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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Close friend uninvited me from 30th because of my ex

321 replies

AlenaMacc · 01/09/2022 05:56

It’s a long story so please bear with me.

One of my closest friends is celebrating her 30th birthday this Saturday and has invited me to the party (I live abroad so it was amazing luck that I happened to be here for it). I told her I’ll come at 7pm after I BF my 10-month old before his bedtime, after which I’ll leave him with my parents and join the celebration.

However, yesterday she rang me and told me that she completely forgot about it, but before knowing I was going to be here for her celebration, she invited my ex boyfriend. She asked me if I had any issues with this, and I told her I have none whatsoever - the whole thing seems like a lifetime ago to me and I have long since moved on with my life. She told me that she’ll ask my ex as well as she doesn’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable.

She then called me back and said that he apparently has an issue with me being there and asked me to come earlier and leave before he arrives. However this is not an option for me as the birthday location is out of town, and this coincides with my baby’s dinner/bath/BF/bedtime routine. She’s not close to my ex at all whilst me and her are very very close so I expected her to say “okay then, just come as we discussed originally and your ex can grow up and sort himself out” or something of the sort.

However, she then told me “that’s okay, we can meet on Monday instead”. I then told her that I really want to be there and that it’s really shitty that we have to allow his behaviour and let it get in the way of us celebrating together. She essentially told me that she feels really bad that she invited him and had she known that he’ll be like that, she wouldn’t have and that some people don’t grow up. I made it a point that I really want to be there and his behaviour is infuriating but she ended the conversation by saying “don’t be angry, I really wanted you to be here as well but what can you do”.

A bit of backstory - me and my ex dated in high school for 2.5years (this was 10 years ago). The breakup was very messy and he took it very badly. Fast forward to 10yrs later, I have long forgotten about this, have dated many men since, gotten married, had children etc. He however apparently has only just started dating somebody, his first gf since our break up.

My friend isn’t at all close with my ex - her fiancé used to be in the same friend circle with my ex in high school, but haven’t kept in touch since. Recently they went out once with him and his new GF and my friend decided to invite them to her birthday on the spur of the moment. However, my friend is one of my closest ones, she was my bridesmaid, we are in a very close friend circle, we’ve been through a lot together, etc.

I can’t stop thinking about this since it happened yesterday - I feel betrayed, I feel like she chose my ex instead of me, I can’t believe that she essentially uninvited me from her 30th because of someone whom she only saw once recently. I felt very hurt yesterday and came to the conclusion that her friendship with me is not a priority to her anymore and that I should accept it and move on. My other friends think that I should give her a chance and speak to her about it, however I don’t want to ruin her 30th and I also don’t know if there’s anything that she can say that will fix this for me. At the same time I am wondering if I am just overreacting. AIBU?

OP posts:
HotIsntIt · 01/09/2022 06:01

Rather than involving her, can you call him? See what the issue is and resolve between you

milesmachine · 01/09/2022 06:02

Wow, this is utter madness and YANBU to feel hurt and betrayed.

You've said that you mentioned several times in the conversation that you'd really like to come but did you express how hurt this made you feel (caveat, I realise a good friend should be able to work this out for herself!)

Do you intend to meet with her on the Monday?

Believeitornot · 01/09/2022 06:03

She went for dinner with him - you don’t do that with people you aren’t friends with. I’m willing to bet that he is part of her circle of friends.

MichelleScarn · 01/09/2022 06:03

It's absolutely madness! I'd be thinking must be a smoke screen for something else going on!

Original poster
AlenaMacc · 01/09/2022 06:05

HotIsntIt · 01/09/2022 06:01

Rather than involving her, can you call him? See what the issue is and resolve between you

He has blocked me from all social media etc as he took our breakup really badly at the time. I don’t think I can solve his issue as it’s got to do with him not wanting to see me, but I thought he’ll have moved on by now…

OP posts:
NameChangex3 · 01/09/2022 06:05

She obviously does not value the friendship as you do. And surely she knows how shitty she's being. She's playing dumb.

GreenManalishi · 01/09/2022 06:06

There's more to this that you're not aware of. Maybe her partner feels some allegiance to your ex and is pulling rank. Whatever the reason, this is shitty of her, I'm sorry.

oopsfellover · 01/09/2022 06:07

Your friend is being an idiot, and will probably
realise this soon enough. Asking you to arrive and leave at certain times is ridiculous -
if your ex has a problem he doesn’t need to attend and nobody else needs to overthink this. She deserves to know that you think this is out of order and that you’re hurt. I wouldn’t discard the friendship, but wouldn’t go to her do or make any other arrangement to meet at this stage.

Original poster
AlenaMacc · 01/09/2022 06:07

milesmachine · 01/09/2022 06:02

Wow, this is utter madness and YANBU to feel hurt and betrayed.

You've said that you mentioned several times in the conversation that you'd really like to come but did you express how hurt this made you feel (caveat, I realise a good friend should be able to work this out for herself!)

Do you intend to meet with her on the Monday?

I didn’t to be honest - I didn’t want to dampen her spirits before her 30th so didn’t want to make her feel bad…

OP posts:
FizzyTango · 01/09/2022 06:10

I wonder if she is closer to your ex than she is letting on. Or she sees that your ex and his new partner would be a good fit to socialise with in future and she doesn’t want to burn that bridge. It sounds horrible but I’ve learnt most people would rather take a lesser friend that is around all the time, than a good one they rarely see because they have moved abroad. It’s very cynical of me, but that’s how I am.
I would be really hurt in your situation too, I’m not sure what to suggest. I agree about not wanting to ruin her 30th. Sorry I can’t think of any good advice Flowers.

Original poster
AlenaMacc · 01/09/2022 06:15

FizzyTango · 01/09/2022 06:10

I wonder if she is closer to your ex than she is letting on. Or she sees that your ex and his new partner would be a good fit to socialise with in future and she doesn’t want to burn that bridge. It sounds horrible but I’ve learnt most people would rather take a lesser friend that is around all the time, than a good one they rarely see because they have moved abroad. It’s very cynical of me, but that’s how I am.
I would be really hurt in your situation too, I’m not sure what to suggest. I agree about not wanting to ruin her 30th. Sorry I can’t think of any good advice Flowers.

This is what I was thinking as well - in the end we only see each other 1/2 times per year due to me living abroad, and it makes sense for her to prioritise someone who lives nearby.

However this made me think that if this is the case, I too should stop making an effort with her. Up until now, every time I would come back, I have always tried to make time for her even though it’s very difficult - I only have so much time to see all my family and friends when back. But given this situation I wonder if I should continue doing this at all…

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 01/09/2022 06:15

She clearly is much closer to him than she’s making out. Her behaviour is an absolute disgrace all round.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 01/09/2022 06:17

I'd be very hurt and tbh I'd distance myself from her. She obviously doesn't care about your friendship as much as you do. She could easily tell your ex to deal with it and if he can't, not to go. I think she's behaving quite shitty tbh.

jalopy · 01/09/2022 06:17

There's something odd going on.

Doingmybest12 · 01/09/2022 06:18

I would think his new girlfriend is related to her/husband in some way otherwise it makes no sense although why are couldn't be honest who knows. Are you flaky in general and she has assumed you won't actually turn up? Are they all into drinking more/drug taking and she thinks you are a party pooper. I would arrange to see her and find out more. I would be very hurt too.

AlexClo · 01/09/2022 06:22

YABU Just let your friends celebrate her birthday with whoever she wants. She's clearly close with your ex now & cares about his feelings too - and you're feelings do not trump his.
You're not entitled to go to a specific party/celebration.
She has offered you alternative times to celebrate, accept one of those and let your friend enjoy her birthday celebrations.

Lurkingandlearning · 01/09/2022 06:24

I’m a cynic too. If you’ve made arrangements to meet her Monday don’t be surprised if she cancels. I’m sure she knows she’s been a shitty friend and won’t want to discuss it or even see a hurt expression on your face.

its sad but that friendship may have run its course.

StClare101 · 01/09/2022 06:33

I would not make myself available on Monday. Also your ex sounds pathetic.

JenniferBarkley · 01/09/2022 06:35

What's the story from his angle? It sounds like the breakup may have had a terrible affect on his mental health? If she chose you over him, is there a risk that he would take it very badly?

Is she thinking that he was invited/agreed to come first, and that if you show up her could become unwell or cause a scene at the party. Whereas if she asks you not to come, he can have a good time and she can properly catch up with you one on one on the Monday.

Meraas · 01/09/2022 06:36

This would be the end of the friendship for me.

Be busy on Monday.
Don’t ever tell her when you’re back in the country
Change her to restricted on Facebook so she can’t see your updates, with the aim of deleting her later on

Tlolljs · 01/09/2022 06:36

Perhaps she’s friends with the new girlfriend. In any case it’s a dick move.

Meraas · 01/09/2022 06:37

AlexClo · 01/09/2022 06:22

YABU Just let your friends celebrate her birthday with whoever she wants. She's clearly close with your ex now & cares about his feelings too - and you're feelings do not trump his.
You're not entitled to go to a specific party/celebration.
She has offered you alternative times to celebrate, accept one of those and let your friend enjoy her birthday celebrations.

Terrible advice.

sunshinealwayscomesback · 01/09/2022 06:37

I'm so sorry. That's awful. I would call her and be honest. It's better than the alternative of saying nothing. What a horrible thing to happen to you, that's awful.

hashbrownsandwich · 01/09/2022 06:38

Time to ditch her.

buzzbuzzybuzz · 01/09/2022 06:39

FizzyTango · 01/09/2022 06:10

I wonder if she is closer to your ex than she is letting on. Or she sees that your ex and his new partner would be a good fit to socialise with in future and she doesn’t want to burn that bridge. It sounds horrible but I’ve learnt most people would rather take a lesser friend that is around all the time, than a good one they rarely see because they have moved abroad. It’s very cynical of me, but that’s how I am.
I would be really hurt in your situation too, I’m not sure what to suggest. I agree about not wanting to ruin her 30th. Sorry I can’t think of any good advice Flowers.

Yes it definitely sounds like she likes your ex more than she's letting on.