AIBU for not going to my sisters wedding or paying for it?

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I have three sisters. Sister 1 is 35. She’s the main one here so I refer to her as Catherine. My other sisters 2 and 3 as ages 27 and 29. I am 34. Our dad died when I was 17. As I was his only son and older the younger two I took on a sort of fatherly roll for them in certain situations. One of them being my sisters weddings. When my sister 2 and 3 got married I walked them both down the aisle and gave them away. I also paid for their weddings.

Meanwhile Catherine has always said her entire life that she never wanted to get married and was anti-marriage so it never came up. Until last month when my sister announced that she is getting married. She and her fiancé have apparently already picked a wedding date (they want a winter wedding on the same day they first started dating). They have also already booked their venue and caterers. She is expecting me to reimburse her the costs.

The thing is my wife and I are expecting twins. We hadn’t wanted to tell our families until far later in the pregnancy because it is high risk. My wife and I also live in the states. Given that she would be heavily pregnant by the date of the wedding I do not want to be halfway across the word in a different country from her. Also due to the many upcoming expense we are expecting I will also not be able to afford to pay for Catherine’s wedding.

For those above reasons my wife and I agreed it would be okay to let Catherine in on secret about the pregnancy so she would know that I wouldn’t be able to be there or contribute much to the costs.

Catherine did not take it well at all. She says I am being unfair and playing favorites like always ( I think she says that because I looked after them more because they were younger). She says I should have planned better by telling everyone sooner about the pregnancy and that I should have had money set aside for her wedding because they can’t afford the wedding themselves and she probably won’t be able to get her deposits back. She also says that since my wife's due date isn't for another month after the wedding that it shouldn't even be an issue. She is now saying she will cut me off if I don’t treat her equally as our other sisters and come to the wedding as well as pay for it.

AIBU?

You are not being remotely unreasonable. She's being a brat. Circumstances change, not everything can always be equal, that's just life. Of course you can't risk putting yourself and your family in financial difficulty over this and she's seriously unreasonable to expect you to.

Catherine sounds very entitled. She should not have booked a wedding if she couldn't pay for it in full and under the assumption that you would contribute towards.

I can understand his Catherine must feel regardless, but tough! You're their sibling not their father. You don't owe her anything. Your circumstances have changed and she should not recognise that (since you've told her about the pregnancy).

You said you were single when you gave your sisters money but now with a wife surely she gets a say in your finances?

Catherine sounds like a user. You are absolutely not obligated to pay for anything. Even if you did pay for the other two sisters, I'm sure when you offered, they gave you sufficient notice and discussed with you the arrangements so that you could establish you could afford it.

Expecting you to pay for a wedding at short notice when you're having twins, and not consulting you about any of the arrangements to ensure you could afford it, and then threatening to cut you off when you say you can't, doesn't sound like the actions of someone you want to keep in your life.

OP you are not being unreasonable at all! You can't give money you don't have and I certainly wouldn't want my husband leaving me a month before the due date if I was having twins for what should be obvious reasons to your sister.

I can't believe the other posters saying YABU for not paying/contributing, why should you? Just because you're a man? She's the eldest why wasn't it her responsibility to take on the extra parental role? Fair enough if she wants you to take on the ceremonial role of giving her away being her closest male relative if she wants to do that tradition and being upset you can't come. But she has to understand your reasoning.

Bit bloody presumptuous to book thinking you'd pay without even so much as a conversation first or even checking you could make the date considering you live abroad!

*You aren’t being unreasonable to not go.

neither are you being unreasonable not to pay BUT given you paid for your other siblings I can see why your sister isn’t impressed.*
But surely the reason he treated her differently is she is older than him. He paid for his much younger sisters weddings as he felt responsible for them when their father died. Catherine is older than OP and as the eldest perhaps she too should have helped the younger two?
You are not being unreasonable . There is no reason you should have to pay for her wedding just because you are the only boy.

YANBU.

Your sister is older than you and should have saved for her own wedding. Why can't her fiance contribute? Let her cut you off if she wants to. Flying hundreds of miles when your wife is 8 months pregnant is unreasonable. Many children are born prematurely or need to be induced. You can't be expected to miss the births.

I am surprised you paid for your younger sisters' weddings though.

Why on earth would she make all the bookings before even discussing it with you? Although she is the eldest of all of you, I'm guessing she didn't contribute to any of the weddings - yours, or the two sisters. It was generous of you to pay for the weddings of your two younger sisters; you could have asked Catherine to contribute then, but you didn't, and didn't expect that you would ever have to deal with a wedding for Catherine given her clearly stated views. She sounds like a nightmare saying you have failed to plan! It would appear to be a blessing (not even thinly disguised) that she has said she will cut you off if you don't attend and pay for her wedding; has she not saved towards this event herself?

Congratulations on expecting twins. I doubt you are entertaining Catherine as a name for either if a girl...

I second this!!

Your responsibility is to your wife and future twins. Try to send your sister a generous wedding gift but other than that you don't owe her anything. Tell her you can't give her away or attend if she sticks to her chosen date but if she puts it back you will attend and give her away if that is what she wants. You were incredibly kind to pay for the weddings of your you get sisters. Catherine will just need to save up like most other brides. In UK most brides and grooms pay for their own weddings not Father's anymore.

I can see why your sister thinks you are playing favourites. You sound a bit tied up in your “man of the family” role. And odd about it being about the relative ages of your siblings. A bit self- important.

But I can also see that you’re in a dilemma. It’s perfectly reasonable to stay with your wife during a difficult pregnancy.

But you are a little hoist by your own petard over having paid for two weddings but not the third.

I am really struggling to understand why anyone thinks that the OP should feel obliged to pay towards his older sister's wedding simply because he paid for the younger two, or to suggest that "Catherine" has somehow been treated unfairly. She hasn't.

It is abundantly clear that he paid for the younger two because he assumed a pseudo-parental role following the death of their father. He never had the same kind of relationship with "Catherine" because, well, she was older than him. If anything, she should have been the one acting in a pseudo-parental capacity for him. Where was her contribution to his wedding, I wonder?

The OP paid for the younger sisters' weddings in his capacity as an older sibling. It seems that some people are somehow ignoring this key fact, and assuming that he paid for their weddings ^as the man of the family". And they seem to think that, as the only male sibling, he should for some inexplicable reason feel equally obliged to provide financially for all of his female siblings, regardless of their ages relative to his own. The sexism must be deeply ingrained indeed for people to look at it like this. How depressing.

The entitlement here is breathtaking. Why on earth should the OP offer anything at all. He has no financial obligations to his sister. Not legally and not morally. Not one.

You’re not obligated to pay for her wedding, you did it for your other sisters at the time when your circumstances were very different. I’m shocked that Catherine can’t understand that actually but then people will always disappoint! Don’t let this take away from the exciting news of your twins (congrats) or the lovely gestures you’ve already made to your younger sisters in the past because you were able to at the time. You sound like a really lovely brother ☺️

I think she is unreasonable to expect so many years later for you to contribute when she's by the sounds of things always said she didn't want to get married.

She's doubly unreasonable to book things assuming she's going to be given £££ to pay for it.

YANBU to not want to pay OR go (FWIW my twins came at 36 weeks) - but honestly, while I don't think she should have made any assumptions I can kind of see why she might.

I can see why your sister thinks you are playing favourites. You sound a bit tied up in your “man of the family” role. And odd about it being about the relative ages of your siblings. A bit self- important.

The younger ones were 10 and 12 when they lost their father. OP was 17 and presumably still living at home. I can see how the dynamic came about.

Frankly he didn't have to pay for anybody's wedding but the other sisters were young when they married and he was at a very different stage of life so could afford to be generous. His older sister has had years to build up her finances and shouldn't have assumed she could book a wedding and send him the bill.

Look your sisters probably see you as the flush brother who has done well in the US........... And why shouldn't they? You paid for 2 of your sisters' weddings. Why would the 3rd sister think that you would treat her differently? I do think this is unfair.

Of course you can't go to the wedding. And of course you can't pay for it given what else is going on in your life, however, I do think Catherine has a right to be pissed off as you are treating her differently.

Are you British, living abroad? If so, could you and your wife both come over to the wedding and I'm to have the babies here?

This!

Why would they want to have their babies away from home and current doctor etc?

You think a high risk late term pregnant women should be on an 8 hour flight which could induce labour and "aim" to have her babies in a foreign country to appease an entitled relative?!

Why on Earth would he suggest risking the life of his wife and children? This is insane!

Twins!

Catherine is 35 and and should be able to pay for her own wedding. She is an entitled brat. There is no obligation for a brother to pay for any weddings, and just because you paid for the other two - when you were in a position to do so - does not mean you have to pay for hers as well. I cannot imagine being her age and expecting someone else to pay for my wedding.

I also agree that you shouldn't go to the wedding - and after her behaviour she wouldn't even be getting a gift from me.

Wow! She is very entitled. She could have asked you first, and it would then be understandable if she was a little disappointed but she should have understood why.

You are not their father you don’t have to give them ‘even’ gifts. I gave my much younger DB a car when he was 21, I never would have given that to my older DSis and she would never have expected it, that would have been bizarre.

You are absolutely not paying for a 35 year old woman’s wedding, it’s ridiculous. She’s being unreasonable on all fronts.

The fact that she said that if you didn't pay it's the end of your relationship says it all. How incredibly insulting. Let her have her little fit of pique, cut her off, and enjoy your new little family.