Close friend uninvited me from 30th because of my ex

[AlenaMacc]

It’s a long story so please bear with me.

One of my closest friends is celebrating her 30th birthday this Saturday and has invited me to the party (I live abroad so it was amazing luck that I happened to be here for it). I told her I’ll come at 7pm after I BF my 10-month old before his bedtime, after which I’ll leave him with my parents and join the celebration.

However, yesterday she rang me and told me that she completely forgot about it, but before knowing I was going to be here for her celebration, she invited my ex boyfriend. She asked me if I had any issues with this, and I told her I have none whatsoever - the whole thing seems like a lifetime ago to me and I have long since moved on with my life. She told me that she’ll ask my ex as well as she doesn’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable.

She then called me back and said that he apparently has an issue with me being there and asked me to come earlier and leave before he arrives. However this is not an option for me as the birthday location is out of town, and this coincides with my baby’s dinner/bath/BF/bedtime routine. She’s not close to my ex at all whilst me and her are very very close so I expected her to say “okay then, just come as we discussed originally and your ex can grow up and sort himself out” or something of the sort.

However, she then told me “that’s okay, we can meet on Monday instead”. I then told her that I really want to be there and that it’s really shitty that we have to allow his behaviour and let it get in the way of us celebrating together. She essentially told me that she feels really bad that she invited him and had she known that he’ll be like that, she wouldn’t have and that some people don’t grow up. I made it a point that I really want to be there and his behaviour is infuriating but she ended the conversation by saying “don’t be angry, I really wanted you to be here as well but what can you do”.

A bit of backstory - me and my ex dated in high school for 2.5years (this was 10 years ago). The breakup was very messy and he took it very badly. Fast forward to 10yrs later, I have long forgotten about this, have dated many men since, gotten married, had children etc. He however apparently has only just started dating somebody, his first gf since our break up.

My friend isn’t at all close with my ex - her fiancé used to be in the same friend circle with my ex in high school, but haven’t kept in touch since. Recently they went out once with him and his new GF and my friend decided to invite them to her birthday on the spur of the moment. However, my friend is one of my closest ones, she was my bridesmaid, we are in a very close friend circle, we’ve been through a lot together, etc.

I can’t stop thinking about this since it happened yesterday - I feel betrayed, I feel like she chose my ex instead of me, I can’t believe that she essentially uninvited me from her 30th because of someone whom she only saw once recently. I felt very hurt yesterday and came to the conclusion that her friendship with me is not a priority to her anymore and that I should accept it and move on. My other friends think that I should give her a chance and speak to her about it, however I don’t want to ruin her 30th and I also don’t know if there’s anything that she can say that will fix this for me. At the same time I am wondering if I am just overreacting. AIBU?

SHe has had to decide which friendship she values most, you live abroad so won't have much contact, she probably sees more of him and has decoded to retain that friendship.

I agree with this and to say it now rather than after the event. Your friend needs to know that she is allowing someone else to dictate to her and has hurt you in the process. Whether people want to or not, you can sometimes bump into an Ex. You're no longer teenagers so should be able to behave like adults when you do. It is not your or her problem if he is struggling with this. You would benefit from being open and honest with her and for the situation to be resolved to prevent the possibility of it happening again when she holds her wedding.

She shouldn't have to decide anything of the kind.

The only person who should have to decide anything is the ex boyfriend, who should have to decide how immature he wants to be.

And it's really horrible to suggest that someone moving abroad is a fair enough reason to relegate them as a friend when they haven't actually done anything wrong.

Don’t ditch a good friendship over this! Do calmly let her know how you feel but I read the situation as your friend feeling that she invited him first and he’s obviously struggled in life so she doesn’t want the responsibility of uninviting him. Not a great decision, but understandable. If you go out with her on Monday, you’ll have far more time to enjoy her company and catch up.

it’s worth noting that friendships change if you move away. However much you care for each other, you’re simply not present for a lot of your friend’s life. I moved away from some loved friends and am aware that the friendship requires more work/is more precarious for that.

I live abroad so I have friends I don't see that often.

If they were having a party that I would happen to be over for like fuck would they care about my ex's opinion as to whether or not I should attend!

It isn't a good friendship though if she's decided that a sulky, controlĺing manchild's needs trump her own. There's no way any grown adult would dictate to me who I do and don't invite to my own party never mind one who's so full of his own self-importance and just sulking and trying to persist in controlling a woman who dumped him a decade ago for doing just that. OP will have a simpler and happier life without any of these losers IMHO

Same.

I think even if you did send a text, your friend will ask the ex who’ll deny it. He’s still able to control your friendships.

I agree with this. tell her how disappointed you are that she has prioritised him. And then leave it up to her.
Why did she even have to "check" with him in the first place. Its her party, her guest list. Sounds like he's still not grown up and got them all under his thumb if he is pandered to by that extent.

yeah, he's probably more of a friend to her then you think and that is why you've been uninvited. You live abroad so makes sense that she would side with him for this reason, even if it is very immature behaviour on his part

In my bitter experience, so called friends will choose the person it's most convenient for them to choose. A friend from school, whose bridesmaid I'd been, chose my ex simply because they lived in the same city and my ex was mates with her husband.

Hang on; that’s a major drip feed; you don’t even live in the same country only see her once or twice a year and were not even supposed To be at the party as you’d not even told her you’d be in the country. And now as he’s not comfortable you want her to disinvite him?

If you really feel that you can’t be at the same party with your ex, then you need to say so very bluntly to your friend. It’s her party and she can invite who she wants, but I would be saying to her that I wasn’t prepared to attend with him there and therefore I won’t be attending.

I cannot believe this is over a 2 year relationship from school over 10 years ago. Ye all need to get the fuck over it. Why would you go telling your friend about it now? You didn't tell her at the time or at any time over the past 10 years. You will look petty to be bringing it up now. Leave it in the past!

I find it odd that she felt she even had to ask him. I would’ve just assumed all could be adults and get on with it.

I think maybe you could ask her if they are actually better friends then she’s let on. Obviously not a problem for you if they are but it may help if she’s more honest with you.

The OP never said she wanted her to dis-invite him.

She hasn't said she wants her friend to disinvite him anywhere!

She is quite happy to be in the same room as him.

Did you miss the part where it is the ex, and not the OP, saying that they can't be in the same room together?

Good grief, three people in a row who can't read.

The hard-of-reading fly-by posters have arrived.

There really must be a reading comprehension issue. This is the fourth.

as he cannot be in the same room and accepted the invite on the understanding the op wasn’t attending the op now wants him uninvited so she can attend.

"If you went early, you could be back in time for the bedtime feed, he's not a newborn so you could delay it a bit, it's doable if it's worth it.
Your ex was invited first, it's fair & polite that his response is prioritised, as we often hear on similar threads."

There is no etiquette where the party-giver needs to disinvite her guest because another guest wishes to kick someone he dislikes off the guest list of someone else's birthday party. In other words, the birthday girl had no obligation to ask the ex-boyfriend (from 10 years back, ridiculous in itself, but that's another issue) if it was ok for OP to be invited to the party. She could have simply invited them both, told each person the other person would be there, and let them make their own decisions whether or not to attend. That she went beyond the requirements of etiquette, and asked ex-boyfriend if it was ok for OP to be there, indicates she was willing to disinvite OP if he said "no", and therefore she chose ex-boyfriend over OP who is supposedly her close friend.

In addition, there's the standalone etiquette issue that, once birthday girl had invited OP to her birthday party, she then went back and DIS-invited her, asking OP to jump through hoops to leave at a particular time before the real party starts, which is humiliating to OP and totally bad etiquette. Dis-inviting someone from your party is pretty bad.

Last but not least, despite the birthday girl saying she's only met the ex-boyfriend a couple of times, she knows his backstory well enough to know that he would not want OP there, and she is close enough friends with him to be willing to change her guest list and disinvite her close friend for the sake of his comfort. I think she is being a bit disingenuous about how well she knows him. I also think it's says something about her loyalty to OP that she stayed friends with this man while knowing he has so much antipathy towards OP that she (birthday girl) would not be able to have them at the same social event.

I don't think there's any angle from which the birthday girl's behavior looks good here.

That's a massive reach to make you're inaccurate suggestion that the OP wants him dis-invited fit. The OP has no issue with him being there. You make it sound like the friend invited him and he said "I will go as long as you don't invite OP" which clearly is not the case, if that were the case A - The Friend wouldn't have invited her at all and B - She wouldn't have needed to ask if he'd be OK with her being there.

He can be in the same room. He just needs to grow the fuck up.

The OP has not said anywhere that she wants him disinvited.

She is upset about the fact that her close friend has effectively disinvited her because her ex is refusing to behave like an adult.

Exactly, I'm shocked that anyone thinks this guy and the OPs friend are reasonable or in the right in any way. It's a ridiculously juvenile situation which the OP really has no responsibility in causing