad death of your father young.

Congratulations on your marriage and pending fatherhood. Your wife and children are your priorities now. Not your self entitled sister. Not one penny should you give her. She should not be planning a wedding if she cannot afford it, she’s had nearly 15 working years to save for it. Why has she no money. What about her fiancé. Bonkers. Best of luck.

I think that this is the basics of it-she just sees herself as being treated differently.

@maxaten Not that you have to and I'm sure it would be hard if not impossible, but could you say you'll give her some money at some point in future if/when you can afford it? Then she can payfor what she can afford for a wedding, or wait until you can afford it.

Twins often come early I would advise against going the figures I was told is 50% are born early I had mine at 32 weeks don’t be alarmed though they are happy and healthy.
best of luck with everything I personally think your sister is just going to have to delay and save, would be nice if your other sisters could contribute though.

YANBU

you could afford to do a lovely thing before, you can’t afford to now.

She's being treated differently .... well yes, because circumstances are entirely different.

She was an adult (just) when her father died.

OP took on a parental role to his younger siblings. A parental role to an older sister would have been weird.

Part of this parental role was to help with their weddings, which at the time was financially doable.

He has never had a parental role to his older sister.
His older sister has got married at a later stage, when she is presumably financially settled herself.

His circumstances have changed and he is no longer able to finance a sibling's wedding - presumably this would be the situation if his younger sister was getting married this year as well.

As to presenting him with a bill without consultation or discussion - WELL!

I thought you sounded like a massive knob head from your title. But reading your op and subsequent posts I've changed my mind. Yanbu.

And at what point in the future will she be paying him?

i think you shot yourself in the foot paying for the other two like it was a given

youre not her father though sorry to say and things have changed-she should never have just booked a wedding without asking first noone does that

my df paid for two of our weddings now says he cant afford to give our sister anything for hers she is hurt but there is an age gap and other cirumstances as to why

No, I wouldn't be paying. She sounds entitled, at 35 she should be paying for her own wedding.

You need to tell your sister this. She has a big cheek asking you to pay: does she not have an established job?