Close friend uninvited me from 30th because of my ex

[AlenaMacc]

It’s a long story so please bear with me.

One of my closest friends is celebrating her 30th birthday this Saturday and has invited me to the party (I live abroad so it was amazing luck that I happened to be here for it). I told her I’ll come at 7pm after I BF my 10-month old before his bedtime, after which I’ll leave him with my parents and join the celebration.

However, yesterday she rang me and told me that she completely forgot about it, but before knowing I was going to be here for her celebration, she invited my ex boyfriend. She asked me if I had any issues with this, and I told her I have none whatsoever - the whole thing seems like a lifetime ago to me and I have long since moved on with my life. She told me that she’ll ask my ex as well as she doesn’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable.

She then called me back and said that he apparently has an issue with me being there and asked me to come earlier and leave before he arrives. However this is not an option for me as the birthday location is out of town, and this coincides with my baby’s dinner/bath/BF/bedtime routine. She’s not close to my ex at all whilst me and her are very very close so I expected her to say “okay then, just come as we discussed originally and your ex can grow up and sort himself out” or something of the sort.

However, she then told me “that’s okay, we can meet on Monday instead”. I then told her that I really want to be there and that it’s really shitty that we have to allow his behaviour and let it get in the way of us celebrating together. She essentially told me that she feels really bad that she invited him and had she known that he’ll be like that, she wouldn’t have and that some people don’t grow up. I made it a point that I really want to be there and his behaviour is infuriating but she ended the conversation by saying “don’t be angry, I really wanted you to be here as well but what can you do”.

A bit of backstory - me and my ex dated in high school for 2.5years (this was 10 years ago). The breakup was very messy and he took it very badly. Fast forward to 10yrs later, I have long forgotten about this, have dated many men since, gotten married, had children etc. He however apparently has only just started dating somebody, his first gf since our break up.

My friend isn’t at all close with my ex - her fiancé used to be in the same friend circle with my ex in high school, but haven’t kept in touch since. Recently they went out once with him and his new GF and my friend decided to invite them to her birthday on the spur of the moment. However, my friend is one of my closest ones, she was my bridesmaid, we are in a very close friend circle, we’ve been through a lot together, etc.

I can’t stop thinking about this since it happened yesterday - I feel betrayed, I feel like she chose my ex instead of me, I can’t believe that she essentially uninvited me from her 30th because of someone whom she only saw once recently. I felt very hurt yesterday and came to the conclusion that her friendship with me is not a priority to her anymore and that I should accept it and move on. My other friends think that I should give her a chance and speak to her about it, however I don’t want to ruin her 30th and I also don’t know if there’s anything that she can say that will fix this for me. At the same time I am wondering if I am just overreacting. AIBU?

I'd start stepping away, leave the ball in her court but stop maintaining the friendship on my end. It's clear she doesn't value you as much as you value her.

Also your 'ex' (high school boyfriends really don't count as serious exes in my world) sounds like an absolute fucking loser and needs to get a grip.

I didn’t to be honest - I didn’t want to dampen her spirits before her 30th so didn’t want to make her feel bad…

But you wouldn't be making her feel bad. He is. He's dictating to her what friends she can invite to her 30th. She's daft to have asked him his opinion on who else comes.

So you stand up for your friendship.
Life is too short. She's doesn't have to let him dictate who comes to her 30th party nor pick a difficult acquaintance over a genuine long friendship of hers . It's so long ago and you have a baby now , no one cares about a teenage romance 10 years ago...

I'd dismiss his silliness and say' of course I'm coming wouldn't miss it for the world. Looking forward to catching up with everyone! '

It kinda feels like OP has done that anyway as they hadn’t specifically come back from abroad to make one of their closest friends birthdays?

I'd accept this person is no longer a real friend and move them into the acquaintance folder in my head. Sorry, it is very tough but she has been clear what she thinks about you.

I see you are now busy on the Monday with a relative, hopefully you'll catch up with her soon (never).

@AlenaMacc isnt the solution that your ex goes early (when you can’t) and leaves before you arrive.

id suggest that to your friend before you back away from the friendship.

as it sounds like none of them have young children they probably don’t realise why the early slot doesn’t work for you. So tell her - down to avoid each other, let’s do it the other way around though, I’ll be there from 9pm (or whenever)?

I think this sort of thing is quite common when you live abroad. I've been there! You'll find that some old friends will start to prioritize new relationships and the connections that are there all the time. If your friend and the ex have mutual friends, it's in her interests to protect her place within that group.

Depending on how you felt about the friendship ending, if send a 'I'm not missing your 30th for anyone, see you then' and still go.

Mainly because its so pathetic, it was 10 years ago.

This would be valid if the friend hadn't already invited her. The OP wasn't pushing herself initially, but had already been invited and had accepted the invitation. It's incredibly rude to uninvite someone, whatever the circumstances.

Look lots of PPs saying NC or LC the friendship from now on.
Before you take that step first try the tactics I suggested
As it's ridiculous to see a teenage romance like this and for your teenage ex to dictate to your friend about who she can have at her 30th party!

If your friend doubles down and insists you cannot come, then at least you've tried before you walk away from this friend.
Part of being an old and good friend is being able to be honest with them and telling them if they are listening to a selfish person and making a ridiculous decision to people please . She either values your friendship or she doesn't.

This ^

She invited you in the spur of the moment and didn't expect you to accept. She now has a quandary with numbers/other guests/ex boyfriend and decided you are no longer a priority I am sorry to say.

I would send her a final text saying you are hurt you won't be with her now for her 30th birthday party but you respect her decision and I would never contact her again. That would be the end. There is no coming back from her shitty actions.

I lived overseas for years, and I have to say this is not exceptional at all. People will prioritise friends they see more often.

You're smarting from the perceived rejection which is understandable but your friend is in an awkward position. She didn't expect you to be around for her party. She clearly has more of a friendship with your ex than you realised and had already invited him. It's the timing that's tricky. See her on Monday to try to get a better understanding maybe? Then decide if there's still a good friendship to maintain or not.

I am actually with the friend here. She has tried really hard to behave fairly and with honour. She invited ex because she didn't think you'd be here. After then inviting you, she realised the history and did the right thing asking you both if you were ok with it - in fact, she asked you first. It is not her fault that he isn't ok with it, and she invited him first. She has tried to arrange to see you on another day.

On the face of it, ex is an idiot but then we don't know the full history. We also don't know that he didn't say that he doesn't want to see you and just won't come.

I think you should meet your friend on another day and talk it through. It is not a betrayal or something to fall out about. Taking the high ground and he will look ridiculous.

Shes invited you as you'd see photos on social media and didn't think you'd accept. Now she's backing out for the person she'll see more often. I'm not sure how close you can still be with a person you see once or twice a year so maybe you should just let friendship go.

What the hell did you do to the ex?! Kill his cat? Have a passionate affair with his dad?

Something similar happened to me - a friend I saw every week got married and she asked me to help her with a lot of wedding preparations. Then she invited my ex (who was part of her friendship circle too but only saw him about once a year). I'd had a nasty breakup with him years before. He said he wouldn't come if I was there, so she didn't invite me!

It did make me re-evaluate the friendship. I stopped contacting her after about a year after the wedding because I felt like I was the only one putting in the effort, and she never got in touch with me, so I assume she just didn't see me as that good of a friend. Haven't heard from her for about a decade.

What kindof grown adult can't be mature enough to be in the same place as an ex of 10 years?! At a party where they can easily avoid each other. Unless the relationship was abusive I think this ex just needs to grow the heck up.

That said, your friend shouldn't have given him the choice. That's quite a bizarre thing to so. I wonder if she actually just doesn't want you there. I'm sorry OP but whatever the exact circumstances I think this friend has made it clear that your friendship isn't really a priority to her. I wouldn't waste any more time or breath x

It would be seen in my circles as breaking the girl code though, and for that reason alone she would be dust. Our code we have had since we were young was always 'girls before guys' and it has put us all in a solid place when it comes to backing each other every time, and came into its own when we hit our 40s and 50s and many were getting divorced/betrayed. I know my friends and I are not alone in never making each other feel like this. It is bloody insulting putting your ex boyfriend before you, and she must know that.

She isn't a friend any longer. End of. You can keep in loose contact on SM if you want to - I wouldn't bother, but I would no longer see her as a proper friend, and definitely not a close one.

They're both being ridiculous.

I would send her a message today (it’s not like the party is tonight) and say that you were upset about disinvited from the party because of the ex. You had thought friend would just tell him to like it or lump it based on the fact you’re her close friend and he’s basically an acquaintance.
if friendships have in fact changed, then you wish her well and while you’re sad about it all, you feel it’s better to be honest about things rather than regret any misunderstandings in the future.

not saying anything will allow things to fester and let’s face it, it’s going to feel impossibly awkward to bring it up on Monday should you meet up with her then (or any time in the future). And what if you did and she’s horrified and hadn’t realised (somehow) that you were bothered and says “you should have been honest and told me, I’d have told him to jog on.”

i know you have been but sometimes people misunderstand and she could have somehow thought you needing to sort the baby out first was in fact a huge issue for you and leaving the baby was difficult so maybe thinks she’s doing you a favour. I know it’s stupid and unlikely but people are strange sometimes.

telling her now means it can possibly be cleared up and if not, we’ll at least you know now and it’s only a party on Saturday, not a wedding so you won’t be ruining anything bringing it up today.

How utterly pathetic of friend. Who disinvites someone when the invitation has been accepted? What's the ex going to do? Cry on the shoulder of his new GF about a relationship split 10 years ago?

I can't really understand why she put the choice to him rather than just telling him that you would be there!

Then he could go or not as he chose.

10yrs ago &he'll be there with his gf?

Probably it's nothing about not being able to cope with seeing you but the "power" of getting to say that you can't go.

This is my thinking too.

I agree that she has downplayed her friendship with your ex. I also agree that yanbu in feeling very hurt. I also wonder if she is in a very difficult position and had to choose to cancel one or the other of you. Its rubbish that you are the one she chose to cancel, but it is likely to be the case of she has become close to your ex and his gf, in which case she should have been honest with you, instead of leaving you feeling hurt and cut off.
Let the ball be in her court now, leave it to her to make arrangements for Monday, and if she does go along to see her and find out what is going on.

They are both being ridiculous. They are all adults and I'm sure can all be civil to each other on a night out!

She is allowing him to dictate her night .